Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again: thanks O - are there any other insights to share or red flags you saw in attrition to the divorce threats? My DH often gives me the silent treatment but pretends things are ok, then when u try to talk to him about something like childcare or travel he won’t talk, and when I ask him to make a suggestion, he accuses me of always “steamrolling” him - it’s like I ask him what he wants, he says he doesn’t care, so I am forced to make a decision and he later calls it steamrolling. Does any of that sound familiar? I guess it is classic passive agfeessive behavior?

Not OP, but I could have written everything you did. I'm trying to make things work at least for the short-term because we're not in a great place financially. Now that DC is older, I'm focusing on my career and trying to work my way out of this mess. I agree it's passive aggressive behavior. I would add to the list: lying about inconsequential (and later consequential/EA) things, not willing to "share" money (discussing anything financial is a nightmare), has never apologized for anything, and something it took me a weirdly long time to recognize is that he never compliments me on anything. I don't ask him for input on things to the extent possible. If I plan something to do with DC (even taking a trip), I'll say, DC and I are doing X on Y, do you want to come with us, and leave it at that.

PP here: what do you think motivates someone to be passive aggressive like this and without empathy? I am PP and I am an empath and am constantly wondering if my DH is narcissistic. I just wonder how someone can live without empathy toward their wife. Literally for me - whether it is my mom dying, a miscarriage, if I am emotional about it my DH threatens to divorce and says he is not sure if he can be with someone with “mental health issues.”

Classic narcissist. My spouse has used the exact same words with me. When I was pregnant. Worried about a relatives health. Even worries about the children.

So how do you cope/deal? I get Kuller into forgetting my DH is a narcissist and then it becomes apparent. He can be intermittently charming. And living and then he just says awful things out of nowhere like I want a divorce - or once when he wa upset even that I’m “giving him bad customer service as a wife.” You just can’t make this stuff up! Weirdly, he also hates my hobbies but says I am not accepting of his. Strange and not true and suck a minded-k for me.

PP, I hope you can find the humor in the bolded! It really is unbelievable that anyone could say such a thing. I myself would not have been able to keep myself from busting out laughing if any man said that to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why we have to be so black and white with things. There are probably major stressors that are causing this type of language and a serious communication barrier impeding effective and healthy discussions. I don’t think that failure means one needs to throw a ten-year life together away...maybe try intensive therapy together and see where it goes. If all is exhausted, then sure...but that’s the problem with America...everything is so drive through and marriages and divorces are all expected to be quick fixes.

OP here: it would be one thing if we had ever been happy. I ignored red flags, almost cancelled the wedding, and almost left at the first divorce threat. It has not ever been “a life together”—it has not been a shared life. We have had separate lives the entire time. “Trying to work it out” has wasted 10 years. This is an instance in which the marriage has always been a mistake and we should have admitted the mistake within the first year and gotten out immediately. There has been no joy...only misery. This is not lack of trying...that trying has wasted our time. People should understand that they are couples who truly should not have married in the first place.

Me again--I hear you. I am sorry that this was the case. You are getting back your life then...so, good for you! Let me know if you end up needing to mediate.

NP. OP, just wanted to say that I was you 11 years ago. I knew it was a mistake, I was ignorant about red flags, I didn’t have (or listen to) good counsel, and regretted marriage months in. I remember joking that the honeymoon phase never happened so maybe after the 1st year of hell the marriage would be bliss. No. It got worse. As I healed from my personal issues, he and I lost our common wound (effed up childhood) in common. He didn’t want to build something new - I was asking him to do a work he had never done on himself, on our marriage. And he had never seen anyone do that type of work for him either. So we divorced. It was messy. He was angry, and vindictive, and is very salty years later. But there was pure peace (and eventually LOVE on the other side IV everything! So I know it’s tough, I’ve been where you are, the grey murkiness seems to drudge on forever, but don’t fear anything, ever. I could have written your update above. when you know it’s time to go, prepare. But also don’t expect him to have the same attitude: I was accused of everything I didn’t do: lie, cheat, abandon, deceive, unfaithfulness, breaking family, etc. he didn’t talk to his child for over a month at one point, never called. He never paid support or medical or educational or childcare or birthday Christmas — NOTHING. I was blown back by all of the anger that was directed at me when I left. Even still he couldn’t work through it — he hadn’t built the habits or his tool kit to respect the time. I say all this to say - do what’s best for you and don’t let anyone ever get in the way of your ability to laugh and smile and feel love.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again: thanks O - are there any other insights to share or red flags you saw in attrition to the divorce threats? My DH often gives me the silent treatment but pretends things are ok, then when u try to talk to him about something like childcare or travel he won’t talk, and when I ask him to make a suggestion, he accuses me of always “steamrolling” him - it’s like I ask him what he wants, he says he doesn’t care, so I am forced to make a decision and he later calls it steamrolling. Does any of that sound familiar? I guess it is classic passive agfeessive behavior?

