Anonymous wrote:HIGH SCHOOL. Op, you have no right to be bent out of shape that someone won't FLY to a high school graduation.

+1.

HIGH SCHOOL. Op, you have no right to be bent out of shape that someone won't FLY to a high school graduation.

OP, graduations are long and boring. There's about 2 minutes of total activity, with hours and hours of wait time. It doesn't mean she isn't proud of him or excited for him - but once you've attended one graduation, you've attended them all.

Hell, I know so many people that skipped out on their college and graduate graduations, because the ceremonies are an annoying chore. There are a million other ways you can celebrate the occasion besides sitting in a hard chair in a crowded room for hours on end.

Pretty selfish of you to think your son walking across a stage and getting a diploma--the "action" only lasting about 40 seconds--warrants an older woman to sit in a gym for three hours and get a serious case of Bleacher Butt.

They can spend quality time together another way. If she doesn't send a card or a gift? THEN you can complain. But if she acknowledges this milestone in some way, and is a generally good grandma, you need to be grateful and stop finding fault because she doesn't jump through the hoops you deem as "obligations."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't write that I extended the invitation, or that this is my mother. Of course there is nothing else going on, otherwise I would have mentioned that as well.


I think DS feels it is important for her to be there. I'm not particularly concerned with graduations personally, as I managed to avoid both my undergrad and graduate school ones, but it's not about me. I think that's what irks me--it should be about DS, not about what we, the other adults, find convenient.

Um...no. This is an invitation. It is to be accepted or declined. It's not a summons. Would it be nice if she came? Yes. But she is not obligated to if she doesn't want to, for ANY reason.

"I think DS feels"...well, what with being 18 and all, DS can get on the phone and talk to his grandma, with whom he is close, if he wants to.

You are warming up to really work yourself into a resentful place over this. Take a step back.

I didn't say it wasn't an invitation, I said *I* didn't do the inviting. Of course it's not a summons.

I clearly disagree that there is no obligation to attend important events in the life of your family. Am I really the only one that thinks there *are* familial obligations?

For flights or long drives? No.

Every family event for DH (graduations, weddings, bar mitzvahs, funerals, etc.) requires either a flight or a minimum 8 hour drive for us. We cannot attend them all, not even close.

^^also that h.s. graduations were always a big deal with a reception at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't write that I extended the invitation, or that this is my mother. Of course there is nothing else going on, otherwise I would have mentioned that as well.


I think DS feels it is important for her to be there. I'm not particularly concerned with graduations personally, as I managed to avoid both my undergrad and graduate school ones, but it's not about me. I think that's what irks me--it should be about DS, not about what we, the other adults, find convenient.

Um...no. This is an invitation. It is to be accepted or declined. It's not a summons. Would it be nice if she came? Yes. But she is not obligated to if she doesn't want to, for ANY reason.

"I think DS feels"...well, what with being 18 and all, DS can get on the phone and talk to his grandma, with whom he is close, if he wants to.

You are warming up to really work yourself into a resentful place over this. Take a step back.

I didn't say it wasn't an invitation, I said *I* didn't do the inviting. Of course it's not a summons.

I clearly disagree that there is no obligation to attend important events in the life of your family. Am I really the only one that thinks there *are* familial obligations?

I think graduations are NBD and no, I don't this qualifies for a familial obligation.

I think graduations are NBD, along with weddings, christenings, and most funerals. I still go to them because they are familial obligations and most people disagree with me that the aforementoined are NBD.

I never said weddings and funerals were NBD. Christenings on the other hand, like graduations, skip.

It sounds like you are really angry at her for not coming.

Interesting, because although death is forever a wedding ain't necessarily. But as a general rule people can't be un-graduated.

I got in huge trouble with my sister because I missed her son's graduation with a 4 -year degree from a for-profit, mostly online college (one with a relatively decent reputation, after working for a company that does Medicare audits he went to work as an accountant for Microsoft). I didn't go to a ceremony for my BA but I was a part-time student when I finished the BA requirements and actually in grad school when I officially got the bachelor's. But all my cousins who did college in traditional fashion did the cap and gown thing and it was a big deal and everyone got the photos at Christmas if not before.

Graduations are so BORING to sit through. I'd never want to go to one if I didn't have to.

I'd be happy to *celebrate* the occasion anytime though. Say, take someone out to dinner or send a gift. But I don't want to hear some dreadfully boring commencement speech followed by more blah blah blah navel gazing just to prove I love you.

I traveled to see my sister' defend her PhD dissertation and we threw her a party. I don't even think she went to the formal graduation ceremony.

I think it would be nice if grandma got herself to come to the graduation. If she flies routinely, then this trip is nbd. But I do agree with the posters who talked about how much graduations suck, how hot and boring they are, how damned uncomfortable the seating is, etc.!! An older person may just not be feeling it. If you’re having a party, can she come to the graduation party but skip the actual ceremony?

