Anonymous
Post 08/14/2019 16:04     Subject: Re:ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:For those who decide they won’t stay with a sick spouse, what do you do with a disabled child?


put them up for adoption then have multiple affairs! (I'm good at covering my tracks) It's all about MEEEEEE and MY FEELINGS!

-DCUM
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2019 15:54     Subject: Re:ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For those who decide they won’t stay with a sick spouse, what do you do with a disabled child?


I’ve always been honest with my kids about this. Long term or debilitating illness is a deal breaker me.


What? You told your kids you would abandon them? You should not have had kids.

NP. This is a sarcastic response to an earlier pp talking about their spouse.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2019 15:48     Subject: Re:ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For those who decide they won’t stay with a sick spouse, what do you do with a disabled child?


I’ve always been honest with my kids about this. Long term or debilitating illness is a deal breaker me.


What? You told your kids you would abandon them? You should not have had kids.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2019 15:42     Subject: Re:ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:For those who decide they won’t stay with a sick spouse, what do you do with a disabled child?


I’ve always been honest with my kids about this. Long term or debilitating illness is a deal breaker me.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2019 15:41     Subject: Re:ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH carries the genetics for a terminal degenerative illness with a fairly long decline (10+ years). Many people in his family have it but there's no way of knowing if or when he will be symptomatic. Before marriage, we talked about what would happen if he became ill. We would stay together until he was no longer capable of managing his illness himself. At that point, he would want to be put in a care facility.

It took dh's dad 20 years to die after symptom onset. The first 10 years were manageable, the next 5 were bad, and the last 5 were miserable. He saw how the toll that caring for his father inflicted on his mother and family in general. He doesn't want that for me or our children.


Why marry then if he sees it as such a terrible fate?


There's a possibility that he might not become symptomatic. Even if he did, it wouldn't be until the later side of middle age. We would have had many happy years together by then.


Genuinely curious. How did you decide to have kids with him? I know a man who's wife has huntington's and the have three children all hitting their adult years. In my mind it must just be absolute agony waiting to see if their children are going to be struck down.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2019 15:40     Subject: ill spouse
A childhood friend of mine developed Huntington’s disease, was diagnosed when we were all in our mid 30s. He only found out through genetic testing when they were trying to get pregnant. So he knew he would get it, they just didn’t know when. His wife stayed with him, he died 10 years later. I would not have faulted her if she had left, but she stayed and took care of him until the end. I don’t know how she did it, but it was amazing.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2019 15:12     Subject: ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What if the illness is mental illness?

Am I a piece of shit for leaving a bipolar spouse who refused to continue treatment?

Am I obligated to keep my child in a home where savings are spent to zero on manic shopping? Where promises are never fulfilled? Where friends, family, and neighbors are alienated so we have no community? Where on any given day, something like unloading a dishwasher the wrong way can send my spouse into a violent rage?


17:56 here. I don't think you are a piece of shit at all and I do think a mental illness and refusing the continue treatment are VERY different from a physical condition that cannot be treated. I'm sorry for what you went through.


The illness itself? I would stay. But the refusal of treatment is a conscious choice, so I would completely support divorce then.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2019 11:13     Subject: ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.


I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2019 10:56     Subject: Re:ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:For those who decide they won’t stay with a sick spouse, what do you do with a disabled child?


We have a disabled child and my DW has definitely checked out leaving me with the lion's share of the care for him. So some bail in those circumstances too.

I would try to tough it out if my spouse were disabled. I can't see getting married but then bailing if they get sick. If that's how you feel why not just date?
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2019 10:34     Subject: ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.


That's pretty horrible to cheat on your wife. You sound selfish, not selfless.


you have no clue what a 12 year caregiver goes through, you sound naive & judgemental.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2019 23:26     Subject: ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:What if the illness is mental illness?

Am I a piece of shit for leaving a bipolar spouse who refused to continue treatment?

Am I obligated to keep my child in a home where savings are spent to zero on manic shopping? Where promises are never fulfilled? Where friends, family, and neighbors are alienated so we have no community? Where on any given day, something like unloading a dishwasher the wrong way can send my spouse into a violent rage?


I kicked my bipolar spouse out and kept custody of our kids. He refused to stop drinking and would not consistently seek and follow medical advice. Living with him became abusive, even though the underlying driver of the abuse was illness.

In the decade since we split, I have done what I could safely do to support his hwalrh and relationship with our kids. We were fortunate that he was not seriously violeent, otherwise I would have cut all ties.

OP, I am sorry you had to go through this. Take it from someone who knows - you have done the right thing. It is OK and even necessary to put your own oxygen mask on first.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2019 22:59     Subject: ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:What if the illness is mental illness?

Am I a piece of shit for leaving a bipolar spouse who refused to continue treatment?

Am I obligated to keep my child in a home where savings are spent to zero on manic shopping? Where promises are never fulfilled? Where friends, family, and neighbors are alienated so we have no community? Where on any given day, something like unloading a dishwasher the wrong way can send my spouse into a violent rage?


Of course not. Only the abusers on DCUM would say such a thing. Unfortunately, they do say it, but they are abusers so you should not value their opinion.

Abusers also like to say "in sickness and in health no matter what" to make an abused spouse feel guilty for leaving.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2019 22:53     Subject: ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.


That's pretty horrible to cheat on your wife. You sound selfish, not selfless.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2019 22:42     Subject: ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve always been honest with my H about this, even before we were married, because he’s ten years older than me and health issues run in his family. Long term or debilitating illness is a deal breaker me.


You are a horrible person.


It would be poetic justice if she was the one who got ill.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2019 19:22     Subject: ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:What if the illness is mental illness?

Am I a piece of shit for leaving a bipolar spouse who refused to continue treatment?

Am I obligated to keep my child in a home where savings are spent to zero on manic shopping? Where promises are never fulfilled? Where friends, family, and neighbors are alienated so we have no community? Where on any given day, something like unloading a dishwasher the wrong way can send my spouse into a violent rage?


17:56 here. I don't think you are a piece of shit at all and I do think a mental illness and refusing the continue treatment are VERY different from a physical condition that cannot be treated. I'm sorry for what you went through.