Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if having multiple biological children was really so important to you, you should have ended your relationship w/your husband when he wouldn't commit, and considered becoming a SMBC with your own eggs while you were still young enough. Or even freezing your eggs at the time (though the jury's out on how effective that is). Being resentful of your husband and trying to deprive him of a genetic connection to a second child makes zero sense.

Yes. I should have done that. Hindsight being 2020. Lots of things I could have done differently. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm not trying to deprive him of a genetic connection. I do not feel comfortable with only him having a genetic connection. I feel the dynamic would be so strange and create problems.

It sounds like you are creating those problems in your own head. Are you worried that your husband might exclude you from the child's life because he has a genetic connection and you don't? Seriously, please lay out examples of the problems you think would arise. If this isn't a petty knee jerk punishment, you should be able to articulate a few examples.

Yes. I feel my husband would have more of a connection with that child. I feel that I would resent it and I fear I would resent the child. My husband is very competitive. I feel that would spill into the family dynamics. I also feel as though he would be having a child with another woman.

I think you have major issues OP and you should get counseling but I have to admit I agree with you on this part. It’s the reason I would never do donor egg myself.
pun

I disagree with this (I’m the PP who is doing DE). For nine months my DH will experience every bit of this pregnancy with me. He’s having the baby with me, not the woman he will never meet who provided the genetic material we needed (I don’t at all mean to denigrate her role. I’m phenomenally grateful to her!)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all the “exact same decision.” I think it might be worthwhile for you to read some books written about children conceived via donor gametes. I think it’s important to contemplate this from the perspective of the future child. I’m in the middle of a donor egg cycle for #2. First child is bio for both of us. So this is something we evaluated at length together.

But I do appreciate that you are in the same boat, as it were. Why did you decided to do donor egg vs donor embryo?

Because I love my husband and admire many things about him and it’s super cool to see his features and expressions etc alive in our bio child and I want to experience that again. Because I’m glad to know my two children will have a genetic link which may be useful for medical reasons at some point. Because my second child will already have a mostly unknown medical history on one side from DE and I see no reason to make it both.

OP, I would also be livid if my fertility ended before I was done reproducing. That being said, you are not done with therapy. Every single poster here can see that. I’ve gone to therapy for a total of 6 years, split into four different time periods. I don’t know how long you went, but you need to go back to your counselor or find another one. Even if you conceive a miracle baby tomorrow, the fact that you describe your husband as competitive sounds alarming. Marriage is a partnership. If you don’t trust him to be a partner, you aren’t ready for baby #2.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if having multiple biological children was really so important to you, you should have ended your relationship w/your husband when he wouldn't commit, and considered becoming a SMBC with your own eggs while you were still young enough. Or even freezing your eggs at the time (though the jury's out on how effective that is). Being resentful of your husband and trying to deprive him of a genetic connection to a second child makes zero sense.

Yes. I should have done that. Hindsight being 2020. Lots of things I could have done differently. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm not trying to deprive him of a genetic connection. I do not feel comfortable with only him having a genetic connection. I feel the dynamic would be so strange and create problems.

It sounds like you are creating those problems in your own head. Are you worried that your husband might exclude you from the child's life because he has a genetic connection and you don't? Seriously, please lay out examples of the problems you think would arise. If this isn't a petty knee jerk punishment, you should be able to articulate a few examples.

Yes. I feel my husband would have more of a connection with that child. I feel that I would resent it and I fear I would resent the child. My husband is very competitive. I feel that would spill into the family dynamics. I also feel as though he would be having a child with another woman.

I think you have major issues OP and you should get counseling but I have to admit I agree with you on this part. It’s the reason I would never do donor egg myself.
pun

Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all the “exact same decision.” I think it might be worthwhile for you to read some books written about children conceived via donor gametes. I think it’s important to contemplate this from the perspective of the future child. I’m in the middle of a donor egg cycle for #2. First child is bio for both of us. So this is something we evaluated at length together.

