Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course, they have the right to move anywhere. However, to move into town unannounced and with no previous discussion is rude. They sound like they cannot pick up on social clues. I feel bad for OP. All of you other critics out there probably never had a situation like this one. OP has the right to feel the way she does. She also had the right to live her family life without in-laws breathing down her back. Been there done that, so I know.

Thank you for understanding. Some people are so cruel on this forum. Which is not what I was expecting. I really appreciate your message. The first part is all I'm asking for a discussion of expectations, time frame etc ...so I'm not blindsided because at the end of the day our life will change. They are very introverted and not social...they aren't moving here for any other reason but us so it will change my life. I worry because my husband is so sweet and never wants to upset his mom, which is beautiful, but she manipulates him with ultimatums to get his way and he just always backs down. He is working on being more firm, I'm working on being more flexible...it just seems like they take take take and don't even realize how much it hurts both of us. I love my family and have always had great relationships with my friends and boyfriend's families...they are just so different. It's hard to explain. The amount of judgment is crazy. So much hate. I can't be around that much negativity for that long, nor so I want our kids to be around that much hate. The comments she makes are just so ridiculous. I believe in diversity and she doesn't, it's all 100% Christian or devil in her mind. Which is just extreme, my best friend is devout in another religion and she commented that they can't be kind if they are not Christian. I just don't want that type of energy around my kids.

You have a husband problem, not a an in-law problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to stop criticizing Op! They have their own life in their own town! In-laws just decided to barge in on them! Who wants or needs that? I have a nice relationship with my in-laws, BUT would fall apart if they moved here on my turf. We all need our space and they have no right to move here!,

Your "turf" is literally the turf on which your house or apartment or condo or whatever sits. That's it.

I live in a Maryland suburb. My ILs, like anyone else, are free to move here. Doesn't mean I have to give them a key or even answer the phone or the door. You can bet I would be setting some crystal-clear boundaries. But I wouldn't be acting like I own this town and it's my "turf," becasue that is both untrue and ridiculous, and I don't deal in falsehoods and fantasies.

dp: OP is not “acting line she owns this town.” She is dreading what seems to be inevitable conflict between DH and his parents, and between her and DH, because DH is going to have to develop new skills and practices to protect his family from a now-close-by pushy and judgmental MIL.
OP knows she wants clear boundaries, but she is not directly in control of setting them, which is why this situation is tricky for her marriage.

Everyone can keep saying the solution is simple, but that doesn’t make it so.

Dum -Dum that poster was NOT responding TO OP , she was responding to a pp WHO LITERALLY SAID THE IN-LAWS WOULD BE ON THEIR TURF. SMDH

Anonymous wrote:Of course, they have the right to move anywhere. However, to move into town unannounced and with no previous discussion is rude. They sound like they cannot pick up on social clues. I feel bad for OP. All of you other critics out there probably never had a situation like this one. OP has the right to feel the way she does. She also had the right to live her family life without in-laws breathing down her back. Been there done that, so I know.

They live in town, not in their basement, they have a right to move to town and Op and her husband have a right to only get together when it works for them. See how being a grown up works??

Anonymous wrote:Of course, they have the right to move anywhere. However, to move into town unannounced and with no previous discussion is rude. They sound like they cannot pick up on social clues. I feel bad for OP. All of you other critics out there probably never had a situation like this one. OP has the right to feel the way she does. She also had the right to live her family life without in-laws breathing down her back. Been there done that, so I know.

Thank you for understanding. Some people are so cruel on this forum. Which is not what I was expecting. I really appreciate your message. The first part is all I'm asking for a discussion of expectations, time frame etc ...so I'm not blindsided because at the end of the day our life will change. They are very introverted and not social...they aren't moving here for any other reason but us so it will change my life. I worry because my husband is so sweet and never wants to upset his mom, which is beautiful, but she manipulates him with ultimatums to get his way and he just always backs down. He is working on being more firm, I'm working on being more flexible...it just seems like they take take take and don't even realize how much it hurts both of us. I love my family and have always had great relationships with my friends and boyfriend's families...they are just so different. It's hard to explain. The amount of judgment is crazy. So much hate. I can't be around that much negativity for that long, nor so I want our kids to be around that much hate. The comments she makes are just so ridiculous. I believe in diversity and she doesn't, it's all 100% Christian or devil in her mind. Which is just extreme, my best friend is devout in another religion and she commented that they can't be kind if they are not Christian. I just don't want that type of energy around my kids.

Install a keypad lock. No keys. If you need to give them access to your home, you can give them a code and disable it at your pleasure. How old are your kids? If school aged, invite them to every school thing and get them cleared to volunteer at your kid’s school. Our schools have had many deeply involved grandparent volunteers and I am sure that they irritated someone in their family, but they were beloved and needed at school. And the school manages them, not you. Thanksgiving plays, field day, awards day, band concerts, choral concerts, plays, etc. There are so many things at school. And you don’t have to talk to them much. Also, sports, there are practices and games and team parties and tournaments and all kinds of stuff. Drop your kids at practice and tell the ILs practice is Thursdays from 4pm to 5pm. You are welcome to cheer Jacob on from the sidelines and meet us for dinner after. Or better yet, bring home dinner. Make their presence work for you. Are they computer literate? Set up a google calendar and share it with them of everything that they are invited to attend.

