Anonymous wrote:I have never had a "confrontation," big or otherwise, with a relative or inlaw.

Maybe if you're asking this question you need to think about what is the problem with you that you think that having a "confrontation" is normal or typical. Because it isn't.

Wow. Well now I can see that at least one of the upsides of coming from a dysfunctional family is it can teach you to have empathy for others, to imagine their pain and the difficulty of their situation. Whereas coming from a "normal" family might inoculate you from such humanity and turn you into an unfeeling robot who looks down on others less perfect than you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother’s second marriage was to someone she met online and knew for fewer than 6 months before getting engaged. They lived thousands of miles apart and had spent about two long weekends together in person before the wedding.The guy gave me serious conman vibes. So I “spoke now” instead of “forever holding my peace,” but I did so well in advance of the wedding.

I thought hard about not attending the ceremony, but I decided to go. My feeling was that to skip it was to end my relationship with my mother. For the life of her husband, I stayed distant but supportive. We saw each other much less often, and I was less forthcoming about my personal life with her. We’ll never be as close as we once were, but it’s perhaps healthier for us both this way.

So... was the husband a conman or not? Were you wrong or right?

Before the wedding he hit up a relative for money. That relative got sketched out and hired a PI. The relative claimed the PI’s report was bonkers but also never fully revealed what it found and won’t discuss it to this day.

Some things we don’t know because this man has since died. He didn’t take money or property from my mother, which was my chief concern. When he died my mother found several forms of identification in different names, which she can’t explain. He was kind of a mess —estranged from adult children, strained relationships with siblings and their offspring. It’s not surprising because, conversationally, he was willing to die on every petty hill. One particularly memorable Christmas he got into a spat with my FiL. If I had to guess, it was some sort of personality disorder because his sense of boundaries was clearly off.

To the person wondering why I distanced myself from my mom, it was because the remarriage caused me to see her differently. It wasn’t her first rash or difficult choice. As an example, when I was a child, she once flew out of state to become engaged to someone she had never met (they had mutual friends in common, and it was before the Internet days). That man decided not to pursue it for whatever reason. The wedding was so dramatic that it caused me to step back and realize that she’s a person who can be erratic and have a poor sense of boundaries too. While I love her because she’s the only mother I have, I can’t get too close because it’s extremely stressful.

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother, under the direction of my mom, ordered me to cancel my wedding 2 months before my wedding date because I invited my father (they divorced when I was 15). I refused.

My mom then woke me up at 5 AM the next day and dragged me out of bed by my hair, saying she was calling the cops on me for “abusing” my grandmother.

I haven’t seen either of them since, 6 years later. My wedding went through as scheduled.

I did speak to my mom on the phone a few years later, and I told her I was really hurt by what she did, and also hurt that she’d never tried to contact me since (including when I almost died in childbirth and was in the hospital for a week and baby was in NICU for extended period of time).

She claimed all of it was my fault, that I banned her from my wedding, that I hid my child from her, that she was 100% the victim of my “abuse”.

I don’t think I’ll ever see her again or that things will ever be worked out.

I'm sorry, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Had a fight with MIL before wedding - she exceeded her guest list and asked me to solve the problem by uninviting some guests. This came right after she argued with me that my parents' name should not be on the invitation as they were not paying for it (nor was she but guessing she was claiming space on invitation as they were hosting rehearsal dinner - "people need to know who to thank"). She apologized, we moved on, and now largely have a good relationship.

Her daughter OTOH remains a piece of work. She resented having to share the attention of her dad, brother, and husband when I came along - or at least that's what DH and I concluded. She told her kids to never refer to me by aunt. She asked DH for money for her DCs' birthdays/holidays but gives hand me down toys to her nieces and nephews (and I would not have a problem here if money was issue, but it is not - she just wants to purge her house and has decided that our DCs should be the recipients). She does not show up for our family events but will make a scene if we do not attend for her family. And none of that covers the stunts she pulled at our wedding. Sometimes when I am riding our DCs, DH suggests i let up and I respond that I will do anything within my power for our DCs to not grow up to be as selfish and as self-involved as his sister. He gets it.

