Anonymous wrote:But you’re not pleasing her. You have fairly vanilla sex, she’s clearly wanting more, but you shut down things she asks for. All the while you’re going on about being adventurous and how that should be enough for her. She brought up a possible solution. It doesn’t sound like she’s seeing anyone else already. It doesn’t have to be a big deal unless you make it a big deal. Clearly you’re insecure and will create a problem though. She isn’t excited by vanilla sex and asked to spice it up. Tell her no, she can’t have spice. Then she can decide whether an intact marriage or spice is more important.

Does she know you snooped and read all her texts and emails?

How many times have people on dcum said to have this conversation with their partners? If you aren’t fulfilled, don’t have an affair. Instead tell your spouse you want an open marriage if your needs aren’t being met. That’s what she tried to do and now her DH is jumping to her having affairs. This is why most people cheat instead. If you’re going to get the grief of screwing around, you might as well get the fun of it too.

I didn't get the first part at all from his posts. He said they had done anal, light bdsm, etc. That's not vanilla by most standards, and it shows that he has been making an effort to do what she wants since clearly it was new to him. It isn't like they're just doing missionary every time.

My wife and I got married young by the standards of this area (both in our 20's) but we have great sex, elementary age kids, a strong relationship. However I know I'd be like the OP, I'd be pissed if she came to me with something like this for a variety of reasons. I mean, rationalize it all you will, they made a commitment to each other and like the OP, I'd expect that to be honored the same as I honor it.

That being said, I do agree (assuming the wife in this situation has not cheated yet) that she did the right thing by being honest about it instead of acting behind his back. But my answer would be what someone else said. You opened Pandoras Box and it can't be shut. You have options, but if you take option A or B, I'm leaving, and I'll fight for the kids. And the idea of trust is probably shot forever. And I'm not disagreeing with the person who said this is why people cheat rather than having honest conversations, but again, you made the commitment, be mature enough to stick with it. That's not a moral judgment, making the commitment is what that person did, flat out. Honor it or have the decency to get a divorce first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again

I don’t think she’s actively pursuing anyone from what I can tell (checking texts, messages, emails, phone bill) but I can’t know if that means she does or doesn’t have someone in mind. I also don’t buy into this hippie new age stuff as someone put it that open marriages or polyamory or whatever you wanna call it is normal or acceptable. At this point I’m just mad. Of all the women out there who just want to marry a man that faithfully commits she isn’t one of them? Really? I’d take vanilla sex over this any day

You chose the kinky fun lady and this came with the package. Sorry. There are so many vanilla women out there it is not even funny. YOU chose your partner.

So, you are blaming this guy for his wife's behavior and hang ups? Really?

If "this came with the package," the wife should have made that known before they tied the knot.
This is all on her, friend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again

I don’t think she’s actively pursuing anyone from what I can tell (checking texts, messages, emails, phone bill) but I can’t know if that means she does or doesn’t have someone in mind. I also don’t buy into this hippie new age stuff as someone put it that open marriages or polyamory or whatever you wanna call it is normal or acceptable. At this point I’m just mad. Of all the women out there who just want to marry a man that faithfully commits she isn’t one of them? Really? I’d take vanilla sex over this any day

But you’re not pleasing her. You have fairly vanilla sex, she’s clearly wanting more, but you shut down things she asks for. All the while you’re going on about being adventurous and how that should be enough for her. She brought up a possible solution. It doesn’t sound like she’s seeing anyone else already. It doesn’t have to be a big deal unless you make it a big deal. Clearly you’re insecure and will create a problem though. She isn’t excited by vanilla sex and asked to spice it up. Tell her no, she can’t have spice. Then she can decide whether an intact marriage or spice is more important.

Does she know you snooped and read all her texts and emails?

How many times have people on dcum said to have this conversation with their partners? If you aren’t fulfilled, don’t have an affair. Instead tell your spouse you want an open marriage if your needs aren’t being met. That’s what she tried to do and now her DH is jumping to her having affairs. This is why most people cheat instead. If you’re going to get the grief of screwing around, you might as well get the fun of it too.

This exactly. The number of sexually depressed, higher libido spouses who raise the issue, discuss an open marriage and actually get improvement is statistically close to zero. Instead, all it does is get the other spouse suspicious, snooping and on guard. She should have just cheated on the road like the rest of us and pretend it never happened.

Anonymous wrote:Op again

I don’t think she’s actively pursuing anyone from what I can tell (checking texts, messages, emails, phone bill) but I can’t know if that means she does or doesn’t have someone in mind. I also don’t buy into this hippie new age stuff as someone put it that open marriages or polyamory or whatever you wanna call it is normal or acceptable. At this point I’m just mad. Of all the women out there who just want to marry a man that faithfully commits she isn’t one of them? Really? I’d take vanilla sex over this any day

But you’re not pleasing her. You have fairly vanilla sex, she’s clearly wanting more, but you shut down things she asks for. All the while you’re going on about being adventurous and how that should be enough for her. She brought up a possible solution. It doesn’t sound like she’s seeing anyone else already. It doesn’t have to be a big deal unless you make it a big deal. Clearly you’re insecure and will create a problem though. She isn’t excited by vanilla sex and asked to spice it up. Tell her no, she can’t have spice. Then she can decide whether an intact marriage or spice is more important.

