Anonymous
Post 07/23/2019 12:56     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'll respond to some of the comments. For many reasons, I don't think it was a friendzoned situation. Do you really think ANY woman would willingly admit that she's never had a relationship at her age? There are 5 million other things she could've told me during the brushoff. In fact, the fact that she did tell me that (over e-mail) leads me to believe that she has some trust in me.


If you haven't caught on by now, we work at the same place. She works for a different company, but in a totally different part of the building and I do not need to ever walk by that part unless I want to. If it were any closer than that, I wouldn't have ever pursued her.

The first time I expressed interested in her is after months of talking in person and then talking over our respective company e-mail accounts. One day I asked her out and for her phone number. She never gave it to me and I could tell she was flustered and didn't know how to respond to going out, so I let it be. But she continued to e-mail me as she had been doing. You can see how e-mail is a much safer medium as a phone number and texting seems to give too close of access. And then one day she initiated moving to our personal e-mail accounts. Stopping by my office. When she'd see me coming towards hers, she'd most often stand up and smooth out her dress and definitely try to flag down my attention. If I was stuck in meetings, she'd e-mail me asking me to come see her dress, etc.

A few months ago, I asked her out again after a period of intense flirtation, and this time she responded that she didn't want to be bf/gf right away and wanted to move "excruciatingly slowly". That right there shows her naivete and fear. I was never asking her to be in a relationship right away. Just out.

We continued e-mailing and I finally got her to stop by something I was doing at an event since it was close to where she lived. She did stop by for about 5 minutes and left, e-mailing me when she got home talking about how fun it was.

So my assessment is that she has that avoidant attachment personality where she cannot let anyone get close. Apparently it stems from how you were raised as a young child. I also think that added to this, as the years pile up without that experience, she has the added anxiety about how to even let someone in and go through the motions of a relationship. She has her own house, lives with a cat, has spent all of her life doing her own thing. If she is a virgin, there is that anxiety on top of that.

The other options is that she could've had some trauma in her past, but I don't get that vibe from her at all. The signs are not there. She could be asexual or lesbian. I also know from looking at her FB that she used to have more weight. Not fat by any stretch, but it's a big contrast to what she is now, which is a total stick. Not yet anorexic, but getting there.

I am well aware that I need to move on again, which I have begun to, but the fact that I am writing this at all indicates that I am not all the way there yet. I am not in the DC area where being a single older man is gold in terms of the dating market. Where I am at, the dating scene is tough. So there aren't a lot of great options out there and I really do like her.

But, for many reasons, I know I need to kill the hope. I am totally on board with the idea that unless the other person is "hell yes", then don't bother. You just end up tormenting yourself with someone who is ambivalent.

And at my age (41), I don't have time to f around either.






It would be interesting to know if she is, perhaps, working with a therapist or in some other way following a list of rules. . . sounds like it would be great if you could get her to agree to sit down and talk about the "excrutiatingly slowly" time line (wait, is it at all possible this is not anxiety/avoidance so much as an unusual way of exerting power/control? Could there be a dozen other guys she is doing something like this with, all at slightly different stages? ).
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2019 11:15     Subject: Re:Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
I really sympathize with her because I am very much like her. I recognized I was constantly sabotaging opportunities. I could not get past my insecurities, anxiety, and fear of rejection. She must recognize it on some level. How long have you known her? Not sure if she will get past it.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2019 19:00     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
OP here. To the PP, no, I can assure you I am the guy. I've just given it a lot of thought and read a lot online from other women who are like this. I am just trying to figure out a way in.

I am trying to decide if I keep going out of my way to stop by her office or not. To me, that seems like I am chasing her, even if it's friends. Maybe it would help to continue to go radio silent to know that she can't just string me along forever and instill some fear over losing my interest.

I have decided to at least stop paying her any compliments or doing any other sort of flirting. I will keep it friendship only. But she won't even agree to do anything outside of work. It's really hard to get to know someone without some in-person time outside of work.

