Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom's parents both died before this became an issue.
My dad's mother lived to be 99. In the last two years of her life the money left to her ran out. My dad did next to nothing. Let her "friend" take care of things. Grandma ended up in a Medicaid facility in Broward County. It was horrific. She declined very rapidly after that.

I resent my dad so much for not doing anything for her. He's gonna get the same.

Why didn't you help? My MIL is in a medicaid unit. We'd love to do more but we cannot afford to. You have no idea what its like. I was the primary caretaker in my home for a year. I could not leave her alone which meant my kids could not go to preschool or their therapy appointments often and the adult day care was horrible so that was not an option nor could she ride in the car much. I spend my days filing complaints, dealing with the ombudsman, adult protective services, etc. but we cannot move her because few facilities will take medicaid (I have tried several times).

I was in college, living hand to mouth, taking classes full-time and working almost full-time. I saved her from being evicted from her apartment and being put out on the street because I visited her at just the right time and saw paperwork in her kitchen. I insisted to my father she couldn’t keep living on her own after watching her struggle through her daily routine and piss herself all day long. I did the best I could at the time to hold his feet to the fire and even then he needed handholding from his cousin. When the money from my great-uncle’s estate ran out and she was kicked out of her decent nursing home, she went to some random Medicaid facility that was horrible. By this time I was living on my own in DC making $40k a year, maybe 10 years ago. I gave him every single possible informational resource to find her a better place. He signed over power of attorney to her “friend” (who we suspect stole from her) and refused to do anything.

I visited her when she first moved into that place and right before she died and the decline was unbelieveable. Yes she was very old. But she didn’t deserve for my dad to abandon her like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- the only additional thing I will flag is that taking care of an older person can be back breaking work, but if it’s a relative you love, it also give a sense of closure and a contour to the end of life. I see a lot of people on this post who also recognize how much is wrong about this system, so that gives me hope.

With all the boomers retiring they really need to give a tax credit for those who have the elderly in their home, just like they give a child tax credit.

I worry about the situation described by the poster who had an elderly relative, confined to a wheel chair being basically left alone all day while caregivers worked full time jobs outside of the home.

She had a roof over her head and food but the quality of her care was exceptionally low to non-existent.

Ok, so who will pay for care in the home. Its a huge issue. If you had an issue with it, you could have offered to help. A tax credit would not help us at all as a few thousand will pay for what a month of care at best? What about the extra space we need due to a small house? What about all the extra expenses like depends that medicaid covers in a nursing home vs. will not pay if at home?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom's parents both died before this became an issue.
My dad's mother lived to be 99. In the last two years of her life the money left to her ran out. My dad did next to nothing. Let her "friend" take care of things. Grandma ended up in a Medicaid facility in Broward County. It was horrific. She declined very rapidly after that.

I resent my dad so much for not doing anything for her. He's gonna get the same.

Have you checked out the annual cost or even just the monthly cost of a nursing home? Your dad probably couldn't afford to move her anywhere better.

20 years ago when my dad was in a nursing home it cost 48K/year and that was for the basics. And, since you have no idea how long they'll live you don't know if they'll be there for 1 year or 20 years. How do you budget for that and try to keep a roof over your own head at the same time?

You just have to pick the lesser of the evils in that situation. It's sad.

Many people work their entire lives and still never can save at a minimum wage job. Think about all the service workers and workers who work at the nursing homes on minimum wage. People make it so easy but its not.

Anonymous wrote:Medicaid barely pays the cost to run even a bare bones facility so they need to cut corners, or subsidize the Medicaid patients with self-pay or insurance. Especially if it’s a for-profit chain—the get the same Medicaid dollars as the religious places and so they are making profits by cutting corners or under-staffing. The government really needs to raise the Medicaid rates and cut down on Medicare fraud.
The federal government runs a rating system but most people don’t even know it exists or bother to check it.

Medicaid pays slightly less but not as much as you think. Many people are on it as even if they saved, they eventually run out of money. Our nursing home does not discriminate - they treat full pay and medicaid the same - poorly. They all have bare bones staff. Ours spent the money on building a new rehab unit vs. patient care. There is huge medicaid fraud. They force you to use their doctors who insist in seeing your loved one weekly to monthly and charge even though its a 5 minute visit or they have a PA or just read the staff notes. We get bill notices from medicaid for doctors we have never heard of or authorized and when we call medicaid they ignore it. Ours is a well rated home so that doesn't really matter as what looks good on the outside is very different and they cannot always ding them for issues if there isn't clear proof.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- the only additional thing I will flag is that taking care of an older person can be back breaking work, but if it’s a relative you love, it also give a sense of closure and a contour to the end of life. I see a lot of people on this post who also recognize how much is wrong about this system, so that gives me hope.

With all the boomers retiring they really need to give a tax credit for those who have the elderly in their home, just like they give a child tax credit.

No. The rest of us should not have to subsidize the poor planning of the loathsome Boomers.

Medicaid barely pays the cost to run even a bare bones facility so they need to cut corners, or subsidize the Medicaid patients with self-pay or insurance. Especially if it’s a for-profit chain—the get the same Medicaid dollars as the religious places and so they are making profits by cutting corners or under-staffing. The government really needs to raise the Medicaid rates and cut down on Medicare fraud.
The federal government runs a rating system but most people don’t even know it exists or bother to check it.

