Anonymous wrote:So your plan is wait to move to dc and then divorce?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’ve gotten a lot of great advice here Op. I think it helps to break it down as you really have three separate issues going on:

(1) division of labor: most of us have struggled with this. As others have suggested, throwing $ at the problem and hiring help is the easiest. Otherwise it helps to be very specific with DH because it seems men sometimes can’t “see” what needs to be done. When my DC were small I put DH in charge of laundry- all of it. I told him if he did 100% of it- on his own timeline just get it done- I’d be happy. He did. I continued doing most everything else (cooking, cleaning). Mine would rather have an “area” he is 100% responsible for than have to coordinate with me on other things.

(2) DHs “issues”. Maybe he is depressed, maybe it is situational (job stress, he is not good with toddlers), maybe it is something else. Who knows. Try to get to the bottom of it. Wait for a good time to talk and suggest all that you can depending on what he says...exercise, a doctor, etc.

(3) how to manage yourself in the meantime while this is getting figured out- you have gotten many good suggestions about walking away, doing your own thing, etc etc

Good luck OP! We are all behind you. I really hope this is just a “blip” for your family- it happens. Hang in there.

This is true...there can be hard days, hard months, and sometimes hard years, and couples can still come out of it on the other end. I'm in the hard years category, and am working to hang in there.

OP here with an update. I told DH what I was feeling and mostly got blown off. Basically, he felt he wasn't doing anything wrong and I wasn't sufficiently acknowledging his contributions. (I didn't say "what contributions?!")

But last week he was having yet another woe-is-me morning, but off to the pumpkin patch we go. Then, with all of us in the car, he managed to t-bone another car, entirely DH's fault. He gets into a screaming match with the other driver, more f-bombs than I cared to count. Completely embarrassing, totally out of control. Next morning, he's still raging and I had enough--I'm trying to deal with insurance, figure how getting a rental car, etc., while he's still hung up on the fact that the other driver yelled at him. I snapped that he needed to get over it and get it together because we're in this mess 100% because of his actions. I'm an unsupportive witch blah blah blah and he's been crashing with a friend ever since.

God, this sucks.

Anonymous wrote:You can continue to let him be an albatross around your neck or you can make your own plans to relieve your own stress. Start small, like another PP said, get a cable service that you like and have it connected in the bedroom. Since you have a job now, you pay for it yourself and you get to make the decision for what you watch there. When he starts being dramatic, move into the bedroom and close the door. Let him know very explicitly that if he is going to be nice, he can come in and join you. If he is not, then he can go back out to the other TV and be all huffy and childish out there. Tell him that you are doing all that you can to hold the family together through the stress his choices have made and you can't handle any additional stress on top of that.

Tell him that you don't have sympathy for him not enjoying his job since you made a lot of sacrifices for him to take that job and to stay in your city when you clearly said that you wanted to go back. If he wants to stay in the job, he doesn't get to complain about it to you. If he wants to complain about the job, then he needs to actively look for work in DC and be prepared to move back up here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice just sympathy here. I too think my husband needs therapy be he disagrees. He has become an angry bitter person and I think his is all job related too. He had a great job for a long time and was a happy person. The past couple years he has bounced from job to job and he’s miserable. Which would be fine except he refuses to see/admit that he’s not himself.

Add me in. My DH is like this too. I'm tired of walking on eggshells with this man. For all the folks who say, "why did you marry him?", well my DH has grown angry and miserable as time went on. He wasn't this like this when we got married. Or the folks who say "why don't you communicate?" Yeah, some of us have tried. But these DH's are so defensive and not self-reflective at all. When I try to discuss these things, he quickly goes to "FINE, I WILL JUST LEAVE AND YOU CAN BE THE ONLY PARENT."

In my younger days I didn't really understood staying together for the kids. Now I get it. If it were just me, I'd leave. But to uproot my (teen and tween) kids and turn their lives upside down?

Ditto, we deal w DH weekly temper tantrums as well. Nothing gets done because of them, which he really seems to like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’ve gotten a lot of great advice here Op. I think it helps to break it down as you really have three separate issues going on:

(1) division of labor: most of us have struggled with this. As others have suggested, throwing $ at the problem and hiring help is the easiest. Otherwise it helps to be very specific with DH because it seems men sometimes can’t “see” what needs to be done. When my DC were small I put DH in charge of laundry- all of it. I told him if he did 100% of it- on his own timeline just get it done- I’d be happy. He did. I continued doing most everything else (cooking, cleaning). Mine would rather have an “area” he is 100% responsible for than have to coordinate with me on other things.

(2) DHs “issues”. Maybe he is depressed, maybe it is situational (job stress, he is not good with toddlers), maybe it is something else. Who knows. Try to get to the bottom of it. Wait for a good time to talk and suggest all that you can depending on what he says...exercise, a doctor, etc.

(3) how to manage yourself in the meantime while this is getting figured out- you have gotten many good suggestions about walking away, doing your own thing, etc etc

Good luck OP! We are all behind you. I really hope this is just a “blip” for your family- it happens. Hang in there.

This is true...there can be hard days, hard months, and sometimes hard years, and couples can still come out of it on the other end. I'm in the hard years category, and am working to hang in there.

OP here with an update. I told DH what I was feeling and mostly got blown off. Basically, he felt he wasn't doing anything wrong and I wasn't sufficiently acknowledging his contributions. (I didn't say "what contributions?!")

But last week he was having yet another woe-is-me morning, but off to the pumpkin patch we go. Then, with all of us in the car, he managed to t-bone another car, entirely DH's fault. He gets into a screaming match with the other driver, more f-bombs than I cared to count. Completely embarrassing, totally out of control. Next morning, he's still raging and I had enough--I'm trying to deal with insurance, figure how getting a rental car, etc., while he's still hung up on the fact that the other driver yelled at him. I snapped that he needed to get over it and get it together because we're in this mess 100% because of his actions. I'm an unsupportive witch blah blah blah and he's been crashing with a friend ever since.

God, this sucks.