Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ffs help them clean their house. Or hire someone to come weekly to do it. You sound like a totally useless b*tch.

They allowed a bathroom leak to ruin the ceiling and a wall in their living room and now they just don't use that bathroom. Their dishwasher broke some time ago and they haven't repaired it. There are dishes piled in the sink and gunk and grime all over the place. Their yard must be a jungle.

A weekly cleaning service can only do so much. I have seen people in their 80's and 90's age in place and still take care of their homes better than a lot of younger people would. But that is not the case for Op's parents. And, no, I don't think that adult children can reasonably be expected to take on the upkeep of their parents' large home.

Op's parents have clearly decided that they want to spend their time/energy/money on active, fun leisure activities. More power to them - they've worked hard and they've earned the right to make that call. What they can't do is dump their chores, maintenance and basic upkeep of their home onto their adult children. Nor is it reasonable for them to just let their property go to the point that they are literally letting the place deteriorate around them - unsafe and unsanitary. That's no way to live. It's time to downsize and simplify.

If you have an older parent who has every closet crammed full of stuff, things stored under every bed, in every crawl space and a dusty attic that is crammed so full of stuff that you can't access it or a basement piled high with stuff - it is time to help them go through and pare down. Get a dumpster if you have to. Sell what you can. It is going to take time to go through all of it and your parents only have so much stamina..... so start today.

If your parents' house is falling into disrepair with an overgrown yard, leaky bathrooms, broken appliances, dust and grime everywhere - consider that a wake up call. They need to downsize. Don't wait for it to be an emergency situation where one parent is trying to do it all alone while taking care of their sick spouse.

DP. What do you do when your elderly parents adamantly refuse to consider downsizing, insist on continuing to running a boarding house out of the house, and ask you for money for "groceries because we don't have any money this month to even buy eggs!!" on a regular basis, meanwhile refusing to liquidate their $1mil + of real estate? Asking for a friend.

Honestly, I don't know. My own mom had an orderly houseful of beautiful belongings. She took better care of her house than most younger people do - no lie. But she began paring down a good decade before she actually downsized. Even so, she still had quite a bit to sell and give away when she did move. I shudder to think what it would have been like if she had not started the process, willingly herself. She has now downsized and she still keeps her place looking nice, neat and orderly. But she no longer has to worry about maintenance, yard work and cooking which is nice.

Anonymous wrote:
It takes years to pare down in a manner that is not traumatic and forced. Most people do not want to "give away" their things for nothing, even if it is junk. If there is a need to have regular garage sales or give things off to consignment store, then that also takes effort, time and space. Especially because we have become a nation of hoarders. Stop buying more things and start selling and donating things. For the elderly, all the stuff becomes part of their memories and they cling on to it.

As you look at the homes of your elderly relatives and try and help them, do yourself a favor and start paring down on your stuff too. Your kids do not want your things. Make your kids do the same too and teach them to live in a minimalist manner. The less stuff you have, the less time you spend maintaining it. The time and mental space that is freed up when you have less belongings is amazing. The biggest bonus is that you will have more money because of that in the bank.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There may be reasons why your family are no longer taking care of their home well. It could be their vision isn't great. It could be depression or finances. It could just be inertia when it comes to dealing with things that are not entirely pleasant.

That said, for the most part the problems that you cite are not health and safety emergencies right now. The problems are enough that I wouldn't love eating at their house, however. It's important to remember that you can't control others, only your own reaction. You can say something. You can even say that it's bothersome enough that you don't want to do family meals with the in-laws. But as long as they are of sound minds and bodies, you really can't take charge of their home and decisions about that home.

+1

This is the most reasonable advice here.

(And no, I don’t think it’s reasonable to somehow “demand” a competent adult fix-up their house. Unless things have gotten to the point where you are looking to a court to award you guardianship, you have to take “no” for an answer.)

Those who think the solution is simple obviously haven't been there. Unless you want to have your parents declared incompetent, you can't force them to do anything. You'll probably end up being denied access to their house. You can offer to help, but you can't do anything if they say no.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There may be reasons why your family are no longer taking care of their home well. It could be their vision isn't great. It could be depression or finances. It could just be inertia when it comes to dealing with things that are not entirely pleasant.

That said, for the most part the problems that you cite are not health and safety emergencies right now. The problems are enough that I wouldn't love eating at their house, however. It's important to remember that you can't control others, only your own reaction. You can say something. You can even say that it's bothersome enough that you don't want to do family meals with the in-laws. But as long as they are of sound minds and bodies, you really can't take charge of their home and decisions about that home.

