Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 11:34     Subject: How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.


Family who frequently stays overnight is just that--family. Family helps. If they wanted to be treated like guests, don't visit so damn much.


Where does it say that the MIL wants to be treated like a guest? All I see is the OP complaining that MIL doesn't go far above and beyond like OP's own mom. And its not suprising that with such a codependent relationship, OP is going to prefer her own mom. Where is DH in all this? I'm guessing he's a classic Beta who is not allowed to have any opinions, down to the color of his shirt.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 11:32     Subject: Re:How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, this time is about you, DH and your baby. And what you are comfortable with as a new mother. It isn't a time to worry about a negative, emotional draining family member, even if she happens to be a grandmother. You can't change your MIL - she got to raise her family her own way and she is who she is.

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent those precious years when DC was younger trying to figure out how to make MIL happy. Nothing was ever enough and it was EXHAUSTING. Looking back, the conversation revolved around MIL's feelings and what she felt entitled to. It was never about DH and me as new parents, how we were doing and what kind of support we actually needed.

I hope things get better for you.





+1
Young kids are physically demanding. Women are expected to do everything - do not add guests who are unhelpful and critical. If MIL wants more time, the husband should arrange for his mother to visit and squash the comments.


+1, totally agree


Do you even see the irony in this statement?

MIL, also a WOMAN, is being *expected* to come and do heavy lifting for OP, who is doing very little heavy lifting compared to many other families. Rather than take responsibility for her own family, she is limiting access based on who is going to do the most work for her. OMG - her MIL is severely obese, and therefore not physically able to do as much manual labour as her own mother.

I’d feel more sympathetic for OP if she didn’t have so much help otherwise, but she’s basically comparing workloads and allowing access to the grandchildren based on that.

OP is looking at this through a biased lens, not least of all leaning in one direction, as her MIL is obese. MIL is coming and doing what she is capable of doing, and the net worth of that is not zero.


NP. No, MIL is not "expected" to come. She wants to come over, demands to come over, whines about not visiting as frequently as OP's mom. Visitors of MIL's ilk require more effort than not having visitors; OP would rather not have the ***extra burden*** of a visitor who doesn't help?

Want to visit? Fine. Help! You are family visiting a home with young children. Either pitch in, or at the very least, be self-sufficient, don't expect to be hosted-hosted, and stay out of the damn way.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 11:29     Subject: Re:How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, this time is about you, DH and your baby. And what you are comfortable with as a new mother. It isn't a time to worry about a negative, emotional draining family member, even if she happens to be a grandmother. You can't change your MIL - she got to raise her family her own way and she is who she is.

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent those precious years when DC was younger trying to figure out how to make MIL happy. Nothing was ever enough and it was EXHAUSTING. Looking back, the conversation revolved around MIL's feelings and what she felt entitled to. It was never about DH and me as new parents, how we were doing and what kind of support we actually needed.

I hope things get better for you.





+1
Young kids are physically demanding. Women are expected to do everything - do not add guests who are unhelpful and critical. If MIL wants more time, the husband should arrange for his mother to visit and squash the comments.


+1, totally agree


Do you even see the irony in this statement?

MIL, also a WOMAN, is being *expected* to come and do heavy lifting for OP, who is doing very little heavy lifting compared to many other families. Rather than take responsibility for her own family, she is limiting access based on who is going to do the most work for her. OMG - her MIL is severely obese, and therefore not physically able to do as much manual labour as her own mother.

I’d feel more sympathetic for OP if she didn’t have so much help otherwise, but she’s basically comparing workloads and allowing access to the grandchildren based on that.

OP is looking at this through a biased lens, not least of all leaning in one direction, as her MIL is obese. MIL is coming and doing what she is capable of doing, and the net worth of that is not zero.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 11:20     Subject: How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
Your Dh needs to handle. He needs to explain how his MIL helps HIM.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 11:19     Subject: How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.


Family who frequently stays overnight is just that--family. Family helps. If they wanted to be treated like guests, don't visit so damn much.


So. This. Guests are people who visit every now and then, and graciously say "thank you," treat the host to dinner, appreciate being hosted.

People in your home frequently are visiting family. Family visiting households with young children need to pitch in and help, or at the very least, be self-sufficient, stay out of the way and don't make work for your hosts.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 11:13     Subject: Re:How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, this time is about you, DH and your baby. And what you are comfortable with as a new mother. It isn't a time to worry about a negative, emotional draining family member, even if she happens to be a grandmother. You can't change your MIL - she got to raise her family her own way and she is who she is.

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent those precious years when DC was younger trying to figure out how to make MIL happy. Nothing was ever enough and it was EXHAUSTING. Looking back, the conversation revolved around MIL's feelings and what she felt entitled to. It was never about DH and me as new parents, how we were doing and what kind of support we actually needed.

I hope things get better for you.