Not OP, but I could have written everything you did. I'm trying to make things work at least for the short-term because we're not in a great place financially. Now that DC is older, I'm focusing on my career and trying to work my way out of this mess. I agree it's passive aggressive behavior. I would add to the list: lying about inconsequential (and later consequential/EA) things, not willing to "share" money (discussing anything financial is a nightmare), has never apologized for anything, and something it took me a weirdly long time to recognize is that he never compliments me on anything. I don't ask him for input on things to the extent possible. If I plan something to do with DC (even taking a trip), I'll say, DC and I are doing X on Y, do you want to come with us, and leave it at that.

PP here: what do you think motivates someone to be passive aggressive like this and without empathy? I am PP and I am an empath and am constantly wondering if my DH is narcissistic. I just wonder how someone can live without empathy toward their wife. Literally for me - whether it is my mom dying, a miscarriage, if I am emotional about it my DH threatens to divorce and says he is not sure if he can be with someone with “mental health issues.”

Classic narcissist. My spouse has used the exact same words with me. When I was pregnant. Worried about a relatives health. Even worries about the children.

So how do you cope/deal? I get Kuller into forgetting my DH is a narcissist and then it becomes apparent. He can be intermittently charming. And living and then he just says awful things out of nowhere like I want a divorce - or once when he wa upset even that I’m “giving him bad customer service as a wife.” You just can’t make this stuff up! Weirdly, he also hates my hobbies but says I am not accepting of his. Strange and not true and suck a minded-k for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again: thanks O - are there any other insights to share or red flags you saw in attrition to the divorce threats? My DH often gives me the silent treatment but pretends things are ok, then when u try to talk to him about something like childcare or travel he won’t talk, and when I ask him to make a suggestion, he accuses me of always “steamrolling” him - it’s like I ask him what he wants, he says he doesn’t care, so I am forced to make a decision and he later calls it steamrolling. Does any of that sound familiar? I guess it is classic passive agfeessive behavior?

Not OP, but I could have written everything you did. I'm trying to make things work at least for the short-term because we're not in a great place financially. Now that DC is older, I'm focusing on my career and trying to work my way out of this mess. I agree it's passive aggressive behavior. I would add to the list: lying about inconsequential (and later consequential/EA) things, not willing to "share" money (discussing anything financial is a nightmare), has never apologized for anything, and something it took me a weirdly long time to recognize is that he never compliments me on anything. I don't ask him for input on things to the extent possible. If I plan something to do with DC (even taking a trip), I'll say, DC and I are doing X on Y, do you want to come with us, and leave it at that.

PP here: what do you think motivates someone to be passive aggressive like this and without empathy? I am PP and I am an empath and am constantly wondering if my DH is narcissistic. I just wonder how someone can live without empathy toward their wife. Literally for me - whether it is my mom dying, a miscarriage, if I am emotional about it my DH threatens to divorce and says he is not sure if he can be with someone with “mental health issues.”

Classic narcissist. My spouse has used the exact same words with me. When I was pregnant. Worried about a relatives health. Even worries about the children.

I too get divorce threats. Whenever there is as issue she wants me to fix - yet she won’t help even when she caused it

Anonymous wrote:I received several hundred threats of divorce over the course of a 20 year marriage. Now I am healthier, and would never accept even one threat like that in a relationship.

I can see this in my future. I'm on my 4th year of marriage, he is abusive in a myriad of ways not limited to threats of divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why we have to be so black and white with things. There are probably major stressors that are causing this type of language and a serious communication barrier impeding effective and healthy discussions. I don’t think that failure means one needs to throw a ten-year life together away...maybe try intensive therapy together and see where it goes. If all is exhausted, then sure...but that’s the problem with America...everything is so drive through and marriages and divorces are all expected to be quick fixes.

OP here: it would be one thing if we had ever been happy. I ignored red flags, almost cancelled the wedding, and almost left at the first divorce threat. It has not ever been “a life together”—it has not been a shared life. We have had separate lives the entire time. “Trying to work it out” has wasted 10 years. This is an instance in which the marriage has always been a mistake and we should have admitted the mistake within the first year and gotten out immediately. There has been no joy...only misery. This is not lack of trying...that trying has wasted our time. People should understand that they are couples who truly should not have married in the first place.

Me again--I hear you. I am sorry that this was the case. You are getting back your life then...so, good for you! Let me know if you end up needing to mediate.

Op here: we mediated ourselves and walked in with everything decided expect a few things. Way easier than getting myself to go through with the wedding in the first place.

