Anonymous
Post 07/28/2019 22:03     Subject: daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:After being corrected/disciplined (and I'm NOT talking any sort of severe punishment) she'll say stuff like "I know you hate me, why don't you just say it?" or "wouldn't your life be easier if I were never born? Just think, you'd never have to deal with any of this."

I don't know what to do.


“You say this each time you are corrected or punished. Let me be clear: It is because I love you that I do this. If I don’t set boundaries and give consequences, you’ll get the message that this behavior is okay. It’s not. And if it’s allowed to continue, the consequences later on in life will get bigger. The time you should worry about me hating you and not caring about you is when I stop engaging and let you do whatever you want.”


I love this one. I'm using it verbatim! Thanks!


Mom is that you????? Oh my god I just had a flashback to 98!
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2019 21:52     Subject: daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined
Anonymous wrote:After being corrected/disciplined (and I'm NOT talking any sort of severe punishment) she'll say stuff like "I know you hate me, why don't you just say it?" or "wouldn't your life be easier if I were never born? Just think, you'd never have to deal with any of this."

I don't know what to do.

She's pressing your buttons. Ignore her efforts.
But you both definitely need help.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2019 20:18     Subject: daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined
My son used to get very defensive when he was corrected because he seemed to think that he should just know whatever he'd been corrected for. I started prefacing my comments with statements like, "You wouldn't have any reason to know x because you haven't been in this situation before" or "This is something that most parents have to share with their kids" and the like so he'd know that he wasn't "bad" or "stupid" when we were correcting him, but just filling him in on what he didn't know yet. I also used to point out times when I'd been corrected or learned something i didn't know to show him that there's no shame in it.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2019 09:54     Subject: Re:daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined



After being corrected/disciplined (and I'm NOT talking any sort of severe punishment) she'll say stuff like "I know you hate me, why don't you just say it?" or "wouldn't your life be easier if I were never born? Just think, you'd never have to deal with any of this."

I don't know what to do.


She is testing you.

"No, I don't hate you. I love you--always have and always will. If you had never been born, my life would be very empty. Now, let's talk about what's really bothering you--I want to help."

Rinse. Repeat.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2019 09:09     Subject: daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I know it's dramatic, over the top, silly, etc. But these are real emotions that a real person is feeling. This is her reaction, so try to take a breath, take it in, and respond in the most present, mature, compassionate way that you can.

I will never, ever forget a time when I was genuinely trying to tell my dad that something he said had hurt me. He laughed at me. To this day, I think it's the worst I've ever felt, and I've suffered some true losses and difficulties over the years.




You can roll your eyes all you want and be as hard ass as you please, but you don't seem to remember being a teenager. These are almost adults. They have opinions and feelings, some of which are intense and that's a result of biology. Go ahead and minimize them. See what that gets you.

As for the OP, I suggest picking battles but also just reiterating you don't hate her. I try to tell my DC that she has to accept corrections and criticisms when she's wrong. It's my job to ensure she doesn't grow up to be a jerk or to make XXX mistake. I tell her to take a breath and relax. If I hear some sort of statement several times then we have a sep discussion as to what she means, how she's feeling, etc. Maybe I've said something that came off in a way I didn't mean? Maybe she's just being dramatic? Whatever. Being a parent requires more than just dictating orders and barking condescending remarks.


I remember it well. I have teens. None of us were/are unstable or rude in this way. I was not traumatized by my parents. You guys are raising snowflakes.








Name-calling. Nice. I think I'd take a hard look at what you're saying to your kid. I seriously doubt you're not rude or "traumatizing" them if it takes just an anonymous post for your reaction above.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2019 08:46     Subject: daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:After being corrected/disciplined (and I'm NOT talking any sort of severe punishment) she'll say stuff like "I know you hate me, why don't you just say it?" or "wouldn't your life be easier if I were never born? Just think, you'd never have to deal with any of this."

I don't know what to do.


“You say this each time you are corrected or punished. Let me be clear: It is because I love you that I do this. If I don’t set boundaries and give consequences, you’ll get the message that this behavior is okay. It’s not. And if it’s allowed to continue, the consequences later on in life will get bigger. The time you should worry about me hating you and not caring about you is when I stop engaging and let you do whatever you want.”


I love this one. I'm using it verbatim! Thanks!


I hope it works. With my kid it would have backfired because his outburst were always about self esteem. Logic and reason miss the point.

YMMV


And with my kids, it wouldn't have worked because anytime I do more talking than listening, I'm making things worse.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 22:11     Subject: daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I know it's dramatic, over the top, silly, etc. But these are real emotions that a real person is feeling. This is her reaction, so try to take a breath, take it in, and respond in the most present, mature, compassionate way that you can.

I will never, ever forget a time when I was genuinely trying to tell my dad that something he said had hurt me. He laughed at me. To this day, I think it's the worst I've ever felt, and I've suffered some true losses and difficulties over the years.




