Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

You've got to take care of you first. Think of everyone that is relying on you. Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things. The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well. Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason. But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good. Do what you can. if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids at 45 and they are in elementary school. My father died this year and my mother, while still living on her own and in good mental health, has been dealing with very serious cancer - so the clock is ticking loudly down to the next crisis.

I worry about what my kids will be saddled with, and I realize that worrying about that is a fairly pointless use of energy.

I work hard at being and staying healthy. My husband and I work hard to ensure we will be very well off in retirement. I will buy long term care insurance. I plan to move to a location with stepped up care options BEFORE i need such things. (And I desperately hope the options for that improve in the next 10-15 years.) I will talk with my kids about always putting the next generation first, if they end up having to make decisions about caring for me versus caring for my grandchildren.

I will do what I can to reduce the burden on them by ensuring there are ample financial reserves, I don't resist accepting help, and I let them know how I expect to be prioritized. And I have been and remain focused on doing everything I can to position my kids to be well-rounded people, with good/pragmatic heads on their shoulders, who know how to think about and have difficult conversations around illness, dying, etc...

I'll do my best and hope for the best and hope that my kids will have rich, full lives, in which I play an active healthy role for as long as possible, and then as manageable a strain at the end as possible.

I figure that's about all I can do.

The part highlighted sounds wonderful and my mom said the same thing until she needed me. Now with age her empathy has declined and she is offended that the grandchildren come first. The problem is cognitive issues can change our personalities so we become quite nasty and demanding with out adult kids.

We should all write down our wishes now to instruct our older selves.

This.

Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

So, for those of us who are in our sixties, caring for our parents..getting on to 10 years now, would you have us just kill ourselves at the first sign of faltering- such as a fall or a cancer dx?

Pretty sure you will not be up for helping us out as apparently you are owed a life between uour empty nest and some other age. It never occured to me that I was owed something.

It's called life. Life.

Anonymous wrote:When my youngest is in their 50s, I will hopefully have made it to my 90’s. I guess I rationalize it by knowing that they (my kids) will not be in their 70s trying to navigate my elder care if needed and will be free from that burden by the time they have to worry about their own care

Yes, this was my DH's family. The elders lived into their 90s so their kids never got to enjoy a retirement. They retired into 24-7 elder care givers.

The bottom line is that we can't control when or why our lives will become difficult. Anything can happen at any time. OP, you have dealt with dementia, but others are going to have parents die of other things and never need their care. Some will have tragedies earlier in life than you did. You can't try to plan for the perfect life.

My parents were in their late 30s / early 40s when they had me, their only child. My in-laws, about 12 years younger than my parents. Due to some issues with infertility, my DH and I did not start our family until our mid to late 30s.

We made the decision early on that we wanted to be a family that could survive on one income. My DH had a steady government job, not the most lucrative early on, but dependable and enough to pay our bills - we chose to live quite a bit poorer than our contemporaries. My job paid considerably less and we considered that income "not to be counted on". When it came time to buy a home, we purchased a modest one based on one income alone, in case I needed to stop working. Which I did. This decision did help tremendously when our elderly parents were in need of help.

My father became terminally ill only a few years after I married. I was 25, stopped working for nine months, and became - with my mom - the primary caregiver for my dad. If I had had small children at home, it would have been much more difficult. But being able to function as a one income family made the decision to help care for my father a lot easier. I realize that many families do not have that option, but it was a blessing for us. My dad passed away when I was 25, and I was responsible for most of the "arrangements" in seeing that through. In some ways it was very difficult, and felt overwhelming, as I had no siblings to ask for help in all of it. In other ways, it was easier, as I was the sole person making the decisions (along with my mom and according to her wishes, of course). I went back to work after my dad passed and I felt that my mom, who was in her mid 60s, was able to live alone.

