Anonymous wrote:Money, I make it and she spends it. But she will happily spend more than I make. I’m doing everything I can to control it but she is very smart. Thankfully we don’t have children so my soon to come exit will not be painful. I’m thankful I have a prenup because when I do file she will face reality.

What are you waiting for? Exit now.

Somewhat different parenting styles/philosophies

Super planner/not so planner - my DH is the super planner who always has a list of chores a mile long on paper or in his head. I just try to be better than the lazy DHs people are always complaining about on these boards. I think I succeed in part because I do do more of the stereotypical child related care - I do most of the getting up at night and the taking kids to appointments and scheduling play dates, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t worry about my needs, ever.

Anonymous wrote:Untreated anxiety and depression

+1 to both of these. Because of his anxiety, he is unable to tend to my needs and even resentful that I would have any. His "need" is for me to not have needs. It seems unfixable.

+2. Dominant theme of every hour of every day. The bolded is so, so true.

I'd say yeah, my husband has untreated anxiety and depression.
But my issue is the need is for him to not have any needs. I'm tired of his depression. Done.With.It.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My libido is lower than his and I feel bad about it. (We have a baby, a preschooler, and a first grader and have had sex four times in the last week including twice last night, but he’d happily be daily.)

I'm sorry, but that's more than enough by just about any measure.

Don't worry, it was just a humblebrag.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not perfect. But those of you saying things like your partner has no values or has Asbergers or you disagree on literally everything – why did you get married? Serious question.

It was well hidden after we got married and had kids

Should say hidden until after we got married and had kids. Then it all came out!

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not perfect. But those of you saying things like your partner has no values or has Asbergers or you disagree on literally everything – why did you get married? Serious question.

It was well hidden after we got married and had kids

A combination of taking me for granted, barking, overuse of IPhone (even at the table).

My marriage is not perfect. But those of you saying things like your partner has no values or has Asbergers or you disagree on literally everything – why did you get married? Serious question.

We don’t explode, but it’s more like the occasional wince provoked by the sound of nails on chalkboard.

DH has an endless reserve to give from. He gives “overgenerously” of his time, talent, and treasure. I have smaller reserves. He thinks I can give more and I really can’t. I try to give all I can to my immediate family’s needs and then reassess if I can spare more. DH gives so much that I worry about the potential toll on him. So instead of meeting my own needs, I’m making sure his are met.

Full disclosure: when we first met, I was bowled over by how giving he was and how he always made sure my needs were being addressed. Eight years later, I see that it was not at all because I was special to him, LOL! Rather, he has a pathological need to make everyone happy. He can’t be happy if someone has a problem. He’s a veteran, an engineer, and a teacher so fixing things and helping people is just who he is. And I love that about him, but it is our issue.
This year, I started hiding problems from him because he has a health issue and I want him to rest. If I have a problem I can’t fix on my own, I’ll go to twelve other people first. So I guess our issue is now keeping secrets as well.

Untreated depression

Mid life crisis and depression . I have become the sole target of his unhappiness, out of the blue.

Verbal abuse (possible asbergers) - 17 year marriage, 2 kids, pattern of him barking at me and I retreat. I use the word bark because it’s how it feels, for small things, I’ve addressed it with him, he refuses to get help. He has anger issues that have gone untreated, and unless he gets therapy to work on himself I’m afraid nothing will change. I had an epiphany today actually that there are 3 key ingredients to an everlasting marriage: 1) good communication; 2) sex and 3) intimacy. We have lost intimacy, and that’s the poison right now eating at the connection. He barked at me the other day over a simple request and so again we go weeks without talking or sharing or planning or laughing. I understand why people cheat, it’s the loss of intimacy. I keep saying that shouting at the top of your lungs about some perceived slight is not good foreplay. All these sexless marriages, hers’s a tip: be kind and nice and try to work on the intimacy, being gentle, thoughtful, like when you first started dating, because no woman wants to sit next to you let alone have sex if you don’t show you care about your wife, apologize when you are wrong, own up to it, and don’t take your wife for granted.

We had a mom-teenager relationship where suddenly the balance of power shifted towards the “teenager” and he became rebellious and power-hungry, while staying insecure and immature. After a few terrible years where he felt he could dictate me yet also felt I wouldn’t give him the love he was craving, and taking it out on me, I finally regained some of the power and we are divorcing.
I think he has a really bad case of mommy issues, and I have a bad need for total control. It worked while we could play the same game, but having a child disrupted that dynamic and the neurotic glue was gone. I couldn’t give him love and he took away control as a revenge.
I am still trying to process all this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t worry about my needs, ever.

Anonymous wrote:Untreated anxiety and depression

+1 to both of these. Because of his anxiety, he is unable to tend to my needs and even resentful that I would have any. His "need" is for me to not have needs. It seems unfixable.

+2. Dominant theme of every hour of every day. The bolded is so, so true.

mental illness, miscommunication, no values