Anonymous wrote:My advice - if you or your husband are idiots then just sit. Do not touch anything. Just sit.

My FIL offered to go get milk. He pulled out of the garage without opening the door first. Several thousand dollars worth of damage to the car and garage.

MIL put the indoor cat outside and never said anything. We assumed the cat was hiding until a few days later when she was leaving. I mentioned that I hadn't seen the cat and was worried that she wasn't eating. MIL said Oh I let it out a few days ago. We never saw the cat again and have no idea what happened to it.

Winner winner chicken dinner!

OP here again. Am I now not even allowed to wear perfume? This stood out to me.

Geez OP you really are a whiny child. No one is telling you that you are not "allowed" to wear perfume. Its being listed as one of the offensive things that some MILs do. People become used to their own scent over time and start applying more and more. Its a real problem with older women because many reek of their perfume but have no idea. These people are not intentionally rude but it is offensive.

Ones that go even further by spraying the children are beyond rude.

Things to Ask:
Can I...
Take the kids for a walk around the block?
Take care of breakfast/lunch dinner today?
Start the coffee tomorrow morning?
Teach the kids how to play Uno?
Do the dishes?
Babysit tonight or tomorrow afternoon?
Pick up anything at the store?
Help you set the table?
Pay for these movie tickets?

Things Not to Ask:
Can I...
Add some more salt to this?
Make my extra special dish that requires very specific ingredients and an abundance of kitchen space and cooking implements?
Go take a nap during the bath/book/bed/dishes evening slog?
Lock my door so that the kids don’t wake me up so early?
Tell you all about how I used to run the holidays?

I'm not terrified. This is helpful. I still don't understand why it's bad for me to want to contribute more than just muffins and wine, but I'll just stick to that, as apparently I shouldn't be stepping on toes by wanting to contribute more. It's fine. I'll stay in my lane.

Ewww... this sounds very whiny and nasty again OP. I think you need to practice being a good guest and convince yourself that it is simply nice to be invited and enjoy the company of others. You don't need to have a job to do to get attention. You have been invited so just enjoy the holiday like a normal person. Try engaging with people in conversation to get positive attention.

Look into the mirror and say "Everything is not about me. Everything is not about me. " and then try some deep breathing and "I don't have to control the holiday". Once you have this down try some " I will not make little victim statements. I will not pout."

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Am I now not even allowed to wear perfume? This stood out to me.

Read the toxic mother-in-laws thread and you'll see where the perfume thing came from. Yes you can wear perfume but just don't spray it on the grandchild, any bed sheets or around the house and you should be fine.

Actually just read through the toxic mother-in-law and don't do any of the stuff that's mentioned.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor OP, I hope you are still up for this visit! I’d be terrified by this point if I were you reading this thread.

I'm not terrified. This is helpful. I still don't understand why it's bad for me to want to contribute more than just muffins and wine, but I'll just stick to that, as apparently I shouldn't be stepping on toes by wanting to contribute more. It's fine. I'll stay in my lane.

You still have an attitude. Of course it’s not “bad,” for you to want to contribute more, but your son and DIL - who are hosting - have indicated they have everything else covered. So just be gracious about it. It’s not that hard. If your annoyance is transparent to us on this board, it’s definitely going to be obvious in person, so keep that in mind if you want to be welcomed in the future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor OP, I hope you are still up for this visit! I’d be terrified by this point if I were you reading this thread.

I'm not terrified. This is helpful. I still don't understand why it's bad for me to want to contribute more than just muffins and wine, but I'll just stick to that, as apparently I shouldn't be stepping on toes by wanting to contribute more. It's fine. I'll stay in my lane.

If there’s a dish you’d like to bring it’s fine to ask, but if they say they have everything covered accept it. Remember, this is your son and his wife! They’re family! You can ask, just be kind and you’ll be fine.

Aren’t you excited to see your grandkids in their home for their first Christmas at their house? Don’t you even remember how excited you were to make memories for your own kids? Merge you and your husband’s traditions and make new ones? I think the older generation has completely forgotten how exciting the novelty of it all can be.

OP here again. Am I now not even allowed to wear perfume? This stood out to me.

Compliment the house, the holiday decor, the food, the china. Don't go overboard but a lot of effort goes into hosting. It feels good to the that appreciated and enjoyed so pick some element that you feel was done well and compliment your son/DIL at the table in front of the others. Make a toast at dinner to the hosts.

Your use of the word “relegated” in your OP is a red flag. Relegate it is a pretty loaded word in this case which seems to convey that you might be unhappy with the response to your offer of help. If you are displeased with the idea of being a guest I encourage you to work between now and the holiday to make peace with it. Be kind to your son and your daughter-in-law in allowing them to spread their wings a bit as new family hosts. Please don’t spend the holiday making snide comments or expressing disappointment or pointing out how the way they’ve chosen to host is different than how you traditionally host, etc. this is a pivotal time in your family and if you want to cultivate a future where you get together as a family then by all means do everything you can to be a gracious and considerate guest. If you actively create an environment of stress, tension and judgment you can expect separate holidays going forward.

Anonymous wrote:

Poor OP, I hope you are still up for this visit! I’d be terrified by this point if I were you reading this thread.

Meh - just behave like a respectful guest. Why is this so hard for older women?

Why are you assuming she won't be respectful, especially when she has already said she is complying with the request to only bring wine and muffins? Maybe she just wants to be useful and is asking how to do that in a way that won't get up DILs hackles? God willing, we will all be older women one day, including you sister.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor OP, I hope you are still up for this visit! I’d be terrified by this point if I were you reading this thread.

I'm not terrified. This is helpful. I still don't understand why it's bad for me to want to contribute more than just muffins and wine, but I'll just stick to that, as apparently I shouldn't be stepping on toes by wanting to contribute more. It's fine. I'll stay in my lane.

I am a poster who doesn't think your muffins and wine phrasing was inappropriate at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I’m confused, aren’t you going to your son’s house???

THIS x 1,00000

Yes? I mentioned that in my original post.

^ read to the kids I mean.