Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

But isn’t that the case for every parent? Although DH and I woh we are still responsible for sick days, snow days, dr & dentist appt, and pick-up if one is sick. That’s just parenting.

Yeah that post was weird.

I don't believe that my husband has ever been interrupted at work to pick up a sick kid. I don't think he has ever stayed home with a sick kid. Granted, we are lucky that our kids don't get sick that often. When I say that I have been the one "on call" all of the time, I truly do mean that. This is just the way that has worked out best for us. I'm not going to say it's the best way, it has just been our way of handling things. Now that the kids are older and can drive themselves places...it is not a big deal. But when they were younger it really was a significant thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is just dumb. By your logic no parent is ever 'off duty.' OP obviously means when you're not the only adult directly supervising the children. Come on.

This. Working parents are on call too. OP means when the children are actually present.

What I find interesting about this thread, though, is all the people including nighttime/post-work hours. So if the working spouse gets home at 6 pm, the SAH spouse is still on duty? The working spouse works 9-5 (or whatever) but the SAH spouse is on duty 24/7? That seems unfair. DH and I both work out of the house and when we are in the house, either we are both on duty, or we split it up. Staying at home should not be a license for the working spouse to never lift a finger with regard to anything non-work-related.

My “rule” is that my spouse and I get an equal number of hours of relaxation time. I do think it’s wrong for a mom to do childcare from waking to bedtime while her husband gets an hour after work to relax. I’m not sure how many people really operate that way, though. If your husband works 12 hr days (and you agreed to that and benefit from the increased salary), then I think it’s fair for you to put in a longer day of childcare.

I agree with this premise generally but frankly when one spouse is providing all the expenses for the entire family, things change a bit.

I work out of the house, but why do you think that changes things? One spouse is bringing in money. The other is saving the family money (by not having to pay for childcare). I think the issue is when one spouse works harder than the other, whether that be the one who works out of the house or the one who is at home. But to divide it up by who "earns" what seems odd.

I think that I, as a SAHM, had the harder, dirtier job when our kids were little. And now that the kids are older (teens) my husband has the harder job but he also gets more perks than I do. Things have a way of balancing out.

Somebody needs to do a spin off thread on how many hours do you engage with your child.

Sleeping/showering/playdates/tv time/playing in the basement... this all is not "childcare"... nobody is 24x7

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

But isn’t that the case for every parent? Although DH and I woh we are still responsible for sick days, snow days, dr & dentist appt, and pick-up if one is sick. That’s just parenting.

Yeah that post was weird.

^True about the life maintenance time. If a husband goes into work early to use the company gym, no one bats an eye. If a mom goes into work early to use the company gym she is "away from her kids" and getting "me" time, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is just dumb. By your logic no parent is ever 'off duty.' OP obviously means when you're not the only adult directly supervising the children. Come on.

This. Working parents are on call too. OP means when the children are actually present.

What I find interesting about this thread, though, is all the people including nighttime/post-work hours. So if the working spouse gets home at 6 pm, the SAH spouse is still on duty? The working spouse works 9-5 (or whatever) but the SAH spouse is on duty 24/7? That seems unfair. DH and I both work out of the house and when we are in the house, either we are both on duty, or we split it up. Staying at home should not be a license for the working spouse to never lift a finger with regard to anything non-work-related.

My “rule” is that my spouse and I get an equal number of hours of relaxation time. I do think it’s wrong for a mom to do childcare from waking to bedtime while her husband gets an hour after work to relax. I’m not sure how many people really operate that way, though. If your husband works 12 hr days (and you agreed to that and benefit from the increased salary), then I think it’s fair for you to put in a longer day of childcare.

I agree with this premise generally but frankly when one spouse is providing all the expenses for the entire family, things change a bit.

I work out of the house, but why do you think that changes things? One spouse is bringing in money. The other is saving the family money (by not having to pay for childcare). I think the issue is when one spouse works harder than the other, whether that be the one who works out of the house or the one who is at home. But to divide it up by who "earns" what seems odd.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is just dumb. By your logic no parent is ever 'off duty.' OP obviously means when you're not the only adult directly supervising the children. Come on.

This. Working parents are on call too. OP means when the children are actually present.

What I find interesting about this thread, though, is all the people including nighttime/post-work hours. So if the working spouse gets home at 6 pm, the SAH spouse is still on duty? The working spouse works 9-5 (or whatever) but the SAH spouse is on duty 24/7? That seems unfair. DH and I both work out of the house and when we are in the house, either we are both on duty, or we split it up. Staying at home should not be a license for the working spouse to never lift a finger with regard to anything non-work-related.

Duh. This is a surprise? It’s why staying home is a bad deal for so many women. You aren’t earning a salary but you’ve taken on 24-7 work. It may make the family life better but at the expense of the woman’s self respect and her career. Some women don’t seem to mind it, but others do. Anecdotally, almost all SAHMs I know have a 1950s style relationship where they do everything at home and the husband doesn’t lift a finger.

SAHM of 3 here. I’m not necessarily off duty when DH comes home but it isn’t like DH is off when he gets home. He either watches kids while I make dinner or he will grill while I make a salad. My toddler runs to daddy and he picks her up as soon as he walks in the door. We are a well oiled machine.

If you think him picking her up is doing an equal share of parenting then you do you girl.

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

But isn’t that the case for every parent? Although DH and I woh we are still responsible for sick days, snow days, dr & dentist appt, and pick-up if one is sick. That’s just parenting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I guess I had it good. When I was a SAHM before my kid went to any preschool (first 3.5 years), my husband worked FT and still took 100% care of DD at least 1-2 hrs/day and 5-7 hours on the weekend. We had no help, no family, but...