Anonymous wrote:My mom's parents both died before this became an issue.
My dad's mother lived to be 99. In the last two years of her life the money left to her ran out. My dad did next to nothing. Let her "friend" take care of things. Grandma ended up in a Medicaid facility in Broward County. It was horrific. She declined very rapidly after that.

I resent my dad so much for not doing anything for her. He's gonna get the same.

Why didn't you help? My MIL is in a medicaid unit. We'd love to do more but we cannot afford to. You have no idea what its like. I was the primary caretaker in my home for a year. I could not leave her alone which meant my kids could not go to preschool or their therapy appointments often and the adult day care was horrible so that was not an option nor could she ride in the car much. I spend my days filing complaints, dealing with the ombudsman, adult protective services, etc. but we cannot move her because few facilities will take medicaid (I have tried several times).

Anonymous wrote:I am from a rural place. FWIW, family tends to do a lot more care there, when possible. It is also far easier/cheaper to hire day help. My aunt, who is a bit slow but reliable, took care of my grandma and now her job is taking care of other old people for $12 an hour. She loves to pamper them, cook meals, and isn’t afraid of the dirty work.

The rest of the family supplements her. My dad gives her half a beef (so like 300 lbs of grass fed Angus from his farm) per year and reroofed her house when it needed it. She has a large garden.

Many families take care of each other this way and I will care for my parents when they need it. My brother will probably care for dad, and I will get mom as they are divorced. I have already cared for her through several surgeries. It is just what families do. At some point, though, people require too much care to make it feasible. My grandfather had a stroke and there was no way to care for him at home. My grandmother died of cancer and we could staff her with assistance from churches and hospice finding people.

You clearly have no idea what its like to take care of someone with moderate dementia with no help. If you can afford to pay for help, yes that makes it easier but you really don't have any idea.

Anonymous wrote:My mom's parents both died before this became an issue.
My dad's mother lived to be 99. In the last two years of her life the money left to her ran out. My dad did next to nothing. Let her "friend" take care of things. Grandma ended up in a Medicaid facility in Broward County. It was horrific. She declined very rapidly after that.

I resent my dad so much for not doing anything for her. He's gonna get the same.

Have you checked out the annual cost or even just the monthly cost of a nursing home? Your dad probably couldn't afford to move her anywhere better.

20 years ago when my dad was in a nursing home it cost 48K/year and that was for the basics. And, since you have no idea how long they'll live you don't know if they'll be there for 1 year or 20 years. How do you budget for that and try to keep a roof over your own head at the same time?

You just have to pick the lesser of the evils in that situation. It's sad.

Anonymous wrote:My mom's parents both died before this became an issue.
My dad's mother lived to be 99. In the last two years of her life the money left to her ran out. My dad did next to nothing. Let her "friend" take care of things. Grandma ended up in a Medicaid facility in Broward County. It was horrific. She declined very rapidly after that.

I resent my dad so much for not doing anything for her. He's gonna get the same.

Maybe she declined rapidly because she was 97 yrs old. Even with the best care, no one lives forever.

You are just looking for an excuse not to take care of your dad.

My mom's parents both died before this became an issue.
My dad's mother lived to be 99. In the last two years of her life the money left to her ran out. My dad did next to nothing. Let her "friend" take care of things. Grandma ended up in a Medicaid facility in Broward County. It was horrific. She declined very rapidly after that.

I resent my dad so much for not doing anything for her. He's gonna get the same.

I am from a rural place. FWIW, family tends to do a lot more care there, when possible. It is also far easier/cheaper to hire day help. My aunt, who is a bit slow but reliable, took care of my grandma and now her job is taking care of other old people for $12 an hour. She loves to pamper them, cook meals, and isn’t afraid of the dirty work.

The rest of the family supplements her. My dad gives her half a beef (so like 300 lbs of grass fed Angus from his farm) per year and reroofed her house when it needed it. She has a large garden.

Many families take care of each other this way and I will care for my parents when they need it. My brother will probably care for dad, and I will get mom as they are divorced. I have already cared for her through several surgeries. It is just what families do. At some point, though, people require too much care to make it feasible. My grandfather had a stroke and there was no way to care for him at home. My grandmother died of cancer and we could staff her with assistance from churches and hospice finding people.

My mother-in-law is having a great time at her assisted living and probably has a better social life than me. No cooking, grocery shopping or cleaning either. She’s at the same assisted living as Sandra Day O’Connor.

I hope I have it as good when I am that old.

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother lived in an amazing assisted living place. She had her own apartment within walking distance of a college campus and as a resident she had access to so many interesting things at the college (speakers, concerts, art shows, etc.). The social scene at the assisted living place was way better than it would have been living with a busy family and she loved her time there. Once she started deteriorating, we hired nursing care to help family and we'd do rotations in staying and being with her. I will totally move to an assisted living place like that when I am older - no house or yard to care for, it's not lonely and she definitely lived longer because of the full life she had there.

This.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- the only additional thing I will flag is that taking care of an older person can be back breaking work, but if it’s a relative you love, it also give a sense of closure and a contour to the end of life. I see a lot of people on this post who also recognize how much is wrong about this system, so that gives me hope.

With all the boomers retiring they really need to give a tax credit for those who have the elderly in their home, just like they give a child tax credit.

The vast majority of those of us with elderly parents need to work full time to support our own families.