Does she visit you regularly, OP? Or would this be unusual? If it’s nit your mother, is it your MIL, and if so what does your spouse say?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take this as a blessing in disguise.

Grandma is freeing you from visits of obligation. This is awesome! You only have to visit if you feel like it. No more going because it’s the right thing to do or because you feel you should foster a relationship with her.

Holding on to that hot coal must feel good.

Wait what?

I’m saying to let it go! I’m saying that she should look at the positives of how grandma is defining the relationship.

I think you misunderstood.

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Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Maybe she has another event that she'd rather attend. Such is life. Send her photos. He's upset, but he's an 18 year old.

Is the DS graduating from high school or college? Not sure why people keep saying the kid is 18.

My mother went to my both my kids high school and college graduations but she wasn't too excited about it. My in-laws made it to one high school graduation before they both passed away. They were more excited about it. Plenty of kids at both college graduations just had parents and siblings there, not the grandparents. I think you need to respect the grandmothers wishes and move on.

That's a good point. (OP here). He's 17, actually, but it was close enough not to need correcting. It was an assumption, much like the earlier assumptions that it was my mother, that I did the inviting, and that he hasn't spoken to her, all of which I tried to correct already. Since that one was correct (it's high school, and he's the only grandchild), I left it alone.

Lesson learned: If you want people to get relevant details right, put it in your original post. None of us is Miss Cleo.

Lesson learned: don't make assumptions. Most of those details aren't relevant.

Meh, op left alot out. Age of child, age of grandma, is this high school/college/grad school/kindergarten graduation, how far does grandma have to travel, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Maybe she has another event that she'd rather attend. Such is life. Send her photos. He's upset, but he's an 18 year old.

Is the DS graduating from high school or college? Not sure why people keep saying the kid is 18.

My mother went to my both my kids high school and college graduations but she wasn't too excited about it. My in-laws made it to one high school graduation before they both passed away. They were more excited about it. Plenty of kids at both college graduations just had parents and siblings there, not the grandparents. I think you need to respect the grandmothers wishes and move on.

That's a good point. (OP here). He's 17, actually, but it was close enough not to need correcting. It was an assumption, much like the earlier assumptions that it was my mother, that I did the inviting, and that he hasn't spoken to her, all of which I tried to correct already. Since that one was correct (it's high school, and he's the only grandchild), I left it alone.

Lesson learned: If you want people to get relevant details right, put it in your original post. None of us is Miss Cleo.

Lesson learned: don't make assumptions. Most of those details aren't relevant.

They are to those of you who don't get that whether or not you think something is an "obligation" is irrelevant when the decision is, ultimately, up to someone else. Some will wonder about health, or traveling distance, or whether the moon is in the second house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars. But at the end of the day, it is an invitation, and grandma is the one who gets to decide whether she wants to accept or decline.

Here's what we do know about Grandma: she's a good grandma, but you don't much like her. And that's fine--complain and vent away. But don't dress it up like asking for advice or perspective.

How old is grandma, op? I agree with pps, graduations can be tough events for the audience to sit through, especially an older person. I know you said she travels, but I'm sure she makes more comfortable arrangements for herself than she'll find in a high school auditorium or football field.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Maybe she has another event that she'd rather attend. Such is life. Send her photos. He's upset, but he's an 18 year old.

Is the DS graduating from high school or college? Not sure why people keep saying the kid is 18.

My mother went to my both my kids high school and college graduations but she wasn't too excited about it. My in-laws made it to one high school graduation before they both passed away. They were more excited about it. Plenty of kids at both college graduations just had parents and siblings there, not the grandparents. I think you need to respect the grandmothers wishes and move on.

That's a good point. (OP here). He's 17, actually, but it was close enough not to need correcting. It was an assumption, much like the earlier assumptions that it was my mother, that I did the inviting, and that he hasn't spoken to her, all of which I tried to correct already. Since that one was correct (it's high school, and he's the only grandchild), I left it alone.

Lesson learned: If you want people to get relevant details right, put it in your original post. None of us is Miss Cleo.

Lesson learned: don't make assumptions. Most of those details aren't relevant.

Anonymous wrote:Interesting the comments here. My nephew is graduating in a few weeks and I am absolutely flying to be there as he asked me and wants me there. My parents are going, too. If I couldn't afford it I would do something else but seems strange to me that a grandmother wouldn't want to see her grandchild celebrate this milestone. Sorry your son's feelings are hurt OP, but probably a good life lesson for him, here.

Be sure, as a 40something or whatever, to judge a woman likely in her mid-sixties/early 70s for not wanting to sit on a bleacher or a folding chair for three hours.