Anonymous
11/02/2019 00:51
Subject: culteral difference with wife??
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:background is that I'm white and my wife is Chinese.
We have been married about three years and my wife has recently started telling me that she has (or had) expectations that I should have (or should be) been giving her money to fill up some type of personal bank account and that without that she hasn't "gotten anything out of the marriage." It isn't just about a pure chase exchange but she has started making comments about how "you didn't buy me a house in my name."
It looks like, in her mind, there is some expectation that the wife is to be given some significantly large quantity of money as well as some property that is to be exclusively hers. Like some reverse dowry. This issue started coming up recently after she started spending time with other Chinese women and it appears they have been comparing what their bank accounts.
Our situation is that I have a house that we live in which was purchased before the marriage. She has her own income and she keeps it in her own bank account. I've been totally taken by surprise by the notion that she is owed a cash payment and a house. She has said that these other women have anywhere from 100 - 200k in their "wife" account and that their husbands have bought an extra house in the wife's name only.
The whole scenario sounds totally screwed up to me.
Can anyone out there explain to me what she might be thinking?
Is this some sort of cultural thing?
I would love a rational perspective from someone that is actually Chinese.
None of this was an issue (that I knew about) until now.
More importantly why haven't you combined finances. Married couples both names on house, both names on cars, both names on bank accounts. Unless there is one person who has a gambling addiction or major debt before marriage why don't you trust enough to share? And no "wife account" is not cultural.
Spoken like a true gold digger.
Anonymous
11/01/2019 18:25
Subject: culteral difference with wife??
Chinese woman here, though I've been here for almost 30yrs. DH, also Chinese, and I have his, mine and joint bank accounts bc we got married in our 30s and already somewhat established. There is no Chinese way of running the household. Growing up, my dad was in charge while my MIL ran her household.
You mentioned that you've been married for 3 yrs and this talk only surfaced when she made new friends. I admit some of us can be very showy, ie. openly comparing salaries, cars, house sizes, bank accounts, etc. Is your wife feeling insecure and now feels the need to keep up with the Jones?
Regardless, cultural customs aside, use this opportunity to reassess your financial arrangements when both of you seem unhappy. But most importantly, steer her away from her new friends and her mom if she's easily influenced.
You mentioned that you've been married for 3 yrs and this talk only surfaced when she made new friends. I admit some of us can be very showy, ie. openly comparing salaries, cars, house sizes, bank accounts, etc. Is your wife feeling insecure and now feels the need to keep up with the Jones?
Regardless, cultural customs aside, use this opportunity to reassess your financial arrangements when both of you seem unhappy. But most importantly, steer her away from her new friends and her mom if she's easily influenced.
Anonymous
11/01/2019 13:56
Subject: culteral difference with wife??
You are getting played. She is spending your money while saving her income for marriage #2.
Anonymous
11/01/2019 13:55
Subject: culteral difference with wife??
Tell her if she wants to play the traditional card, then she needs to take care of your parents when they get older.
Anonymous
11/01/2019 13:53
Subject: culteral difference with wife??
Anonymous wrote:Married a Chinese wife from China (though she studied in the USA). The very idea of a separate bank accounts was a non-starter from the get go. Just "not done that way" in China. We have comingled everything.
The separate accounts was the wifes idea. It was a non-starter for her to put the accounts together. I wonder why there is the difference?
Anonymous
11/01/2019 13:42
Subject: Re:culteral difference with wife??
Anonymous wrote:1. she doesn't want combined finances because she doesn't want to share her income.
2. I bought the house before we got married and I have a significant amount of equity in it. I don't see why I should "put her name on the house" if she isn't going to help pay the mortgage or repairs. If I die she will get the house but if she divorces me then I don't plan on giving her half of everything I put into the house prior to marriage. This is me talking bluntly I'm not this blunt about it otherwise. Its a premarital asset.
Why did you marry this woman if you aren't combining your assets? I mean, in your mind, are you giving it a 50/50 chance? Sounds like you're literally banking on eventual divorce. Do it now, I guess. Hopefully this is before you ahve kids.
Anonymous
11/01/2019 13:26
Subject: culteral difference with wife??
Married a Chinese wife from China (though she studied in the USA). The very idea of a separate bank accounts was a non-starter from the get go. Just "not done that way" in China. We have comingled everything.
Anonymous
11/01/2019 13:00
Subject: culteral difference with wife??
I mean, you already are giving her a "wife account" by letting her keep her money and paying all of her living expenses. I would respond to this with a budget showing your monthly expenses cut by 50% and telling her its her monthly wife account payment (including either mortgage or monthly rental value of your home). Encourage her to use that money to buy a second home in her own name if that is her preference.
Anonymous
11/01/2019 12:54
Subject: culteral difference with wife??
1. I've considered if there is something else going on and I've asked and I'm having trouble unraveling the various statements. They have ranged from comments about anniversary gifts, to cars, to how her mom and dad do things...
