You don’t sound very nice. Come across very cold.

If your DH was a devoted father, he would have been open to making amends with his own daughter, who was a child when things were bad, for her sake and for his own. Giving his daughter a real chance is a gift you give him, and his son. If she has true issues that cause you problems than reevaluate. Honestly, it sounds like you are the one who is carrying the grudge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a question for you, OP. Why do you start by noting that your husband was ill for most of your short marriage? I can’t work out how that’s relevant enough to be an opening statement to your dilemma.

Also, I can’t get beyond the statement that follows that one:

“He was a wonderful man, very kind, very patient, and very taken advantage of by his-then teenage daughter.”

How old were you then? It sounds like an immature thing to think (and highly improbable - she was a kid).

I’m just not buying it. Did you feel you were in competition?

Sounds like there was immediate resentment on OP’s side that her new husband already had a kid, and that he evidently fulfilled his basic responsibilities to that kid.

No, she resents how the child treated her Dad. OP was the primary caregiver, as she should be, but kid was lousy behaved. This was also a parenting issue if parents did nothing about it, and if mom was the custodial parent and jealous, she may have encouraged the behavior.

One person in this scenario was a child; one was an adult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So she was a teen when her divorced father met someone else, got married, had another child with the new wife, and was ill and died?

Excuse me, but that is COMPLETELY TRAUMATIZING for a teenager to go through. Normal teens with happy home lives can be impossible, but this???

I would forgive her and start afresh. Truly. You have no idea what she suffered during those years. You have no idea how that teen period affected her college years and young adulthood. She's probably scarred for life.

+1 although this perspective is probably too generous for the internet crowd

She wasn't a genocide survivor. Please don't throw around the term 'trauma' so easily. Life is complicated- her dad and mom split. She still had her needs taken care of so I don't know what her problem is. This "Woe is me" attitude is not working for many young people who like to think of themselves as troubled in this day and age.

Please go read some of the trauma / trauma-informed literature about how adverse childhood experiences change the architecture of the brain. Then come back and tell us divorce and death is not trauma.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a question for you, OP. Why do you start by noting that your husband was ill for most of your short marriage? I can’t work out how that’s relevant enough to be an opening statement to your dilemma.

Also, I can’t get beyond the statement that follows that one:

“He was a wonderful man, very kind, very patient, and very taken advantage of by his-then teenage daughter.”

How old were you then? It sounds like an immature thing to think (and highly improbable - she was a kid).

I’m just not buying it. Did you feel you were in competition?

Sounds like there was immediate resentment on OP’s side that her new husband already had a kid, and that he evidently fulfilled his basic responsibilities to that kid.

No, she resents how the child treated her Dad. OP was the primary caregiver, as she should be, but kid was lousy behaved. This was also a parenting issue if parents did nothing about it, and if mom was the custodial parent and jealous, she may have encouraged the behavior.

Anonymous wrote:I have a question for you, OP. Why do you start by noting that your husband was ill for most of your short marriage? I can’t work out how that’s relevant enough to be an opening statement to your dilemma.

Also, I can’t get beyond the statement that follows that one:

“He was a wonderful man, very kind, very patient, and very taken advantage of by his-then teenage daughter.”

How old were you then? It sounds like an immature thing to think (and highly improbable - she was a kid).

I’m just not buying it. Did you feel you were in competition?

Sounds like there was immediate resentment on OP’s side that her new husband already had a kid, and that he evidently fulfilled his basic responsibilities to that kid.

I have a question for you, OP. Why do you start by noting that your husband was ill for most of your short marriage? I can’t work out how that’s relevant enough to be an opening statement to your dilemma.

Also, I can’t get beyond the statement that follows that one:

“He was a wonderful man, very kind, very patient, and very taken advantage of by his-then teenage daughter.”

How old were you then? It sounds like an immature thing to think (and highly improbable - she was a kid).

I’m just not buying it. Did you feel you were in competition?

