I could have written this about my MIL.

Knowing the way things usually work, I would have talked to DH before planning something else for that weekend. I'm a planner, so MIL's lack of doing so aggravates me.

This time though, just go yourself. Don't negotiate. Tell your mom "I guess next year we'll have to touch base earlier."

Why didn't you solidify plans? How long ago did your wife plan her trip?

vtbigdog wrote:OK, I need some help on this...

My father's birthday weekend is usually around the 29th and it is the one time we usually book out to visit them on a regular basis (usually just a day trip). We do not do much with my family and do a lot with her family.

My wife goes ahead and invites her friend to go to her parent's house for that weekend without asking me. It is the weekend we usually go to my parents for a day to celebrate my dad's birthday. However, my mom never plans this out with us and expects us to automatically show up. Since my bother is the golden child and will be there (everything revolves around him and his plans) I am expected to be there. My mom never asks will it work for us, but if it works my brother I am suppose to drop everything and show up. After basically not inviting us to show up on Saturday because they want to head out early for a special spot on the lake and need to get a mooring, my mom expects us to show up for all of Sunday.

My wife on the other hand invited her friend for the entire weekend to her parents' house and now I am stuck negotiating between both of them. The houses are 45 minutes apart. If I did not have kids, I would say screw it and go fishing in another 100s of miles away.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

It's your dad's birthday - go for the day trip as usual. I think it's on your wife for not checking with you.

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess. You waited until today to address it? Your wife planned a reasonable amount ahead of time.

I am curious when you started planning? Cause today is the 23rd and you say your fathers birthday is the 29th. If you are planning to celebrate the weekend before, you haven’t even made plans a week out. Wife probably realizes more advance planning is needed to clear weekend calendars with kids, and has done so.
And you only appear to respond to people who tell you you’re right.

Anonymous wrote:

vtbigdog wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is asking for help on a board of people who mostly favor the wife, always.

She was wrong to make plans without asking you, even if your yearly plans were not in play. She also knows you have annual plans, so she did this on purpose. Find out why she acted that way. Was she trying to make a point to your parents about them not formally extending an invitation? Was she making a point to you about not wanting to go? Without that information everything else is just noise.

Also, stop going to her family's so much if you don't want to. She can go herself, just like you can go yourself to your parents'.

Thank you for the excellent advice.

I use to go to her parents' less before kids. I love being with my kids so that it is sometimes why I just suck the craziness and go.

Interesting that the only response you respond favorably to is the one that validates your feelings. Says all I need to know.
Here are the things I know from your posts:
-you don't make plans for your family. Your wife does. And she did.
-maybe it was a "standing weekend" for your dad's birthday. But, it's not a national holiday and he's an adult. Celebrate another day. Or if not, you go and take the kids. Tell your parents that "wife already had plans." Do not bad mouth her to parents.
-Your wife maybe was rude not to check first knowing the standing dates (or thereabouts). But the dates are ambiguous, as you acknowledge. If you wanted to reserved the weekend, YOU take the lead and block it off and make the plans. You know that now so do it.

In short, all three parties here bear some fault in failing to properly communicate and just expecting/assuming others will do things. Learn from it, move on.

+100

vtbigdog wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is asking for help on a board of people who mostly favor the wife, always.

She was wrong to make plans without asking you, even if your yearly plans were not in play. She also knows you have annual plans, so she did this on purpose. Find out why she acted that way. Was she trying to make a point to your parents about them not formally extending an invitation? Was she making a point to you about not wanting to go? Without that information everything else is just noise.

Also, stop going to her family's so much if you don't want to. She can go herself, just like you can go yourself to your parents'.

Thank you for the excellent advice.

I use to go to her parents' less before kids. I love being with my kids so that it is sometimes why I just suck the craziness and go.

Interesting that the only response you respond favorably to is the one that validates your feelings. Says all I need to know.
Here are the things I know from your posts:
-you don't make plans for your family. Your wife does. And she did.
-maybe it was a "standing weekend" for your dad's birthday. But, it's not a national holiday and he's an adult. Celebrate another day. Or if not, you go and take the kids. Tell your parents that "wife already had plans." Do not bad mouth her to parents.
-Your wife maybe was rude not to check first knowing the standing dates (or thereabouts). But the dates are ambiguous, as you acknowledge. If you wanted to reserved the weekend, YOU take the lead and block it off and make the plans. You know that now so do it.

