Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 20:48     Subject: Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering how many of the posters who have had comments about not knowing how the straight spouse could not know would also blame the faithful spouse in a cheating situation?
Another factor to consider: when your spouse cheats in a heterosexual situation, you get to just be angry. No one can fault you for that. When your spouse comes out as gay, it is hard to just be angry without it being misinterpreted as some level of bigotry.
Being closeted is a deeply complex situation. Let us not judge something we have not experienced.


You say this but then you compare the 'awareness' levels between having a gay spouse and an unfaithful spouse as similar. They are not remotely in the same stratosphere.

One can cheat once or over a long period of time but its a choice that you take. Being gay is something that is intrinsic to your being and for your own spouse not to 'see' part of you means they weren't looking hard enough.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 20:37     Subject: Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
I’m wondering how many of the posters who have had comments about not knowing how the straight spouse could not know would also blame the faithful spouse in a cheating situation?
Another factor to consider: when your spouse cheats in a heterosexual situation, you get to just be angry. No one can fault you for that. When your spouse comes out as gay, it is hard to just be angry without it being misinterpreted as some level of bigotry.
Being closeted is a deeply complex situation. Let us not judge something we have not experienced.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 20:14     Subject: Re:Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I actually know not one but FOUR gay men who used to be married to women.

How the women ever believed any of them were straight is beyond comprehension.



This happened to my aunt but they were married 25 years ago. I don’t get why this is still happening today. He used to drive me nuts with his homophobic blathering, but now I see that was part of his cover.


Probably because lots of people still getting married young with all the expectations that conveys. Don't want to be 'different' and out themselves to family and long-term communities, so they choose to the hide until they can't or won't anymore.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 19:49     Subject: Re:Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
Anonymous wrote:I actually know not one but FOUR gay men who used to be married to women.

How the women ever believed any of them were straight is beyond comprehension.



This happened to my aunt but they were married 25 years ago. I don’t get why this is still happening today. He used to drive me nuts with his homophobic blathering, but now I see that was part of his cover.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 18:34     Subject: Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
Anonymous wrote:nice to know this forum is full of homophobes.



Please explain your statement
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 18:19     Subject: Re:Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
I actually know not one but FOUR gay men who used to be married to women.

How the women ever believed any of them were straight is beyond comprehension.

Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 18:15     Subject: Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
I'm gay and I think this guy is a class-A jerkwad. Abandoning his family is the same whether he's gay or straight. There's nothing stopping him from being gay in the same town as his kids.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 17:54     Subject: Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
So my BFF and I had one of each type of cheater. Two exes- one closeted and cheated with men, one straight cheated with a woman.
Both are heart-wrenching and humiliating.
I think the straight cheated upon spouse has the issue where they feel inadequate sexually when the affair is discovered and everyone assumes they are frigid (was not the case)and blame the victim to some extent. The closet case spouse feels like their whole marriage was a lie. Also let's be honest both were worried about STDs but risks differ.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 16:52     Subject: Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
Anonymous wrote:As someone who is in his shoes, I fault the guy tremendously for participating in that article, which clearly accomplishes nothing but cause his ex more pain and embarrassment. I also believe that the guy’s decision to put his kids in a conservative Christian school and allowing them to be raised thinking the way they did was unforgivable.

Having said that, the reactions of many of the women on this thread to the article confirms my decision never, ever to come out at this point. With each passing day one becomes more and more boxed into what was a stupid decision made years ago - while young, hopeful, and naive - but certainly was not a decision made maliciously or with any intent to hurt or mislead.



I feel for you, genuinely I do. But you knew you were conflicted and made decisions to go ahead and closet yourself and fully embrace the straight life. You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. You don’t get to blow up everyone else’s lives in order for you to feel good about yourself. I had some secrets going into my own marriage, and they’re mine to deal with, not my spouse and children. Once you enter into a family collective unit, you don’t get to think about your own “self-actualization” or whatever BS term is out there now. If when your children are fully grown you want to consider divorce, then maybe.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 16:49     Subject: Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
IMO, gay is worse. While cheating and affairs are bad, people are known to be susceptible to temptation and it doesn't call the fundamental basis of the marriage into question. It was real but had a bad ending. In the gay scenario, you must confront the question of whether it was ever real from the get-go and it suggests much more and much more intentional deception--even from the very inception of the relationship--which is far more unsettling and disturbing, it seems to me.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 16:39     Subject: Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:nice to know this forum is full of homophobes.


That is ridiculous. I am gay and still don't have any sympathy for this guy. He lied to his wife when he married her and every time he was intimate with her. He left his family for his new life, leaving her to deal with single motherhood and emotional trauma. This isn't about being homophobic. This is about not celebrating cowardice.


Yes exactly.

This is flat out fraud in my opinion. He pretended to be someone he wasn't out of his own cowardice/insecurities/prejudices. He tricked her into marrying him. Despicable.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 16:31     Subject: Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
Anonymous wrote:nice to know this forum is full of homophobes.


That is ridiculous. I am gay and still don't have any sympathy for this guy. He lied to his wife when he married her and every time he was intimate with her. He left his family for his new life, leaving her to deal with single motherhood and emotional trauma. This isn't about being homophobic. This is about not celebrating cowardice.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 16:29     Subject: Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Y'all got a lotta time on your hands wondering about some off the wall stuff.

Which is worse having a leg gnarled off at the knee by an alligator or having Dick Cheney shoot your leg off at the knee with a shotgun?


You still missing a leg


Exactly and the OP is still in a broken marriage.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 16:24     Subject: Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
nice to know this forum is full of homophobes.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2019 14:28     Subject: Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As someone who is in his shoes, I fault the guy tremendously for participating in that article, which clearly accomplishes nothing but cause his ex more pain and embarrassment. I also believe that the guy’s decision to put his kids in a conservative Christian school and allowing them to be raised thinking the way they did was unforgivable.

Having said that, the reactions of many of the women on this thread to the article confirms my decision never, ever to come out at this point. With each passing day one becomes more and more boxed into what was a stupid decision made years ago - while young, hopeful, and naive - but certainly was not a decision made maliciously or with any intent to hurt or mislead.

I think you can learn by the mistakes that he made. How old are your children? How is your relationship with your spouse?


Why did you get married? Things were progressive 9 years ago.