One of my best friends from high school did. Married at 42 and had kids at 43 and 44.

Actually I think OP’s question should be: How can I support a friend who is going through a devastating loss and grieving the loss of a dream to have a child?

Barring some Hollywood miracle, it’s highly unlikely that she will meet someone who is interested in pursuing a life together that includes a child AND that she has no issue getting and sustaining a pregnancy.

If your friend immediately started IUIs with donor sperm every month she might be able to have a biological (genetically her own) child. If she waits for divorce, new relationship, marriage, TTC... the odds are minuscule.

These questions and debates are all academic. It doesn't matter how many other women gave birth to biological children over 40. To your friend it only matters what her own reproductive system is like at that age. She should go to an RE to get some numbers and see what her options are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, could you clarify your original statement about how she is not in a financial position to have a child on her own? Does that mean she can’t afford (or just doesn’t like) adoption? Can’t afford IVF/donor eggs? Or can afford all that, but doesn’t think she has enough money to raise a child to adulthood on her own?

She has no interest of being a single mother. Second, she can’t afford the actual fertility treatment or the childcare on her own.

Like many women, she wanted the family and realization that it probably won’t happen is devastating. I’m sure she will have to compromise eventually.

I feel for her, I do, but also: you can't have everything you want in life. It doesn't work that way. There's nothing wrong with being a single mother. Does her insurance cover art? There are also loans.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, could you clarify your original statement about how she is not in a financial position to have a child on her own? Does that mean she can’t afford (or just doesn’t like) adoption? Can’t afford IVF/donor eggs? Or can afford all that, but doesn’t think she has enough money to raise a child to adulthood on her own?

She has no interest of being a single mother. Second, she can’t afford the actual fertility treatment or the childcare on her own.

Like many women, she wanted the family and realization that it probably won’t happen is devastating. I’m sure she will have to compromise eventually.

How long has she been married?

Anonymous wrote:My friend had a baby at 42. No one but her very closest friends know that she used a donor egg. Everyone thinks she is a “unicorn” but she’s just a beneficiary of reproductive science, like most people.

Nah. People are just too polite to say anything. As they should be.

Anonymous wrote:OP, could you clarify your original statement about how she is not in a financial position to have a child on her own? Does that mean she can’t afford (or just doesn’t like) adoption? Can’t afford IVF/donor eggs? Or can afford all that, but doesn’t think she has enough money to raise a child to adulthood on her own?

She has no interest of being a single mother. Second, she can’t afford the actual fertility treatment or the childcare on her own.

Like many women, she wanted the family and realization that it probably won’t happen is devastating. I’m sure she will have to compromise eventually.

Yeah, if she didn't have kids in a marriage that ended at 41.75, it's not going to happen.

Also, donor sperm is much less effective than the fresh stuff, so donor sperm and IUI at 42 doesn't have much chance of happening.

I think she's got to get real. Either she bends on donor eggs or adoption or she's not going to have kids.

Maybe she should come to accept that kids are not in the cards. Or maybe she should have a baby on her own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's a huge difference between age 40 and "almost 42" in this scenario, unfortunately.

It certainly isn't impossible, but it is going to be very unlikely.

She is 41.75 years old and will probably be 42 by the time divorce is finalized. I think it will take her time to be even ready to start dating again and then to find a guy who wants to start trying for a baby immediately seems like it would be very difficult.

She met her husband on a dating app and they did want the family. I think the problem was they were more in love with the idea of marriage that they weren’t in love with one another. Or so the husband says. Baby did not happen immediately and fertility problems magnified everything that was wrong with the relationship. Family and finances were big ones.

OP, like others on this thread I deeply sympathize with your friend, but when I read stuff like what I bolded above, I think it’s extremely important for your friend to do a serious reassessment. As a PP pointed out, she needs to get through this divorce, she needs some time to heal, and throughout she needs to be doing therapy. While PPs have shown that it is mathematically possible, I think your friend will not be able to find a good partner in her current mindset. It seems that the first marriage was problematic because the drive for a bio child superseded any of the other things that make a good marriage.

It clear what your friend wants as it’s what most people would want. If she refuses to consider any alternatives, it could lead to disaster.
Wiser for her to first just take some time off and heal, and then decide what’s most important.
Marriage to a life partner
Having a biological child
It’s possible she could get both, but more realistic and healthy for her to make a decision which of the two is her top priority and make that the focus for the next few years—again, AFTER she’s done some healing time post-divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's a huge difference between age 40 and "almost 42" in this scenario, unfortunately.

It certainly isn't impossible, but it is going to be very unlikely.

She is 41.75 years old and will probably be 42 by the time divorce is finalized. I think it will take her time to be even ready to start dating again and then to find a guy who wants to start trying for a baby immediately seems like it would be very difficult.

She met her husband on a dating app and they did want the family. I think the problem was they were more in love with the idea of marriage that they weren’t in love with one another. Or so the husband says. Baby did not happen immediately and fertility problems magnified everything that was wrong with the relationship. Family and finances were big ones.

So she already had fertility problems and she wants to have a baby around 44? Zero chance.

It was from lack of sex and sperm count. She later shared they stopped having sex and that is why they didn’t seek treatment sooner. They went to initial fertility appointments and then he just called it quits.

Listen, OP, men are overrated and your friend is out of time. I would strongly encourage IUI + donor sperm.

I literally cannot imagine having a baby at freaking 45. Life is life, I get it, you can’t always plan differently but man, that has got to be absolutely exhausting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend had a baby at 42. No one but her very closest friends know that she used a donor egg. Everyone thinks she is a “unicorn” but she’s just a beneficiary of reproductive science, like most people.

This. I am 44 and 8 mo pregnant. Donor eggs. Nobody knows about the donor part. People assume a successful IVF. I havent even told my own mother. I am a “unicorn”

Your friend had to let go of some of her rigid requirements.

Sorry, no one believes that a 44 year old is pregnant with her own eggs.

I had my third child at 45. Everybody believes it’s mine because she looks similar to her sisters.

What people are surprised to learn is my age. I don’t think I look much younger but people assume a certain age when they see you with a baby. So, in my experience people are much more likely to underestimate mothers age than to think she used donor eggs.

I am sorry for your friend. Her ex husband is still her best bet for children. It’s not only about her current age - that is bad enough but she will need a lot of time to find a good man who wants a family yet won’t get upset if he doesn’t get it. It sucks. But most good men are already taken and have been for a while.

a year makes a huge difference at this point . A lot of you are saying your sister had her first at 40 or got married at 40 and had had her first at 42. This woman is already 43. BEST case scenarios is she rushes into something with a “good enough “ guy and has her first somewhere around 43/44. And that’s hard.

Op, I feel for her. I don’t know if it’s in her cards. A guy who wants kids at this age (and with someone her age- sorry, it’s true, most mid 40s dudes would pick a younger woman to mother their child if they even want kids) is few and far between. She has to meet him, get comfortable and get him to agree to kids within about a year to have even the remotest chance, which isn’t emotionally healthy.

There’s no way in her position she’s going to get the never married guys with no kids who are catches. She won’t. So she might be stuck coparenting a kid later with a guy she had the kid with out of desperation.

Her best bet is to try to her a good settlement in the divorce to do artificial insemination and have a baby alone. It’s not ideal but divorcing at 42 with no kids when you want them is not the ideal situation. She will never get the ideal situation at this point in her life. That ship sailed.