But I do appreciate that you are in the same boat, as it were. Why did you decided to do donor egg vs donor embryo?

Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all the “exact same decision.” I think it might be worthwhile for you to read some books written about children conceived via donor gametes. I think it’s important to contemplate this from the perspective of the future child. I’m in the middle of a donor egg cycle for #2. First child is bio for both of us. So this is something we evaluated at length together.

I have had counseling on this and I do not remotely see how it is not the same thing. It is the same adopted child. You are simply adopting the child earlier in its development.

It’s not at all the “exact same decision.” I think it might be worthwhile for you to read some books written about children conceived via donor gametes. I think it’s important to contemplate this from the perspective of the future child. I’m in the middle of a donor egg cycle for #2. First child is bio for both of us. So this is something we evaluated at length together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if having multiple biological children was really so important to you, you should have ended your relationship w/your husband when he wouldn't commit, and considered becoming a SMBC with your own eggs while you were still young enough. Or even freezing your eggs at the time (though the jury's out on how effective that is). Being resentful of your husband and trying to deprive him of a genetic connection to a second child makes zero sense.

Yes. I should have done that. Hindsight being 2020. Lots of things I could have done differently. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm not trying to deprive him of a genetic connection. I do not feel comfortable with only him having a genetic connection. I feel the dynamic would be so strange and create problems.

It sounds like you are creating those problems in your own head. Are you worried that your husband might exclude you from the child's life because he has a genetic connection and you don't? Seriously, please lay out examples of the problems you think would arise. If this isn't a petty knee jerk punishment, you should be able to articulate a few examples.

Yes. I feel my husband would have more of a connection with that child. I feel that I would resent it and I fear I would resent the child. My husband is very competitive. I feel that would spill into the family dynamics. I also feel as though he would be having a child with another woman.

I just feel it's amazing that people are angry that I want to adopt an embryo vs adopt a "living child" as one PP put it. I see absolutely no distinction here. It's the exact same decision, except I get to control the pregnancy environment.

Except it's not because you just spelled out your fear of how your husband might manipulate your relationship with your child.

I was a bit snarky before, but I am very concerned for your emotional health. You need to get past the bitterness toward your husband before you have another child. This can't possibly be the only area in which this dynamic plays out and it's not fair to make a child a pawn in your game of one-upmanship with each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if having multiple biological children was really so important to you, you should have ended your relationship w/your husband when he wouldn't commit, and considered becoming a SMBC with your own eggs while you were still young enough. Or even freezing your eggs at the time (though the jury's out on how effective that is). Being resentful of your husband and trying to deprive him of a genetic connection to a second child makes zero sense.

Yes. I should have done that. Hindsight being 2020. Lots of things I could have done differently. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm not trying to deprive him of a genetic connection. I do not feel comfortable with only him having a genetic connection. I feel the dynamic would be so strange and create problems.

It sounds like you are creating those problems in your own head. Are you worried that your husband might exclude you from the child's life because he has a genetic connection and you don't? Seriously, please lay out examples of the problems you think would arise. If this isn't a petty knee jerk punishment, you should be able to articulate a few examples.

Yes. I feel my husband would have more of a connection with that child. I feel that I would resent it and I fear I would resent the child. My husband is very competitive. I feel that would spill into the family dynamics. I also feel as though he would be having a child with another woman.

I just feel it's amazing that people are angry that I want to adopt an embryo vs adopt a "living child" as one PP put it. I see absolutely no distinction here. It's the exact same decision, except I get to control the pregnancy environment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if having multiple biological children was really so important to you, you should have ended your relationship w/your husband when he wouldn't commit, and considered becoming a SMBC with your own eggs while you were still young enough. Or even freezing your eggs at the time (though the jury's out on how effective that is). Being resentful of your husband and trying to deprive him of a genetic connection to a second child makes zero sense.