+1

This is the most reasonable advice here.

(And no, I don’t think it’s reasonable to somehow “demand” a competent adult fix-up their house. Unless things have gotten to the point where you are looking to a court to award you guardianship, you have to take “no” for an answer.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What my brothers and I did was to just step in. You all can go to their house for a impromptu take out meal (without your spouse and kids), and one of you say that you have a guy who owes you money and has offered to do home repairs in return. Then you get the guy to the house, supervise/do the prep, repair, cleaning etc, and fix the problem. This is how we started.

Next, we started to visit my parents (with a cleaning person we paid for) and together we cleaned for a few days. Once things got settled, we took turns in the weekends to get the cleaning person, go to my parents home and get the cleaning done. We also paid for and outsourced - yard care, snow removal and making sure their HVAC was inspected and taken care of. We made sure that their vehicle was serviced and in good running condition. Keep an eye on their routine health visits, medications and make sure that they are eating well and exercising too. I lived close to my parents and I checked up every evening after dinner and forced them to take a walk with me around the block for 15 minutes in a leisurely fashion. All of us benefited from this exercise.

In our parents case, we noticed the decline and knew that helping in all possible way that we could, would allow them to stay in their own home for a longer period of time and have a better quality of life. It also lessened the burden and time committment from all of us siblings for their care. We did end up postponing the inevitable - move to assisted living, medical issues, long term care, death, and settling the estate - for good 15 years.

Over the next few years, you should also start sorting out other things for them - the basement, the attic, cataloging and scanning all photographs, decluttering stuff, do all the necessary paper work etc.. cause that is coming down the pike. It was also a great bonding experience for all of us siblings and my parents were more open to taking help because we did most of it without our spouses.

It is not hard, but you need to have a plan and put it into action. Watch out for cognitive decline also.

I'm not sure how old you are DP but I'm in my mid 50's which means that I'll be around 70 in 15 years and possibly needing to downsize, myself. It's great that you have been able to help your parents like that but I don't want to be an old person responsible for helping another old person downsize.

In your 50s, you should start to do the "Swedish Death Cleanse" of your own house as well as your elderly parents. You are still working but gearing towards retirement, this is the time for you to simplify as much as you can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What my brothers and I did was to just step in. You all can go to their house for a impromptu take out meal (without your spouse and kids), and one of you say that you have a guy who owes you money and has offered to do home repairs in return. Then you get the guy to the house, supervise/do the prep, repair, cleaning etc, and fix the problem. This is how we started.

Next, we started to visit my parents (with a cleaning person we paid for) and together we cleaned for a few days. Once things got settled, we took turns in the weekends to get the cleaning person, go to my parents home and get the cleaning done. We also paid for and outsourced - yard care, snow removal and making sure their HVAC was inspected and taken care of. We made sure that their vehicle was serviced and in good running condition. Keep an eye on their routine health visits, medications and make sure that they are eating well and exercising too. I lived close to my parents and I checked up every evening after dinner and forced them to take a walk with me around the block for 15 minutes in a leisurely fashion. All of us benefited from this exercise.

In our parents case, we noticed the decline and knew that helping in all possible way that we could, would allow them to stay in their own home for a longer period of time and have a better quality of life. It also lessened the burden and time committment from all of us siblings for their care. We did end up postponing the inevitable - move to assisted living, medical issues, long term care, death, and settling the estate - for good 15 years.

Over the next few years, you should also start sorting out other things for them - the basement, the attic, cataloging and scanning all photographs, decluttering stuff, do all the necessary paper work etc.. cause that is coming down the pike. It was also a great bonding experience for all of us siblings and my parents were more open to taking help because we did most of it without our spouses.

It is not hard, but you need to have a plan and put it into action. Watch out for cognitive decline also.

I'm not sure how old you are DP but I'm in my mid 50's which means that I'll be around 70 in 15 years and possibly needing to downsize, myself. It's great that you have been able to help your parents like that but I don't want to be an old person responsible for helping another old person downsize.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ffs help them clean their house. Or hire someone to come weekly to do it. You sound like a totally useless b*tch.

They allowed a bathroom leak to ruin the ceiling and a wall in their living room and now they just don't use that bathroom. Their dishwasher broke some time ago and they haven't repaired it. There are dishes piled in the sink and gunk and grime all over the place. Their yard must be a jungle.

A weekly cleaning service can only do so much. I have seen people in their 80's and 90's age in place and still take care of their homes better than a lot of younger people would. But that is not the case for Op's parents. And, no, I don't think that adult children can reasonably be expected to take on the upkeep of their parents' large home.

