Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 12:19     Subject: Re:Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH stayed home with the baby and as soon as I got home from work and picking up our toddler from daycare he was off duty. His rationale was he had been with the baby all day. No dinner, no help with bedtime, no folding laundry or washing bottles. He needed time for himself. The baby napped for a solid four hour a day. After a couple weeks of this I was ready to kill him. This sounds dumb to write out but I made a chart. The time of day by half hour down the side, and a column for each of us. Three colors - work, relax, sleep. My lunch hour was relax, my work time was work. Nap time and Netflix was relax, nap time and laundry plus Netflix was work. We filled it out for ourselves and each other for a couple days (took maybe 5 minutes to do) and compared. If we disagreed about which category something was in we compromised and figured it out and then tallied the time in each category for each of us. It was hard for him to disagree when he saw that he was getting roughly 8 hours of relax a day vs my 1.5 hours. We’re data people though, so this worked really well for us.

The other upside to this was to see what we were spending time on overall. You mentioned getting a new dishwasher - this was what prompted us to get one. We were seeing how long it was taking to load and it was because we were basically washing the dishes by hand first.


That sounds amazing! This is OP; thanks for a post that seems to get the situation! I have focused on washing bottles because we have this pattern of me washing/husband relaxing, but the bigger issue is communicating how little downtime I actually have.


You're welcome, I hope it helps. The other thing it helped with was finally talking about what we hate/don't mind doing. For example, it turns out he doesn't mind laundry except folding, which I don't actually mind. I used to expect that if he started laundry he'd finish it, and would get mad when he left it in a pile on the couch. Now I fold. Seems stupid, but when you get stuck in your blame mode it's hard to see what's really going on.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 12:16     Subject: Re:Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH stayed home with the baby and as soon as I got home from work and picking up our toddler from daycare he was off duty. His rationale was he had been with the baby all day. No dinner, no help with bedtime, no folding laundry or washing bottles. He needed time for himself. The baby napped for a solid four hour a day. After a couple weeks of this I was ready to kill him. This sounds dumb to write out but I made a chart. The time of day by half hour down the side, and a column for each of us. Three colors - work, relax, sleep. My lunch hour was relax, my work time was work. Nap time and Netflix was relax, nap time and laundry plus Netflix was work. We filled it out for ourselves and each other for a couple days (took maybe 5 minutes to do) and compared. If we disagreed about which category something was in we compromised and figured it out and then tallied the time in each category for each of us. It was hard for him to disagree when he saw that he was getting roughly 8 hours of relax a day vs my 1.5 hours. We’re data people though, so this worked really well for us.

The other upside to this was to see what we were spending time on overall. You mentioned getting a new dishwasher - this was what prompted us to get one. We were seeing how long it was taking to load and it was because we were basically washing the dishes by hand first.


That sounds amazing! This is OP; thanks for a post that seems to get the situation! I have focused on washing bottles because we have this pattern of me washing/husband relaxing, but the bigger issue is communicating how little downtime I actually have.


Yes that is the main issue, not the bottles. If you do this data chart, make sure you include all the time you spent pumping/nursing and cleaning pump parts as WORK. My DH fell all over himself to clean bottles because he didn't have bloody or leaking boobs to deal with.

Your DH needs to do more because you are not doing ok. Speak up. Calmly and clearly.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 12:11     Subject: Re:Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
Anonymous wrote:My DH stayed home with the baby and as soon as I got home from work and picking up our toddler from daycare he was off duty. His rationale was he had been with the baby all day. No dinner, no help with bedtime, no folding laundry or washing bottles. He needed time for himself. The baby napped for a solid four hour a day. After a couple weeks of this I was ready to kill him. This sounds dumb to write out but I made a chart. The time of day by half hour down the side, and a column for each of us. Three colors - work, relax, sleep. My lunch hour was relax, my work time was work. Nap time and Netflix was relax, nap time and laundry plus Netflix was work. We filled it out for ourselves and each other for a couple days (took maybe 5 minutes to do) and compared. If we disagreed about which category something was in we compromised and figured it out and then tallied the time in each category for each of us. It was hard for him to disagree when he saw that he was getting roughly 8 hours of relax a day vs my 1.5 hours. We’re data people though, so this worked really well for us.

The other upside to this was to see what we were spending time on overall. You mentioned getting a new dishwasher - this was what prompted us to get one. We were seeing how long it was taking to load and it was because we were basically washing the dishes by hand first.


That sounds amazing! This is OP; thanks for a post that seems to get the situation! I have focused on washing bottles because we have this pattern of me washing/husband relaxing, but the bigger issue is communicating how little downtime I actually have.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 12:07     Subject: Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He should do more, yes. But also, do you have a dishwasher? Throw pump parts and bottles in there when you get home (or have him do it). It seems like that would solve your problem.