Again, as I've said before, for my own sanity, I need to step back on this, stay friends, and focus romantically on other women.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2019 11:05     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
OP, if you’re interested, just start with a friendship. A true friendship. See where it goes. You don’t have to date her exclusively. But try to hang out with her more and get to know her. Seems you are fond of her.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2019 08:47     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
I have friends like this. They are lovely, but come from conservative families that have become more open minded over time.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2019 08:46     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'll respond to some of the comments. For many reasons, I don't think it was a friendzoned situation. Do you really think ANY woman would willingly admit that she's never had a relationship at her age? There are 5 million other things she could've told me during the brushoff. In fact, the fact that she did tell me that (over e-mail) leads me to believe that she has some trust in me.


If you haven't caught on by now, we work at the same place. She works for a different company, but in a totally different part of the building and I do not need to ever walk by that part unless I want to. If it were any closer than that, I wouldn't have ever pursued her.

The first time I expressed interested in her is after months of talking in person and then talking over our respective company e-mail accounts. One day I asked her out and for her phone number. She never gave it to me and I could tell she was flustered and didn't know how to respond to going out, so I let it be. But she continued to e-mail me as she had been doing. You can see how e-mail is a much safer medium as a phone number and texting seems to give too close of access. And then one day she initiated moving to our personal e-mail accounts. Stopping by my office. When she'd see me coming towards hers, she'd most often stand up and smooth out her dress and definitely try to flag down my attention. If I was stuck in meetings, she'd e-mail me asking me to come see her dress, etc.

A few months ago, I asked her out again after a period of intense flirtation, and this time she responded that she didn't want to be bf/gf right away and wanted to move "excruciatingly slowly". That right there shows her naivete and fear. I was never asking her to be in a relationship right away. Just out.

We continued e-mailing and I finally got her to stop by something I was doing at an event since it was close to where she lived. She did stop by for about 5 minutes and left, e-mailing me when she got home talking about how fun it was.

So my assessment is that she has that avoidant attachment personality where she cannot let anyone get close. Apparently it stems from how you were raised as a young child. I also think that added to this, as the years pile up without that experience, she has the added anxiety about how to even let someone in and go through the motions of a relationship. She has her own house, lives with a cat, has spent all of her life doing her own thing. If she is a virgin, there is that anxiety on top of that.

The other options is that she could've had some trauma in her past, but I don't get that vibe from her at all. The signs are not there. She could be asexual or lesbian. I also know from looking at her FB that she used to have more weight. Not fat by any stretch, but it's a big contrast to what she is now, which is a total stick. Not yet anorexic, but getting there.

I am well aware that I need to move on again, which I have begun to, but the fact that I am writing this at all indicates that I am not all the way there yet. I am not in the DC area where being a single older man is gold in terms of the dating market. Where I am at, the dating scene is tough. So there aren't a lot of great options out there and I really do like her.

But, for many reasons, I know I need to kill the hope. I am totally on board with the idea that unless the other person is "hell yes", then don't bother. You just end up tormenting yourself with someone who is ambivalent.

And at my age (41), I don't have time to f around either.


This reads like a rom-com written by a naïve woman. The details of it would be really strange for a guy to get into, and the phrasing echoes the things a woman would say if the woman is telling her own story:

"You can see how e-mail is a much safer medium as a phone number and texting seems to give too close of access. "

"That right there shows her naivete and fear."

"Apparently it stems from how you were raised as a young child. I also think that added to this, as the years pile up without that experience, she has the added anxiety about how to even let someone in and go through the motions of a relationship."


I just don't buy this is a guy who isn't even dating the woman yet. OP, are you the woman in question and trying it on for size, to see how other people would view the situation?
I
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2019 08:42     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
I think she likes you. But this is going to be slow and hard for you OP.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2019 08:26     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
Coming from someone who is sort of similar to this woman but not as extreme - you should move on, even if it sucks for this woman.