OP, I get how you feel. If I had a stepdaughter who behaved in this manner, especially towards my sick, dying husband, I too wouldn't feel very forgiving. Let me give you the other perspective. I'm a divorced mom of three kids. My ex-DH was a terrible father when my oldest was young. Ex-DH was in a very stressful job and just had a lot of unresolved issues. By the time my younger two were old enough to really be aware of what was going on, Ex-DH has resolved a lot of his issues. He's a much nicer spouse to his current partner than he ever was to me. My oldest is a teen now and still is resentful toward his dad because he wonders how his dad is so nice to his current partner but was just a jerk to "a helpless kid." I've explained to DS that people evolve and his dad is trying now so focus on that. Maybe you got a different version on your DH than his DD grew up with. I'm working hard to help DS resolve his feelings of resentment, but he's having a hard time. I have made it clear that he must be polite/respectful to his dad's new partner because she has nothing to do with what transpired before she came on the scene. I can see DS realizing as he matures that he needs to resolve his feelings toward his dad. It's possible that your stepdaughter has matured and realizes that she was out of line with how she treated you. If you have no interest in a relationship with her, just ignore her. If you do decide to connect with her make sure there is never any money going from you to her so you'll always know that she genuinely wants to make amends. It's entirely your choice what you do. My only suggestion is maybe try to let go of your resentment toward her. Divorce and the impact on kids can be complicated.

I think the PP’s point was that having your parent die when you are just out of childhood is traumatic. Don’t make it a competition where no one’s trauma counts unless it rises to whatever level you deem is appropriate. Divorce + death is traumatic for a child. That you don’t realize that invalidates any other “insight” you have about “young people” and their emotions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So she was a teen when her divorced father met someone else, got married, had another child with the new wife, and was ill and died?

Excuse me, but that is COMPLETELY TRAUMATIZING for a teenager to go through. Normal teens with happy home lives can be impossible, but this???

I would forgive her and start afresh. Truly. You have no idea what she suffered during those years. You have no idea how that teen period affected her college years and young adulthood. She's probably scarred for life.

+1 although this perspective is probably too generous for the internet crowd

She wasn't a genocide survivor. Please don't throw around the term 'trauma' so easily. Life is complicated- her dad and mom split. She still had her needs taken care of so I don't know what her problem is. This "Woe is me" attitude is not working for many young people who like to think of themselves as troubled in this day and age.

Completely out of line.

Divorce is so common in this country ...do you honestly think it's traumatizing? Unless it involves abuse, the effects of divorce on children is overblown.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So she was a teen when her divorced father met someone else, got married, had another child with the new wife, and was ill and died?

Excuse me, but that is COMPLETELY TRAUMATIZING for a teenager to go through. Normal teens with happy home lives can be impossible, but this???

I would forgive her and start afresh. Truly. You have no idea what she suffered during those years. You have no idea how that teen period affected her college years and young adulthood. She's probably scarred for life.

+1 although this perspective is probably too generous for the internet crowd

She wasn't a genocide survivor. Please don't throw around the term 'trauma' so easily. Life is complicated- her dad and mom split. She still had her needs taken care of so I don't know what her problem is. This "Woe is me" attitude is not working for many young people who like to think of themselves as troubled in this day and age.

Completely out of line.

Anonymous wrote:If this is OP writing that step daughter is not a genocide survivor...well that kind of flippant and nasty attitude just tells us all we need to know. That young woman should stop contacting widow step monster.

No, that wasn't OP. I'm saying like it is. The stepdaughter is imposing on her father's widow and that's not cool. OP already said she's sold the house and moved away so how exactly is the half-sister supposed to see OP's son? I hate reading threads where people assume that the woman needs to bend over backwards for people who don't even appreciate her and no one wants to admit it, but really we only expect it because OP is a woman. If she were a guy, no one would be calling her names.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someday your son will be curious about his sister. If you keep them apart, make sure you’ll be comfortable explaining why to him later.

Does he have contact with any of his father’s family?

One day you'll be dead, and your son may wish he had some blood relatives.

He has blood relatives but blood is overrated.

If this is OP writing that step daughter is not a genocide survivor...well that kind of flippant and nasty attitude just tells us all we need to know. That young woman should stop contacting widow step monster.

Anonymous wrote:Someday your son will be curious about his sister. If you keep them apart, make sure you’ll be comfortable explaining why to him later.

Does he have contact with any of his father’s family?

One day you'll be dead, and your son may wish he had some blood relatives.