Anonymous
03/03/2019 23:01
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, is the problem that he vetoed her fun purchases in the past, or that this recent new purchase is a time suck, or that he generally is not helpful around the house, or that he's the fun police, or what?
What is it, exactly, that the OP expects or wants her husband to do, given that he did purchase the "boat"? What does she want to do?
Nag, whine, complain, and cry some more?
Demand he do what?
Maybe the real problem is that OP is piss poor at personal time management and that's why she's overwhelmed.
Who knows what the real problem is, OP's post is all over the place. They've been struggling for control of the relationship for the whole time, this is just the most recent example.
OP wants to be able to boss her husband around and tell him what to do, and he isn't accepting of that role.
OP thinks her husband is the fun police. Really?
I think it would be a helpful if you stopped projecting your own stuff all over OP. Your writing style is very distinctive, and it's a clear pattern.
I think you should stop telling other posters how to post.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 23:00
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Well if the item is in the house, maybe he can be on kid duty while he does it.
Is it an airstream?
Maybe it’s a plane.
OP if your real problem is division of labor, work on that.
I think the real problem is a bit more subtle.
It's more about OP's struggle with her husband as to who "controls" the marriage.
They have a fundamentally dysfunctional, oppositional relationship style, rather than a cooperative one. It is a zero sum game.
So, each perceives the other getting something they want, as a personal loss. No one can "win" unless the other "loses."
OP, maybe you need to start solving this by reframing your whole relationship concept.
?Instead of viewing your husband's boat purchase as a loss to yourself, why don't you try to view it as a positive?
He got something he really wanted, something that makes him happy. That should make you happy too.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 22:58
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Well, is the problem that he vetoed her fun purchases in the past, or that this recent new purchase is a time suck, or that he generally is not helpful around the house, or that he's the fun police, or what?
What is it, exactly, that the OP expects or wants her husband to do, given that he did purchase the "boat"? What does she want to do?
Nag, whine, complain, and cry some more?
Demand he do what?
Maybe the real problem is that OP is piss poor at personal time management and that's why she's overwhelmed.
Who knows what the real problem is, OP's post is all over the place. They've been struggling for control of the relationship for the whole time, this is just the most recent example.
OP wants to be able to boss her husband around and tell him what to do, and he isn't accepting of that role.
OP thinks her husband is the fun police. Really?
I think it would be a helpful if you stopped projecting your own stuff all over OP. Your writing style is very distinctive, and it's a clear pattern.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 22:56
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Well, is the problem that he vetoed her fun purchases in the past, or that this recent new purchase is a time suck, or that he generally is not helpful around the house, or that he's the fun police, or what?
What is it, exactly, that the OP expects or wants her husband to do, given that he did purchase the "boat"? What does she want to do?
Nag, whine, complain, and cry some more?
Demand he do what?
Maybe the real problem is that OP is piss poor at personal time management and that's why she's overwhelmed.
Who knows what the real problem is, OP's post is all over the place. They've been struggling for control of the relationship for the whole time, this is just the most recent example.
OP wants to be able to boss her husband around and tell him what to do, and he isn't accepting of that role.
OP thinks her husband is the fun police. Really?
What is it, exactly, that the OP expects or wants her husband to do, given that he did purchase the "boat"? What does she want to do?
Nag, whine, complain, and cry some more?
Demand he do what?
Maybe the real problem is that OP is piss poor at personal time management and that's why she's overwhelmed.
Who knows what the real problem is, OP's post is all over the place. They've been struggling for control of the relationship for the whole time, this is just the most recent example.
OP wants to be able to boss her husband around and tell him what to do, and he isn't accepting of that role.
OP thinks her husband is the fun police. Really?
Anonymous
03/03/2019 22:52
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Well if the item is in the house, maybe he can be on kid duty while he does it.
Is it an airstream?
Maybe it’s a plane.
OP if your real problem is division of labor, work on that.
Is it an airstream?
Maybe it’s a plane.
OP if your real problem is division of labor, work on that.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 21:24
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.
This is just masking the issue at hand.
+1 This is what OP said: "Spouse wanted to buy something on impulse that I felt would be a huge time suck and would result in adding more to my overflowing plate because of the time commitment"
How would it be a huge time suck for her, if her spouse bought this thing? It might be a huge time suck for him.
How is it a huge time suck for her?
It sounds like she needs to do work on the weekends (As she mentions big law hours) which likely means husband needs to be on kid duty. If he is out on his boat type structure then she is doing both kid duty and work duty or needs to do work later when she might otherwise have relaxed
I don't understand why OP framed this as her husband getting to impulse-purchase something over her veto, and then ranted on about all the times her wishes to purchase something had been vetoed by him in the past; but now it's about her not having enough time, or him not having enough time, or something?
