Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 21:57     Subject: My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I either talk about my kids or pop culture because I’m not interested in sharing anything of myself with coworkers I’m not close to.


+1 But apparently we need to cross the kids off the list.


I do not talk about my kids at work or pregnancies. And then I was told by my male manager at my performance evaluation that other coworkers thought that was cold. You can't win! I work in a 100% female environment. My pregnancies were IVF and I had lots of health issues, so I wasn't comfortable talking about them at all (I lost a 20+ week pregnancy). During my pregnancy, one of my meaner coworkers told me she knew I wasn't happy to be pregnant, but they liked being included in my pregnancies. Another coworker thought I didn't like children because I didn't want to discuss mine. None of which could be further from the truth. I love them to pieces, but I really want to keep things professional. Plus it's weird being the only 30 year old when everyone else is 55-65 years old. They don't understand and are judgy. "I don't know why young moms still rear face their poor toddlers." Or snide comments about pumping breastmilk. If I say anything about my kids, they'll just say they had it harder and how easy it is for moms now. I've encountered this dynamic before too at a previous job. FWIW I'm a lawyer and all my coworkers are paralegals or admins.


Your co-workers probably think you are cold because you think you are better than them.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 21:51     Subject: My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
Anonymous wrote:Wow, the examples some of you are giving about the non-kid response you have are so boring. I’d much rather hear about your kids than your beach trip, your workout, your garden or a show you watch!


I agree! I would think it was pretty odd if I went to catch up with someone, and they started talking all about BH90210, but neglected to mention their child just started college.

Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 21:35     Subject: My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
I'm like you, OP, and don't feel bad about it one bit.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 21:30     Subject: Re:My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
I felt this way a couple years ago after my oldest DD turned 12.
I realized my kids won't live with me forever and I better take up some of my old interests!
You really can't win, though.
If I talk about a yoga class or book I'm reading, they'll say:" I wish I had time to read!"

Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 20:14     Subject: My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I either talk about my kids or pop culture because I’m not interested in sharing anything of myself with coworkers I’m not close to.


+1 But apparently we need to cross the kids off the list.


I do not talk about my kids at work or pregnancies. And then I was told by my male manager at my performance evaluation that other coworkers thought that was cold. You can't win! I work in a 100% female environment. My pregnancies were IVF and I had lots of health issues, so I wasn't comfortable talking about them at all (I lost a 20+ week pregnancy). During my pregnancy, one of my meaner coworkers told me she knew I wasn't happy to be pregnant, but they liked being included in my pregnancies. Another coworker thought I didn't like children because I didn't want to discuss mine. None of which could be further from the truth. I love them to pieces, but I really want to keep things professional. Plus it's weird being the only 30 year old when everyone else is 55-65 years old. They don't understand and are judgy. "I don't know why young moms still rear face their poor toddlers." Or snide comments about pumping breastmilk. If I say anything about my kids, they'll just say they had it harder and how easy it is for moms now. I've encountered this dynamic before too at a previous job. FWIW I'm a lawyer and all my coworkers are paralegals or admins.


I think the point is there has to be a middle ground. OP only talks about her children. You never talk to your children. Both are extremes. The normal thing and what seems to be what your co-workers are hinting at is that you mention a little about your kids, just enough to be polite, but not overwhelm. In general, office chit-chat is supposed to be succinct. Mention your kids in general. Mention your pregnancy a little and then move on. So if you are pregnant and someone asks how you are, it's fine to say that the second trimester is tough, but you're doing okay and then move on. If you have kids and you never mention them at all, then it does seem cold. But if you mention them briefly and just in general ways, that's fine. So talking about your child getting ready to go to kindergarten or that your kids are so excited that your mother is coming to visit is fine. One comment each conversation briefly mentioning your kids is normal. If they want more, they can ask questions and you can provide more info, but most people will feel like your co-workers, that it is odd that you never mention them at all.


Doesn’t matter. No senior male would ever criticized for not chatting enough about his children. Wtf.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 20:12     Subject: Re:My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
Also think about the life you are modeling for your kids, especially daughters (if you are female). The message is that they need to live for/through their kids. Which could be pretty upsetting if they can't/don't have children.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 16:37     Subject: My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
Anonymous wrote:I either talk about my kids or pop culture because I’m not interested in sharing anything of myself with coworkers I’m not close to.


+ 1. These are safe topics. You can certainly not talk about the country, politics, race, religion, education, state of economy or even weather (because of global warming).

Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 16:21     Subject: My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
Listen, it is annoying to start talking about your kid every time you’re asked about yourself. It makes you seem like a showdown of a person and you only experience life through others. Stop!

I say this as a mom who spends 99% of my free time with my kids and family. When someone asks me about my weekend, I use “I” statements. “I just discovered a great farm for peaches this weekend - now I have to figure out what to do with all that fruit!” Say that instead of “Larlo is obsessed with how things grow so we took him to a peach farm to pick fruit! It’s so fun to see him discover the world.”

It’s also a good idea to keep it short and ask the other person how they’re doing. I’ve noticed a lot of people have a blind spot for just how interesting little Larlo’s soccer match was and will drone on and on about their children much longer than if they were talking about themselves.

Lastly, your friend was trying to help you. She took a chance giving you feedback about a blind spot you have. Don’t shoot the messenger.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 16:06     Subject: My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I either talk about my kids or pop culture because I’m not interested in sharing anything of myself with coworkers I’m not close to.


+1 But apparently we need to cross the kids off the list.


I do not talk about my kids at work or pregnancies. And then I was told by my male manager at my performance evaluation that other coworkers thought that was cold. You can't win! I work in a 100% female environment. My pregnancies were IVF and I had lots of health issues, so I wasn't comfortable talking about them at all (I lost a 20+ week pregnancy). During my pregnancy, one of my meaner coworkers told me she knew I wasn't happy to be pregnant, but they liked being included in my pregnancies. Another coworker thought I didn't like children because I didn't want to discuss mine. None of which could be further from the truth. I love them to pieces, but I really want to keep things professional. Plus it's weird being the only 30 year old when everyone else is 55-65 years old. They don't understand and are judgy. "I don't know why young moms still rear face their poor toddlers." Or snide comments about pumping breastmilk. If I say anything about my kids, they'll just say they had it harder and how easy it is for moms now. I've encountered this dynamic before too at a previous job. FWIW I'm a lawyer and all my coworkers are paralegals or admins.


I think the point is there has to be a middle ground. OP only talks about her children. You never talk to your children. Both are extremes. The normal thing and what seems to be what your co-workers are hinting at is that you mention a little about your kids, just enough to be polite, but not overwhelm. In general, office chit-chat is supposed to be succinct. Mention your kids in general. Mention your pregnancy a little and then move on. So if you are pregnant and someone asks how you are, it's fine to say that the second trimester is tough, but you're doing okay and then move on. If you have kids and you never mention them at all, then it does seem cold. But if you mention them briefly and just in general ways, that's fine. So talking about your child getting ready to go to kindergarten or that your kids are so excited that your mother is coming to visit is fine. One comment each conversation briefly mentioning your kids is normal. If they want more, they can ask questions and you can provide more info, but most people will feel like your co-workers, that it is odd that you never mention them at all.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 14:23     Subject: My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
Anonymous wrote:Wow, the examples some of you are giving about the non-kid response you have are so boring. I’d much rather hear about your kids than your beach trip, your workout, your garden or a show you watch!


I think you're in the minority. I have kids and don't even want to hear about other people's...
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 14:22     Subject: My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
Wow, the examples some of you are giving about the non-kid response you have are so boring. I’d much rather hear about your kids than your beach trip, your workout, your garden or a show you watch!
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 13:35     Subject: My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
Anonymous wrote:When I see people and they ask what’s new, I tend to talk about my children. Oh “Larlo’s still in travel ball so busy with that” or “Larlie’s a college freshman” etc. One of my coworkers told me today that I never talk about myself when people ask me this, only my kids. I do it because I work full time and my kids pretty much are my life outside of that. Sad? So is that not an acceptable response and I need to focus more on myself?


I can't judge how you view yourself, but can tell you that I don't do that. I talk about books I've read/am reading, shows I'm planning to see, trips I just took, what's going on at the place I volunteer, my thoughts on BH90210 and Simone Biles, etc.

Do some of these things involve my kids? Sure. The kids were on the last trip I took. I loved the Trevor Noah book so much that I gave it to my son to read, and he wants to go see him perform live so we'll go to that together.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 13:22     Subject: My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I either talk about my kids or pop culture because I’m not interested in sharing anything of myself with coworkers I’m not close to.


+1 But apparently we need to cross the kids off the list.


