Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So at what age should an institution of higher education cut the cord for the parents who are too clingy to do it themselves or who were too lax in preparing their child for adulthood?

You don’t think the college should tell parents your 18 yo freshman was popped for drugs or drinking or found passed out in a hallway? What about passed out 3 times? What about rapes? You prefer they control everything—because when they control KIDS they have a track record of doing what’s best for the U, not your kid.

We can send them to war. Whether you like it or not, they are not capital K-I-D-S kids. If you want that dynamic, foster it yourself with your kid. But no, it is not anyone elses responsibility to go to a parent.

Also, one thing you learn in college (as a freshman for me, reporting domestic abuse and rape to the parents of a friend) is....a lot of parents are shit.

Universities can't take on that liability. "We think Larla drank to much and was raped." arents not you: "Well, we always knew she's by a lying whore. Send her home, we'll take care of it."

No. Way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. You will only get this type of notification if your 18+ child is attending a very small private LAC....i.e.,, Roanoke College, St. John's College. Even then, they don't technically have to tell you anything as your child is an adult. However, small private LACs tend to offer a more "TLC"approach.

If the student hasn’t signed a waiver it violates FERPA - a federal law.

Both of our children signed FERPA and HIPPA waivers as conditions of us paying 95% of the freight (didn't qualify for merit; didn't get more than min $5K loan from FAFSA). One is SN. You can't advocate with the Office of Disability Services (ODS) if you don't have a FERPA waiver. We wanted to be notified if either one of our children had a legal or health waiver. HAving those waivers is the only way to get it. Otherwise, you will wind up like a friend who didn't know her own son was flunking out of college until she accidentally tore open a letter from the college sent to the home (because he was supposed to be there - he had already been kicked out for bad grades - she didn't know). It's infuriating but the way Colleges want it to give them more control over situations on campus. It's especially important in the era of me-too and sexual assault allegations being tossed right and left and Colleges generally making a muck of the on-campus legal reviews.

Thanks for this. I have a teen with special needs and am struggling with the idea of letting him go far away without our supervision.

Definitely look for an institution with a strong ODS office. There are a number of books that can help you evaluate that but one quick way is to see how many employees work in the ODS office commpared to total number of students on campus. A lot of colleges make promises about accommodation but fail, especially when dealing with a professor who won't comply with the program set out by ODS. From day one we were involved in one child's meetings (and she was 17 but emotionally 12) with ODS to establish what supports the university would give and what they would not. There were several times when DD's self-advocacy with a professor didn't work and we had to ask for a meeting. Some professors were so rude they wouldn't even listen long enough to hear the "We have a FERPA waiver" before saying "I won't talk to parents" and hanging up. which is where, unfortunately, you have to get ODS involved. So, yes, if you have a SN kids, read up on FERPA waivers. It's very easy to do but you have to be aware of them. The first time I ever encountered one of these issues was when a relative had a DD at an elite SLAC you would know the name of. She just stopped attending classes and flunked first term grades. Her parents, who were paying $60K+ a year were never notified. She was not special needs. So FERPA waivers were an understood rule in our family if we are paying for the education. Also, if my DS has been accused of sexual assault, I want to know immediately so I can hire the best lawyer for him and try to get the mess away from a campus tribunal. Early intervention in something like that is key. Fortunately, that has never come up, but it can.

Look, Op, the bulk of your work is done. Have faith that the values you tried to instill in your kid for the first 18 years of life will stick and that he or she will make good choices. The school won’t - and shouldn’t- keep you informed. Trust the process and your relationship with your kid.

Your legally adult child is not alone. If you have a decent relationship, they will be in touch. If not with you, maybe the other parent. And if not either of you, then maybe other members of your family or close family friends or their own friends - people with an actual personal, human relationship with your child. On the other hand, colleges are large multi-billion dollar organizations with thousands of students and faculty and employees. How are they suppose to know whether a student's distress isn't a result of issues within a family?

Anonymous wrote: I can't imagine my parents thinking the school would call them -- and this was back in 1979!

My huge university didn't keep track of individual students. We were on our own. My parents had my phone number, and numbers of my friends at school.

You are psycho, OP. Totally psycho.

Totally psycho for wanting to know if her teenage child (adult in the eyes of the law - biology and brain development tell you otherwise) is struggling. Said adolescent is in a new situation on their own for the first time ever and at a particularly vulnerable stage of life.


I’m so glad my parents cared for my wellbeing more than some of you sanctimonious b****es

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. You will only get this type of notification if your 18+ child is attending a very small private LAC....i.e.,, Roanoke College, St. John's College. Even then, they don't technically have to tell you anything as your child is an adult. However, small private LACs tend to offer a more "TLC"approach.

If the student hasn’t signed a waiver it violates FERPA - a federal law.

