Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry you have had to deal with all this. You sound like a loving daughter doing the best she can. As other's have said, try to set healthy boundaries with your mom. It's not your job to shoulder the burden your dad has given your family. You are enabling your mom to a certain extent. Try to give her what support you can without dragging yourself down. She 100% needs to talk to a therapist, not you.

As the wife of a cheating spouse, (now divorced) I am also heartbroken for you mother. It's not too surprising that she is still having trouble letting go. Your dad is still in her life in a way. I'm sure it's a very bitter pill to swallow to see your dad enjoy all the benefits of a family, like a loving relationship with his grandchildren, despite the pain he caused her and your family.

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a bit surprised at some of the responses here that basically ask why I have contact with my Dad. I actually didn't for a while, and let him know I couldn't handle how he had behaved etc. But over time I've come to see some of what his situation was, married way too young, both of my parents in a very religious community so he felt pressure to stay, and years in a marriage where he was never really forgiven and didn't have interests in common with my mom. To be clear, NONE of this absolves my dad of his behavior. He was a shit husband. Both my Dad and my Mom should have protected us from being in between them. To the poster who said I should "blame" my dad, of course no one thinks what he did was okay, right, or even very human.

At the same time, there were ways in which my Dad was a good parent. He encouraged my sister and I to be independent, made us feel valued, intelligent, loved, and talented. He loved us, whether or not he loved my mom, and I'm able to separate that from the relationship between my parents. It took me a two years to forgive him for the divorce and a lot of therapy, but I have. I'll never look at him like I once did - as someone to look up to, and he knows that, but at the same time, I am happy that my kids have a great relationship with their grandpa. He should have been honest, my parents should have divorced in 1990, but he didn't. And at this point, what is done is done in regards to my mom's situation, it may be my dad's fault, but I don't think that her remaining so bitter will be good for her. And in the end, she knew what was happening, and continued to stay, she never wanted to divorce. Again, I'm not BLAMING her, as the point is largely that I'd like to have a relationship with both my parents that doesn't involve their marriage.

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Anonymous wrote:YOU need therapy. Obviously your mom does too. Think of yourself as a child going through your parents divorce, because you still are despite being an adult. Any child in your shoes would be seeing a therapist. You are pushing all your feelings on the fact that you have to care for your mother’s emotions. But you have a lot to deal with emotionally yourself.

OP here - I am in therapy.

Okay then... what does your therapist say you should do?

+1

OP here. Are people who have therapists not also allowed to post on DCUM for advice? Since the tone of the PP's comment is that I shouldn't be here with the situation since I'm in therapy....

And to write her a letter, since conversations are always derailed. I did so, and it hasn't been effective thus far.

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Anonymous wrote:while your dad is no saint, he is no horrible person either. Your mom chose to stay and play martyr. The endgame is that neither of them kept your best interest at heart. They were playing their own game.
Now the mom has lost her partner in this game of martyrdom and she needs you to fill the role. Which you gladly do, as your sister said thanks but no thanks.
Your therapist sucks if they don’t make this clear for you. Write your mom a letter?! Wtf? She doesn’t care about your letters; she is too scared to live her life and is hiding behind some games she sucks you into.
Read books by Eric Bern (games people play, what do you say after you say hello) and change your therapist.
Good luck!

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Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Exactly. Not sure I would have any type of relationship with the horrible dad. I've known women that have to stay because they know the DH wouldn't help with college etc. if they divorced.

OP where's the blame toward your dad. That's where you need to focus.

Some of you either aren’t reading the entire thread or have a reading comprehension problem. OP has answered your questions.

Thanks thread police. Now go move along and make dinner for your kids or something.

From the OP:

“I am emotionally exhausted of hearing about my dad/my kids' grandfather with such bitterness.”

Sounds like she still wants a relationship with Dad.

Yes...but I think many posters are questioning why and if that’s appropriate.

Anonymous wrote:I feel traumatized just reading about what a pig your dad is. Why do you have any contact with him? You mention him being a grandpa. My mom had a father like this who ran around on her mom and then abandoned the family in the middle of winter. They got evicted and had to stay in a homeless shelter with a newborn. I’ve never met that pig of a man because my mom protected us.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Exactly. Not sure I would have any type of relationship with the horrible dad. I've known women that have to stay because they know the DH wouldn't help with college etc. if they divorced.

OP where's the blame toward your dad. That's where you need to focus.

Some of you either aren’t reading the entire thread or have a reading comprehension problem. OP has answered your questions.

Thanks thread police. Now go move along and make dinner for your kids or something.

From the OP:

“I am emotionally exhausted of hearing about my dad/my kids' grandfather with such bitterness.”

Sounds like she still wants a relationship with Dad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Exactly. Not sure I would have any type of relationship with the horrible dad. I've known women that have to stay because they know the DH wouldn't help with college etc. if they divorced.

OP where's the blame toward your dad. That's where you need to focus.

Some of you either aren’t reading the entire thread or have a reading comprehension problem. OP has answered your questions.

Thanks thread police. Now go move along and make dinner for your kids or something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Exactly. Not sure I would have any type of relationship with the horrible dad. I've known women that have to stay because they know the DH wouldn't help with college etc. if they divorced.

OP where's the blame toward your dad. That's where you need to focus.

Some of you either aren’t reading the entire thread or have a reading comprehension problem. OP has answered your questions.

Anonymous wrote:I feel traumatized just reading about what a pig your dad is. Why do you have any contact with him? You mention him being a grandpa. My mom had a father like this who ran around on her mom and then abandoned the family in the middle of winter. They got evicted and had to stay in a homeless shelter with a newborn. I’ve never met that pig of a man because my mom protected us.