No. This is about OP being butthurt that she deprived herself of purchasing things she had wanted, based on her husband's veto; but then her husband ignored her retaliatory veto of the recent purchase. Op is trying to turn it into a rationalization of why her veto was legitimate, that it will be a time suck.
But the way she described the fight, and their history, actually makes it sound like the real reason she vetoed the purchase was retaliation for prior vetoes by her husband.
She is making a big law salary, that's hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. I think she could probably hire a baby sitter or housekeeper if that's the issue.
Reread the OP. Nowhere does she mention that money is the issue on this purchase or the ones she wanted that her DH vetoed. Quite the opposite. She talks about time and her husband being the fun police.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 21:10
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m posting because I’m not really sure how to handle and where to go from here. Spouse and I have frequent disagreements on random things the other person wants to do. I am not using the word disagreements as a euphemism, they are typically just that- disagreements. They usually don’t end up in huge fights, typically the person wanting something doesn’t get their way if the other doesn’t agree, and is some level of bummed but we all move on.
We had a disagreement like this last night where both of us felt passionately about our side. Spouse wanted to buy something on impulse that I felt would be a huge time suck and would result in adding more to my overflowing plate because of the time commitment, and needed to make a decision immediately. I explained how uncomfortable I was with this and then ultimately took a firmer stance and said NO. It’s also something very large so it’s not like we can shove it in a closet and forget about it. Spouse basically said F U and went and got it anyway. Literally got out of bed at night right before we were about to have sex (I’m not sure this is relevant, but it was the icing on the cake). The best example I can give would be buying a used Peloton on Craigslist at a great price and needing to buy it immediately before someone else did.
I am so PISSED. I’m just angry. And sad/hurt. There have been so many things I have wanted over the years (or even this weekend!!!) that I’ve missed out on because of spouse saying no. I feel like spouse may as well be the “fun police” who shoots down all my fun ideas and always has. I can honestly say it wouldn’t have even occurred to me to just go do these things anyway. I may complain but I would never, ever say FU and go buy the plane ticket to Europe, for example. I feel so manipulated. It’s like clearly spouse thought this through and decided I’d throw a fit but eventually move on and at the end of the day they would get their way and I would have to suck it up and get over it eventually. Like an asshole that violates HOA guidelines by building a structure after the board rejected it, simply because they wanted it so badly and knew no one would make them tear it down.
Just wondering what others would do in this case. It’s not about buying the Peloton anymore, it’s about what that represents. The more I try to “cool off” and reflect, the more betrayed I feel.
One of the problems I am quite sure both you and your spouse have, is very poor communication skills.
You never said exactly WHAT the mystery item your spouse bought actually is.
How could anyone objectively decide whether the purchase was a reasonable one, without knowing 1) what it is & 2) how much it costs (at a minimum, we would need to know those two things).
Instead, you compared it to a craigslist peloton.
But it's NOT a craigslist peloton.
Why can't you, on an anonymous message board, say what the item actually is?
Because you're a very poor communicator.
You withhold important information.
I'm sure you wife has similar traits, and I'm sure this dysfunctional interaction style has been going on throughout your relationship, on both sides.
Do you honestly believe she's incapable of naming the item? She doesn't want to be identified. And she's not asking whether the purchase is objectively reasonable. The item doesn't matter because this is not about the item, it's about jumping out of bed to go buy something (a large time sucking item) your spouse asked you not to.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 21:07
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.
This is just masking the issue at hand.
+1 This is what OP said: "Spouse wanted to buy something on impulse that I felt would be a huge time suck and would result in adding more to my overflowing plate because of the time commitment"
How would it be a huge time suck for her, if her spouse bought this thing? It might be a huge time suck for him.
How is it a huge time suck for her?
It sounds like she needs to do work on the weekends (As she mentions big law hours) which likely means husband needs to be on kid duty. If he is out on his boat type structure then she is doing both kid duty and work duty or needs to do work later when she might otherwise have relaxed
I don't understand why OP framed this as her husband getting to impulse-purchase something over her veto, and then ranted on about all the times her wishes to purchase something had been vetoed by him in the past; but now it's about her not having enough time, or him not having enough time, or something?
No. This is about OP being butthurt that she deprived herself of purchasing things she had wanted, based on her husband's veto; but then her husband ignored her retaliatory veto of the recent purchase. Op is trying to turn it into a rationalization of why her veto was legitimate, that it will be a time suck.
But the way she described the fight, and their history, actually makes it sound like the real reason she vetoed the purchase was retaliation for prior vetoes by her husband.
