Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would put this right back on my husband. “Your parents are coming for Mary’s Girl Scout award ceremony. Don’t forget to make up the guest room. I can order Instacart so we have some groceries. What would like me to order for you to cook for dinner. I think we can move to everyone fixing their own breakfast and lunch.”

Once my husband has to start putting himself out, magically, he isn’t interested in hosting at all.

I make sure obligatory holidays are covered for both sets of relatives. If he wants extra visits, he is responsible for planning and executing for his family and I am responsible for mine.

OP here, back really quickly to say that I do this already and he doesn't mind! I also refuse to do any extra cleaning before they come, and since he doesn't really clean, they just deal with our clutter and a bathroom that hasn't been scrubbed in a couple weeks It does not deter!

And again, I like them, they're good people, it's just a LOT.

Then start going to a hotel when they sleep over.

Anonymous wrote:I am with OP. That is a lot. Like it or not any visitor throws off a schedule a bit or makes you act a little differently in your own home. I like to eat ice cream in my robe and watch Schitts Creek one night a week in the family room while DH plays tennis. But if my IL were visiting i couldn't do that. Or some nights i crash after the kids go to bed. I wouldn't feel right 'ditching' them at 8pm.
It is just too much. For some not to see that is baffling.

That's on you. I say goodnight after the kids are in bed (8:30) and read or watch TV on my iPad in my bedroom. On the first night, I chat for about an hour first. After that, I've seen them a lot during the day, so I don't also need to give them my full evening. If something is "just too much," change what you're doing, dum-dum!

I am with OP. That is a lot. Like it or not any visitor throws off a schedule a bit or makes you act a little differently in your own home. I like to eat ice cream in my robe and watch Schitts Creek one night a week in the family room while DH plays tennis. But if my IL were visiting i couldn't do that. Or some nights i crash after the kids go to bed. I wouldn't feel right 'ditching' them at 8pm.
It is just too much. For some not to see that is baffling.

Anonymous wrote:So OP has now shared that she isn't doing anything extra for the in-laws. So much for her being put out. Basically, she's got what I would say is a weird control issue about her family. I say "her family" and not "her husband's family" because once she had their grandkids, she created a lifetime bond with them. These are not random visitors, they're family. She needs an attitude adjustment or else her kids will grow up to be cold people like her.

She doesn’t have weird control issues. She just doesn’t want her in-laws staying in her home 10 days a month. Having a family doesn’t mean allowing all family members to stay with you whenever and for however long they wish and not feeling imposed upon or put upon when relatives come to stay for days at a time. Remember that OP said her husband’s parents are resentful when OP and her nuclear family spend holidays with OP’s parents. To me, that is telling. Her attitude is fine. She and her husband need to get on the same page about grandparents visiting and staying the night. That’s the issue here. If OP has any issues, it sounds like they are more in the realm of not being proactive with her husband about her real feelings. You, on the other hand, seem prone to wild conclusions about people you don’t know based on limited information and your own issues.

So OP has now shared that she isn't doing anything extra for the in-laws. So much for her being put out. Basically, she's got what I would say is a weird control issue about her family. I say "her family" and not "her husband's family" because once she had their grandkids, she created a lifetime bond with them. These are not random visitors, they're family. She needs an attitude adjustment or else her kids will grow up to be cold people like her.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I don't know why all of the sudden people decided to start attacking me and calling me a terrible mother, but I think I've had enough of this thread.

I'm very confident both in my children's relationships with both sets of grandparents and in my family's need for boundaries. Thanks to those of you who provided helpful advice.

I don’t think anybody called you a terrible mother, but the overwhelming sentiment was something you weren’t prepared to hear. You might want to ask the other members of your family about needs for boundaries, they might want something different.

Anonymous wrote:I would put this right back on my husband. “Your parents are coming for Mary’s Girl Scout award ceremony. Don’t forget to make up the guest room. I can order Instacart so we have some groceries. What would like me to order for you to cook for dinner. I think we can move to everyone fixing their own breakfast and lunch.”

Once my husband has to start putting himself out, magically, he isn’t interested in hosting at all.

