Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think about the effect on the kids. Attention, etc. It's not all about you.

FWIW my parents are both from families of four, as is my husband, and they had wonderful childhoods, are super close to their siblings and parents. They all have great individual relationships with their parents and I don't think they feel like they got "lost".

My closest friend is the youngest of four and never felt fully appreciated by her parents. Felt like she was largely raised by older siblings. YMMV.

Why are people having 3 kids, let alone 4, with all the environmental problems we face? I don't get it.

Anonymous wrote:Wrong place to ask, OP. DCUM viscerally hates bigger families.

Nobody viscerally hates big families. I hate people who use religion to pressure families to have more children than they want, and people who can't give their kids enough attention.

We had a surprise 4th (very close in age to our 3rd). Nearly a decade later, I can report 4 kids is the perfect number for us. Great balance. Not overwhelming. The only real added cost is college. #InstateTuition

Honestly 2 kids is more than enough. Anything more than that passes into breeder/animalistic territory.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...how did it turn out 2, 10, 20 years later? Any advice for those trying to make the call?

For advice:

1) Consider your finances - how will having another child affect your ability to do what you do now and save for college and retirement?

2) Consider how much time you and your spouse spend alone together now - do you ever find time for just the two of you and will you be able to do that again if you add a fourth to the mix?

3) Consider how far apart your kids are in age - there are pros and cons to having them close or far apart for a fourth but it's just something to mull through and think about the affect of adding a baby to your life right now.

4) Consider what kinds of activities your kids are in - will you be able to get everyone where they need to go if you have four kids going in four different directions?

5) Consider what your life will be like in 2, 10, and 20 years - do you want to have a one-year old two years from now and do you want to have a kid just graduating from high school in 20 years?

Honestly, no one can answer this question for you because only you know your particular situation.

My brother and his wife had 4. They are a great team, OK finances, he has significant job security. That said Kid 2 is autistic, Kid 3 had a stroke and Kid 4 currently has a fused skull. They are constantly dealing with a lot of extra issues; the maternal grandmother flies in a lot to help, as does the aunt. SIL is SAHM and my brother is very hands on, teaches, does sports with them and they are active in their church community. They have a lot of fun, but I don't hear about the diagnoses updates until the end. SIL talks to her mother on the phone daily.

I posted earlier about being happy with three, and I think the focus on the long-term misses the point. There's a long, LONG time between now and 2060, or whenever those imagined big family holidays with functional adult kids and grandkids will be. A long time. You have to raise your kids to get there. It's not just about getting through the newborn phase, it's about raising your kids into early adulthood; even then, parents are parents for life. Adding a fourth person into the mix is a big deal. Mosey on over to the Midlife (or whatever it's called now) forum and see the parents upset that their adult children don't want to spend time with them. Don't have children because of what you imagine their and your future to be, and think about the practical reality of raising kids.

Also, OP, part of my reason for not having a fourth is that I really value my workouts. It's not shallow to prioritize my health and to consider the effect a fourth child would have on my ability to do that (or to sleep well, etc.). I want to be there for the kids I have now as long as possible.

Anonymous wrote:Wrong place to ask, OP. DCUM viscerally hates bigger families.

Almost all of the responses have been people saying they love their large families or were thinking of having a fourth. You have reading comprehension issues.

Wrong place to ask, OP. DCUM viscerally hates bigger families.

Anonymous wrote:Think about the effect on the kids. Attention, etc. It's not all about you.

FWIW my parents are both from families of four, as is my husband, and they had wonderful childhoods, are super close to their siblings and parents. They all have great individual relationships with their parents and I don't think they feel like they got "lost".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11 years in, and she's my second favorite. Glad we did it.

You rank your kids???

Eh. If it makes you feel any better the favorite one is grown and has moved out. So she's the active favorite.

Hah! You remind me of my dad. He’s always talked like this about us and it drives my mom and other pearl clutchers nuts, but my sibs and I love it. Anytime we do anything questionable we’ll say, “your turn to be the favorite now, dad’s gonna drop me down the rankings.” We’re all in our 30s now with kids and my dad still does it.

Sometimes I invite them to become my favorite. "Whoever gets that basket of laundry folded will be my favorite tonight and get to choose where we go for dinner." Hey, it motivates.

Think about the effect on the kids. Attention, etc. It's not all about you.

What changed our minds from wanting 4 was that we felt the financial burden of 1, 2, and 3 wasn't nearly as great as adding the 4th. With 4, you must have a large 3-row vehicle even when traveling. You cannot fit into a standard taxi or European hotel room so it means always having 2 of both. While you can always choose to rent a larger vehicle, 2 hotel rooms, etc. it's a choice with less then 4 kids and not a requirement. We felt strongly about the experiences we hoped to give our children and think 4 would not allow us to do it. If we were rich, I wouldn't let finances hold us back, but unfortunately it's something we have to consider.

Anonymous wrote:I have 3. Youngest will be 3 this fall. I am 34 and have those same thoughts about putting up with short term pain and chaos for that bustling Thanksgiving table 20 years from now or that indescribable bliss of a newborn. But then I took an honest look at my comfort level with 3 and ability to handle the fighting, competing emotional needs and my own personal goals... not renovating my kitchen or travel but other things... and realized the family growing chapter is done. Also the fear of someone falling into cracks with 4. Maybe Ill channel my baby love into postpartum doula work.

similar

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just turned 39 as well and have 3, though my youngest is only 1 1/2. We're done barring an oops. I would be content with a 4th, but I'm also looking forward to moving into the next phase of life. And, as someone who had the 3rd at two years older than you, OP, it was hard on my body and I bounced back more slowly than with the first two. I'm back now, but boy.... recovering from that 3rd one while pushing 40... really made me feel old.

Op here, yeah I feel ya — my body is not back but could and would definitely get way worse.

Still, in 2060, am I going to be like “so glad I kept sculpting my still mildly squishy abs and got to renovate my kitchen in 2023?” Because it feels like that is what I would be trading the baby for. The sick part is that I’m not really joking. Working out and decorating are things that I really enjoy and thought I would do in my 40s. The idea of having to talk about things like teething with much younger moms is also so unappealing. And yet...babies are such miracles and this is the only chance. Alas, no, I can’t get the same feeling from holding somebody else’s.

DH and I tried for a 4th, had a miscarriage and didn't try again. I always wanted a big family, but the miscarriage made me realize I was wanting a 4th baby to extend the family we already had, but that wasn't a guarantee. Even if you take out the big 'what ifs' of having a child with serious disabilities, or having multiples instead of just 1, there was also the risk that the child we had would just be a jerk or otherwise ruin the good thing we had going.

I don't regret sticking with 3 at all.