My mom developed dementia when I was in my mid thirties, and eventually moved in with us while I had small children at home. She passed away when I was 38. By that point in my life, I had arranged the care and funerals of my father, grandmother and finally my mother. I grew up in a family with a considerably large "older generation" so this was something I had seen time and again - older aunts and uncles becoming ill, infirm, needing care either at home or in a facility. Yes, it was difficult, but we managed. I learned a lot about coordinating care with doctor's offices, hospitals, insurance companies, home health care, etc. at a relatively early age.

Now we are in our mid 50s and my husband is having to deal with the decline in health of his own parents, who are in their early 80s. Our children are in HS / college and relatively self sufficient, and I have the ability to alter my schedule as needed. I have one in law now dealing with terminal cancer and another who will probably not be able to live alone for very long should her spouse pass away. I have been through these hoops before, while this is rather new to my DH, who has not lost anyone in his close family and is having a hard time emotionally. Looking back, while I WISH that I had had many more years with my parents, who were wonderful people, dealing with their passing help me to learn to take on more responsibilities. Yes, it was hard, but frankly, I think it is harder being in your 60s when you are slowing down and less physically strong to provide care for an older person than when you are in your 20s and 30s.

Some people have a very hard time confronting aging and our eventual passing on. Let me tell you, handling my father's medical bills, insurance policies, health insurance, hospice care, funeral arrangements, etc at age 25 was eye opening. I do not want my children to have to go through all that blindly. Right after my dad passed, I made the decision with my mom that we would handle all funeral details for her and my grandmother ahead of time through a pre-paid arrangement with the local funeral home. It was a huge burden lifted knowing that was done, and I would do it for myself and my husband in a heartbeat, but my DH "does not want to deal with that yet". It is a lot harder having to handle those things "in the moment", believe me. In the end, I do not regret having older parents, and I don't regret BEING an older parent - but I do want to do all I can to alleviate the burden of elder care from my own children as much as possible. All of us will have to deal with that at some point - the more proactive you can be ahead of time, the better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids at 45 and they are in elementary school. My father died this year and my mother, while still living on her own and in good mental health, has been dealing with very serious cancer - so the clock is ticking loudly down to the next crisis.

I worry about what my kids will be saddled with, and I realize that worrying about that is a fairly pointless use of energy.

I work hard at being and staying healthy. My husband and I work hard to ensure we will be very well off in retirement. I will buy long term care insurance. I plan to move to a location with stepped up care options BEFORE i need such things. (And I desperately hope the options for that improve in the next 10-15 years.) I will talk with my kids about always putting the next generation first, if they end up having to make decisions about caring for me versus caring for my grandchildren.

I will do what I can to reduce the burden on them by ensuring there are ample financial reserves, I don't resist accepting help, and I let them know how I expect to be prioritized. And I have been and remain focused on doing everything I can to position my kids to be well-rounded people, with good/pragmatic heads on their shoulders, who know how to think about and have difficult conversations around illness, dying, etc...

I'll do my best and hope for the best and hope that my kids will have rich, full lives, in which I play an active healthy role for as long as possible, and then as manageable a strain at the end as possible.

I figure that's about all I can do.

The part highlighted sounds wonderful and my mom said the same thing until she needed me. Now with age her empathy has declined and she is offended that the grandchildren come first. The problem is cognitive issues can change our personalities so we become quite nasty and demanding with out adult kids.

We should all write down our wishes now to instruct our older selves.

You could and sign it, but the problem is also they don't understand how demanding they are. If you asked my elderly parent the requests would be seen as small and no big deal. Part of what makes them a bigger deal is dealing with tantrums that just exhaust me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids at 45 and they are in elementary school. My father died this year and my mother, while still living on her own and in good mental health, has been dealing with very serious cancer - so the clock is ticking loudly down to the next crisis.

I worry about what my kids will be saddled with, and I realize that worrying about that is a fairly pointless use of energy.

I work hard at being and staying healthy. My husband and I work hard to ensure we will be very well off in retirement. I will buy long term care insurance. I plan to move to a location with stepped up care options BEFORE i need such things. (And I desperately hope the options for that improve in the next 10-15 years.) I will talk with my kids about always putting the next generation first, if they end up having to make decisions about caring for me versus caring for my grandchildren.

