Anonymous wrote:I was told once, "at 13years, you're done". They're formed. There's not much you can do. I now think that is true. I didn't pay attention when that advice was given to me. Don't really know what I would have done differently *BUT* I do think 9 - 13 are by far the most formative years when parents still have influence.

Full disclosure, I'm replying to this more as a daughter than as a mother (I do have two kids but they are very young). While my personality might have been formed by the time I was 13, my relationship with my parents absolutely was not. My mom and I had a perfectly normal relationship up until I was 15 years or so, but then butted heads 24/7 for the next 3 years until I left home. Our relationship never recovered and now we are pretty distant/cordial. As a mom to two daughters now I AGONIZE over how to prevent this with my own kids and I've thought a ton about where it went wrong with my mom and I really do think it all happened in those years (aged 15-18). So while my personality might have been formed by 13, I don't think my mom was "done" by any means, and our relationship for the rest of my life was formed after that point.

Just to put in a different perspective on things.

I was told once, "at 13years, you're done". They're formed. There's not much you can do. I now think that is true. I didn't pay attention when that advice was given to me. Don't really know what I would have done differently *BUT* I do think 9 - 13 are by far the most formative years when parents still have influence.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take advice from parents with kids who are happy & successful. They did something right.

I chuckle every time the parents of kids who have dropped out of college, live at home at 30 and have zero ambition/ self worth are quick to give advice.

I wonder how many of those kids have disabilites that you don't know about or understand but go ahead, pass judgement on the parents.

That is a totally different thing. Stop projecting. I’m talking about the kids who have no ambition and are lazy.

NP. First, that is not an example of projecting. Second, I also think you sound like an a-hole so maybe it's you.

Re: the sports thing... I mean, what your endgame as the parent?

I started playing soccer at 8 and was good enough to play D1 in college, but not good enough for Pro. (They didn't have a women's pro league when I graduated, but I wouldn't have been good enough either way.)

Regardless, I played soccer recreationally for years after, stayed in great shape, made good friends etc.

And the friendships I had and the discipline in high school and college were invaluable.

The point of sport isn't to go pro. Or it shouldn't be, anyway.

Anonymous wrote:The day-to-day is just as important as "how they turn out"-- which you'll never know with absolute certainty, anyway, unless you plan to outlive them. You are not just raising future adults. Be in the moment.

This is really wonderfully put, thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is your kid. All those people who say my kid won't or doesn't does.

They are smoking, they are drinking, they are vaping, they are having sex.

Remember what you were doing at their age and realize things are happening a lot faster these days. Meet the other kids and meet their parents and be friends with them even if you don't like them.

Don't stock the beach house during beach week with bases and cases of beer.

I was NEVER that kid. I never drank, smoked, did drugs, and was barely kissing boys senior year. I still have never done a drug or smoked a cigarette a day in my life. This is something people tell themselves to make them feel better about their kid who IS doing these things.

Agree. Same. I had a lot to lose if I messed up and I was happy with my HS life and didn’t need drugs, boys, alcohol to feel better.

Same here. I didn’t touch any alcohol or have sex until I went to college, and to this day have never smoked a cigarette —I’m 39, so it’s not like I’m a grandma now or anything. I was just a good kid with a good friend group who didn’t do that either. We were fairly popular, a middle of the road group that went to a lot of social events and dated and stuff. There truly are kids out there who aren’t interested in those things yet.

I'm one of the PPs who also wasn't into that stuff in HS, but lose the "good" label. Kids who experiment with substances in HS are not "bad." It's that kind of crap that perpetuates stigma around addiction, and we need less of that, not more.

Accept the fact that, at the end of the day, it's their life and you're just a portion of it. My spouse finds that depressing but I find it comforting. I think the most stifled children and young adults that I see tended to grow up with parents who saw the kids as appendages of themselves and behaved accordingly.

The most well-adjusted kids I know, OTOH, developed their independence and their own passions precisely *because* their parents had their own separate interests and distinct senses of self. The parents were loving and nurturing, sure. They gave their kids the sharpest arrows and the strongest bows. But ultimately the greatest gift you can give your kids is to teach them that they -- and not you -- are in charge of their destiny.

The day-to-day is just as important as "how they turn out"-- which you'll never know with absolute certainty, anyway, unless you plan to outlive them. You are not just raising future adults. Be in the moment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is your kid. All those people who say my kid won't or doesn't does.

They are smoking, they are drinking, they are vaping, they are having sex.

Remember what you were doing at their age and realize things are happening a lot faster these days. Meet the other kids and meet their parents and be friends with them even if you don't like them.