Yes. I should have done that. Hindsight being 2020. Lots of things I could have done differently. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm not trying to deprive him of a genetic connection. I do not feel comfortable with only him having a genetic connection. I feel the dynamic would be so strange and create problems.

It sounds like you are creating those problems in your own head. Are you worried that your husband might exclude you from the child's life because he has a genetic connection and you don't? Seriously, please lay out examples of the problems you think would arise. If this isn't a petty knee jerk punishment, you should be able to articulate a few examples.

Yes. I feel my husband would have more of a connection with that child. I feel that I would resent it and I fear I would resent the child. My husband is very competitive. I feel that would spill into the family dynamics. I also feel as though he would be having a child with another woman.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if having multiple biological children was really so important to you, you should have ended your relationship w/your husband when he wouldn't commit, and considered becoming a SMBC with your own eggs while you were still young enough. Or even freezing your eggs at the time (though the jury's out on how effective that is). Being resentful of your husband and trying to deprive him of a genetic connection to a second child makes zero sense.

Yes. I should have done that. Hindsight being 2020. Lots of things I could have done differently. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm not trying to deprive him of a genetic connection. I do not feel comfortable with only him having a genetic connection. I feel the dynamic would be so strange and create problems.

It sounds like you are creating those problems in your own head. Are you worried that your husband might exclude you from the child's life because he has a genetic connection and you don't? Seriously, please lay out examples of the problems you think would arise. If this isn't a petty knee jerk punishment, you should be able to articulate a few examples.

Yep - therapy. For ALL KINDS of issues.

Good luck OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if having multiple biological children was really so important to you, you should have ended your relationship w/your husband when he wouldn't commit, and considered becoming a SMBC with your own eggs while you were still young enough. Or even freezing your eggs at the time (though the jury's out on how effective that is). Being resentful of your husband and trying to deprive him of a genetic connection to a second child makes zero sense.

Yes. I should have done that. Hindsight being 2020. Lots of things I could have done differently. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm not trying to deprive him of a genetic connection. I do not feel comfortable with only him having a genetic connection. I feel the dynamic would be so strange and create problems.

Talk to a therapist. Even of you two ultimately agree on the embryo you need counseling

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if having multiple biological children was really so important to you, you should have ended your relationship w/your husband when he wouldn't commit, and considered becoming a SMBC with your own eggs while you were still young enough. Or even freezing your eggs at the time (though the jury's out on how effective that is). Being resentful of your husband and trying to deprive him of a genetic connection to a second child makes zero sense.

Yes. I should have done that. Hindsight being 2020. Lots of things I could have done differently. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm not trying to deprive him of a genetic connection. I do not feel comfortable with only him having a genetic connection. I feel the dynamic would be so strange and create problems.

Birthing children is inherently unfair. I mean you could die in childbirth, and he could never. Your body could be wrecked by childbirth, and his would never. Wouldn't that dynamic also be strange and create problems? And yet go figure, millions of women voluntarily sign up every year!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are this bitter and angry towards him, and you already have a child...why on earth are you still together?

I agree with a PP...in denying your DH a biological connection to a second child, you are also denying your first child a biological connection to a sibling. Have you considered that at all?

So what if I was considering simply adopting? Would you all be yelling at me that no, I should do a donor egg?

I'm a pp. If you were wanting to adopt in order to deprive your husband of a biological connection because you're angry with him then yes - I would react the same way.

Decisions about creating/adopting/parenting kids should never start in anger or be driven by punitive intent. It's just wrong OP.

I'm obviously not creating a child for a punitive intent. I'm simply saying I'm not comfortable with my husband having a genetic connection to the child, but me not having any.

I mean, you do realize you're being petty, correct? That does register in your brain?

I think you should work on parenting your one child and making his/her life amazing, get therapy for the internalized anger you feel towards him (and yourself), and then perhaps look into adoption of a child when you're in a better head-space.

m
This feels like the right answer.