I’m a sahm with 3 children under 6. I can totally relate to your wife. Hiring help feels like more trouble than it’s worth right now. Having a housekeeper over means I have to declutter and get everyone out of the house (and with a baby on two naps a day that’s annoying). If I hire a sitter, I feel like I have to lay things out for her. Write down the schedule. Prep the food. Etc etc. Otherwise we’re both in the same place at the same time as I run the show and it’s not relaxing. Esp bc I don’t particularly like hanging out with 15 yr old babysitters. When we’re tag-teaming, I feel the need to make small talk... ask how her mother is doing... how’s lacrosse... and frankly, it’s exhausting.

As a PP mentioned, if she has ADD herself she’s not great with prioritizing things and time management. What should take a small amount of time could take hours and become a huge burden. Often the hours spent on these tasks (such as soccer coordination) yield very detailed, organized results though. Which is very much appreciated by other parents and perhaps gives her a boost of confidence? An area where she can feel successful! I have ADD and I speak from experience...
Also, is she an introvert? I am. Which is part of the reason I struggle with mothers helpers. I want to do it alone or have it all done for me while I’m in another part of the house or out of the house. It zaps *more* of my precious energy to have a “helper” in the house who needs guidance and I’m expected to be friendly with. Easier to just do it myself. Plus I can do the whole morning routine in my pajamas without brushing my teeth if my neighbor’s teenager isn’t coming over.

It’s all about conserving energy. The only way I think I would feel true relief right now is if I had a phenomenal full time nanny every day and we had a very clear black and white division of labor. Every day you do x and I do y. We don’t talk about it. Let yourself in. I don’t guide you. This person already knows the routine and where to find anything needed in the house. So there is no additional mental load, setting up, planning, and no small talk. And bc they’d be a permanent fixture vs an occasional visitor, they wouldn’t feel like “company”. Which relieves pressure for us introverts. We often feel like we need to be “on” around anyone who’s visiting the house. Eventually permanent fixtures allow us to be “off”.

Get a Mothers helper for 20 hours a week. Usually 12-15 yo kid who can be a second set of hands during bath time, dinner, lunch, etc. $10-15 an hour

Advertise on your neighborhood Facebook group or listserv.

Anonymous wrote:
Just throwing it out there: does your wife have ADHD?

I ask because when kids have diagnoses, parents have either tendencies or full-blown diagnoses as well. Your description of drowning in paperwork also raised a red flag. We ADHD people are terrible with paperwork, and it becomes a huge burden. Maybe that's the reason you're seeing it's a problem for her. My son was in multiple therapies and stuff when he was younger, and even though there really wasn't a lot of paperwork, it would take me a long time to deal with it, because of my ADHD.

So... if she has ADHD, medication might be in order. It will help her multitask, prioritize and push paper more efficiently.

Also anxiety. If she didn't have an anxiety disorder, she does now! With anxiety it's hard to figure out what to prioritize because you feel like it ALL NEEDS TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW.

Good for you, OP.

I think I would suggest a mother's helper too. Someone who clicks with the 4 year old, and can be a partner in his therapies.

It sounds like you already do a lot during the time you are at work, so just continue to make sure your wife gets down time.

I’m a SAHM of a 2yo and two elementary kids. My children do not have any special needs. Older kids are in a bunch of camps, we have housekeeper come every other week AND I have a pt sitter and I still feel like these kids are kicking my butt this summer.

I would get her a mother’s helper or sitter. Helper can do laundry or dishes or hold baby while your wife showers.

My sitter will watch my toddler who used to be a baby while I drive big kids around. It is awesome to go to target or wegmans without any children. I take some time for myself to work out, get my nails done or get a hair cut.

Anonymous wrote:You might want to move this to the SN forum. So many helpful tips on dealing w/ family life with 2+ SN kids.

Yes op you mentioned the asd diagnosis is new - if you haven’t accessed the special needs board here there really are some very helpful parents there! So many good tips

Are the therapeutic county camps for kids older than your DC? I know REC-PAC has some. Plus, the JCC has some too.

Anonymous wrote:I would hire someone to help with the other two kids.

+1

You might want to move this to the SN forum. So many helpful tips on dealing w/ family life with 2+ SN kids.

Anonymous wrote:Another thing: there are extended school year services for children with autism. It may not be too late to get your kid into this program for the summer. I’m in FCPS and I believe our ESY started after July 4th and goes through most of August. Is this something that you could push for with your middle child?

ESY is only 4 weeks and it is too late for this summer.

Think of it as partnering and not helping.

Just throwing it out there: does your wife have ADHD?

I ask because when kids have diagnoses, parents have either tendencies or full-blown diagnoses as well. Your description of drowning in paperwork also raised a red flag. We ADHD people are terrible with paperwork, and it becomes a huge burden. Maybe that's the reason you're seeing it's a problem for her. My son was in multiple therapies and stuff when he was younger, and even though there really wasn't a lot of paperwork, it would take me a long time to deal with it, because of my ADHD.

So... if she has ADHD, medication might be in order. It will help her multitask, prioritize and push paper more efficiently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have someone come to clean the house once a week, maybe schedule it when she is out at an appt or class.

Hire a sitter once or twice a week either for the baby while she is out with the other 2 or for the 8yo an baby while she is doing something with the 4yo.

You can always tell her to try it for a month and see how it goes.

To be clear, I dont mean not tell her, I mean tell her but have them come when she knows she will already be out.

If you do this you have to e the one to pick up the house before they come. Don’t make her scramble to de clutter when she already has other stuff to do.

Anonymous wrote:Well, it might help if you shift the way you think, feel and talk about parenting duties.

You aren't "helping her" with your kids, so much as you are taking responsibility for your kids. It's not some big favor you are doing, you don't get a medal, you're not a hero.

Look into hiring some help for the next few weeks.

It's like you didn't even read the post. Idiot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have a third kid when you are barely surviving?

Ugh. OP please ignore these trolls or they will take over the thread.

No, it's a fair question.

Why is it a fair question? Do you need the answer to formulate a helpful response to his question of what more he can do to help his wife? Of course you don't. What's the point of the question? The point is that you are superior, and to make the poster feel worse than he currently does. Is that your job? You sound like a self righteous ass. I cannot stand people like you. Get off your high horse. I guarantee you if we examined your life we could find TONS of decisions and actions that could be called questionable.

I get that it makes people uncomfortable, but it IS a fair question, and I say that as a parent. Too many people don't ask themselves this question and just assume that it will all work out somehow. Others consider the risks of having another child when one of theirs is already showing signs of needing extra help (autism diagnosis wasn't known till well into pregnancy but ASD diagnosis of middle child seems to have been known). I've had many friends in this type of situation ask themselves whether it is fair to their existing kid(s) to have another (and some decide it is). Regardless, OP is clearly a thoughtful person and gave a reasoned answer, so we can now move on.

So glad we got your approval.

Even if it were a fair question, this isn't the right time, person, or place to ask it. The time for asking the question was before third pregnancy. The person to ask the question is OP or OP's wife. The place for asking the question is with the stakeholders they designate (even if that is just the two of them).

There was nothing to be gained by the question other than some smug DCUM poster reminding everyone that while this site can be a great resource it is also tied directly to a sewage pipe of truly terrible people.


OP, what kind of options for her to get more sleep? Would a night nurse (or you) be possible? That was the biggest challenge in our house, at least that would be applicable to other homes. Eventually, we were able to work out a schedule where mom went to bed at 9 p.m. sharp and was off-duty until 3 a.m. (in pratice this generally meant 5 a.m. since DC fed at 2:00-2:30).