Anonymous
Post 05/23/2019 10:12     Subject: Re:Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
Anonymous wrote:Everyone thinks it is axiomatic that the kids are going to be "happy" if hostile, fighting parents divorce. I disagree. My parents had a very toxic relationship - cheating, shouting, throwing things, hitting each other - and I was still miserable and traumatized for years after the divorce. Not least because my mom never sought therapy, she just remained this barely repressed volcano of rage for the whole rest of her life.


Did your dad not step up and provide a better home life for you post divorce? I can't imagine how it would have been better watching them physically abuse each other, scream at each other and cheat on each other. At least when they were apart they could not argue so much.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2019 10:09     Subject: Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
Anonymous wrote:Screw you people who think marriage is a joke and subject your kids to divorce for frivolous reasons


Screw people who think they have any right to judge what other people are going through and think any divorce is for frivolous reasons and think they're getting some kind of medal at the end of this.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2019 10:03     Subject: Re:Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
Everyone thinks it is axiomatic that the kids are going to be "happy" if hostile, fighting parents divorce. I disagree. My parents had a very toxic relationship - cheating, shouting, throwing things, hitting each other - and I was still miserable and traumatized for years after the divorce. Not least because my mom never sought therapy, she just remained this barely repressed volcano of rage for the whole rest of her life.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2019 08:58     Subject: Re:Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I just miss having someone to bounce ideas off of. Logistical decisions, car maintenance things, where to plant hostas etc etc. Just having another adult in general. I also know, realize and accept my kids are struggling. Dh left me but we have never told them that so I share the blame in their eyes which kinda sucks but I realize it's best. DH is still with AP and they seem happy and I just have a huge house with no man to fix all this shit. I almost wish i had to financially downsize for the excuse but i know the last thing my kids need right now is a major change so here i sit.


Aw. You sound nice. I hope you find a nice new husband in a few years. You remind me of a close friend whose wife left him abruptly after an affair ... it took him several years but he recently remarried someone who seems totally great. In the mean time, I recommend finding a nice (hot) handyman to come fix everything up! Maybe he can even give advice on the hostas.


She will! Nice normal people who are decent people almost always remarry if that is what they want.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2019 08:47     Subject: Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I did not regret divorce. I regretted ever getting married in the first place. (Though I have a child I love so try not to think about that.)


+1. I got married knowing I wasn't head over heels in love, just close friends love. I regret it within a couple months of my marriage.


have you found a way to make it work?
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2019 08:46     Subject: Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Screw you people who think marriage is a joke and subject your kids to divorce for frivolous reasons


I’ll take two divorced happier parents over two married miserable and fighting parents any day, even if it’s for frivolous reasons.


I grew up with divorced parents, and this is what I used to say. I was so happy they stopped fighting that I was okay with their divorce. However, now I see more of the damage it did. And I do blame them (mostly my mother) for how they dealt with things. My mom could have told my dad directly what she was missing in the relationship. They could have tried harder to make it work, and to make things pleasant at home. Instead, my mom was just always out for her own pleasure, screw everyone else.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2019 08:25     Subject: Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
Anonymous wrote:I did not regret divorce. I regretted ever getting married in the first place. (Though I have a child I love so try not to think about that.)


+1. I got married knowing I wasn't head over heels in love, just close friends love. I regret it within a couple months of my marriage.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2019 07:57     Subject: Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
Anonymous wrote:The only thing I regret is we didn't do it sooner. Sure, all of the things listed were part of the process and it was tough for awhile, but everyone is happier now. The kids have made that very clear. I didn't realize how bad it was for them in a home where their parents never showed intimacy or genuine love to each other. Sure, we piled all kinds of love on our kids, but not with one another. My kids let me know they knew it was over before we even did.


This is such BS. Kids don’t want to see their parents having intimacy - that’s all about you.
And what exactly kept you from being loving towards the spouse that you married and had babies with? You sound awful.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2019 07:43     Subject: Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The only thing I regret is we didn't do it sooner. Sure, all of the things listed were part of the process and it was tough for awhile, but everyone is happier now. The kids have made that very clear. I didn't realize how bad it was for them in a home where their parents never showed intimacy or genuine love to each other. Sure, we piled all kinds of love on our kids, but not with one another. My kids let me know they knew it was over before we even did.


I’m an adult and my parents divorced as a child. Don’t convince yourself this is better for the kids. Yes, it was nice not seeing my parents fight or not share a bed. But, the difficulties of them dating, pulling me in two directions (which WILL happen even when parents do their best), the moving house to house...it was really hard. The divorce was the best decision for them, but the burden of it fell on us.

I’m not saying I’d never get divorced if it ended up that way, but be clear that it’s ? about the parents and not the kids short of an house situation.

+1
For many children of divorce is still a taboo to express their true feelings, there is fear to hurt parents feelings and expectations.

Not all people feel the same way. I was so glad when my parents divorced. Our house was either fighting or cold silences. They were both so unhappy.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2019 06:14     Subject: Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
I regret I didn't do it sooner.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2019 05:44     Subject: Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
Anonymous wrote:Screw you people who think marriage is a joke and subject your kids to divorce for frivolous reasons


I’ll take two divorced happier parents over two married miserable and fighting parents any day, even if it’s for frivolous reasons.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2019 22:04     Subject: Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
Anonymous wrote:I regret all the money I paid to a marriage counselor who supported my ex wife in continuing her gaslighting me while she carried on an affair. I really should have just divorced ASAP. Dragging it out and begging to keep it together had no benefit.


+1 Same happened to me !
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2019 21:28     Subject: Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
I regret all the money I paid to a marriage counselor who supported my ex wife in continuing her gaslighting me while she carried on an affair. I really should have just divorced ASAP. Dragging it out and begging to keep it together had no benefit.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2019 21:20     Subject: Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
Screw you people who think marriage is a joke and subject your kids to divorce for frivolous reasons
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2019 21:17     Subject: Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?
Anonymous wrote:A friend recently put it this way:
DH wants to live in squalor and chaos 100% of the time. I want to live in order and cleanliness 100% of the time. We can’t change each other, but we can separately get what we want.


What I would say to your friend:

First reaction -- gee, wouldn't it have been nice to figure that out before you got married?

Secondly, I doubt he wants to live in squalor. He just doesn't care enough about order and cleanliness to do anything himself. He'd be willing to let you impose as much order and cleanliness as you like. But you don't want to do that. So the real problem... is you.