I am divorced and single and a child of divorce with a similar parental living situation. None of this is your responsibility. Do not make yourself crazy trying to please her.

1) make a plan about dates you are comfortable with, with your DH
2) let DH talk to her and stick to the plan
3) do not make any other special accommodations for her pre Xmas
4) she can come after Xmas or any other time of year she wants. Next year you can take time to plan in advance for Xmas, Thanksgiving, what have you.

Do not allow her tantrum to result in you caving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would welcome her and ask when she needs picked up at the airport and probably pay for the ticket.

+1 She won't be around forever. I don't think I could live with myself if I deprived my kids of her presence just because I felt it would make my life a little more hectic.

We told her she could come the two weeks the kids are out of school.
The week of NYE or Thanksgiving week and she opted for NYE, which works out great because kids are out of preschool and we have two late adult parties that week we can use her as a sitter for since the kids will be sleeping. Win-win and my husband won't be working much New Years week.

Glad it worked out OP. You were more than accommodating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would welcome her and ask when she needs picked up at the airport and probably pay for the ticket.

+1 She won't be around forever. I don't think I could live with myself if I deprived my kids of her presence just because I felt it would make my life a little more hectic.

OP is NOT depriving her MIL of the grandkids' presence. MIL is choosing to prioritize other things in her life and wants OP to accommodate her schedule. And, that old argument of 'she won't be around forever' is a platitude of manipulators and doormats.

If it doesn't work this year, it doesn't work. Just tell her it doesn't work this year and you will try to work something out for next year.

She is stressed so perhaps being a little aggressive. I would still stay in FIL's house as it works for you. It's unfortunate that she lives in an apartment but that's life. At some point she has to accept it.

Anonymous wrote:I would try and find an alternative time. Maybe New years or Valentines day or whatever if she wants to build those memories. She is really telling you she wants to build memories without FIL and spend more time with all of you. Make some of the suggestions compelling about the bonding activities she would be interested in.
I wouldn’t be bullied into a time that doesn’t work for you and it sounds like the time she suggested is terrible.

I would let the rude text go this time but speak up kindly if she continues.

That's what we did, she is coming for NYE now and we have plans but I think she will likely come up with something fun for my little ones to do to celebrate with her before bedtime.

I get her wanting to build those memories, but keep in mind she has been invited for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Easter and their Bdays every year, which happens to fall within a week of each other. She chooses not to come for Easter and Thanksgiving.... so she can be upset and complain but to me it is drama since she more or less does have an open invitation for the major holidays and doing those "special" traditions she is making a big deal over. I tend to indulge her because I get they are only young once and I want them to have that grandparent experience and the kids really do adore her. But she's pushy and demanding about it!

I would try and find an alternative time. Maybe New years or Valentines day or whatever if she wants to build those memories. She is really telling you she wants to build memories without FIL and spend more time with all of you. Make some of the suggestions compelling about the bonding activities she would be interested in.
I wouldn’t be bullied into a time that doesn’t work for you and it sounds like the time she suggested is terrible.

I would let the rude text go this time but speak up kindly if she continues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would welcome her and ask when she needs picked up at the airport and probably pay for the ticket.

+1 She won't be around forever. I don't think I could live with myself if I deprived my kids of her presence just because I felt it would make my life a little more hectic.

We told her she could come the two weeks the kids are out of school.
The week of NYE or Thanksgiving week and she opted for NYE, which works out great because kids are out of preschool and we have two late adult parties that week we can use her as a sitter for since the kids will be sleeping. Win-win and my husband won't be working much New Years week.

Anonymous wrote:I would welcome her and ask when she needs picked up at the airport and probably pay for the ticket.

+1 She won't be around forever. I don't think I could live with myself if I deprived my kids of her presence just because I felt it would make my life a little more hectic.

I would feel a little bad and tell her that this year won't work. However, no one needs to have that many commitments between Thanksgiving and Christmas, OP. Next year, you can pare down and agree on a date before your calendar is full.

Anonymous wrote:Can you consider gettin an airBNB one year for Christmas so MIL can be there Xmas morning?

Puh-lease. MIL had all of her DS's childhood to do the Christmas morning thing. Lots of grandparents don't get to have Christmas morning with the grandparents. Besides, this really isn't about Christmas morning. It's about MIL's resentment. Oh, and if you'd read OP's follow up post, you would have known that it's unlikely she could be there Christmas morning any way, Or, should OP not let the kids open presents until she decides to show up? MIL needs to own her choices.

Xmas and Xmas eve are the highest risk days for addicts to slip which is why she can’t travel to us on those days and likely cannot easily just stay with us if we did rent a hotel or airbnb.

Can you consider gettin an airBNB one year for Christmas so MIL can be there Xmas morning?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would welcome her and ask when she needs picked up at the airport and probably pay for the ticket.

Agree. Good lord, OP, your children will treat you as shitty as you treat her so be nice so your children will be nice to you when you are old and divorced.

You mean pay to fly me out for visits multiple times a year, cater to my every need during my visits for multiple weeks at a time while not expecting me to help with childcare? Yes please, I want my children to be exactly that shitty to me when I'm old!! Sign me up!

I wouldn’t. Sorry, don’t get divorced. This is the long-term effect of getting divorced.

OP you have done enough. The posters saying you should give your MIL whatever she wants and whenever she wants are either just trolling you or they are also self centered, rude and entitled.

The best advice that I have ever gotten on this board is that you can't control how other people react. Your MIL is rude, self centered and bitter. Someone like this is never going to react graciously or with understanding when you say no. They can't because they are selfish. All they hear is that I will not get what I want exactly the way I want it. You just have to ignore whatever snipe or rude comment they come back with when you say no or you will never have a normal relationship with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would welcome her and ask when she needs picked up at the airport and probably pay for the ticket.

Agree. Good lord, OP, your children will treat you as shitty as you treat her so be nice so your children will be nice to you when you are old and divorced.

NP here. When I’m old I would live to be treated the way way OP treats her MIL. She sounds inclusive and thoughtful. I’d even be nice about it if my DIL was willing to fly across the country with 2 young kids to visit me!

It sounds like this lady won the DIL lottery.

I agree. The lesson I want my kids to learn is that a healthy relationship does not include giving in to emotional blackmail and that they should not stress their own mental health accommodating the desires (not needs) of others. Sometimes the healthy choice is to put your own needs first.

NP and I also agree. This isn’t about OP, her DH, or grandkids. This is lingering resentment around the divorce, but that is not your problem to fix for this person. She may be justified in her resentment (we don’t know details of divorce) but this is about today and her relationship with her adult son’s family.