Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of women like the idea of a SAHM lifestyle yet don't actually like kids as much as they think they do. OP hasn't listed one behavior of her daughter that sounds outside the range of normal, she's just not "easy" like the other two. I wonder where OP got the impression this was supposed to be easy?

Boys are generally slower to develop, emotionally, so their needs may feel less complex. Especially if OP has emotional challenges of her own. It may be that the daughter expresses needs she has a hard time acknowledging in herself. Typical “shadow” — other person seems horribly unbearable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op: I have two autistic kids. On the one hand, I can fully relate to the feelings of exhaustion and of being overwhelmed. I can also relate to the dashed expectations of having a kid with a set of behavioral challenges that are simply harder than what you had expected.

But I have always truly loved my time with my kids. I positively love being around them. While maybe they have some behaviors I can’t stand, I’ve never come close to saying or even thinking that I can’t stand them.

You frankly sound depressed.

One thing that has helped me handle my very challenging children is that I never stopped working. When they were younger we had a fabulous nanny. I was still very hands on, but it was never all on me.

You might consider going back to work.

Meanwhile look into an evaluation for your child. She may have some underlying issues that lead to emotional regulation challenges (e.g., anxiety, ADHD, even HFA).

Thank you for this. Yes I am looking into evaluations. I might consider some depression too if I were reading this cold but I know myself and I am not depressed nor do I have mental health issues. I am simply parenting a very difficult daughter. My mom, mil, and sil (both my mom and sil are BPD) are all very intense personalities so I think it’s just the genetic lottery. I would do back to work but for my two very chill, pleasant sons ages 2 and 7. I don’t want to be away from them. I love being a sahm. It’s just a mismatch of our personalities and I need help. Badly.

Your mom is BPD? Have you ever considered that you might have some emotional difficulties from that relationship that you are carrying into your parenting? You might have felt for example like your mom was a bottomless pit and invaded your boundaries. Children do have their own temperaments, but they also vibe off their caregivers. You need to be firm with your boundaries, differentiate her (probably much more appropriate developmental needs and challenges from your mother’s, and think about counseling to get to the bottom of this for you. I suspect your daughter is a gift to heal your relationship with your mom. If you can stay present, grounded, and authentic with her, you may see that the mother-daughter relationship isn’t always one of neediness, broken boundaries, and unrequited affection.

I think a lot of women like the idea of a SAHM lifestyle yet don't actually like kids as much as they think they do. OP hasn't listed one behavior of her daughter that sounds outside the range of normal, she's just not "easy" like the other two. I wonder where OP got the impression this was supposed to be easy?

Anonymous wrote:


Thank you so much for this. I think you are right. I can’t help my feelings of dislike of her for all the grief she puts me through, but I try very hard to mask them and I’m sure she picks them up as she’s quite in tune with me. I simply can’t change my feelings though. I talked to
my DH last night and we are going to work out a way for her to attend full day preschool at her current center. It will be a lot more running around for us but I think it was very helpful to get all this clear feedback from the group.

I feel like a failure as I had dreams of baking and crafting with her in afternoons when my son naps, but this is not the way our life is going.

Just curious why you’re not able to bake and craft with her. Is it because she’s not able to focus on that?

At 4 you can find a full time Pre School. You can be excited for her to met some new friends, learn some new things, and get ready for school like her big brother. How awesome is that! Treat the change as an exciting, normal part of her development.

The best part is that she might bring home a new interest or two that you can do with her.

OP, I honestly thought I wrote this a few months ago and it popped back up. But I have another DD and a DS. My difficult DD was diagnosed with ADHD, very high IQ, and I think she has extreme anxiety but they said it’s too early for that diagnosis. It’s hard. Very few will understand. People always want to blame the mother and offer obvious suggestions that you’ve clearly tried before. I have no answers, just compassion.

Call Claire Lerner first thing Monday. She will change your life, your relationship with child, and save your marriage. She is outstanding. She often works hand in hand with an OT that is gifted at helping change challenging behaviors in difficult children. Good luck and just call Claire- you’ll be alright.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mention multiple other children. How much 1:1 time does she get? Real, undistracted 1:1 quality time?

At least 30mins-1 hr a day. I am a sahm. She is in morning preschool every day.

She needs to be in FT preschool, especially after 4 y/o. It will be an easier adjustment to kindergarten.

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter senses that you do not like her. Sure, you love her because she’s your daughter.
My situation is not the same but I do have a clingy 4.5 year old whereas I myself have a more stoic personality and was not a cuddler as a child.
My daughter asks for cuddles throughout the day and she knows when I don’t give her a genuine cuddle. And it will make her clingy and latch onto me as I’m trying to get things done.
But I try to make time for genuine cuddles. When I wake her up in the morning I get into her bed and have a good cuddle. I’ll tell her she smells good or what fun thing we will do that day. I also try to give her a couple of good cuddles during the day. Cuddling while watching tv is the easiest.

Your daughter senses that you do not like her. Sure, you love her because she’s your daughter.
My situation is not the same but I do have a clingy 4.5 year old whereas I myself have a more stoic personality and was not a cuddler as a child.
My daughter asks for cuddles throughout the day and she knows when I don’t give her a genuine cuddle. And it will make her clingy and latch onto me as I’m trying to get things done.
But I try to make time for genuine cuddles. When I wake her up in the morning I get into her bed and have a good cuddle. I’ll tell her she smells good or what fun thing we will do that day. I also try to give her a couple of good cuddles during the day. Cuddling while watching tv is the easiest.

OP: I’m the mom of the two autistic kids. I didn’t mean to suggest that you were depressed as in having a mental illness. But you do sound tired and burned out with your daughter, and your frustration tolerance with her is clearly low. It sounds like a hard situation for you, her and everyone.

Please prioritize looking into an evaluation for her. She may just be challenging because she is, but there’s also a good chance she needs some expert intervention. I’m assuming she’ll be in school full time next year, and the sooner you get a handle on what’s causing her needs the better.

My guess is you’re not a perfect parent. I’m not. Nor are most of us. And behaviorally challenged kids can bring out the worst in us. (I’ve had some moments I’m not proud of.). But understanding your kids is the first step in helping them. And for me, learning why my kids were prone to meltdowns, couldn’t follow directions, etc., has certainly helped me have compassion for them—even during their most challenging moments l.

Good luck. And hang in there.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this sounds familiar, especially with the age of your two sons added in...you’ve posted before, right? Something about the 4yo DD being rough with the younger sibling? I can’t find that thread at the moment, but, if you are who I am thinking of, you got a TON of advice on that thread, much of it similar to what is being offered here. Have you actually tried any of it?
I feel bad for you, but I feel so sorry for your DD.

Not sure what you’re taking about? I’ve never posted before on this forum but I’ll look for it. Thank you for your support.