I recognize you, PP, from other threads you’ve posted on. It’s great you worked it out with MIL. Is your SIL the one who insisted you all drive up for her son’s bar mitzvah during final exam time? What did she do at your wedding?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wasn't an all-out confrontation with shouting, etc., but I did tell my MIL and her boyfriend that he wasn't welcome at my house until he could stop saying racist and homophobic things. I am not white and neither are my children. He now comes to visit, but aside from laying on the couch and watching Fox News all day long, keeps his racist thoughts to himself.

Why the hell do you allow him to turn on Fox News and your home? I love my parents but I avoid going to their houses because that’s all that’s ever on and it’s so sad and hateful. It’s news for stupid people I cannot imagine actively allowing someone to turn that crap on in my house.

+1.

Don't forget CNN, and MSNBC equally nauseating and fake.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wasn't an all-out confrontation with shouting, etc., but I did tell my MIL and her boyfriend that he wasn't welcome at my house until he could stop saying racist and homophobic things. I am not white and neither are my children. He now comes to visit, but aside from laying on the couch and watching Fox News all day long, keeps his racist thoughts to himself.

Why the hell do you allow him to turn on Fox News and your home? I love my parents but I avoid going to their houses because that’s all that’s ever on and it’s so sad and hateful. It’s news for stupid people I cannot imagine actively allowing someone to turn that crap on in my house.

+1.

Anonymous wrote:My mother’s second marriage was to someone she met online and knew for fewer than 6 months before getting engaged. They lived thousands of miles apart and had spent about two long weekends together in person before the wedding.The guy gave me serious conman vibes. So I “spoke now” instead of “forever holding my peace,” but I did so well in advance of the wedding.

I thought hard about not attending the ceremony, but I decided to go. My feeling was that to skip it was to end my relationship with my mother. For the life of her husband, I stayed distant but supportive. We saw each other much less often, and I was less forthcoming about my personal life with her. We’ll never be as close as we once were, but it’s perhaps healthier for us both this way.

So you told your mom off about marrying her DH and now distance yourself and withhold info about yourself just because she married someone quickly? You sound like a brat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never had a "confrontation," big or otherwise, with a relative or inlaw.

Maybe if you're asking this question you need to think about what is the problem with you that you think that having a "confrontation" is normal or typical. Because it isn't.

What? How is it not normal or typical to confront someone you love about a difficult issue?

Why do you feel the need to "confront" instead of have a reasonable discussion? That's a problem with you if you think it is normal or typical to "confront" people about something.

Darling, don't you think it depends on what the something is? Should the poster on the first page have "gently approached" her father about his sexual abuse of her? Or was she right in confronting him?

GTFO.

Now you're being hyperbolic and condescending to divert the discussion, and a furtherance of your "confront" model. Hhhhmmmm. What does that say about you? 99.99999% of situations in life don't require an approach of "confront." If "confront" is your modus operandi then that is a problem with you, not with the other person.

Oh yes, you're such a peacemaker that your contribution to this thread has been...nothing short of confrontational, really. Go look in a mirror.

Anonymous wrote:This wasn't an all-out confrontation with shouting, etc., but I did tell my MIL and her boyfriend that he wasn't welcome at my house until he could stop saying racist and homophobic things. I am not white and neither are my children. He now comes to visit, but aside from laying on the couch and watching Fox News all day long, keeps his racist thoughts to himself.

Why the hell do you allow him to turn on Fox News and your home? I love my parents but I avoid going to their houses because that’s all that’s ever on and it’s so sad and hateful. It’s news for stupid people I cannot imagine actively allowing someone to turn that crap on in my house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never had a "confrontation," big or otherwise, with a relative or inlaw.

Maybe if you're asking this question you need to think about what is the problem with you that you think that having a "confrontation" is normal or typical. Because it isn't.

