Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell you what we do even though neither me nor my ex-DH come from divorce.

(1) Family events. We still occasionally do things together whether it's dinner, pool, hike, farm, etc. in addition to the regular birthday parties and special events. When I have the kids, I'll also do stuff with his family even if he is not there as we get along very well.

(2) We are very cordial and never speak negatively about or to the other in front of the kids.

(3) Free flow of "stuff' to each others' houses (e.g., things that came from him like clothes or toys do not have to stay at his house and vice versa)

(4) 50-50 custody with room for changes. Respect for the other's time. If I have to travel for work, he takes the kids, and vice versa. If he wants to go on a vacation, no problem, and vice versa. We give each other that space and opportunity.

(5) No introducing significant others to the kids without approval / meeting the other parent.

NP here. I am just contemplating divorce, and it sounds like you are doing a lot of things right. But to be honest, right now I feel like if my husband and I could do all of this, we wouldn’t be getting divorced. How did you get to this place? How long did it take?

PP who wrote the above here. In my particular situation, he had an affair. Call it a midlife crisis. He refused couples therapy, made an immediate decision, and just honestly announced it one day. I would have stayed together so it was not at all my choice. There wasn't arguing/fighting or anything noticeably "wrong" from my point of view. There were things I'd change and challenges, like anyone, but I was blindsided.

So, it really was about both of us deciding to put our kids first. I couldn't hold on to anger or resentment because then I'd just be miserable each time we had to see each other. This transition was pretty much immediate, but it became easier for me over time. I think it was easy for him off the bat honestly because it was his decision to divorce. One thing we are very careful of, and were right away, is to be very respectful during the negotiation process. We negotiated between ourselves on terms and then had lawyers to just review the documentation and make sure our rights were protected. By starting on that positive note, given the dismal circumstances, it laid the groundwork for a new relationship going forward.

Agree that sharing events without stress is key.

My parents really did so little right, but the one thing I appreciate is that my mom (she had sole custody) didn't jump into a new relationship and really not one at all until we were older teens. It may not seem fair to say don't be in a relationship, but it showed my brother and I that we were most important to her. Where my father was in relationship after relationship and we were definitely on the back burner as far as he was concerned. He had time for us when he was between girlfriends, and then we were dumped when he found someone new.

As for ruining your kids as that book implies, even if not an amicable divorce, that wasn't what I saw with my friends who had divorced parents. We're honestly all well-adjusted adults who didn't have issues growing up. On the other hand, my DH's parents could barely tolerate each other, but stayed married. And those are some screwed up siblings.

Best thing they did was never utter one bad thing to us about each other. Both fully involved and always there for us. We never knew if or who they were dating. They were better parents divorced, that's for sure.

Nothing right. I prayed often that my mom would leave as a child. They divorced by freshman year of college. So annoying.

There are some great apps available that will help. Here are the three most popular:

- ProperComm

- Our Family Wizard

- CoParenter

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My idea of a good divorce is Gweyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin.

I love that they live next to each other, have meals together, Chris teaches his kids music, Brad Falchuk lives in a house next to Gweyneth and when his kids visit him, he lives with them in the house next doors.

No one wants their divorced parents to have more kids. This is the suckiest thing you can do.

Well, I will agree to disagree. I wanted a sister or brother so bad, and when my parents divorced, I thought, well there goes that. Both of my parents remarried and had kids....I am their big sister and they all come to me for advice, etc. We don't even talk about being half anything. I couldn't imagine not having them in my life. Now, it helped that the people my parents married are also amazing people and always treated me as their own too.

This. As much as it makes me fairly ill to think of, I think it would be great for my DS to have some half-sibs. I have half-sibs and step-sibs, and they are the only good thing to come out of the ginormous mess of our parents' remarriages.

Anonymous wrote:My idea of a good divorce is Gweyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin.

I love that they live next to each other, have meals together, Chris teaches his kids music, Brad Falchuk lives in a house next to Gweyneth and when his kids visit him, he lives with them in the house next doors.

No one wants their divorced parents to have more kids. This is the suckiest thing you can do.

Well, I will agree to disagree. I wanted a sister or brother so bad, and when my parents divorced, I thought, well there goes that. Both of my parents remarried and had kids....I am their big sister and they all come to me for advice, etc. We don't even talk about being half anything. I couldn't imagine not having them in my life. Now, it helped that the people my parents married are also amazing people and always treated me as their own too.

Anonymous wrote:I am about to move out. We have agreed to 50/50 custody, and it was a low-conflict split. Right now we communicate reasonably well about kid needs and kid logistics (is there any software that can help with this?). We are going to keep the kid's lives as stable as we can; yes, they will go back and forth between houses, but they will keep the same schools and extracurricular activities.

But what else should we be thinking about?

If your parents had a reasonably low-conflict divorce, what did they do to smooth things out for you?

Never, ever, under any circumstances, say bad things about each other to your children because they love both of you.

Anonymous wrote:I can tell you what we do even though neither me nor my ex-DH come from divorce.

(1) Family events. We still occasionally do things together whether it's dinner, pool, hike, farm, etc. in addition to the regular birthday parties and special events. When I have the kids, I'll also do stuff with his family even if he is not there as we get along very well.

(2) We are very cordial and never speak negatively about or to the other in front of the kids.

(3) Free flow of "stuff' to each others' houses (e.g., things that came from him like clothes or toys do not have to stay at his house and vice versa)

(4) 50-50 custody with room for changes. Respect for the other's time. If I have to travel for work, he takes the kids, and vice versa. If he wants to go on a vacation, no problem, and vice versa. We give each other that space and opportunity.

(5) No introducing significant others to the kids without approval / meeting the other parent.

NP here. I am just contemplating divorce, and it sounds like you are doing a lot of things right. But to be honest, right now I feel like if my husband and I could do all of this, we wouldn’t be getting divorced. How did you get to this place? How long did it take?