Does your husband get 1-2 hours of weekday and 5-7 hours of weekend time with no work or kid duties? Because yours seems excessive.

Interesting perspective. My husband saw it as "you get one-on-one time with our kid about 50-55 hours a week, so I should at least get 10 or 15." He didn't see it as pure "work."

I also don't think (especially with one kid) that it's so much MORE burdensome for a dad to be the only parent on duty vs being one of two parents on duty... unless the man really abdicates most of his responsibility and attention when mom is also present. Which is probably true for most dads in hetero relationships. Couldn't be me. By having him take over, I got some time to breathe, and he wasn't unduly burdened. But a mom not doing 100% or at least 80% of the child minding (when "both parents are on duty") is a threat to some people, I guess.

Anyway, he did get a fair bit of non-work/non-kid time. You could say, "Well, most of that was just getting ready for work in the morning and having breakfast by himself while you were sleeping (because I was up at night) or you were out with the kid for a walk" but that's the kind of alone time I mostly had too. I think people often count time a SAHM spends away from kid (but engaged in life maintenance things, like showering, exercising, chores and errands) as "me time" for her, but don't count the same type of time for WAHDs as "me time," but rather "necessary for life/work time" for him. Except for a couple of the weekend hours, I wasn't doing anything spectacularly personal or indulgent, and even then, it was writing or taking a class or something. It's not like I sat around eating bonbons 10-15 hours per week, though if I did, I wouldn't care who thought it was excessive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is true for almost everyone.

It’s not true for her husband. Or mine.

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is true for almost everyone.

Three kids. 9-2:40 weekdays assuming everyone's in school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is just dumb. By your logic no parent is ever 'off duty.' OP obviously means when you're not the only adult directly supervising the children. Come on.

This. Working parents are on call too. OP means when the children are actually present.

What I find interesting about this thread, though, is all the people including nighttime/post-work hours. So if the working spouse gets home at 6 pm, the SAH spouse is still on duty? The working spouse works 9-5 (or whatever) but the SAH spouse is on duty 24/7? That seems unfair. DH and I both work out of the house and when we are in the house, either we are both on duty, or we split it up. Staying at home should not be a license for the working spouse to never lift a finger with regard to anything non-work-related.

Duh. This is a surprise? It’s why staying home is a bad deal for so many women. You aren’t earning a salary but you’ve taken on 24-7 work. It may make the family life better but at the expense of the woman’s self respect and her career. Some women don’t seem to mind it, but others do. Anecdotally, almost all SAHMs I know have a 1950s style relationship where they do everything at home and the husband doesn’t lift a finger.

SAHM of 3 here. I’m not necessarily off duty when DH comes home but it isn’t like DH is off when he gets home. He either watches kids while I make dinner or he will grill while I make a salad. My toddler runs to daddy and he picks her up as soon as he walks in the door. We are a well oiled machine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is just dumb. By your logic no parent is ever 'off duty.' OP obviously means when you're not the only adult directly supervising the children. Come on.

This. Working parents are on call too. OP means when the children are actually present.

What I find interesting about this thread, though, is all the people including nighttime/post-work hours. So if the working spouse gets home at 6 pm, the SAH spouse is still on duty? The working spouse works 9-5 (or whatever) but the SAH spouse is on duty 24/7? That seems unfair. DH and I both work out of the house and when we are in the house, either we are both on duty, or we split it up. Staying at home should not be a license for the working spouse to never lift a finger with regard to anything non-work-related.

Duh. This is a surprise? It’s why staying home is a bad deal for so many women. You aren’t earning a salary but you’ve taken on 24-7 work. It may make the family life better but at the expense of the woman’s self respect and her career. Some women don’t seem to mind it, but others do. Anecdotally, almost all SAHMs I know have a 1950s style relationship where they do everything at home and the husband doesn’t lift a finger.

I can see how it would be a truly disastrous deal for some people. But staying at home worked well for my husband and me. I think that there would have been much more resentment if we had both kept working, tbh. As it was, our roles were clearly defined and we knew who was doing what. He was the breadwinner and I stayed home and took care of the kids.

When he got off work and came home it's not like I ever went "off duty". Instead, he went on duty *with* me and together we cared for our kids. Once the kids were in bed, we enjoyed time together even though we still had to keep an ear out for the kids. It worked for us because we didn't keep score. It was a roll up your sleeves and get it done time in our lives.

Our kids are teens now and we still operate like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is just dumb. By your logic no parent is ever 'off duty.' OP obviously means when you're not the only adult directly supervising the children. Come on.

This. Working parents are on call too. OP means when the children are actually present.

What I find interesting about this thread, though, is all the people including nighttime/post-work hours. So if the working spouse gets home at 6 pm, the SAH spouse is still on duty? The working spouse works 9-5 (or whatever) but the SAH spouse is on duty 24/7? That seems unfair. DH and I both work out of the house and when we are in the house, either we are both on duty, or we split it up. Staying at home should not be a license for the working spouse to never lift a finger with regard to anything non-work-related.

Duh. This is a surprise? It’s why staying home is a bad deal for so many women. You aren’t earning a salary but you’ve taken on 24-7 work. It may make the family life better but at the expense of the woman’s self respect and her career. Some women don’t seem to mind it, but others do. Anecdotally, almost all SAHMs I know have a 1950s style relationship where they do everything at home and the husband doesn’t lift a finger.