Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a bad sign if couple don’t argue much. They’ve probably given up and allowed resent to build.

It’s amazing how wrong this actually is.

+100. Where do people get this nonsense? My DH and I may disagree. But we do not argue. We certainly don’t fight. We don’t bicker or call names. It’s just not who we are.

We have been married 30 years next month.

When you disagree, do you just roll over, or do you each try to persuade the to accept your position? If you do the latter, that’s constructive argumentation. So, I still contend that arguing is healthy. No way you agree with your spouse 100% of the time and less you care about absolutely nothing.

DP. We do the latter. But it still happens infrequently. And when we persuade it isn't with malice and we don't try to bully. And we work towards a quick compromise or decision if we realize we are never going to agree.

Anonymous wrote:In my case, my ex and I rarely fought and eventually realized it was because I didn't care enough about the relationship to get worked up over anything. Probably not a common reason, but it was a reason.

This is way more common than you think. I know several divorced couples like that. One friend even said in hindsight things were over when they no longer stood up for what they felt strongly about. Appeasement became a death knell for the marriage.

In my case, my ex and I rarely fought and eventually realized it was because I didn't care enough about the relationship to get worked up over anything. Probably not a common reason, but it was a reason.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a bad sign if couple don’t argue much. They’ve probably given up and allowed resent to build.

It’s amazing how wrong this actually is.

+100. Where do people get this nonsense? My DH and I may disagree. But we do not argue. We certainly don’t fight. We don’t bicker or call names. It’s just not who we are.

We have been married 30 years next month.

When you disagree, do you just roll over, or do you each try to persuade the to accept your position? If you do the latter, that’s constructive argumentation. So, I still contend that arguing is healthy. No way you agree with your spouse 100% of the time and less you care about absolutely nothing.

And —> unless

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a bad sign if couple don’t argue much. They’ve probably given up and allowed resent to build.

It’s amazing how wrong this actually is.

+100. Where do people get this nonsense? My DH and I may disagree. But we do not argue. We certainly don’t fight. We don’t bicker or call names. It’s just not who we are.

We have been married 30 years next month.

When you disagree, do you just roll over, or do you each try to persuade the to accept your position? If you do the latter, that’s constructive argumentation. So, I still contend that arguing is healthy. No way you agree with your spouse 100% of the time and less you care about absolutely nothing.

Anonymous wrote:Happily married 30 yrs - why on DCUM relationships board?

I'm not that person. But I am in what people consider a hard period of marriage (together 9 years, married 6, two kids about to be three kids under 5).

Very happy marriage.

I come here because I've always been drawn to people and how they tick. I think people and their stories and thoughts are fascinating. And I like to offer my perspective since I do have a happy relationship to try to spread the wealth.

This board makes me sad a lot though so I take breaks.

Husband here - I don't think we've ever had a fight or even a big argument but we've certainly had disagreements. Like others we are pretty easy going and since my wife is incredibly smart and thoughtful about other peoples needs or desires I know she considers how I might feel about a decision she is making. A few years ago we built a new home and my only input was on the basic design (and budget!). After that she probably made 90% of the decisions on her own and I didn't see it under construction for the last six months and when I finally saw it I loved it. Do I consider her needs when I make a decision? I try but I don't make many decisions!

Happily married 30 yrs - why on DCUM relationships board?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a bad sign if couple don’t argue much. They’ve probably given up and allowed resent to build.

It’s amazing how wrong this actually is.

+100. Where do people get this nonsense? My DH and I may disagree. But we do not argue. We certainly don’t fight. We don’t bicker or call names. It’s just not who we are.

We have been married 30 years next month.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm lumping bickering in with arguing. It's still a disagreement. I also am including discussions with opposing opinions in arguing.

No, there is a huge difference between bickering and arguing versus discussions with opposing opinions.

Exactly. Bickering and arguing are negative interactions. A discussion allows both parties to be heard without rancor.

No. Arguing means you give your reasons for not agreeing with someone else’s position and discuss. To do so otherwise, means you don’t feel strongly about an issue/topic or you’re a doormat. We talk things through, don’t yell, hit, get red faced, etc, but that doesn’t mean we don’t argue.

You're a lawyer, yeah?

Engineer

I'm an English and philosophy major and agree with the engineer. Words have meaning. OP is asking about couples who rarely argue, therefore trying to determine what results in a low conflict marriage. If everything counts as 'argument' then OP will lose the gist of what they are looking to discover.

If you are OP than you are assuming low conflict couples never disagree, most of us are saying we do, we just don't fight, there is a difference.

arguing, to me anyway, has more "feelings" involved. more negative feelings. discussion is an unemotional process to understand each others perspective. yes, we discuss but we don't argue.

Engineer here — in a discussion I do not have a strong or no position on a topic, or I am trying figure out what my position is. I mostly discuss things with my spouse, but I also argue as explained earlier. If I disagree strongly with my spouse, I say something. I may relent. I may not. But my spouse knows where I stand.