What? How is it not normal or typical to confront someone you love about a difficult issue?

Why do you feel the need to "confront" instead of have a reasonable discussion? That's a problem with you if you think it is normal or typical to "confront" people about something.

Darling, don't you think it depends on what the something is? Should the poster on the first page have "gently approached" her father about his sexual abuse of her? Or was she right in confronting him?

GTFO.

Now you're being hyperbolic and condescending to divert the discussion, and a furtherance of your "confront" model. Hhhhmmmm. What does that say about you? 99.99999% of situations in life don't require an approach of "confront." If "confront" is your modus operandi then that is a problem with you, not with the other person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother’s second marriage was to someone she met online and knew for fewer than 6 months before getting engaged. They lived thousands of miles apart and had spent about two long weekends together in person before the wedding.The guy gave me serious conman vibes. So I “spoke now” instead of “forever holding my peace,” but I did so well in advance of the wedding.

I thought hard about not attending the ceremony, but I decided to go. My feeling was that to skip it was to end my relationship with my mother. For the life of her husband, I stayed distant but supportive. We saw each other much less often, and I was less forthcoming about my personal life with her. We’ll never be as close as we once were, but it’s perhaps healthier for us both this way.

So... was the husband a conman or not? Were you wrong or right?

Yes, got to know! Did this guy turn out to be ok?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never had a "confrontation," big or otherwise, with a relative or inlaw.

Maybe if you're asking this question you need to think about what is the problem with you that you think that having a "confrontation" is normal or typical. Because it isn't.

What? How is it not normal or typical to confront someone you love about a difficult issue?

Why do you feel the need to "confront" instead of have a reasonable discussion? That's a problem with you if you think it is normal or typical to "confront" people about something.

Darling, don't you think it depends on what the something is? Should the poster on the first page have "gently approached" her father about his sexual abuse of her? Or was she right in confronting him?

GTFO.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never had a "confrontation," big or otherwise, with a relative or inlaw.

Maybe if you're asking this question you need to think about what is the problem with you that you think that having a "confrontation" is normal or typical. Because it isn't.

What? How is it not normal or typical to confront someone you love about a difficult issue?

Why do you feel the need to "confront" instead of have a reasonable discussion? That's a problem with you if you think it is normal or typical to "confront" people about something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wasn't an all-out confrontation with shouting, etc., but I did tell my MIL and her boyfriend that he wasn't welcome at my house until he could stop saying racist and homophobic things. I am not white and neither are my children. He now comes to visit, but aside from laying on the couch and watching Fox News all day long, keeps his racist thoughts to himself.

I never understood this. If you visited them, would he be OK with you watching MSNBC? I doubt it. So why let him get away with this at your place?

Because Fox News has news programs and opinion programs. MSNBC is all opinion.

I am aware of the opinion shows, but when does Fox run their news programs?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A huge fight over how he was attacking friends of mine on FB over his Trump BS. I stayed away from his page, and asked him politely - repeatedly - to keep his crap off mine. But he just couldn’t stop. Then I started getting private messages about how I “needed to listen to [my] elders” (I was 47) and comments like how people like him with guns “weren’t going to take crap anymore.” But he was almost a bigot, racist and misogynist. Trump just made him feel like he could be more open about it. So yeah, done and blocked. Haven’t spoken to him since. Fallout - some tense times with his kids, but mostly they were ok to me. Things with them are almost back to normal. I’ve never regretted cutting him out. There were plenty of reasons to before, so no regrets.

Was this an uncle or an in-law?

The proverbial “everyone’s got that one racist uncle.” He was technically an in-law, married to my aunt. But he was around well before I was born, so always just my uncle.

I have an uncle like this. Once when I was in college in the late 90s, he said something particularly gross to me in a campaign year. I donated to Carl Levin's senate campaign in his name, and he spent the next several years complaining about the mail he would get from Levin and the Democratic Party. It was AMAZING. The gift that kept right on giving.