Does she know you snooped and read all her texts and emails?

How many times have people on dcum said to have this conversation with their partners? If you aren’t fulfilled, don’t have an affair. Instead tell your spouse you want an open marriage if your needs aren’t being met. That’s what she tried to do and now her DH is jumping to her having affairs. This is why most people cheat instead. If you’re going to get the grief of screwing around, you might as well get the fun of it too.

You have kids so make it work. Talk with her.

By it, I mean your marriage, whatever permutation it may fall into.

My ex brought up this same conversation with me. She was already sleeping with someone else.

Bang anything you can... Lucky SOB

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again

I don’t think she’s actively pursuing anyone from what I can tell (checking texts, messages, emails, phone bill) but I can’t know if that means she does or doesn’t have someone in mind. I also don’t buy into this hippie new age stuff as someone put it that open marriages or polyamory or whatever you wanna call it is normal or acceptable. At this point I’m just mad. Of all the women out there who just want to marry a man that faithfully commits she isn’t one of them? Really? I’d take vanilla sex over this any day

Tell this to your wife. Seriously. Talk about how you feel. You don’t want to do this, you’re hurt and upset that she does. Work past it together.

+1. Also, you might feel differently in 5 or 10 or 15 years. As I was getting ready to turn 40 I had a lot of nostalgia for my teen years and all the “newness” And vitality of life at that age. You might feel differently about the possibility of these kinds of new experiences in 8-10 years, especially if you feel more secure in your marriage knowing your wife was able to prioritize you and the relationship over this thing she wanted to do for a long time.

This, totally

The idea of an open marriage sounded scary early in my marriage and now after 15 years of marriage, the idea of sleeping with only my bored wife is suffocating. Would love to open up now and no I don't care if she could find a partner easier, I will do fine myself

That’s the problem with getting married so young.

Hang up your spurs cowboy, it’s over.
Go through whatever you feel the nexts stages should be but your ship just plowed into the rocks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again

I don’t think she’s actively pursuing anyone from what I can tell (checking texts, messages, emails, phone bill) but I can’t know if that means she does or doesn’t have someone in mind. I also don’t buy into this hippie new age stuff as someone put it that open marriages or polyamory or whatever you wanna call it is normal or acceptable. At this point I’m just mad. Of all the women out there who just want to marry a man that faithfully commits she isn’t one of them? Really? I’d take vanilla sex over this any day

Tell this to your wife. Seriously. Talk about how you feel. You don’t want to do this, you’re hurt and upset that she does. Work past it together.

+1. Also, you might feel differently in 5 or 10 or 15 years. As I was getting ready to turn 40 I had a lot of nostalgia for my teen years and all the “newness” And vitality of life at that age. You might feel differently about the possibility of these kinds of new experiences in 8-10 years, especially if you feel more secure in your marriage knowing your wife was able to prioritize you and the relationship over this thing she wanted to do for a long time.

Anonymous wrote:Op again

I don’t think she’s actively pursuing anyone from what I can tell (checking texts, messages, emails, phone bill) but I can’t know if that means she does or doesn’t have someone in mind. I also don’t buy into this hippie new age stuff as someone put it that open marriages or polyamory or whatever you wanna call it is normal or acceptable. At this point I’m just mad. Of all the women out there who just want to marry a man that faithfully commits she isn’t one of them? Really? I’d take vanilla sex over this any day

Tell this to your wife. Seriously. Talk about how you feel. You don’t want to do this, you’re hurt and upset that she does. Work past it together.

Anonymous wrote:Op again

I don’t think she’s actively pursuing anyone from what I can tell (checking texts, messages, emails, phone bill) but I can’t know if that means she does or doesn’t have someone in mind. I also don’t buy into this hippie new age stuff as someone put it that open marriages or polyamory or whatever you wanna call it is normal or acceptable. At this point I’m just mad. Of all the women out there who just want to marry a man that faithfully commits she isn’t one of them? Really? I’d take vanilla sex over this any day

You chose the kinky fun lady and this came with the package. Sorry. There are so many vanilla women out there it is not even funny. YOU chose your partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I thought so to so I checked our phone records and went through her texts, e-mails, and messages on facebook. Yeah, I know, it’s bad to snoop through your spouse’s stuff but she’s never given me cause before. I didn’t find anything other than her and her friend (the female of the couple we’re friends with) discussing open marriage. I read the whole conversation and she discussed a fear of lifelong monogamy and being bored. I was taken back by this because my wife and I have pretty freaky sex (anal, light bdsm, etc.) so why does she need “more?” I’ve learned she’s more wild then she let on when we first married at 22 and it’s been manageable for the most part, though I was a little weirded out the first time she asked me to choke her in bed. This just goes to far though:

This is happening because you made friends with people who engage in this behavior. Peer pressure is a real thing. You are who you make friends with. Etc etc.

Make wiser choices next time.

Take a break from seeing theses friends.

Honestly, I don’t know anyone who does this and it would weird me out to talk to my friends about sleeping around. Consentual or not, this is something I have zero interest in doing. How does this even come up among friends? Yuck.

People that swing will bring it up in general conversation, I'd guess to see if there are any takers

And yes I find other women attractive and look at porn from time to time. But my wife is hot and the sex is good so why would I want it from anyone else?