This, if you have a dishwasher, use it.


I’m the pp that mentioned the dcum gaslighting OP - this is another dumb example of it. Bottles like dr browns or medela pump parts can’t be put in dishwasher and take the longest to clean correctly. Or those weighted straw sippies for toddlers. You have to wash the bottles by hand I get it. You’re not crazy or wrong.


NP here. Really? I EPd for a year and had a ton of Dr. Brown bottles and Medela parts and I washed mine in the dishwasher. OP, you can also get those microwave Medela steamer bags to help clean the pump parts; I used those too.

I say this with all kindness- if pumping and its logistics are causing you a ton of stress, maybe you should consider stopping pumping. Your baby getting formula with a healthy and happy mother is way better than a very stressed out mother whose PPD could be exacerbated by pumping. I thought I had also read that for some women, BF/pumping actually worsened their PPD.


Never heard that BF/pumping can worsen PPD, but weaning can definitely cause or exacerbate mood disorders. Just something to consider.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 11:59     Subject: Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He should do more, yes. But also, do you have a dishwasher? Throw pump parts and bottles in there when you get home (or have him do it). It seems like that would solve your problem.


This, if you have a dishwasher, use it.


I’m the pp that mentioned the dcum gaslighting OP - this is another dumb example of it. Bottles like dr browns or medela pump parts can’t be put in dishwasher and take the longest to clean correctly. Or those weighted straw sippies for toddlers. You have to wash the bottles by hand I get it. You’re not crazy or wrong.


You can absolutely put medela pump parts in the washing machine on the top rack.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 11:59     Subject: Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He should do more, yes. But also, do you have a dishwasher? Throw pump parts and bottles in there when you get home (or have him do it). It seems like that would solve your problem.


This, if you have a dishwasher, use it.


I’m the pp that mentioned the dcum gaslighting OP - this is another dumb example of it. Bottles like dr browns or medela pump parts can’t be put in dishwasher and take the longest to clean correctly. Or those weighted straw sippies for toddlers. You have to wash the bottles by hand I get it. You’re not crazy or wrong.


NP here. Really? I EPd for a year and had a ton of Dr. Brown bottles and Medela parts and I washed mine in the dishwasher. OP, you can also get those microwave Medela steamer bags to help clean the pump parts; I used those too.

I say this with all kindness- if pumping and its logistics are causing you a ton of stress, maybe you should consider stopping pumping. Your baby getting formula with a healthy and happy mother is way better than a very stressed out mother whose PPD could be exacerbated by pumping. I thought I had also read that for some women, BF/pumping actually worsened their PPD.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 11:59     Subject: Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He should do more, yes. But also, do you have a dishwasher? Throw pump parts and bottles in there when you get home (or have him do it). It seems like that would solve your problem.


This, if you have a dishwasher, use it.


I’m the pp that mentioned the dcum gaslighting OP - this is another dumb example of it. Bottles like dr browns or medela pump parts can’t be put in dishwasher and take the longest to clean correctly. Or those weighted straw sippies for toddlers. You have to wash the bottles by hand I get it. You’re not crazy or wrong.

Then those are not the products that you buy. Are you always so contrarian then when presented with solutions you immediately come up with another excuse as to why it won’t work? OP and her DH are in survival mode at this point. If OP is exhausted, buying anything that doesn’t go in this dishwasher is absurd. So is anyone in the house eating on a plate that can’t be tossed. Things will get better month by month. But until then, stop being your own worst enemy.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 11:51     Subject: Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
I'm a PP and I love the data chart idea! My DH has exponentially more downtime than I do but becomes wracked with guilt when I try to broach the subject. I will try the chart approach.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 11:38     Subject: Re:Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
My DH stayed home with the baby and as soon as I got home from work and picking up our toddler from daycare he was off duty. His rationale was he had been with the baby all day. No dinner, no help with bedtime, no folding laundry or washing bottles. He needed time for himself. The baby napped for a solid four hour a day. After a couple weeks of this I was ready to kill him. This sounds dumb to write out but I made a chart. The time of day by half hour down the side, and a column for each of us. Three colors - work, relax, sleep. My lunch hour was relax, my work time was work. Nap time and Netflix was relax, nap time and laundry plus Netflix was work. We filled it out for ourselves and each other for a couple days (took maybe 5 minutes to do) and compared. If we disagreed about which category something was in we compromised and figured it out and then tallied the time in each category for each of us. It was hard for him to disagree when he saw that he was getting roughly 8 hours of relax a day vs my 1.5 hours. We’re data people though, so this worked really well for us.

The other upside to this was to see what we were spending time on overall. You mentioned getting a new dishwasher - this was what prompted us to get one. We were seeing how long it was taking to load and it was because we were basically washing the dishes by hand first.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 11:30     Subject: Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He should do more, yes. But also, do you have a dishwasher? Throw pump parts and bottles in there when you get home (or have him do it). It seems like that would solve your problem.