2. I do ok but I'm not "wealthy."
3. Her dad turns over money to her mom. I don't think he turns all of it over but they have some kind of arrangement. Her mom is obsessive about money. She physically goes to the bank a couple times a week to check on it. I very frankly told her and her mom and her dad to their face that we would not be doing that sort of thing and I asked them to respect that. I am wondering if her mother is causing some amount of this issue behind the scenes.
1. This is not something she would be able to answer herself, you'll have to figure it out on her own.
3. Obsessiveness about money is to some extent cultural, and it's also super common among immigrants, who feel less secure. My suggestion is to reframe and remind her that you have an American marriage with American expectations, and possibly also be a little aggressive about pushing her to contributing more. I know a lot of people feel like owning property is a big deal, and by you owning a house, she can't invest money in property. She should therefore buy her own property and put the money she would have spent on rent into that property, so that she has something of her own, which will then make her feel more secure, but without cutting into your finances. Or, you could buy a joint property and leave your current house as an investment. Or some other thing. But what she is suggesting is a no-go, and I can't really understand why she's even suggesting it, unless she's regretting not marrying a Chinese man? I can't see how it won't occur to her that you wouldn't agree to this. Maybe she just wants to assert power in your marriage? In that case I would quickly try to shut that down.
Anonymous
11/01/2019 12:54
Subject: Re:culteral difference with wife??
Yeah, this is not going to end well.
Anonymous
11/01/2019 12:45
Subject: culteral difference with wife??
Divorce her ASAP. No one is this good in bed
Anonymous
11/01/2019 12:41
Subject: culteral difference with wife??
Anonymous wrote:I'm white (though not born in US), married to a Taiwanese guy.
I'm wondering if she's feeling insecure in the marriage and this is her way of getting attention. Or if she feels slighted or taken advantage of in other ways, and this is her way of settling the score. As someone who grew up in the U.S., she must realize that your marriage isn't going to follow traditional Chinese customs. Does she behave as a traditional Chinese wife, and that's what's prompting her to make these demands? And are you very wealthy, and is that why she married you?
I know that it's typical in Taiwanese couples for the woman to control the finances, regardless of whether she works outside the home, and for her to limit spending. But again, when a person marries outside the culture, he/she can't expect same.
In sum, I think this is just the excuse, and something else is bothering her. How you respond is key. I don't mean you should give in, but you should be careful and treat her well but firmly state why it's a no-go.
1. I've considered if there is something else going on and I've asked and I'm having trouble unraveling the various statements. They have ranged from comments about anniversary gifts, to cars, to how her mom and dad do things...
2. I do ok but I'm not "wealthy."
3. Her dad turns over money to her mom. I don't think he turns all of it over but they have some kind of arrangement. Her mom is obsessive about money. She physically goes to the bank a couple times a week to check on it. I very frankly told her and her mom and her dad to their face that we would not be doing that sort of thing and I asked them to respect that. I am wondering if her mother is causing some amount of this issue behind the scenes.
Anonymous
11/01/2019 12:31
Subject: Re:culteral difference with wife??
I’m Chinese American. My husband is white. We have 2 kids and did not combine finances but have a joint checking account and contribute the same on a monthly basis that we pay shared credit card expenses and mortgage out of. He makes maybe 15% more than me. When we have bigger expenses we each contribute what we can on top of monthly and don’t keep score.
If your wife is from China and only moved here for high school or college I could maybe see her having the provider mindset but if she is American like me that’s just BS. Either way, you need to get on the same page or as others have said do not have kids. She will shame you for not being able to afford the best private schools. The only way I understand a wife account is if she doesn’t work and stays at home with kids.
If your wife is from China and only moved here for high school or college I could maybe see her having the provider mindset but if she is American like me that’s just BS. Either way, you need to get on the same page or as others have said do not have kids. She will shame you for not being able to afford the best private schools. The only way I understand a wife account is if she doesn’t work and stays at home with kids.
Anonymous
11/01/2019 12:28
Subject: culteral difference with wife??
This got to be a troll.
Anonymous
11/01/2019 12:27
Subject: Re:culteral difference with wife??
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The problems started when you guys didn't contribute to the household jointly. I'm Asian-American (not Chinese though) and my DH and I share all bank accounts and everything comes out of those shared accounts. Did you guys not talk about this before you were married? How are expenses split?
She said that she didn't want a joint account after we got married.
I pay all the expenses. She says its the mans job to pay expenses.
So if she goes grocery shopping, you reimburse her? How far does this go?
In the grocery shopping example, which she doesn't usually do, she uses money from the accounts that are in my name.
The way it works is her income is hers and I don't spend it on anything. My income is ours and we both spend it.
This is not me being stingy or keeping score on stuff. I would be ok combining finances and I felt like she didn't trust me when she said she didn't want to.