I will do what I can to reduce the burden on them by ensuring there are ample financial reserves, I don't resist accepting help, and I let them know how I expect to be prioritized. And I have been and remain focused on doing everything I can to position my kids to be well-rounded people, with good/pragmatic heads on their shoulders, who know how to think about and have difficult conversations around illness, dying, etc...

I'll do my best and hope for the best and hope that my kids will have rich, full lives, in which I play an active healthy role for as long as possible, and then as manageable a strain at the end as possible.

I figure that's about all I can do.

The part highlighted sounds wonderful and my mom said the same thing until she needed me. Now with age her empathy has declined and she is offended that the grandchildren come first. The problem is cognitive issues can change our personalities so we become quite nasty and demanding with out adult kids.

We should all write down our wishes now to instruct our older selves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a correlation between the gene that allows long fertility (older natural pregnancy) and the gene linked to longevity.

My mom has me in her mid 40s as a “whoops” baby. She’s in her 90s and basically fine health-wise. Her mom had her in her 30’s as a first baby, and she had no dementia at all until well past 100. So genetics plays a role.

Your reference to "the gene" is nonsense. Nobody has identified such gene(s). The rest is far from settled although there are indications that having a few children is better for women's longevity than none or many children.

Grandma had 7, last at 42. Is alive at 97. Go figure. My Mom, her daughter, died at 72 quick cancer. It’s a crapshoot.

Here's one of the studies, although there are several more that can be easily found online. My family members were involved in one of the earliest big studies regarding super-longevity and that correlation was one of their notable findings, so I have followed the research that grew out of it a bit. They haven't identified a specific gene, but there's a strong correlation found in multiple studies and the hypothesis is that there is a gene or combination of genes that basically slows the aging process resulting in longer fertility as well as delayed dementia and longer life. I agree with PP that cancer is a total wildcard, though. The relative that was involved in the study had a mother who died at 80 due to breast cancer (before it was really treated) -- without the breast cancer, maybe she would have lived to be 100, like her mother and her daughters.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4270889/

NP. I'm familiar with this research. I think it is important to point out that, historically, women who were getting and staying pregnant in their 40s were doing so without any artificial reproductive technology. They got pregnant on their own, and they stayed pregnant on their own. So yeah, for those women, this probably was true.

Today, it is a very different story. Science allows many of us to have children far later than we otherwise would have. In other words, you're going to have a lot of older parents walking around who don't have whatever mystery gene there might be that will help with their longevity.

IVF does not help with age that much. when egg quality is an issue (age) IVF is powerless.

We're in the middle of it with our mom's in dementia care. It basically means draining all financial resources and landing in a Medicaid facility. Not the worst outcome. Just a kind of wry reminder that saving for your old age and taking care of yourself might not make much difference after all if you've got a gene mix like ours. So much damn paperwork!

I'm 30 something...just paid for my dad's funeral after his long battle with cancer that started in my 20s. I have a toddler.

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids at 45 and they are in elementary school. My father died this year and my mother, while still living on her own and in good mental health, has been dealing with very serious cancer - so the clock is ticking loudly down to the next crisis.

I worry about what my kids will be saddled with, and I realize that worrying about that is a fairly pointless use of energy.

I work hard at being and staying healthy. My husband and I work hard to ensure we will be very well off in retirement. I will buy long term care insurance. I plan to move to a location with stepped up care options BEFORE i need such things. (And I desperately hope the options for that improve in the next 10-15 years.) I will talk with my kids about always putting the next generation first, if they end up having to make decisions about caring for me versus caring for my grandchildren.

I will do what I can to reduce the burden on them by ensuring there are ample financial reserves, I don't resist accepting help, and I let them know how I expect to be prioritized. And I have been and remain focused on doing everything I can to position my kids to be well-rounded people, with good/pragmatic heads on their shoulders, who know how to think about and have difficult conversations around illness, dying, etc...