This, if you have a dishwasher, use it.


I’m the pp that mentioned the dcum gaslighting OP - this is another dumb example of it. Bottles like dr browns or medela pump parts can’t be put in dishwasher and take the longest to clean correctly. Or those weighted straw sippies for toddlers. You have to wash the bottles by hand I get it. You’re not crazy or wrong.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 11:26     Subject: Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
Anonymous wrote:He should do more, yes. But also, do you have a dishwasher? Throw pump parts and bottles in there when you get home (or have him do it). It seems like that would solve your problem.


This, if you have a dishwasher, use it.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 11:21     Subject: Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you are picking this fight. Use the dishwasher. And washing pump parts and bottles should not take a long time. Five minutes, tops. Fill the sink with hot soapy water, drop them in, go do something else, come back later and rinse. I guarantee they will be clean enough.


You would think it doesn’t take a long time, but a full day of bottles and pump parts does take a while. I guess I am just a super b who picks unnecessary fights and should just quit pumping. I thought I was a sleep deprived parent with minimal downtime and limited problem solving ability due to the sleep deprivation who was hoping to get some ideas on how to deal with a problem (hey, I couldn’t even figure out the dishwasher logistics without help, and I do appreciate it). I thought I was just a parent who is envious of her spouse’s downtime and trying to figure out how to navigate those feelings, and a mom who is scaling back pumping slowly to prevent another bout of mastitis and to help avoid weaning-related depression. But apparently I just suck. Thanks to all who confirmed that for me. Don’t worry; your loathing for me is nothing compared to my self-loathing.


Hi OP- I mean this with kindness- is there a chance you are suffering from PPD? I have been reading this thread but not participating (so have no dog in this fight) and your reaction to the other posters is not normal. If you are having feelings of self-loathing please get checked out by a therapist.


Thanks for checking. Yes, I am receiving treatment for PPD (mentioned in a post above, where I also noted that my response to this particular PP wasn’t really fair). Didn’t mention PPD in my original post because admissions of PPD often result in very nasty responses on DCUM. Thought it was still worth posting here for the practical advice; I try to avoid discussing DH issues with friends, so the anonymous forum is nice for that. But I’m not sure I’m able to handle the nasty responses at the moment, as you point out.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 11:21     Subject: Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
You need to find a solution now, because he's not going to be on leave forever and then there's zero chance those bottles are washed when you get home. We did a divide and conquer - someone was getting kids in bed, while the other parent cleaned up dinner/dishes and we'd switch off. He does it his way, you do it yours.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 11:15     Subject: Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
These ppl are dumb ignore them OP, they’re gaslighting you like your husband. When I was on maternity leave, I did everything and was a tornado aka no downtime at all. When baby slept I cooked dinner eat wash bottles and pump. Any moment baby is relaxing or sleeping is used to reset things and wash things. Sure I could be a lazy bum and just let things be and expect someone to do it at the end of the day while I do the bare minimum during the day. It’s BS, and I experience it too when my husband watches our son, I have more work to do when I get back than if I hadn’t left. So what’s left to do? The answer is nothing, you wanna get stuff done and do it right, you do it yourself. I’ve given up reminding husband about bottles and clothes and dishes and I just do it. Sometimes as I’m on my 5th bottle washing with 3 different brushes I tell him sure could have used the help here. He does nothing, at least I got out my feelings. Like a pp said, it’s a FACT husbands do less or don’t do it right.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2019 11:07     Subject: Baby-related chores when DH is in leave
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you are picking this fight. Use the dishwasher. And washing pump parts and bottles should not take a long time. Five minutes, tops. Fill the sink with hot soapy water, drop them in, go do something else, come back later and rinse. I guarantee they will be clean enough.


You would think it doesn’t take a long time, but a full day of bottles and pump parts does take a while. I guess I am just a super b who picks unnecessary fights and should just quit pumping. I thought I was a sleep deprived parent with minimal downtime and limited problem solving ability due to the sleep deprivation who was hoping to get some ideas on how to deal with a problem (hey, I couldn’t even figure out the dishwasher logistics without help, and I do appreciate it). I thought I was just a parent who is envious of her spouse’s downtime and trying to figure out how to navigate those feelings, and a mom who is scaling back pumping slowly to prevent another bout of mastitis and to help avoid weaning-related depression. But apparently I just suck. Thanks to all who confirmed that for me. Don’t worry; your loathing for me is nothing compared to my self-loathing.


Hi OP- I mean this with kindness- is there a chance you are suffering from PPD? I have been reading this thread but not participating (so have no dog in this fight) and your reaction to the other posters is not normal. If you are having feelings of self-loathing please get checked out by a therapist.