In short, all three parties here bear some fault in failing to properly communicate and just expecting/assuming others will do things. Learn from it, move on.

Anonymous wrote:I've never heard of celebrating adult people's birthdays. Unless it's a big milestone, like 100. Why don't you just swap holidays between families, like normal people?

Only narcs celebrate as adults and expect other adults to clear their weekends for them.

It is quite obvious from an outsiders perspective that OP really doesn't want to go and is happy to have his wife be his scape goat about what is clearly his family's and his noncommunication/mistreatement of adults.

If his mom really wanted to celebrate the birthday you don't just assume people will clear their calendars (life happens especially with kids). You let people know in advance what day, what time, whats included in the activity. If you schedule something without letting people actually know then you really need to be ok with people not showing up. It sounds like they don't even want OP there on Saturday. So his wife should just sit around waiting for her inlaws to make plans and then exclude them from part of the party?

OP, your mom seems like a narc and you the perpetual victim. Your wife never told you not to go. Go if it means so much to you to celebrate part of Sunday with a family who doesn't even care enough about you to invite you to Saturday fund.
Go, go and feel like crap next to your golden brother, listen to your mom complain all day about something and your dad probally doesn't give a rats ass and prefers to nap all day.
You have the issue, you solve it. But to be honest, your family does not sound any better than your 'crazy' inlaws. At least they seem to love and want to see their kid.

I've never heard of celebrating adult people's birthdays. Unless it's a big milestone, like 100. Why don't you just swap holidays between families, like normal people?

Anonymous wrote:You don’t sound happy with your parents anyway, so either go alone or stay home. Time for your parents to negotiate plans.

NP +1

If you don't enjoy spending time with your parents, why should your wife??? At least it sounds like SHE enjoys spending time with her "crazy parents". And it sounds like she's got a nice plan lined up for the kid.

I seriously cannot imagine being in a marriage that operates like this. Don’t you guys TALK to each other? You are both guilty.

Anonymous wrote:No, I've never said that to them, but I do go off on their behavior, action, bad choice, irresponsible, or whatever. And even while I'm admonishing her, I still weave in an affirmation ("Larla, you know I've always trusted you with X and im so proud you've been saving and I know YZ is tempting, but you shouldn't have done ABC! Why in the world would you especially since I specifically not to?").

Love the sinner, hate the sin.

Sorty, wrong post

No, I've never said that to them, but I do go off on their behavior, action, bad choice, irresponsible, or whatever. And even while I'm admonishing her, I still weave in an affirmation ("Larla, you know I've always trusted you with X and im so proud you've been saving and I know YZ is tempting, but you shouldn't have done ABC! Why in the world would you especially since I specifically not to?").

Love the sinner, hate the sin.

Op it is on you to ring up ahead of time and organise the weekend. As it is an annual thing yes I think your wife is being passive aggressive by booking in something else without first checking in with you.

I wouldn't put this between your wife and your mom. This is really up to you to fix.

I would go the other weekend to see your Dad for his birthday. Your wife has already made plans, so go the other weekend or the next weekend.

It doesn't sound like you enjoy celebrating with your golden child brother anyway. If you can't make it this year, so be it. Your still visiting, your just doing it on your schedule. It's one year, it really doesn't matter if you are a weekend late.

If your mom complains then tell her that you have a busy family now and she will need to get in touch with you sooner to give the dates of things she is organising if she wants you to attend.

Stand by your wife's prior commitments and make another date to visit for your dad's birthday. Oh and you are the one that communicates this to your wife and your mother. It actually is your responsibility, no one else's.

Do you honestly even want to go? The way you present the way your own family treats you sounds horrible and like you are an afterthought.
Spend it fishing, let your wife enjoy her weekend and maybe next year Mommy will include you in the planning. If not, well, you know for certain how much they really want you to be involved with the family.

Don't you and your wife have a calendar? You both screwed up (but you more than her). If this weekend was set for your father's birthday, then *YOU* should have blocked the calendar. Your wife definitely should have run the weekend by you, but maybe she's tired of never being in the loop on when she's expected to be at your family's with no advance notice.

The schedule snafu seems like less of a big deal that you and your wife clearly don't know how to communicate and seemingly have a ton of resentment.