I'll do my best and hope for the best and hope that my kids will have rich, full lives, in which I play an active healthy role for as long as possible, and then as manageable a strain at the end as possible.

I figure that's about all I can do.

The part highlighted sounds wonderful and my mom said the same thing until she needed me. Now with age her empathy has declined and she is offended that the grandchildren come first. The problem is cognitive issues can change our personalities so we become quite nasty and demanding with out adult kids.

I had my kids at 45 and they are in elementary school. My father died this year and my mother, while still living on her own and in good mental health, has been dealing with very serious cancer - so the clock is ticking loudly down to the next crisis.

I worry about what my kids will be saddled with, and I realize that worrying about that is a fairly pointless use of energy.

I work hard at being and staying healthy. My husband and I work hard to ensure we will be very well off in retirement. I will buy long term care insurance. I plan to move to a location with stepped up care options BEFORE i need such things. (And I desperately hope the options for that improve in the next 10-15 years.) I will talk with my kids about always putting the next generation first, if they end up having to make decisions about caring for me versus caring for my grandchildren.

I will do what I can to reduce the burden on them by ensuring there are ample financial reserves, I don't resist accepting help, and I let them know how I expect to be prioritized. And I have been and remain focused on doing everything I can to position my kids to be well-rounded people, with good/pragmatic heads on their shoulders, who know how to think about and have difficult conversations around illness, dying, etc...

I'll do my best and hope for the best and hope that my kids will have rich, full lives, in which I play an active healthy role for as long as possible, and then as manageable a strain at the end as possible.

I figure that's about all I can do.

Anonymous wrote:I’m right in the middle of the sandwich and I’m extremely worried about this. I’m 45, with a 5 year old child, and a 75 year old mom with health issues (79 year old dad is acting as the main caregiver). My mom had to deal with the same issues when she was in her 30s and 40s, while I was young (my grandmother was 30 when my mom was born), due to her dad’s dementia which started in his 60s. I’m adding an additional ten year gap compared to the prior generations so I”m really worried about what my child will have to deal with as I age.

This has actually motivated me to try one of those dna kits to see if I am predisposed to any diseases, and I’m inclined to start following a Mediterranean diet linked to reduced risk of dementia. I would love to exercise regularly and make other health related changes but the demands of work paired with the sandwich situation take up all my time. And I”m inclined to start a separate savings/investment account, independent of my 401k, designated for these types of future health issues. One saving grace is that my parents are not (yet) in need of financial help, and i don’t ever want my daughter to have to bear a financial burden for my care.

Depending on the DNA kit it may not have all the tests. The one I did tested for I think either early or late onset Alz. Mediterranean diet is a good idea, so is eliminating sugar which has been linked with cancer, Alzheimers and inflammation in general. Exercise is key too and even just 5-10 minutes using you tube in your living room or lifting weights is worth it. It does not have to be an hour at a fancy gym. Work in what you can. That said my parents did all the right things and here we are. I honestly wish they put anti-anxiety meds in the drinking water of difficult elderly people. Even if they wouldn't drink it, I would and then maybe I could stand all the drama and outbursts.

This is going to sound extreme and I doubt it will ever happen in our country, but I wish we had the option of assisted suicide the way they do in other countries. i plan to track my cognition, scale down all my stuff and take my kids to therapy to explain my decision and make it all about me and not let them know I don't want them to ever know the living hell that is abusive elderly parents that need you. I honestly hope my husband will get on board too. Then i want to fly off and peacefully go on my terms in a country to allows it. I want my savings to go toward enjoying life and a safety net for my kids. Meds, therapy, money, friends and support groups help, but day after day dealing with someone who has made you the scapegoat of their misery and watching them fade into a helpless, yet still angry and completely dependent being is hard enough at my age. It would have done me in at a younger age. I think we need as a country to focus more on quality of life and stop trying to extend life if we cannot extend with quality.