Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 11:01     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with OPs general sentiment about social engineering, but I think her post sounds pretty mean.


This. As evidenced in the difference between the concept that certain kids might not “click” and “other kids don’t like yours very much.”


They both mean the same thing. I, for one, don’t need “I don’t like you” to be couched as “we don’t click.” I’m just not that delicate.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 10:58     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
The anti smartphone lady for teens is off of her damn rocker.

It's ironic that she wastes her day on DCUM spouting the evils of being online.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 10:54     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.


You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.


lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!


It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.


As adults, we like some people and don't like others. Of those that I like, I self-select which ones I will spend extra time socializing with (lunches, coffee, walks, etc.). It doesn't make me mean but I don't have time to seek out people I don't connect with as much. There was nothing wrong with the tone of the post. You just don't like the message (underlined.) It's harsh but so be it. It doesn't mean she isn't caring, but instead is trying to help others accept what they don't want to accept.


it's bizarre to me that you never socialize with people that you don't self select. I mean it's not he deep. Sometimes you are in social situations with people that are not your close friends. So what? Sometimes you have a cookout for neighbors and invite the one person that is not your favorite but it would be weird to not include them.


NP. It's not that we never socialize with people we don't self select. I go to other people's parties all the time, where there are people I don't particularly care for, and I'm perfectly pleasant to them. But when I'm controlling the guest list, you'd better believe I only invite people whose company I enjoy. I'm no martyr.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 10:52     Subject: Re:I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When I was growing up our parents did not care who you liked or did not like, you invited everybody and you did not leave somebody out. You got over it and learned to be a gracious host.


This is the reply of someone with endless resources. There is no possible way my family could have in life's every friend I knew at everything. That would costs thousands per event and we didn't have that money. I also didn't know of a single person who had that kind of wealth. No one invited everyone to everything. Everyone was selective and did activities that made sense with $ and number of seats in a car and size of house etc.


or they have people over and don't spend thousands of $$$. Who is spending thousands of $$ for kids to hang out. That is weird.


What about y our kid wnats to go to a movie - do you invite every person your kid knows? Between sports, school, neighborhood, that could be 60 or 70 kids. Since we aren't just inviting friends but all kids so no one feels left out, how do you get them all there. Do you rent out the theater to be sure there are seats for everyone who came? Do you buy them all the same items t the concession stand to be sure no one who has less money feels left out?

Or do you invite a few close friend and accept the reality that there is likely a kid out there who is at home and would have liked to have gone to a movie with your kids.

Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 10:46     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:I agree with OPs general sentiment about social engineering, but I think her post sounds pretty mean.


This. As evidenced in the difference between the concept that certain kids might not “click” and “other kids don’t like yours very much.”
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 10:33     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
I agree with OPs general sentiment about social engineering, but I think her post sounds pretty mean.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 10:30     Subject: Re:I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When I was growing up our parents did not care who you liked or did not like, you invited everybody and you did not leave somebody out. You got over it and learned to be a gracious host.


This is the reply of someone with endless resources. There is no possible way my family could have in life's every friend I knew at everything. That would costs thousands per event and we didn't have that money. I also didn't know of a single person who had that kind of wealth. No one invited everyone to everything. Everyone was selective and did activities that made sense with $ and number of seats in a car and size of house etc.


or they have people over and don't spend thousands of $$$. Who is spending thousands of $$ for kids to hang out. That is weird.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 10:29     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.


You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.


lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!


It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.


As adults, we like some people and don't like others. Of those that I like, I self-select which ones I will spend extra time socializing with (lunches, coffee, walks, etc.). It doesn't make me mean but I don't have time to seek out people I don't connect with as much. There was nothing wrong with the tone of the post. You just don't like the message (underlined.) It's harsh but so be it. It doesn't mean she isn't caring, but instead is trying to help others accept what they don't want to accept.


it's bizarre to me that you never socialize with people that you don't self select. I mean it's not he deep. Sometimes you are in social situations with people that are not your close friends. So what? Sometimes you have a cookout for neighbors and invite the one person that is not your favorite but it would be weird to not include them.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 10:26     Subject: Re:I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:When I was growing up our parents did not care who you liked or did not like, you invited everybody and you did not leave somebody out. You got over it and learned to be a gracious host.


This is the reply of someone with endless resources. There is no possible way my family could have in life's every friend I knew at everything. That would costs thousands per event and we didn't have that money. I also didn't know of a single person who had that kind of wealth. No one invited everyone to everything. Everyone was selective and did activities that made sense with $ and number of seats in a car and size of house etc.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 10:16     Subject: Re:I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Back to the original theme, I found it very comforting when my DS had a rough time socially in MS, and read here that this wasn't unusual and many other parents had seen the same. Many posted it gets better in HS, which did end up being the case with my DS. And I appreciate being able to pass that along to other parents posting here.

We all want our kids to be happy and enjoy their short time as kids as much as possible, it's normal for parents to fret over those things, and want to get a gauge of what's "normal" and what's not.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 10:16     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
While some parents make mountains out of molehills, you need to remember that there are some manipulative teens out there, and also that this isn't your generation - this one is dealing with the reverb effects of social media, which is merciless because it shows all the other people having fun without you. Adults suffer from this as well.


