Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 14:30     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
Buy yourself a set of sheets for your bed.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 14:23     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
Anonymous wrote:I think your stepdad was proud of what you did to your room and was probably surprised you reacted in a negative manner to his showing it off to friend+other boy - AND ...maybe realized he made a mistake in not asking you first. Unfortunately, his reaction was to double down instead of apologize.

In your case, because your mom doesn’t sound supportive, I would bide my time until graduation - you know how stepdad reacts - speak calmly to him about issues but don’t inflame as he clearly acts immaturely. You need to be the adult here.

I Agree with talking to a counselor - find a trusted adult to talk with.

Remember you will be on your own someday and will get to be master of your life. This is a tough time now when you are starting to be ready for that but still don’t have the means (job to support yourself) to drive your ship you will get there. Congratulations on your job and creating your own space - and also finding this space - you’re going to do well for yourself


I agree with this. Put away any personal things and change your sheets if needed. Honestly, I can’t imagine being so offended that a sibling napped in my bed....even a step sibling.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 14:17     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
It is probably a good idea to mention this to other trusted adults. Just tell it like it happened - stick to the facts. Say exactly what he did, exactly what he said and describe your mother's lack of reaction.

Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 14:06     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
Anonymous wrote:I’m a 15-year-old girl.

I am a good student. I study. I make great grades. I take life seriously. I work part-time. I save the majority of my income. I’m responsible. I’m not a problem child. I’m your average Sophomore girl.

I live with my mom, stepdad and two younger siblings. Overall my relationship with my family is good. I love both my mom and stepdad but I’d say my stepdad is sometimes unreasonable strict and generally likes to exert his authority over me at any chance. We can butt heads.

I have my own room. Earlier this week I came in to see that some of my stuff isn’t where I left it. I ask me mom and she says she’s not sure, but that my younger siblings had not been in the room. My stepdad told me he came in to show his friend and his friends son (my age!) my room. Why? I recently repainted my room and painted a small mural on one of my walls. My stepdad wanted to show his friend. I felt a little violated, my stuff had been touched. I told him I wished he would have asked me and he got really angry. He stated that it was his house, and he paid for it so every room is his and he can go in as he pleases. I got upset to, and said I felt violated and embarrassed and he made a joke at my expense claiming I had left some of my dietary clothes (including underwear and a few bras) on my floor and how my dads friends son had seen them and they all laughed. I feel humiliated. I got extremely upset and he laughed at me. My mom tried to mediate but she usually sided with him. I feel like it’s my only safe space and if he had asked I would have made it more presentable. I was not comfortable with the idea that a man and a teen boy I’m frankly not comfortable with were in my room, clearly touching my stuff. Yes, many of the items in the room I paid for myself.

Well, I thought we had gotten over it even though I was still upset but I got home from practice today and my bed was unmade and stunk. I started crying and my stepdad said he napped in my bed because “he bought it, he owns it.” This makes me uncomfortable and feel unsafe in my home.

My dad is extremely upset. My mom says I’m overreacting.

Before I make this a bigger deal, would you do this to your child/stepchild?


OP, I've not read the whole thread. No, I don't think you are over reacting. And you sound like a mature young woman with your head on straight who has thought this through. I trust you and I believe you.

That was definitely a weird flex on the part of your stepdad, and it bothers me that he belittled you and your feelings about it.

Here's my advice, and it's REALLY general. Don't operate in a vacuum. Tell other trusted adults what's up, just the way you told us, and tell as many of them as you can find.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 13:35     Subject: Re:Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
Anonymous wrote:
Your step dad is an asshole. He slept in the bed to piss you off. A power trip


This. He's weird. He's very very weird. You are not going to change the fact that he is weird. But you need to be safe. What you need to do is *survive this* SAFELY until you are out of the house.


+1000 Work hard in school and at work. Get involved in activities at school. Talk to your guidance counselor about college opportunities.

Do not put your energy into head butting your step dad. That is not going to work out for you. Keep your room straightened up. Toe the line. And stay gone from that house as much as you can. If he does anything to scare you - GET OUT.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 13:25     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
Anonymous wrote:Yeah and what do you mean your bed was "Smelly" after he slept in it? Did he mow the lawn first or something? Cause even when I sleep in someone's bed I don't leave it "smelly".