Don't stock the beach house during beach week with bases and cases of beer.

I was NEVER that kid. I never drank, smoked, did drugs, and was barely kissing boys senior year. I still have never done a drug or smoked a cigarette a day in my life. This is something people tell themselves to make them feel better about their kid who IS doing these things.

Agree. Same. I had a lot to lose if I messed up and I was happy with my HS life and didn’t need drugs, boys, alcohol to feel better.

Same here. I didn’t touch any alcohol or have sex until I went to college, and to this day have never smoked a cigarette —I’m 39, so it’s not like I’m a grandma now or anything. I was just a good kid with a good friend group who didn’t do that either. We were fairly popular, a middle of the road group that went to a lot of social events and dated and stuff. There truly are kids out there who aren’t interested in those things yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is your kid. All those people who say my kid won't or doesn't does.

They are smoking, they are drinking, they are vaping, they are having sex.

Remember what you were doing at their age and realize things are happening a lot faster these days. Meet the other kids and meet their parents and be friends with them even if you don't like them.

Don't stock the beach house during beach week with bases and cases of beer.

I was NEVER that kid. I never drank, smoked, did drugs, and was barely kissing boys senior year. I still have never done a drug or smoked a cigarette a day in my life. This is something people tell themselves to make them feel better about their kid who IS doing these things.

Agree. Same. I had a lot to lose if I messed up and I was happy with my HS life and didn’t need drugs, boys, alcohol to feel better.

Anonymous wrote:Don't try to control or strongly influence them in ANY WAY once they are outside the home. They will hate you for it and distance themselves from you.

If they pick a joke of a major we’re not paying.

Many have been mentioned but I'll reiterate the ones that I look back and see were most important.

Laugh and then laugh some more, lots of read alouds even when they're older, lots of hugs, as much unconditional love as you can give, don't sweat the small things - let them pass, pick your battles-and make sure they're for the big stuff because there will be big stuff. LISTEN and OBSERVE.

Practice manners and chores early on - eg my kids have done their own laundry since they were 4yo. Teach them cooking basics and how to clean house, pay bills etc.

Phones in kitchen at night throughout if possible (buy alarm clocks for their rooms as that's their excuse), teach them how to relax and get self care, teach them to walk away from toxic or dangerous relationships without guilt.

Mental care over a focus on grades. Putting forth best effort over grades. Some kids absolutely need sports or the arts as a huge part in their lives to function. Recognize that, let it be self driven and don't worry about a college scholarship. Do let them know there is more money in merit aid than sports or artistic pursuits for college though. Gap years developed by student (not a $$ program) are great for kids who aren't ready for college. There are many paths to a happy, successful life.

Keep yourself up to date on teen lingo/music/social media. Frankly, the teen years are really challenging. Mental illness among teens/pre-teens is at an all-time high. Know the signs and always speak of how brain/mental health is important and not something to be looked down on. Your kids will either have friends with issues or may have some of their own. There's really no predicting these things. You just don't have much control over this aspect as they get older.

Never let a night go by when you don't say goodnight and I love you. You never know when you might lose that opportunity.

Anonymous wrote:I’m interested to know if in hindsight parents think that intensive sports were worth it. Especially if the kid stopped playing after HS.

Yes, because during that time period, she loved it. At the start of her senior year of high school she decided she didn't want to swim anymore. It had never been about getting a swim scholarship or swimming for college. We just said fine, pick something else that you'll do for your body. She did. She didn't go near a pool for almost a year - then her little sister asked her to go to the local pool with her. She rediscovered swimming, and has since done it for releasing stress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is your kid. All those people who say my kid won't or doesn't does.

They are smoking, they are drinking, they are vaping, they are having sex.

Remember what you were doing at their age and realize things are happening a lot faster these days. Meet the other kids and meet their parents and be friends with them even if you don't like them.

Don't stock the beach house during beach week with bases and cases of beer.

I was NEVER that kid. I never drank, smoked, did drugs, and was barely kissing boys senior year. I still have never done a drug or smoked a cigarette a day in my life. This is something people tell themselves to make them feel better about their kid who IS doing these things.

Do you think you were NEVER that kid due to great parenting? I've also never done drugs or smoked, and I didn't drink until I was 21. But that was just my personality, and had nothing to do with my parents.

I wasn't that kid, either, mostly because of my personality. But the original PP wasn't making that point, s/he was insisting that all kids are doing this stuff. Not all kids are.

I don't think parents should be shocked when their kids are doing these things, but I also don't think it's helpful to assume that they MUST be, they're just not telling you. Nope.

Maintain communication by text: at least they know you are there.