She is making a big law salary, that's hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. I think she could probably hire a baby sitter or housekeeper if that's the issue.
That’s how I read it too. She defers to him, but he didn’t return the favor. She spends all her free time doing things for the family, kids, house stuff, nothing for herself. She’s upset that her DH doesn’t put himself last they was she does. However, she’s clearly wealthy, so she should be able to outsource more. If you need more free time, schedule it. If you need a vacation, take one.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 21:03
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:
What did he buy?
Something for a hobby that takes a lot of time.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 21:02
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again- think a small boat that he wants to fix up, not sail, just fix up for the fun of it.
...And you told him he was not allowed to purchase the "boat" because you thought he would spend too much time playing with it, rather than spending his time the way you think he should spend his time.
And you get to dictate how he should be spending his time, why, exactly?
He gets to play, leaving more responsibility up to her, why, exactly?
Anonymous
03/03/2019 20:59
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
What did he buy?
Anonymous
03/03/2019 20:57
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.
This is just masking the issue at hand.
+1 This is what OP said: "Spouse wanted to buy something on impulse that I felt would be a huge time suck and would result in adding more to my overflowing plate because of the time commitment"
How would it be a huge time suck for her, if her spouse bought this thing? It might be a huge time suck for him.
How is it a huge time suck for her?
It sounds like she needs to do work on the weekends (As she mentions big law hours) which likely means husband needs to be on kid duty. If he is out on his boat type structure then she is doing both kid duty and work duty or needs to do work later when she might otherwise have relaxed
I don't understand why OP framed this as her husband getting to impulse-purchase something over her veto, and then ranted on about all the times her wishes to purchase something had been vetoed by him in the past; but now it's about her not having enough time, or him not having enough time, or something?
No. This is about OP being butthurt that she deprived herself of purchasing things she had wanted, based on her husband's veto; but then her husband ignored her retaliatory veto of the recent purchase. Op is trying to turn it into a rationalization of why her veto was legitimate, that it will be a time suck.
But the way she described the fight, and their history, actually makes it sound like the real reason she vetoed the purchase was retaliation for prior vetoes by her husband.
She is making a big law salary, that's hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. I think she could probably hire a baby sitter or housekeeper if that's the issue.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 20:55
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Is there just one crazy person on this thread giving OP a hard time? It’s weird.
I think so. There’s one nutter who is really harping in OP’s communication problems when it’s obvious to the rest of us OP doesn’t want to identify the item because it is unique and would identify her family.
Anyway, it sounds like the bigger issue is husband not pulling is weight with the household and caregiving duties. If we have the money, I don’t care what my husband buys, which I think is OP’s position too. It’s more that husband shouldn’t invest so much in this hobby when he hasn’t been pulling his weight. My husband likes to run marathons but it’s time consuming to train. I usually don’t have a problem with it. He wanted to sign up for a race two months after my due date. I told him hell no because training would mean not enough time helping me take care of a newborn. Husband respected me, was upset, but didn’t do it. If he did it anyway, I’d have been unbelievably angry and betrayed feeling.
The thing is with my example above — I could point to the special circumstances and I think husband could understand why he needed to devote more time to family. If OP’s husband has been getting off light all these years and doesn’t understand wHy this purchase would make things any different — maybe that’s where the disagreement is. If I were OP, I think I’d have a long uncomfortable talk with husband about all the chores I do and what I expect him to step up and do. I’d also say I need you to devote x amount of hours to hanging out with me because I need that to feel close and maintain our relationship. Then all the extra time he has he can spend on the “boat.”
Anonymous
03/03/2019 20:53
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.
This is just masking the issue at hand.
+1 This is what OP said: "Spouse wanted to buy something on impulse that I felt would be a huge time suck and would result in adding more to my overflowing plate because of the time commitment"
How would it be a huge time suck for her, if her spouse bought this thing? It might be a huge time suck for him.
How is it a huge time suck for her?
Because if he's working on that instead of doing his fair share of childcare, chores, errands, etc., then she has to pick up the slack at the expense of any free time for herself.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 20:49
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.
This is just masking the issue at hand.
+1 This is what OP said: "Spouse wanted to buy something on impulse that I felt would be a huge time suck and would result in adding more to my overflowing plate because of the time commitment"
How would it be a huge time suck for her, if her spouse bought this thing? It might be a huge time suck for him.
How is it a huge time suck for her?
It sounds like she needs to do work on the weekends (As she mentions big law hours) which likely means husband needs to be on kid duty. If he is out on his boat type structure then she is doing both kid duty and work duty or needs to do work later when she might otherwise have relaxed