He might not have mowed the lawn first but I'm sure he didn't just get out of the shower smelling fresh.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 13:24     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
Anonymous wrote:Yeah and what do you mean your bed was "Smelly" after he slept in it? Did he mow the lawn first or something? Cause even when I sleep in someone's bed I don't leave it "smelly".

Yes you do. I'm sure that OP meant that it smelled like someone else was in there. You know when someone else has been sleeping in your bed.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 13:22     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
Yeah and what do you mean your bed was "Smelly" after he slept in it? Did he mow the lawn first or something? Cause even when I sleep in someone's bed I don't leave it "smelly".
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 12:47     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
Anonymous wrote:
OP,

This is classic controlling and abusive behavior on the part of your stepfather. He humiliates you to better feel his power and influence over you, and probably does the same thing, perhaps in a more subdued way (or not), with everyone who is dependent on him. He may or may not be aware of WHY he does this. Most people don't take the time to parse and understand their inner motivations.

I would sit down and talk with both adults, to say that these constant put-downs and humiliations are unacceptable behaviors and that every time your stepfather does this, you lose a little bit more respect for him. Your mother should defend you to the best of her ability, however she may be dependent on him too and/or brainwashed.

Above all, don't let him get to you. Stay calm, don't cry, put up a neutral front at all times. If your father has a cruel streak, he will enjoy seeing you get emotional.

In a few years, you will be well shot of him.






This. 100%. But, I would NOT speak to him about it at this time. I would give your mom one other opportunity - maybe.

I'd confide in your dad as to what to do. And speak to a school counselor. Get together a list of options. It's abusive.

As for the interim, clean up your room, put everything away. Lock up what you can or take to your dad's. The sleeping in your bed thing is BEYOND unacceptable, creepy, abusive, controlling . . . . I'd be very, very concerned about that.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 12:34     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
I hope this is an author trying to feel out responses to a hypothetical situation for a creative writing project.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 12:30     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
PS please do NOT follow the advice to try to talk to them about this. Mom will repeat what you say. He will double down on his behavior to prove he was right. All you can do is descalate. Do no react. You are a grey rock. Google "grey rock".

Also I repeat, I would move out. Only a matter of time before he does something very serious. Then says "I was just playing", "you are being oversensative" whatever. And your relationship with your mom will be forever broken because she will not support you.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 12:26     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
Sorry but if he is taunting you about your underwear and sleeping in your BED next thing you know he's going to climb in your bed when YOU are in it. He wasn't a perv when you were 9 or 11 - but he is now.

Get out now.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 12:24     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
He's being an ass. Can you go live with your dad?
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 12:20     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
Anonymous wrote:Why are people suggesting living with her father? You all don't know anything about her father except that he divorced her mother and doesn't have custody of her.

I agree that her stepfather is out of line here, and her mother needs to step up and be a mother (not just a wife). But, sometimes you just need to learn how to deal with difficult people. The stepfather isn't going to change and the mother doesn't have a backbone. The only thing OP can do is keep her room clean, focus on her academics and extracurricular activities and prepare to go to college in a few years.

This is small in the universe of teen troubles.


WTF?

No. I’ve been in a similar situation, albeit different, my step father didn’t snoop, etc.

Regardless, OP will have to dig heels in. Hold on to her common sense and instinct. Push back against claims she’s overreacting. My mother always said that too.

. I advise OP to bypass her weak mother, and go straight to her step father. Lay down the law. He would probably be happy for OP to leave and have his wife all to himself.

Do everything you can to get to college. It will save you! Build close relationships with friends and their families. You should have other adults you can rely on and who know your situation.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 12:14     Subject: Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?
Why are people suggesting living with her father? You all don't know anything about her father except that he divorced her mother and doesn't have custody of her.

I agree that her stepfather is out of line here, and her mother needs to step up and be a mother (not just a wife). But, sometimes you just need to learn how to deal with difficult people. The stepfather isn't going to change and the mother doesn't have a backbone. The only thing OP can do is keep her room clean, focus on her academics and extracurricular activities and prepare to go to college in a few years.

This is small in the universe of teen troubles.