I don’t think the DH is entirely blameless here. He didn’t offer to pay for the MIL’s groceries? The MIL who moved from another state and provides full-time, likely low cost childcare? He is thoughtless and inconsiderate at best. The MIL is probably picking up on this and other concerns, such as him not being a good father, which the OP mentioned in her post. I suspect the DH is not an equal parent, which is why the OP is hanging on to her mom and is using her as the co-parent instead of forcing the DH to step up. Barring some special needs, I also find it strange that at 19 months the child already had several daycare trials and none of them worked out. If daycare really is such a poor fit and money is no object, hiring a nanny is a great alternative and would eliminate the third person in your marriage, OP. Agree with others, grandma needs to go as a childcare provider and revert to her role as grandma, or she will continue to grow even bolder and more toxic, negatively influencing the OP against her husband and the child against her other grandparents. I

Anonymous wrote:OP. You just wasted everyone’s time. You got universal advice on what yo do and you are ignoring it. Better keep your Mom close because you are about to be a single parent who will need free childcare more than ever.

This. You want advice about what you can do internally? Accept your choices. That’s all. You are choosing your mother so wrap your head around what your life will be like with her. Let your marriage go because you are not truly invested in it (at least in terms of making it your priority) and in this scenario your husband will eventually leave. Yet remember that he, and his family, will always be in your child’s life despite the poison your mother spews and you -and she since she’s not going anywhere - are going to have to cope with it. Its a shame you are going to put a child in the middle of hearing all of this though. Internally you just need to prepare for the future, not live in the present, because you don’t want to accept the reality staring you in the face.

Anonymous wrote:

Also, my marriage has been pretty rocky since we had a baby and we have been on the verge of divorce so many times. I lost a lot of love and respect for my husband. We are both trying to make this work for the sake of our kid. He is making a effort to try to become a better husband and especially a better father, which is the reason why argue all the time. My mom doesn't know this part. Hearing my mom talk about how he isn't a good son in law and how his side of the family suck is really affecting and influencing my feelings towards DH as well, which I know is not healthy at all. I'm trying my best to ignore her comments. Should I bring it up with DH at all or just keep it to myself? Is there anything I can say to my mom? My marriage is already weak as it is.

This makes it sound like H cheated on you. You, your mom & H live in the same house. You're lying to yourself if you don't think they know there is tension between all parties. You argue all the time, but your mom doesn't know? K. I think she's wrong for bad mouthing your H, but it sounds like her protective instinct is coming out. What did your H do to you?

This is where it's time all grow up and act like adults. Have a real conversation about how you feel and what your expectations are. "Mom, I love you and know you want to protect me. H & I were in a rocky spot after the baby, but he loves me & we're trying to work it out. It doesn't help when you're negative. I do need your support and love you,. I can't tolerate putting down H's family to my children. etc"

If she doesn't care to change the way she speaks about your H or to your kids, buh bye. Get a nanny.

Anonymous wrote:Why would you let someone this toxic raise your child?

I think this is cultural. The OP says she's Asian and in general that background has such a cultural expectation regardless of which Asian country we are talking about, obviously some more than others. The parents can be really horrible but the children just have to suck it up. I guess for their background the DH not buying the groceries for the MIL is a big thing however the OP needs to tell her mother that this is the way they have decided to run their marriage.

Instead OP is hiding, she is afraid to be truthful with her mother so she is throwing her husband under the bus and letting her mother talk negatively about him, when she herself is probably not a very good daughter in law, in Asian standards.

Op you want to know how to deal with this internally because you are basically saying that because of your cultural conditioning you cannot speak up to your mother. Well you'll have to take every bit of poison your mother throws at you and try to shrug it off, no matter how much it hurts or how much it damages your marriage. Apart from not caring what she thinks which by the sounds of it you care very much means that I don't think things will get better until your child is older and your mother has returned home.

It's amazing in some of these cultures how atrociously people can be treated and how abusive behaviour will be ignored because it's family. It's sad. When in reality in a healthy loving family this behaviour wouldn't be present, it's so backward to me. It just means that older women can go crazy with their meanness and no one pulls them into line.

Why would you let someone this toxic raise your child?

