Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry that if I sah my sons will think their mommy and eventually their wife exists to make life run smoothly for them and their “important” work

This is kind of my perspective too. I would not say that I “worry” about it, but as a mother of sons I really feel like it is incredibly important for them to see their father and I doing the same things. Both working, both taking care of the house, and both taking care of them. My husband’s mother worked and I really feel like this is such a huge part of the reason he is incredible around the house. Studies also support that.

+1000

Both my husband and I had mothers who worked out of the house and we easily split things 50/50.

There are definitely studies that men whose mothers worked are more equal household partners.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry that if I sah my sons will think their mommy and eventually their wife exists to make life run smoothly for them and their “important” work

This is kind of my perspective too. I would not say that I “worry” about it, but as a mother of sons I really feel like it is incredibly important for them to see their father and I doing the same things. Both working, both taking care of the house, and both taking care of them. My husband’s mother worked and I really feel like this is such a huge part of the reason he is incredible around the house. Studies also support that.

+1000

Both my husband and I had mothers who worked out of the house and we easily split things 50/50.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a child I remember thinking the mothers of my friends who had big jobs like architects and doctors were amazing. YMMV.

Me too! I was really envious of kids who had moms with jobs and once I was old enough, kind of embarassed of my mother's lack of career. She was teaching us to go out and be successful and it was like, "so why the failure to launch, Mom?"

Eww what a horrid child. So superficial.

I work because:
- my mom was a SAHM and it obviously wasn't enough for her. By the time we were in school she became depressed because it was so hard to get back into an "important" job. I've had to listen to her unhappiness about this ever since and I'm 35. YMMV, but I didn't want that for myself or my kids.
- I LOVED daycare as a kid - only went a half day twice a week but it was SO much more fun than staying home with my mom
- I took a year off work when my first child was born and have myself permission to see if that would make me happy. After my baby started crawling and needed more interaction I would "check out" mentally and be on my phone a lot. Now that I'm working again I get less time with my kids but it's purely quality time which is more important to me
- most importantly probably, I am very lucky to have a flexible job/hours so I never feel like I'm "missing" anything. If my child has an important event or I just want to take a personal day to be at the zoo or pool with them I can. So many moms I know want to do SOMETHING, but they don't want to work crazy hours and it's really hard to find PT or flexible full time work

I'm 50yo and grew up in a small New England town. Didn't know anyone whose mother worked FT. I only had a dim idea that there were women my parents' age who had gone to college (mine certainly hadn't.) My own mother was a world class rock star SAHM, fantastic in every way, and it never occurred to me that I *wouldn't* go to college or work FT. So as far as I'm concerned, kids' perceptions of parents' career choices are a whole lot less important than raising kids to aspire to their dreams.

I've had a really interesting career, make a reasonably decent (not crazy) salary, do work that at least occasionally is intellectually stimulating, AND have tons of flexibility. Will that influence my 2 boys in their careers or in the types of family choices they make? I have zero clue. I hope they do what they love and I hope they can find a way to get as lucky as I've been in terms of both kids and jobs.

We did not consider our daughters' viewpoints when making that decision, but we explain the fact that we both work the same way we would if one of us stays home - that we want them to be able to do what makes them happy in life. My parents both have/had (my mom is retired, my dad is not) careers that they love that paid them well and gave them flexibility to spend a lot of time with their kids. My husband's parents had jobs, not careers, that they hated and couldn't wait to leave. My husband and I have both gotten ourselves to the point where we love what we do and we're paid well and have a ton of flexibility. I want my daughters to be lucky enough to do what they love, regardless of what that is. And I say this as someone paying for private school tuition - I would not be upset if they ended up staying at home after college or grad school if that's what they choose. I just hope they're lucky enough to be able to make a choice.

Anonymous wrote:As a child I remember thinking the mothers of my friends who had big jobs like architects and doctors were amazing. YMMV.

Me too! I was really envious of kids who had moms with jobs and once I was old enough, kind of embarassed of my mother's lack of career. She was teaching us to go out and be successful and it was like, "so why the failure to launch, Mom?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully expect that, in a few years, my teenage daughters will explain how my career ruined their lives. Unless I stay home at some point between now and then, in which they'll explain that my being lazy is ruining their lives.

How is not working for money being lazy?

Plus one. I mean, come on, seriously. Signed, working mom

I think that was a tongue-in-cheek comment about kids being jerks.

That just whooshed right over their heads.

If I didn't need the income, which I do, and I didn't get divorced, which I did, I'd probably would have chosen to work PT. My kids' perception would have nothing to do with it, but I'd love for one parent to be more available to the kids growing up if possible. But it wasn't.

I now SAH, but I worked for over a decade in a demanding field. I want my kids to know that women can do anything, but life requires making tough choices and sacrifices for people you love. I hope to get back to work someday, but my family needs me at home right now. If I had been the breadwinner, I would have expected DH to SAH.

You can't control your kids' perceptions either way. What you hope they will feel is often the opposite of what they end up feeling, and their perceptions will change over time, including when they have kids themselves.

So, do what works for your family and raise them not to be judgmental of other peoples needs and choices.

I SAH and worry what my kids take from it.

Anonymous wrote:No, we base our decisions on what is best for our family, not what our kids may or may not think of it.

+1

We certainly explain to our kids why we make some of the choices we make, but we don't take their personal opinion of our financial decisions into account.

I work out of the home, but somehow I tricked my kids. They know I “work” but when push comes to shove, they say I cook, clean, shop, manage the family, etc. They describe me as a SAH parent. I have a job that is flexible enough for me to frequently be at school, chaperone, cover days off, etc. For me- it is insane and hectic. But my kids truly believe they have 100% of me.

Anonymous wrote:I worry that if I sah my sons will think their mommy and eventually their wife exists to make life run smoothly for them and their “important” work

This is kind of my perspective too. I would not say that I “worry” about it, but as a mother of sons I really feel like it is incredibly important for them to see their father and I doing the same things. Both working, both taking care of the house, and both taking care of them. My husband’s mother worked and I really feel like this is such a huge part of the reason he is incredible around the house. Studies also support that.