My parents are the ones who live the closest. My mom picked up my daughter from preschool one day per week and had the afternoon with her. She also did a lot of half day pick ups which was really helpful. We had aftercare at school, but it was nice for my mom and she to have the time together. My MIL moved away or I would have offered her the same opportunity - she is by no means my favorite person, but free child care is free child care. And my MIL is super judgmental too. I just mostly ignore it. I also make her my husband’s problem as much as possible. He now has to go pick her up in order for her to attend anything with us. She lives an hour away and he doesn’t want to do that. When I first started dumping her on him, he balked. So I just turned it around on him. “Cool. You can cook Thanksgiving Dinner with my mom and I will go get your mom instead. Mom will be here at noon.” “I am timing at the swim meet and the kids have to be there at 7:45. So you think I should handle that and calling your mom to invite her too? I think you can make a phone call.” “If you think I should be the one communicating with your parents, then should be the one communicating with mine.” And any time you get any crap from the ILs, throw your husband under the bus. “Oh gee, Mary. I gave Gus the schedule and told him to let you know. Let him know how disappointed you are so he doesn’t forget again.” I know that seems mean, but no one in your life is going to decide that you need fewer unpleasant things to do and they need more.

Anonymous wrote:You can’t control them. But you can control yourself. Don’t be controlled by bitterness and pettiness.

+1

It is simple to keep people out of your house and not make plans with them. Look, I’m doing it right now.

OP has a DH problem, not an IL problem, if he is too big of a puss to say no key, no stopping by unannounced, no plans every weekend, etc.

^^ well, obviously not “everyone,” just a few snippy posters

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to stop criticizing Op! They have their own life in their own town! In-laws just decided to barge in on them! Who wants or needs that? I have a nice relationship with my in-laws, BUT would fall apart if they moved here on my turf. We all need our space and they have no right to move here!,

Your "turf" is literally the turf on which your house or apartment or condo or whatever sits. That's it.

I live in a Maryland suburb. My ILs, like anyone else, are free to move here. Doesn't mean I have to give them a key or even answer the phone or the door. You can bet I would be setting some crystal-clear boundaries. But I wouldn't be acting like I own this town and it's my "turf," becasue that is both untrue and ridiculous, and I don't deal in falsehoods and fantasies.

dp: OP is not “acting line she owns this town.” She is dreading what seems to be inevitable conflict between DH and his parents, and between her and DH, because DH is going to have to develop new skills and practices to protect his family from a now-close-by pushy and judgmental MIL.
OP knows she wants clear boundaries, but she is not directly in control of setting them, which is why this situation is tricky for her marriage.

Everyone can keep saying the solution is simple, but that doesn’t make it so.

Never give them keys and garage code to your house.

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to stop criticizing Op! They have their own life in their own town! In-laws just decided to barge in on them! Who wants or needs that? I have a nice relationship with my in-laws, BUT would fall apart if they moved here on my turf. We all need our space and they have no right to move here!,

Your "turf" is literally the turf on which your house or apartment or condo or whatever sits. That's it.

I live in a Maryland suburb. My ILs, like anyone else, are free to move here. Doesn't mean I have to give them a key or even answer the phone or the door. You can bet I would be setting some crystal-clear boundaries. But I wouldn't be acting like I own this town and it's my "turf," becasue that is both untrue and ridiculous, and I don't deal in falsehoods and fantasies.

Of course, they have the right to move anywhere. However, to move into town unannounced and with no previous discussion is rude. They sound like they cannot pick up on social clues. I feel bad for OP. All of you other critics out there probably never had a situation like this one. OP has the right to feel the way she does. She also had the right to live her family life without in-laws breathing down her back. Been there done that, so I know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to stop criticizing Op! They have their own life in their own town! In-laws just decided to barge in on them! Who wants or needs that? I have a nice relationship with my in-laws, BUT would fall apart if they moved here on my turf. We all need our space and they have no right to move here!,

I would “fall apart” if I had to go back to visiting my inlaws out of town. In town is better! Why the doom and gloom?

because your in-laws are probably not bat-sh@t crazy.

OP - I’m sorry, I get it. My MIL almost led to my divorce early in my relationship. She didn’t have to move close to be difficult. As others have said, allow your dh to visit alone. Opt out of in-law time and set clear boundaries with both him and them...and get some good wine, you may need it.

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to stop criticizing Op! They have their own life in their own town! In-laws just decided to barge in on them! Who wants or needs that? I have a nice relationship with my in-laws, BUT would fall apart if they moved here on my turf. We all need our space and they have no right to move here!,

I would “fall apart” if I had to go back to visiting my inlaws out of town. In town is better! Why the doom and gloom?