This. The PP is right.

OP, I'm older (kid in college) and while I agree with you that some DCUM posters seem to go too far in wringing their hands over specific invitations sometimes...there are also other interactions and more serious exclusions that today can turn far more damaging than back in the day when spats or BFF dramas could just die out over a comparatively short time, or manipulative teens/tweens would just move on to another thing. Now, social media can keep drama alive, spread it to a nearly school-wide circle of kids, and amplify its effects greatly. Parents need to be aware of this and not dismiss it.


What’s bonkers is that parents spend a huge mount of time dealing with issues that are caused by or at least exacerbated by social media instead of doing the actual parenting of not giving their kids smartphones. There truly is NO REASON your teen needs a smart phone or social media. None.


I would rather my kids learn how to use social media properly rather than take it away completely and I think that’s good parenting.


Agree 100%.

I get a kick out of the “there is absolutely no reason to have a smartphone or social media! None!” people. How about communication? Social interaction? Keeping up with their friends? Watching videos for FUN (oh, the horror!)? My daughter uses hers as her alarm. And a phone to call her friends. And to text. And to check out her friends Instagram. And to look up fun art projects. And to binge watch Friends on Netflix.

You may not like the reasons, but that’s on you. There are plenty of reasons in this day and age to have a smartphone and social media. I just monitor my daughters phone when necessary and talk about stuff that comes up as needed.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 10:00     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
While some parents make mountains out of molehills, you need to remember that there are some manipulative teens out there, and also that this isn't your generation - this one is dealing with the reverb effects of social media, which is merciless because it shows all the other people having fun without you. Adults suffer from this as well.


This. The PP is right.

OP, I'm older (kid in college) and while I agree with you that some DCUM posters seem to go too far in wringing their hands over specific invitations sometimes...there are also other interactions and more serious exclusions that today can turn far more damaging than back in the day when spats or BFF dramas could just die out over a comparatively short time, or manipulative teens/tweens would just move on to another thing. Now, social media can keep drama alive, spread it to a nearly school-wide circle of kids, and amplify its effects greatly. Parents need to be aware of this and not dismiss it.


What’s bonkers is that parents spend a huge mount of time dealing with issues that are caused by or at least exacerbated by social media instead of doing the actual parenting of not giving their kids smartphones. There truly is NO REASON your teen needs a smart phone or social media. None.


I would rather my kids learn how to use social media properly rather than take it away completely and I think that’s good parenting.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:59     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's simple. People talk about the effects of social media on kids, and it is significant, but the answer to the OP's post is really about the effects of social media and access to things like DCUM on the internet on PARENTS. I'll bet our parents thought about these things sometimes, but they had no outlet to talk about them unless they cared enough to seek out a friend or relative and have a conversation. Now you can hop on the internet and vent to strangers while you are still in the heat of the moment.

The world would be a better place if people didn't post online when they are having a bad moment. Write it down and get it out of you but then...delete it. Or wait to post until you think about it a bit. Keep a journal or something.


I think posting is a good thing. You get it off your chest and don’t bother your friends with it. Also many perspectives. No one is forcing you to click on these threads.


Dp. I'm not so sure. Sometimes this serves as an echo chamber. Whereas before you might have just let go your issue that your tween doesn't have anyone to ToT, you start a thread here which turns into 5 page thread and then you and anonymous others have convinced yourself that it's a BIG deal! Then you start being extra-sensitive to slights, real or imagined.

That said, I don't really agree with OP's post. She sounds a little mean. The posts I see on here are just about helping kids navigate tough social situations and not just complaints that the kids weren't invited to every party out there. It's not a matter of my kid and yours just don't click so why should I force it, it's about kids who suddenly push one kid out a group for seemingly no reason (they must have clicked at some point right) or something like that. I saw that a lot growing up and that's really rough.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:58     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
While some parents make mountains out of molehills, you need to remember that there are some manipulative teens out there, and also that this isn't your generation - this one is dealing with the reverb effects of social media, which is merciless because it shows all the other people having fun without you. Adults suffer from this as well.


This. The PP is right.

OP, I'm older (kid in college) and while I agree with you that some DCUM posters seem to go too far in wringing their hands over specific invitations sometimes...there are also other interactions and more serious exclusions that today can turn far more damaging than back in the day when spats or BFF dramas could just die out over a comparatively short time, or manipulative teens/tweens would just move on to another thing. Now, social media can keep drama alive, spread it to a nearly school-wide circle of kids, and amplify its effects greatly. Parents need to be aware of this and not dismiss it.


What’s bonkers is that parents spend a huge mount of time dealing with issues that are caused by or at least exacerbated by social media instead of doing the actual parenting of not giving their kids smartphones. There truly is NO REASON your teen needs a smart phone or social media. None.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:51     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.


You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.


lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!


It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.


As adults, we like some people and don't like others. Of those that I like, I self-select which ones I will spend extra time socializing with (lunches, coffee, walks, etc.). It doesn't make me mean but I don't have time to seek out people I don't connect with as much. There was nothing wrong with the tone of the post. You just don't like the message (underlined.) It's harsh but so be it. It doesn't mean she isn't caring, but instead is trying to help others accept what they don't want to accept.