Both of our children signed FERPA and HIPPA waivers as conditions of us paying 95% of the freight (didn't qualify for merit; didn't get more than min $5K loan from FAFSA). One is SN. You can't advocate with the Office of Disability Services (ODS) if you don't have a FERPA waiver. We wanted to be notified if either one of our children had a legal or health waiver. HAving those waivers is the only way to get it. Otherwise, you will wind up like a friend who didn't know her own son was flunking out of college until she accidentally tore open a letter from the college sent to the home (because he was supposed to be there - he had already been kicked out for bad grades - she didn't know). It's infuriating but the way Colleges want it to give them more control over situations on campus. It's especially important in the era of me-too and sexual assault allegations being tossed right and left and Colleges generally making a muck of the on-campus legal reviews.

Thanks for this. I have a teen with special needs and am struggling with the idea of letting him go far away without our supervision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. You will only get this type of notification if your 18+ child is attending a very small private LAC....i.e.,, Roanoke College, St. John's College. Even then, they don't technically have to tell you anything as your child is an adult. However, small private LACs tend to offer a more "TLC"approach.

If the student hasn’t signed a waiver it violates FERPA - a federal law.

Both of our children signed FERPA and HIPPA waivers as conditions of us paying 95% of the freight (didn't qualify for merit; didn't get more than min $5K loan from FAFSA). One is SN. You can't advocate with the Office of Disability Services (ODS) if you don't have a FERPA waiver. We wanted to be notified if either one of our children had a legal or health waiver. HAving those waivers is the only way to get it. Otherwise, you will wind up like a friend who didn't know her own son was flunking out of college until she accidentally tore open a letter from the college sent to the home (because he was supposed to be there - he had already been kicked out for bad grades - she didn't know). It's infuriating but the way Colleges want it to give them more control over situations on campus. It's especially important in the era of me-too and sexual assault allegations being tossed right and left and Colleges generally making a muck of the on-campus legal reviews.

I can't imagine my parents thinking the school would call them -- and this was back in 1979!

My huge university didn't keep track of individual students. We were on our own. My parents had my phone number, and numbers of my friends at school.

You are psycho, OP. Totally psycho.

The school isn't going to call you unless your child is close to death. Figure out a workaround if you must.

Make sure your kid's roommate or a friend has your name and number and knows they can call you if your child is doing something dangerous or is very ill. Exchange phone numbers with your child's roommate's parents (if they will).

FWIW at my DS' liberal arts college, they urge students to call parents themselves when they are ill or struggling. Multiple times. Most students do call, but it is their choice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

If someone had called my parents without my consent, when I was an adult, and told them that I was a victim of sexual assault, I would have sued them. How incredibly violating.

Are you kidding me? If the school HADN'T called my parents then I would have sued the school. My parents are the first people I would have wanted to see if something bad happened to me.

You'd have given your consent then, I'm sure. Because you can't really sue your school for not illegally violating your health information privacy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These straw men comments are really low watt. We’re talking about 18 yo kids, not 25 or 30 yo. Most college sexual assaults are girls 18 and 19. Most dropouts are first or second year. Most hospital visits. It’s the prime age when drug addiction and alcoholism arises.

So what’s the criteria for what gets reported? Is there an age limit? If my sophomore passed out, do I get a call for that? What about senior year? If my daughter is dating a guy that i think is creepy and controlling, do I get a call when she doesn’t sleep in her dorm? What if my kid isn’t showing up for classes? Who is doing the reporting? Help me understand how this all would work.

Don't be ridiculous. There is a big difference between an 18 year old girl being raped and an 18 year old girl not attending class. If you don't understand that then there really isn't anything to discuss.

I would argue that the sexual assault is WAY MORE PRIVATE than the class attendance. I'd be annoyed if my college had told my parents when I skipped class but I'd have been devastated and humiliated if they shared details of my sexual assault without my consent. Like, how dare they?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

If someone had called my parents without my consent, when I was an adult, and told them that I was a victim of sexual assault, I would have sued them. How incredibly violating.

Are you kidding me? If the school HADN'T called my parents then I would have sued the school. My parents are the first people I would have wanted to see if something bad happened to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These straw men comments are really low watt. We’re talking about 18 yo kids, not 25 or 30 yo. Most college sexual assaults are girls 18 and 19. Most dropouts are first or second year. Most hospital visits. It’s the prime age when drug addiction and alcoholism arises.

So what’s the criteria for what gets reported? Is there an age limit? If my sophomore passed out, do I get a call for that? What about senior year? If my daughter is dating a guy that i think is creepy and controlling, do I get a call when she doesn’t sleep in her dorm? What if my kid isn’t showing up for classes? Who is doing the reporting? Help me understand how this all would work.

Don't be ridiculous. There is a big difference between an 18 year old girl being raped and an 18 year old girl not attending class. If you don't understand that then there really isn't anything to discuss.

My son got married when he was almost 20. It really annoyed me that his wife did not call us to let us know how everything was going in their marriage and whether or not he was behaving himself properly.

Just kidding!

I know, it's scary. It's not as if my kids will magically become mature adults at 18. They're not irresponsible kids. We're not helicopter parents. But 18 is still rather young!