I do not talk about my kids at work or pregnancies. And then I was told by my male manager at my performance evaluation that other coworkers thought that was cold. You can't win! I work in a 100% female environment. My pregnancies were IVF and I had lots of health issues, so I wasn't comfortable talking about them at all (I lost a 20+ week pregnancy). During my pregnancy, one of my meaner coworkers told me she knew I wasn't happy to be pregnant, but they liked being included in my pregnancies. Another coworker thought I didn't like children because I didn't want to discuss mine. None of which could be further from the truth. I love them to pieces, but I really want to keep things professional. Plus it's weird being the only 30 year old when everyone else is 55-65 years old. They don't understand and are judgy. "I don't know why young moms still rear face their poor toddlers." Or snide comments about pumping breastmilk. If I say anything about my kids, they'll just say they had it harder and how easy it is for moms now. I've encountered this dynamic before too at a previous job. FWIW I'm a lawyer and all my coworkers are paralegals or admins.


Sounds like they're just a bunch of miserable old cows, PP. If you did talk about your kids, they'd find a way to dissect and judge everything you shared.


Yes exactly. And that's why I don't share.

During a presentation I opened my laptop and there was a new diaper inside of it that popped out. I think one of my kids put it there? Anyways, I laughed about it, but they didn't. They said they'd been there before and had had things happen like that to them. It's just such a strange dynamic that makes me feel un special.

And conversely, they will complain about how I don't share more.


The next time they crucified you or drop a snide comment respond, “see those types of comments are why I hesitate to share anything about my children.”
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 13:13     Subject: My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I either talk about my kids or pop culture because I’m not interested in sharing anything of myself with coworkers I’m not close to.


+1 But apparently we need to cross the kids off the list.


I do not talk about my kids at work or pregnancies. And then I was told by my male manager at my performance evaluation that other coworkers thought that was cold. You can't win! I work in a 100% female environment. My pregnancies were IVF and I had lots of health issues, so I wasn't comfortable talking about them at all (I lost a 20+ week pregnancy). During my pregnancy, one of my meaner coworkers told me she knew I wasn't happy to be pregnant, but they liked being included in my pregnancies. Another coworker thought I didn't like children because I didn't want to discuss mine. None of which could be further from the truth. I love them to pieces, but I really want to keep things professional. Plus it's weird being the only 30 year old when everyone else is 55-65 years old. They don't understand and are judgy. "I don't know why young moms still rear face their poor toddlers." Or snide comments about pumping breastmilk. If I say anything about my kids, they'll just say they had it harder and how easy it is for moms now. I've encountered this dynamic before too at a previous job. FWIW I'm a lawyer and all my coworkers are paralegals or admins.


Sounds like they're just a bunch of miserable old cows, PP. If you did talk about your kids, they'd find a way to dissect and judge everything you shared.


Yes exactly. And that's why I don't share.

During a presentation I opened my laptop and there was a new diaper inside of it that popped out. I think one of my kids put it there? Anyways, I laughed about it, but they didn't. They said they'd been there before and had had things happen like that to them. It's just such a strange dynamic that makes me feel un special.

And conversely, they will complain about how I don't share more.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2019 13:07     Subject: My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I either talk about my kids or pop culture because I’m not interested in sharing anything of myself with coworkers I’m not close to.


+1 But apparently we need to cross the kids off the list.


I do not talk about my kids at work or pregnancies. And then I was told by my male manager at my performance evaluation that other coworkers thought that was cold. You can't win! I work in a 100% female environment. My pregnancies were IVF and I had lots of health issues, so I wasn't comfortable talking about them at all (I lost a 20+ week pregnancy). During my pregnancy, one of my meaner coworkers told me she knew I wasn't happy to be pregnant, but they liked being included in my pregnancies. Another coworker thought I didn't like children because I didn't want to discuss mine. None of which could be further from the truth. I love them to pieces, but I really want to keep things professional. Plus it's weird being the only 30 year old when everyone else is 55-65 years old. They don't understand and are judgy. "I don't know why young moms still rear face their poor toddlers." Or snide comments about pumping breastmilk. If I say anything about my kids, they'll just say they had it harder and how easy it is for moms now. I've encountered this dynamic before too at a previous job. FWIW I'm a lawyer and all my coworkers are paralegals or admins.


Sounds like they're just a bunch of miserable old cows, PP. If you did talk about your kids, they'd find a way to dissect and judge everything you shared.