You can roll your eyes all you want and be as hard ass as you please, but you don't seem to remember being a teenager. These are almost adults. They have opinions and feelings, some of which are intense and that's a result of biology. Go ahead and minimize them. See what that gets you.

As for the OP, I suggest picking battles but also just reiterating you don't hate her. I try to tell my DC that she has to accept corrections and criticisms when she's wrong. It's my job to ensure she doesn't grow up to be a jerk or to make XXX mistake. I tell her to take a breath and relax. If I hear some sort of statement several times then we have a sep discussion as to what she means, how she's feeling, etc. Maybe I've said something that came off in a way I didn't mean? Maybe she's just being dramatic? Whatever. Being a parent requires more than just dictating orders and barking condescending remarks.


I remember it well. I have teens. None of us were/are unstable or rude in this way. I was not traumatized by my parents. You guys are raising snowflakes.




You don’t sound like a nice person, PP. If the callousness you exhibit here reflects your parenting, I suspect there is more going on with your kids than you know. Check back in with us when they are 25 and only calling once a month.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 22:09     Subject: daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:After being corrected/disciplined (and I'm NOT talking any sort of severe punishment) she'll say stuff like "I know you hate me, why don't you just say it?" or "wouldn't your life be easier if I were never born? Just think, you'd never have to deal with any of this."

I don't know what to do.


“You say this each time you are corrected or punished. Let me be clear: It is because I love you that I do this. If I don’t set boundaries and give consequences, you’ll get the message that this behavior is okay. It’s not. And if it’s allowed to continue, the consequences later on in life will get bigger. The time you should worry about me hating you and not caring about you is when I stop engaging and let you do whatever you want.”


I love this one. I'm using it verbatim! Thanks!


I hope it works. With my kid it would have backfired because his outburst were always about self esteem. Logic and reason miss the point.

YMMV
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 21:16     Subject: daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:After being corrected/disciplined (and I'm NOT talking any sort of severe punishment) she'll say stuff like "I know you hate me, why don't you just say it?" or "wouldn't your life be easier if I were never born? Just think, you'd never have to deal with any of this."

I don't know what to do.


“You say this each time you are corrected or punished. Let me be clear: It is because I love you that I do this. If I don’t set boundaries and give consequences, you’ll get the message that this behavior is okay. It’s not. And if it’s allowed to continue, the consequences later on in life will get bigger. The time you should worry about me hating you and not caring about you is when I stop engaging and let you do whatever you want.”


I love this one. I'm using it verbatim! Thanks!
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 19:57     Subject: daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I know it's dramatic, over the top, silly, etc. But these are real emotions that a real person is feeling. This is her reaction, so try to take a breath, take it in, and respond in the most present, mature, compassionate way that you can.

I will never, ever forget a time when I was genuinely trying to tell my dad that something he said had hurt me. He laughed at me. To this day, I think it's the worst I've ever felt, and I've suffered some true losses and difficulties over the years.




You can roll your eyes all you want and be as hard ass as you please, but you don't seem to remember being a teenager. These are almost adults. They have opinions and feelings, some of which are intense and that's a result of biology. Go ahead and minimize them. See what that gets you.

As for the OP, I suggest picking battles but also just reiterating you don't hate her. I try to tell my DC that she has to accept corrections and criticisms when she's wrong. It's my job to ensure she doesn't grow up to be a jerk or to make XXX mistake. I tell her to take a breath and relax. If I hear some sort of statement several times then we have a sep discussion as to what she means, how she's feeling, etc. Maybe I've said something that came off in a way I didn't mean? Maybe she's just being dramatic? Whatever. Being a parent requires more than just dictating orders and barking condescending remarks.


I remember it well. I have teens. None of us were/are unstable or rude in this way. I was not traumatized by my parents. You guys are raising snowflakes.






Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 19:52     Subject: daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined
My reaction would depend on the child. Some kids are trying to deflect or perhaps manipulate. These kids need a "tough love approach."

Other kids are coming from a place of anxiety or low self esteem. They are so uncertain that reasonable boundaries feel like a rejection. That type of child needs love and reassurance while you still hold firm on the consequence.

OP, you know your child, which one seems like a better fit?
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 17:06     Subject: Re:daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I used to be like this and it had nothing to do with manipulation but how I felt my mom treated me most of the day.


This, something the parent is doing triggers the child to feel this way so parent needs to react differently and try other ways to better meet child's needs.


+1 This doesn't mean the parent is "wrong" or "unjustified" but they are the adult, and they are failing to achieve their parenting goals. That's reason enough for reflection and change.



If OP keeps ignoring, her daughter is gonna end up with developmental trauma
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 17:06     Subject: Re:daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I used to be like this and it had nothing to do with manipulation but how I felt my mom treated me most of the day.


This, something the parent is doing triggers the child to feel this way so parent needs to react differently and try other ways to better meet child's needs.


+1 This doesn't mean the parent is "wrong" or "unjustified" but they are the adult, and they are failing to achieve their parenting goals. That's reason enough for reflection and change.