I am not sure. It helps we are both pretty easygoing and that we trust each other. Rather than making up my mind and then ramming my decision through, we talk things over together and arrive at a consensus. It probably helped that we met when we were relatively young (I was 22).

The other thing is, if I'm upset, I get quiet, mull things over, and figure out what's bothering me, and what I should do about it, instead of exploding on him. (And he is like that too.) Most of the time, I figure out a solution without ever having a big fight about it. I just learned at some point, in other relationships, and from my parents' bad marriage, that complaining and demanding things never actually works. If I want something, I figure out how reasonable my want is, and if it is, how to incentivize my DH to make it happen, and it works way more effectively.

Also, I don't emotionally dump on him. I have the Internet for that.

But also, he's a great guy, very involved in home life (maybe even more so than me), so I forgive him the occasional clutter and other little minor annoyances.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm lumping bickering in with arguing. It's still a disagreement. I also am including discussions with opposing opinions in arguing.

No, there is a huge difference between bickering and arguing versus discussions with opposing opinions.

Exactly. Bickering and arguing are negative interactions. A discussion allows both parties to be heard without rancor.

No. Arguing means you give your reasons for not agreeing with someone else’s position and discuss. To do so otherwise, means you don’t feel strongly about an issue/topic or you’re a doormat. We talk things through, don’t yell, hit, get red faced, etc, but that doesn’t mean we don’t argue.

You're a lawyer, yeah?

Engineer

I'm an English and philosophy major and agree with the engineer. Words have meaning. OP is asking about couples who rarely argue, therefore trying to determine what results in a low conflict marriage. If everything counts as 'argument' then OP will lose the gist of what they are looking to discover.

If you are OP than you are assuming low conflict couples never disagree, most of us are saying we do, we just don't fight, there is a difference.

arguing, to me anyway, has more "feelings" involved. more negative feelings. discussion is an unemotional process to understand each others perspective. yes, we discuss but we don't argue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you achieve this? Do you and spouse naturally agree on everything? Do you disagree but rarely voice your disagreement leading to no arguments?

We do not agree on everything, but we agree on most things. When something comes up that we disagree about or I am annoyed about something, I think very carefully about whether it is worth it to me to create an argument in order to voice my disapproval. The answer is almost always no. This is not to say that DH just gets to do whatever he wants with no disapproval from me. We really just genuinely do not have a lot of points of contention in our relationship.

“... with no disapproval from me.” So rather than debate something you disapprove of (that is, argue), you do what? Stop speaking to him, withhold something from him, reprimand him for making you upset, resent him, ...? What form does your overt disapproval take? If you remain silent, how does he know what exactly you don’t agree with if you don’t give an argument?

I would say that we discuss things without arguing to the extent possible. I would say that our main disagreements in the last 5 years have related to one of us wanting to spend money on something the other one does not want to spend money on, and it's largely been 50/50 as to who is proposing to spend the money in the first place. In those instances, we have had a rational discussion about why it's important and the one who is not in favor of the expenditure has always been able to respect the reasons of the other one enough to not block the expenditure or be pissy about it.

It sounds like you don't think it's possible for a person to be disappointed about something without acting like a jerk about it. Not everyone operates that way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm lumping bickering in with arguing. It's still a disagreement. I also am including discussions with opposing opinions in arguing.

No, there is a huge difference between bickering and arguing versus discussions with opposing opinions.

Exactly. Bickering and arguing are negative interactions. A discussion allows both parties to be heard without rancor.

No. Arguing means you give your reasons for not agreeing with someone else’s position and discuss. To do so otherwise, means you don’t feel strongly about an issue/topic or you’re a doormat. We talk things through, don’t yell, hit, get red faced, etc, but that doesn’t mean we don’t argue.

You're a lawyer, yeah?

Engineer

I'm an English and philosophy major and agree with the engineer. Words have meaning. OP is asking about couples who rarely argue, therefore trying to determine what results in a low conflict marriage. If everything counts as 'argument' then OP will lose the gist of what they are looking to discover.

If you are OP than you are assuming low conflict couples never disagree, most of us are saying we do, we just don't fight, there is a difference.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm lumping bickering in with arguing. It's still a disagreement. I also am including discussions with opposing opinions in arguing.

No, there is a huge difference between bickering and arguing versus discussions with opposing opinions.

Exactly. Bickering and arguing are negative interactions. A discussion allows both parties to be heard without rancor.

No. Arguing means you give your reasons for not agreeing with someone else’s position and discuss. To do so otherwise, means you don’t feel strongly about an issue/topic or you’re a doormat. We talk things through, don’t yell, hit, get red faced, etc, but that doesn’t mean we don’t argue.

You're a lawyer, yeah?

Engineer