Anonymous wrote:Op here, this is not about money at all. Yes, she provided free childcare labor for some time, but we started giving her money monthly so she can have her own money to use. We tried several daycare places before. It just didn't work out. My toddler could not adjust and I was told maybe I should wait until she's a little older to try again. That is why we had to ask for her help again. She has her own home in another state. My DD is 19 months now, so we will start her at a preschool at 2 years old, hopefully by that time her separation anxiety is a lot better. My mom is doing us a huge favor right now. So people telling me to kick her out is not the solution, when we are the one that need her help. I guess i'm seeking for advice on what I can do internally to ignore her comments and not let it get to me. I know that she's not going to change. My husband is not aware of any of this, so it's not affecting him.

OP. You just wasted everyone’s time. You got universal advice on what yo do and you are ignoring it. Better keep your Mom close because you are about to be a single parent who will need free childcare more than ever.

“Hey, Mom. Stop talking about my marriage and my DH. Thanks.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asia is a continent, not a culture.

Anyone first generation Asian will tell you are there is indeed an Asian culture.

hmmm
So all Korean, Japanese, Vietnamese, Cambodian people all have the same culture even though they are all different countries???

Anonymous wrote:Asia is a continent, not a culture.

Anyone first generation Asian will tell you are there is indeed an Asian culture.

Asia is a continent, not a culture.

Anonymous wrote:Op here, this is not about money at all. Yes, she provided free childcare labor for some time, but we started giving her money monthly so she can have her own money to use. We tried several daycare places before. It just didn't work out. My toddler could not adjust and I was told maybe I should wait until she's a little older to try again. That is why we had to ask for her help again. She has her own home in another state. My DD is 19 months now, so we will start her at a preschool at 2 years old, hopefully by that time her separation anxiety is a lot better. My mom is doing us a huge favor right now. So people telling me to kick her out is not the solution, when we are the one that need her help. I guess i'm seeking for advice on what I can do internally to ignore her comments and not let it get to me. I know that she's not going to change. My husband is not aware of any of this, so it's not affecting him.

Not to be mean, but you sound a bit immature. It is your mom, it is your husband, it's your baby who has separation anxiety. Everything must be HIS family and MY family. Evertything people suggest you reject.
I suggest you and your DH decide how you want to run your household, you tell your mom that your husband and marriage are off limits, set boundaries and stick to them.

Moving her out is the only option. I'm sorry, I know it's not the answer you want to hear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to take care of a toddler full-time. Sounds like your mom is looking for appreciation through actions. How about you and DH finding a sitter and taking out your mom a few times? How about DH taking your mom shopping and paying for it?

Her mother told her grandchild that her other grandmother doesn't love her. She is a straight-up bitch, and she would have been out of my house right then. The only reason OP is willing to put up with this is because she actually agrees with her mom about her husband, and she doesn't care if her marriage implodes. Hope the free child care is worth it!

What does that have to do my my suggestion?

Her mom isn't some poor, underappreciated martyr just hoping for some acknowledgment. She's actively undermining her daughter's marriage and she's trying to poison her grandchild's relationship with her other grandmother. She's a bitch. Anyone who tells a kid that their grandparents don't love them is a bitch. She doesn't need "appreciation through actions," she needs a plane ticket home.

She just started daycare in march, did she not? How long did you give it a go?

Anonymous wrote:
Hearing my mom talk about how he isn't a good son in law and how his side of the family suck is really affecting and influencing my feelings towards DH as well, which I know is not healthy at all. I'm trying my best to ignore her comments. Should I bring it up with DH at all or just keep it to myself? Is there anything I can say to my mom? My marriage is already weak as it is.

Another way to look at it is badmouthing your son in law means your mother isn't a good mother in law. Badmouthing the other grandparents telling your grandchild that family doesn't love them also makes your mother suck. This should be affecting your feelings towards your mother not your husband.

Your mother is essentially trying to drive a wedge in your marriage and make your child feel less loved by other family because of her own sense of insecurity or jealousy. How do you tell your mom - you tell her that she is being hurtful to other family and to think other people's feelings and that it isn't appropriate in your household and that if you cant resolve this then she'll have to go.

Being the dutiful Asian child you won't do this, you'll let your marriage suffer.