Op's parents have clearly decided that they want to spend their time/energy/money on active, fun leisure activities. More power to them - they've worked hard and they've earned the right to make that call. What they can't do is dump their chores, maintenance and basic upkeep of their home onto their adult children. Nor is it reasonable for them to just let their property go to the point that they are literally letting the place deteriorate around them - unsafe and unsanitary. That's no way to live. It's time to downsize and simplify.

If you have an older parent who has every closet crammed full of stuff, things stored under every bed, in every crawl space and a dusty attic that is crammed so full of stuff that you can't access it or a basement piled high with stuff - it is time to help them go through and pare down. Get a dumpster if you have to. Sell what you can. It is going to take time to go through all of it and your parents only have so much stamina..... so start today.

If your parents' house is falling into disrepair with an overgrown yard, leaky bathrooms, broken appliances, dust and grime everywhere - consider that a wake up call. They need to downsize. Don't wait for it to be an emergency situation where one parent is trying to do it all alone while taking care of their sick spouse.

DP. What do you do when your elderly parents adamantly refuse to consider downsizing, insist on continuing to running a boarding house out of the house, and ask you for money for "groceries because we don't have any money this month to even buy eggs!!" on a regular basis, meanwhile refusing to liquidate their $1mil + of real estate? Asking for a friend.

Anonymous wrote:What my brothers and I did was to just step in. You all can go to their house for a impromptu take out meal (without your spouse and kids), and one of you say that you have a guy who owes you money and has offered to do home repairs in return. Then you get the guy to the house, supervise/do the prep, repair, cleaning etc, and fix the problem. This is how we started.

Next, we started to visit my parents (with a cleaning person we paid for) and together we cleaned for a few days. Once things got settled, we took turns in the weekends to get the cleaning person, go to my parents home and get the cleaning done. We also paid for and outsourced - yard care, snow removal and making sure their HVAC was inspected and taken care of. We made sure that their vehicle was serviced and in good running condition. Keep an eye on their routine health visits, medications and make sure that they are eating well and exercising too. I lived close to my parents and I checked up every evening after dinner and forced them to take a walk with me around the block for 15 minutes in a leisurely fashion. All of us benefited from this exercise.

In our parents case, we noticed the decline and knew that helping in all possible way that we could, would allow them to stay in their own home for a longer period of time and have a better quality of life. It also lessened the burden and time committment from all of us siblings for their care. We did end up postponing the inevitable - move to assisted living, medical issues, long term care, death, and settling the estate - for good 15 years.

Over the next few years, you should also start sorting out other things for them - the basement, the attic, cataloging and scanning all photographs, decluttering stuff, do all the necessary paper work etc.. cause that is coming down the pike. It was also a great bonding experience for all of us siblings and my parents were more open to taking help because we did most of it without our spouses.

It is not hard, but you need to have a plan and put it into action. Watch out for cognitive decline also.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ffs help them clean their house. Or hire someone to come weekly to do it. You sound like a totally useless b*tch.

They allowed a bathroom leak to ruin the ceiling and a wall in their living room and now they just don't use that bathroom. Their dishwasher broke some time ago and they haven't repaired it. There are dishes piled in the sink and gunk and grime all over the place. Their yard must be a jungle.

A weekly cleaning service can only do so much. I have seen people in their 80's and 90's age in place and still take care of their homes better than a lot of younger people would. But that is not the case for Op's parents. And, no, I don't think that adult children can reasonably be expected to take on the upkeep of their parents' large home.

Op's parents have clearly decided that they want to spend their time/energy/money on active, fun leisure activities. More power to them - they've worked hard and they've earned the right to make that call. What they can't do is dump their chores, maintenance and basic upkeep of their home onto their adult children. Nor is it reasonable for them to just let their property go to the point that they are literally letting the place deteriorate around them - unsafe and unsanitary. That's no way to live. It's time to downsize and simplify.

If you have an older parent who has every closet crammed full of stuff, things stored under every bed, in every crawl space and a dusty attic that is crammed so full of stuff that you can't access it or a basement piled high with stuff - it is time to help them go through and pare down. Get a dumpster if you have to. Sell what you can. It is going to take time to go through all of it and your parents only have so much stamina..... so start today.

If your parents' house is falling into disrepair with an overgrown yard, leaky bathrooms, broken appliances, dust and grime everywhere - consider that a wake up call. They need to downsize. Don't wait for it to be an emergency situation where one parent is trying to do it all alone while taking care of their sick spouse.

Anonymous wrote:ffs help them clean their house. Or hire someone to come weekly to do it. You sound like a totally useless b*tch.