+1
Young kids are physically demanding. Women are expected to do everything - do not add guests who are unhelpful and critical. If MIL wants more time, the husband should arrange for his mother to visit and squash the comments.


+1, totally agree
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 11:10     Subject: How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
OP, my first reaction was "what an entitled MIL", but after thinking about my own setup and reading responses i think you should chill out. It is obvious you don't like your MIL. Try to see her as your husband's mother.

Don't make it into a competition between your mom and MIL. Your mom is able to help you that much and MIL is not, due to health reasons. But she still wants to spend time with her grandkids. Just see another mother in your MIL. See yourself in future. What if for some reason you can't physically help your DIL and she will prevent you from seeing your grandkids?

Why don't you let her come visit for 2-3 days a month even if she parks herself in front of TV with the baby. And control yourself, stop yourself from being irritated by her presence. Try to see a friend in her.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 11:02     Subject: How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You all giving OP are hard time about whatever arrangement she’s established with her mom inn regards to babysitting are out of line.

I know plenty of people who have childcare arrangements with family.

My parents neighbor, for example, watch their grandson M-F. The mom is a teacher and grandma has him from about 7am-5pm every day. Is that unfair, if this arrangement works with everyone involved? Should the other grandma be jealous?

I have one friend whose mom watched her two kids every day, too. I have another friend whose mom moved in after her father died, and provides a lot of childcare. Should the other grandma’s be jealous?

Life isn’t always equal. If OP is permitting a relationship with children and MIL, that’s fair.


I think it’s that she’s not looking at it as relationship between mil and the grandkids. She’s not willing to host mil because mil doesn’t help her as much as her mom does. That’s pretty transactional, and not how most people view family members.


Overnight weekend guests six times a year is "not willing to host"? Really?
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 11:01     Subject: How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
So, here's the deal: Your MIL is never going to be happy/satisfied. If she gets more time it will just be something else.

Fully actualized adults don't say "It's not fair!" like a six year old.

Your husband should deal with this and cut it off at the knees.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 10:57     Subject: How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
Anonymous wrote:So, tell her that you are really only interested in her if she is willing and able to act like unpaid staff when visiting.

Also make it clear you have a problem with her obesity.

You should be free of having to worry about visits for a while.


Ha!
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 10:46     Subject: How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
Anonymous wrote:My MIL comes and visits one weekend every other month. She’s unhappy with this as my mother spends a lot of time here. Probably 1-3 weeks a month, and it’s because she’s actually helpful.

My mom will cook for us, help clean, watch our toddler during the weekend, stays up with our infant and does dream feeds. She allows us to go on weekend trips and stays the night so we don’t have to pay the nanny to spend the night at our house.

DHs mom is severely obese and can’t keep up with our toddler. When she’s here all she wants to do is sit and rock the baby while watching tv. She’s critical of me and my parent and it’s an emotional drain when she’s here.

I can’t just tell MIL that I prefer my mom being here to her because my moms actually helpful.

But she’s mentioned numerous times to me and DH that she doesn’t think it’s fair my mom gets to spend so much time with our kids and she doesn’t.

I don’t think she gets it? I don’t know what else to tell her but the truth. You aren’t helpful.


The bolded is the only thing you can really ever hope to change. DH needs to manage all the communications with her generally. You can speak up in the moment when she's critical--"Well, this is what works for us!" "Oh, our pediatrician recommends x!" Push back a little respectfully, and your visits will be more enjoyable.

You've got a toddler and a baby--no apologies necessary for having your mom come to help, but that's an issue DH needs to address.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 10:44     Subject: How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
Not every complaint warrants a response.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 10:44     Subject: How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
Anonymous wrote:Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.


Family who frequently stays overnight is just that--family. Family helps. If they wanted to be treated like guests, don't visit so damn much.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 10:43     Subject: Re:How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
Anonymous wrote:OP, this time is about you, DH and your baby. And what you are comfortable with as a new mother. It isn't a time to worry about a negative, emotional draining family member, even if she happens to be a grandmother. You can't change your MIL - she got to raise her family her own way and she is who she is.

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent those precious years when DC was younger trying to figure out how to make MIL happy. Nothing was ever enough and it was EXHAUSTING. Looking back, the conversation revolved around MIL's feelings and what she felt entitled to. It was never about DH and me as new parents, how we were doing and what kind of support we actually needed.

I hope things get better for you.





+1
Young kids are physically demanding. Women are expected to do everything - do not add guests who are unhelpful and critical. If MIL wants more time, the husband should arrange for his mother to visit and squash the comments.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 10:42     Subject: Re:How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does
Your mom isn't visiting. She's providing childcare and cleaning help. That's different. Don't feel like you have to apologize for it or justify it any way. Just be glad that there's someone who's willing to do this for you.

As for your MIL, tell her that you're up for a social visit once a month. If your husband wants his mother to visit more, he can manage those visits.