Anonymous wrote:Vacuum daily and do your bed and the kitchen counters. Have a livingroom clatter free rule so you can have some refuge.
Vacuuming makes MOST impact on clean feel if you could do only one thing. YOu will fill so much better.

Have kids take out dishes form the dishwasher on the countertop in any way they can. then you put away dishes and load them fast without rinsing, run dishwaser twice instead of once to make sure dishes are clean. It is better for dishwasaer to rinse then you waste energy. If it wont' clean in two runs, run third time. Save your sanity.

Have kids sort clothing after it is washed. You do folding and putting away.

Have kids pick up everything that is cluttering the house and help them sort in groups, then put each group in laundry basket and put it away.

Vacuum daily?!? Who the F even does that?

Anonymous wrote:Vacuum daily and do your bed and the kitchen counters. Have a livingroom clatter free rule so you can have some refuge.
Vacuuming makes MOST impact on clean feel if you could do only one thing. YOu will fill so much better.

Have kids take out dishes form the dishwasher on the countertop in any way they can. then you put away dishes and load them fast without rinsing, run dishwaser twice instead of once to make sure dishes are clean. It is better for dishwasaer to rinse then you waste energy. If it wont' clean in two runs, run third time. Save your sanity.

Have kids sort clothing after it is washed. You do folding and putting away.

Have kids pick up everything that is cluttering the house and help them sort in groups, then put each group in laundry basket and put it away.

Oh boy. PP is missing the forest for the trees.

This is conundrum, you feel more depressed in the dirty house but you have dirtier house when you are depressed. Do clean one room a day to perfection and by the end of the week you will have clean house for the weekend. Next week just keep up don't let it overgrow the mess on you.

Vacuum daily and do your bed and the kitchen counters. Have a livingroom clatter free rule so you can have some refuge.
Vacuuming makes MOST impact on clean feel if you could do only one thing. YOu will fill so much better.

Have kids take out dishes form the dishwasher on the countertop in any way they can. then you put away dishes and load them fast without rinsing, run dishwaser twice instead of once to make sure dishes are clean. It is better for dishwasaer to rinse then you waste energy. If it wont' clean in two runs, run third time. Save your sanity.

Have kids sort clothing after it is washed. You do folding and putting away.

Have kids pick up everything that is cluttering the house and help them sort in groups, then put each group in laundry basket and put it away.

OP, what kind of lifestyle do you lead? Could you move to a smaller home? Reduce expenses significantly so one of you can lean out? Your situation seems untenable for someone not sick with depression.

OP again. Thank you everyone for the advice and kindness. Some of the posts had me in tears.

It helps to know others have dealt with depression and feeling alone. Just in case people think DS is not holding up his end, he is doing his best. He’s also exhausted and burning out. His employer takes advantage of him because he works in a field that’s faces a lot of competition from overseas workers. He works more weekends than not. When he’s home his priority is to spend time with our kids and I can’t blame him for that.

It’s so expensive to live in this area and we are just barely staying afloat. I feel like this is the “new normal” and we moved here for his job so we don’t have close friends or family support.

I will try the Feeling Good Book and I really appreciate the links to websites and resources. I will talk to my GP although I’m scared of antidepressants. I’m more scared of where I’m at and I know I can’t keep going much longer with things staying the same way.

Most of all, I just appreciate the kindness. It is so precious. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Anonymous wrote:I will add - don't let it affect your willingness to entertain, because frankly, everyone else's house is a wreck as well. Unless there's mold growing on the dirty dishes, nobody's going to much care.

I grew up in a house where it was not unusual for mold to be growing on the dishes. Clothes were literally knee deep in the laundry and bathroom. An elderly dog pooped and peed every where. Always mountains of stuff. My mom was a single mom often working two jobs who also struggled with depression. My sister and I are in our 30s and are happy, employed, home-owning, and slightly messy but not outside the norm. The messy house is not a big deal. Not having friends over is not a big deal. Your happiness is important for your kids, though. If you can muster some energy, use it for finding affordable treatment or talking to your primary care doc about meds. The house is secondary.