I was in a pretty similar situation recently. I'm 30, single, fit and attractive by most standards, and have only been in two relationships that didn't even make the one year mark (mainly because I moved around a lot) plus one very complicated friends-with-benefits thing. I was dating someone for just over a month and I just couldn't take the plunge into a full blown physical/sexual relationship with someone I otherwise really liked. I tried to give him a chance, keep seeing him, hope that I would suddenly really fall for him, but that never happened. I figure it's a combination of just not being all that into him plus not quite being over the complicated...thing...that had just ended.
It's one thing to give a few weeks or so to really get to know a person before opening up to them physically...it's another thing to keep stringing someone along waiting for some spark to ignite when it just doesn't. It's not your job to wait around for that.
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2019 18:02     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
Um she sounds nuts. She's had like more than half of her life to be in a relationship. Something is wrong and she knows how to flirt? Something very fishy.
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2019 16:31     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
Especially in my thirties, I’d take single and happy any day over dating. She’s probably just smart.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2019 17:55     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
OP here. Thanks again for all of the insight, especially from women. Especially those who had similar situations. That helps a lot.

As for autism, I have thought about that as well. Early on, after I'd have conversations with her at work, she'd often send me e-mails right after excitedly thanking me for the conversation. Who does that? I think to her it was a safe way of expressing interest.

As for the smoothing out of clothes, I kind of just chalk this up to the subconscious primping and preening that a person interested in someone does. And a way for her to highlight her body to get me to look at it. The same way she'd often stand up when she saw me coming.

When I asked her out and she thought I was implying to be a couple right away, in my efforts to clear it up, I told her that if she was ever interested, I'd let her set the pace. But she probably is still struck with fear that I'll just go after sex. And I'm much going after a relationship at this point.

But yeah, for my best interest, I have backed off and haven't seen or contacted her for two weeks now. I don't have time for this, especially when she might never come around. And there are other new options I am now pursuing.

Thanks again for the input. I'm kind of sad for her. There is no way even the most introverted and independent person can be completely happy going through life alone. I know this is especially worse for a lot of women. I hope that she can work through whatever she has to be willing to form a romantic bond with someone.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2019 10:46     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
OP, I was a virgin until pretty much I met my husband at 31. I had never been in a relationship either. Never even really did a lot of kissing. It wasn't that I didn't want to. I was pretty and successful too, and smart.

(1) I had been struggling with my weight most of my life. Fat for a while, then I would get thin. When then, men would come on hard and scare me. They didn't want a relationship, they wanted sex. I am really attractive when thin.

(2) I worked long hours in a job without a lot of single people around. So, I was often working when others were playing. Not everyone was interested in a woman who was not available.

By 30-31 I really didn't even know how to interact with men in a way that could lead to a good relationship. Fortunately, I met a man who was kind of in the same boat, so we were a good fit.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2019 09:08     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
Anonymous wrote:Might she be on the autism spectrum? Females are good at hiding it and blending in. Regardless, I don’t know that it’s an attachment issue — sounds more like anxiety, which can manifest itself in many different ways.


Just to add - another reason i thought of HFA is that asking you to come by her office to see her dress is somewhat odd behavior, particularly in the absence of a relationship. She can’t bring herself to give you her number or stay at an event for longer than 5 minutes but regularly asks you to come see her dress. To the point that when she sees you approsxhing, she “smooths out her dress” for you. Yes, that’s quite strange.

But regardless, she seems to have severe relational anxiety, and that’s not sustainable. Especially if you want more than email correspondence. She just can’t do it. Maybe in a year she’ll be able to tolerate 8 minutes. and in five years it’ll be 20 minutes...but you’ll be 46 by then.

You can keep her as a friend but let go of any romantic expectations. She’s not capable, OP.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2019 09:02     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:32 YO here - I have three boyfriends. The longest was a 1.5 years. I date and flirt, but some of it is relationships give me a bit of anxiety and I am a bit of introvert. Some of it is the guys have just not been a guy that I want to adjust for and some of it is I find being with someone in general to be stressful.


So you've had 3 boyfriends...very different from the person described in the OP.


True....but the longest has been a year and half...the other two were 7mo and 9mo....that means I have been single for over a decade.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2019 08:58     Subject: Women in their 30s who have never been in a relationship
Might she be on the autism spectrum? Females are good at hiding it and blending in. Regardless, I don’t know that it’s an attachment issue — sounds more like anxiety, which can manifest itself in many different ways.