Anonymous wrote:PP again: thanks O - are there any other insights to share or red flags you saw in attrition to the divorce threats? My DH often gives me the silent treatment but pretends things are ok, then when u try to talk to him about something like childcare or travel he won’t talk, and when I ask him to make a suggestion, he accuses me of always “steamrolling” him - it’s like I ask him what he wants, he says he doesn’t care, so I am forced to make a decision and he later calls it steamrolling. Does any of that sound familiar? I guess it is classic passive agfeessive behavior?

OP here: Yes. Silent treatment familiar. Different pattern—if I disagreed on anything, he would refuse to discuss it so he got his way on every decision. Then when I was upset, he would blame me for being “indecisive” or “weak.” I was not indecisive or weak—he literally refused to consider my opinion on everything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why we have to be so black and white with things. There are probably major stressors that are causing this type of language and a serious communication barrier impeding effective and healthy discussions. I don’t think that failure means one needs to throw a ten-year life together away...maybe try intensive therapy together and see where it goes. If all is exhausted, then sure...but that’s the problem with America...everything is so drive through and marriages and divorces are all expected to be quick fixes.

OP here: it would be one thing if we had ever been happy. I ignored red flags, almost cancelled the wedding, and almost left at the first divorce threat. It has not ever been “a life together”—it has not been a shared life. We have had separate lives the entire time. “Trying to work it out” has wasted 10 years. This is an instance in which the marriage has always been a mistake and we should have admitted the mistake within the first year and gotten out immediately. There has been no joy...only misery. This is not lack of trying...that trying has wasted our time. People should understand that they are couples who truly should not have married in the first place.

Me again--I hear you. I am sorry that this was the case. You are getting back your life then...so, good for you! Let me know if you end up needing to mediate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again: thanks O - are there any other insights to share or red flags you saw in attrition to the divorce threats? My DH often gives me the silent treatment but pretends things are ok, then when u try to talk to him about something like childcare or travel he won’t talk, and when I ask him to make a suggestion, he accuses me of always “steamrolling” him - it’s like I ask him what he wants, he says he doesn’t care, so I am forced to make a decision and he later calls it steamrolling. Does any of that sound familiar? I guess it is classic passive agfeessive behavior?

Not OP, but I could have written everything you did. I'm trying to make things work at least for the short-term because we're not in a great place financially. Now that DC is older, I'm focusing on my career and trying to work my way out of this mess. I agree it's passive aggressive behavior. I would add to the list: lying about inconsequential (and later consequential/EA) things, not willing to "share" money (discussing anything financial is a nightmare), has never apologized for anything, and something it took me a weirdly long time to recognize is that he never compliments me on anything. I don't ask him for input on things to the extent possible. If I plan something to do with DC (even taking a trip), I'll say, DC and I are doing X on Y, do you want to come with us, and leave it at that.

PP here: what do you think motivates someone to be passive aggressive like this and without empathy? I am PP and I am an empath and am constantly wondering if my DH is narcissistic. I just wonder how someone can live without empathy toward their wife. Literally for me - whether it is my mom dying, a miscarriage, if I am emotional about it my DH threatens to divorce and says he is not sure if he can be with someone with “mental health issues.”

DH had a crappy childhood (as did I, which is how I think I got here). His whole family is passive aggressive. I think his dad has depression and has always had it. His dad has now been estranged from the family for several years. I don't think they believe they don't have empathy. I think they see the world a certain way and don't believe that anyone would see things any differently. I'm sorry for your losses and that you don't have support from your DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again: thanks O - are there any other insights to share or red flags you saw in attrition to the divorce threats? My DH often gives me the silent treatment but pretends things are ok, then when u try to talk to him about something like childcare or travel he won’t talk, and when I ask him to make a suggestion, he accuses me of always “steamrolling” him - it’s like I ask him what he wants, he says he doesn’t care, so I am forced to make a decision and he later calls it steamrolling. Does any of that sound familiar? I guess it is classic passive agfeessive behavior?

Not OP, but I could have written everything you did. I'm trying to make things work at least for the short-term because we're not in a great place financially. Now that DC is older, I'm focusing on my career and trying to work my way out of this mess. I agree it's passive aggressive behavior. I would add to the list: lying about inconsequential (and later consequential/EA) things, not willing to "share" money (discussing anything financial is a nightmare), has never apologized for anything, and something it took me a weirdly long time to recognize is that he never compliments me on anything. I don't ask him for input on things to the extent possible. If I plan something to do with DC (even taking a trip), I'll say, DC and I are doing X on Y, do you want to come with us, and leave it at that.

PP here: what do you think motivates someone to be passive aggressive like this and without empathy? I am PP and I am an empath and am constantly wondering if my DH is narcissistic. I just wonder how someone can live without empathy toward their wife. Literally for me - whether it is my mom dying, a miscarriage, if I am emotional about it my DH threatens to divorce and says he is not sure if he can be with someone with “mental health issues.”