You’re ill, OP. If you had cancer or a thyroid issue would you deny yourself health care? If you’re insured you have to make this happen. If you’re not, have DH look into options. Either way DH can help make the appointment. For me that was the biggest barrier. It’s emotionally exhausting to search for someone your insurance covers who takes your insurance and who is actually taking new patients.

Nobody cares about your house, really. They care about you. DH HAS to step up. There is no way you should be doing everything. I don’t care about his hours.

I have been there and I am very sorry you’re going through this. Please forget the superficial bs and find a way to ask for help and take care of yourself. Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:Get the Feeling Good workbook and start it now. Save up $2000 for a 10-session course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a reputable specialized practive that delivers CBT with fidelity, and really dig in and commit to it.

In the mean time, I suggest accepting that the house will be messy for now. Your DH could clean on the weekend but choses not to - you do the same!

+1 Please do this, OP. It's the cost of a book on amazon, not full therapy, and yet I found it tremendously helpful for battling negative thought patterns and sadness. If you want to tackle the house, do it in 10-15 minute decluttering increments (set a timer) but the more important thing isn't the state of the house, it's the state of your mind.

Such good advice. I share nsre a similar struggle. Having people over aleaysbwas a good motivator. Slowly, I’ve developed better habits.

Encourage the mental health treatment - including considering whether other (ADD) at play.

Good luck!!

My house was messy when I was a kid. As far as I know no one was depressed. They were just busy with work and kids.
I still had people over for the most part and some did comment at times that the house was messy. I didn’t really care. It was the truth. I guess some times it was worse than others.
I think the only long term impact it has had on me is that I struggle to keep my own house clean now - like it doesn’t come easily to know how to clean / organize things.

I will tell you that DH and I threw a big party two months ago and I really decluttered the lower level for that party. I didn’t do a real great job - I threw most stuff in bags and moved the bags to basement. In 5 years when I haven’t gotten things out of those bags I should throw them out

Anyway it has been easier to keep clean since that de-clutter we did. Good luck.

This is one of the kindest, most helpful threads I’ve ever seen on DCUM.

OP, if it makes you feel any better, my kid is 17 and my house is still a mess. We are people who do a lot of stuff outside of our home, and frankly keeping it tidy falls to the bottom of the list most of the time. We're all fine. Show yourself some grace.

Posting here is the first step toward asking for help!


You can do this OP. Pick a small area, clean it up and reward yourself. Think SMALL -- one counter, or the kitchen table, or the shoes in the foyer. Heck, the 3 year old can match up the shoes in the foyer.

Flylady.com is great for tackling projects like this. She also talks about taking time for yourself to rest a bit between cleaning, work, etc. Praise yourself for what you CAN do, don't beat yourself up for what you haven't done yet.

I also like the concept behind 40 Bags in 40 Days on whitehouseblackshutters.com. It started as a way to form a good habit during lent, but you can really do it any time -- each day, you pick one area and clean it out. You're not really filling 40 bags. Sometimes you'll do 4 in a day, others you're dealing with the insurance reimbursement fight that you've put off, etc. I really like it, as do my closets, drawers, counters etc.


Baby steps, OP. Your house did not get messy in a day and you can't clean it in an evening. Make little bits of progress and you will see a tremendous difference in a week.

ALso, do you have any friends who are good at this sort of thing? I have one very cluttered friend who admired the way I organized things in my kitchen cabinets. I'd learned it from an old roommate and offered to come help her reorganize her cabinets, which also led to us doing the bookshelves. Ask for help and you'll be surprised who steps up!

I admittedly haven't read the other posts, but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. You sound like a truly wonderful mother and none of us can do it all, especially when dealing with depression. I wanted to share that my aunt has a perpetually messy house and also deals with depression from time to time and her children are some of the most high functioning I know in terms of their general empathy for others, love of life, understanding of themselves etc. They felt loved, cared for, and seen at home by their mom and that was the most important thing. They are high functioning adults living on their own as well One step at a time. It sounds like you are doing everything that you can and if that's the thing that has to drop I really think it's ok.

I hope that others in your life are able to provide support to make this a little easier on you at some point. My only encouragement would be to ask for help if you can. Reach out to those that care about you and tell them what would really help you to take a little of this weight off.