I make sure obligatory holidays are covered for both sets of relatives. If he wants extra visits, he is responsible for planning and executing for his family and I am responsible for mine.

OP here, back really quickly to say that I do this already and he doesn't mind! I also refuse to do any extra cleaning before they come, and since he doesn't really clean, they just deal with our clutter and a bathroom that hasn't been scrubbed in a couple weeks It does not deter!

And again, I like them, they're good people, it's just a LOT.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws live 20 minutes away in the same county and have never come over on my kids’ birthdays, never attended any of their sporting events, and never attended any school events. Even the annual grandparents day. It’s sad and the kids notice.

They do expect us to visit them frequently though.

The grass isn’t always greener.

This is my mother. She sucks. I wish my kids had OPs "problem".

OP, just keep in mind, this is about the kids. Your kids are so fortunate to have loving grandparents. There is a tremendous psychologist impact on having a loving supportive family. Try to think of your kids first,

This. I really worry about the kids being raised by our generation. Let.go.of.your.control.issues. This isn't about you. It is about people loving your kids and wanting to be a part to their lives. Your kids are lucky to have loving grandparents. This is your issue.

NP. I tried. I really did. My ILs are genuinely loving and adore my kids. My kids loved spending time with them when they were younger. But I would see behaviors that would drive me batty (no safety related). I held it inside because I didn’t want to get in the way of their relationship. Fast forward to today and my teens honestly don’t want to spend time with grandma. The things she did that drove me crazy now drive my kids crazy. So grandparents can sabotage their relationships with their grandkids with no help from the nasty DIL.

I would put this right back on my husband. “Your parents are coming for Mary’s Girl Scout award ceremony. Don’t forget to make up the guest room. I can order Instacart so we have some groceries. What would like me to order for you to cook for dinner. I think we can move to everyone fixing their own breakfast and lunch.”

Once my husband has to start putting himself out, magically, he isn’t interested in hosting at all.

I make sure obligatory holidays are covered for both sets of relatives. If he wants extra visits, he is responsible for planning and executing for his family and I am responsible for mine.

Ignore the rude posters, OP. Many are ignoring the fact that you have house guests for multiple nights several times each month, sometimes midweek.

If their own parents/in-laws told them they would be staying at their home this Thursday through Saturday, then Friday 12/20 - Sunday 12/22 and again Sunday 12/29-Tuesday 12/31, they would be seeing red.

And I don't believe anyone who says they wouldn't have a problem with this schedule every month.

OP here - I don't know why all of the sudden people decided to start attacking me and calling me a terrible mother, but I think I've had enough of this thread.

I'm very confident both in my children's relationships with both sets of grandparents and in my family's need for boundaries. Thanks to those of you who provided helpful advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m with you OP. I could not deal with such frequent visits. Sounds like they really have nothing to do where they live. How many games, etc. can you see?

You think they are driving 10 hours and sleeping in a basement because they want to see the games or because they are bored? It takes a very special kind of person to be so dedicated and demonstrate love and support in this way.

I think everyone would agree that it takes a very special kind of person to do this.

Yeah, no kidding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m with you OP. I could not deal with such frequent visits. Sounds like they really have nothing to do where they live. How many games, etc. can you see?

You think they are driving 10 hours and sleeping in a basement because they want to see the games or because they are bored? It takes a very special kind of person to be so dedicated and demonstrate love and support in this way.

Obviously someone who has no life and boundaries. Do they really think dil wants them in her house/personal space this much? They don’t care what dil thinks. Very excessive. Op I don’t see how you tolerate them this much. I could not do it. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m with you OP. I could not deal with such frequent visits. Sounds like they really have nothing to do where they live. How many games, etc. can you see?

You think they are driving 10 hours and sleeping in a basement because they want to see the games or because they are bored? It takes a very special kind of person to be so dedicated and demonstrate love and support in this way.

I think everyone would agree that it takes a very special kind of person to do this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m with you OP. I could not deal with such frequent visits. Sounds like they really have nothing to do where they live. How many games, etc. can you see?

You think they are driving 10 hours and sleeping in a basement because they want to see the games or because they are bored? It takes a very special kind of person to be so dedicated and demonstrate love and support in this way.

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