Anonymous
Post 03/05/2019 18:06     Subject: RSVP cancellation
Anonymous wrote:This cannot be a real post. It sounds like the other parents opened up and were very frank about the reason for the changed RSVP and OP is imposing her (twisted) values and judging them.

You have no right. This isn't about your caring about their children. This is about you questioning someone else's parenting.


I started to wonder if this was posted by a kid who wasn't allowed to go to a party b/c his/her parents made them visit grandma. OP seems to have posted here to get support for his/her opinion. Instead, it's one of the rare times DCUM agrees to disagree with the OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/03/2019 18:03     Subject: RSVP cancellation
Anonymous wrote:My son’s birthday party is this afternoon. I just got a text from one of the families invited ( Family friends, our kids are the same age) that they aren’t coming... because they decided to visit grandma (local) because she’s depressed - her son, the kids’ uncle - died suddenly last month in her home. Seeing her grandkids makes her happy, so they’re skipping the party today.
I don’t think it’s healthy for the grandchildren to be used as emotional crutches, especially skipping a party where they would see friends they don’t get to see very often. I’m tempted to text back something to that effect but I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship.
Would you say anything?
We’ve got a lot of children coming to the party, so it’s not about the party itself. I just feel bad for the kids that they’re going to miss out on fun and instead have to cheer up grandma, in the house when their uncle died.


You are so self centered. You have a lot of kids coming and someone saying no upsets you. The declining kids are learning compassion. I'm happy that family is not attending your party.
Anonymous
Post 03/03/2019 15:26     Subject: RSVP cancellation
This cannot be a real post. It sounds like the other parents opened up and were very frank about the reason for the changed RSVP and OP is imposing her (twisted) values and judging them.

You have no right. This isn't about your caring about their children. This is about you questioning someone else's parenting.
Anonymous
Post 03/03/2019 09:06     Subject: RSVP cancellation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thank you for this perspective. Part of the reason for my post is because the text I received was “ grandma is having a hard time dealing with this and seeing the kids makes her happy so we’re not coming to the party.“ It wasn’t about spending time as a family to grieve; the way it came up to me was the kids are being used and probably don’t even want to go see her.


Not only do you want to tell this mom who to parent her child but you want to tell her how to phrase things as well? You read a lot into what others say and do and it seems that most of what you read into things is slanted by your way of thinking. I'm thankful that I don't know you IRL.


And you may not even be hearing the truth about why the invitation is being declined.
Anonymous
Post 03/03/2019 09:04     Subject: RSVP cancellation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the OP has some pretty hefty emotional baggage and is projecting on a different situation. Op, I suggest you let this one go, it’s not your business and you don’t know what’s happening in that family. Please just try and not take this personally.


Agree. OP, the wording of the text triggered bad childhood memories of your mother's depression. Take this as a red flag telling you that you may still have some emotional work to do.

The family whose early mourning situation triggered that in you is facing a totally different situation. Being in mourning a month after a traumatic death is not the same as suffering from lifelong untreated depression. Take a deep breath, step back from it, send your condolences, and offer to bring them some cake the next day.


agree


Nailed it on every point.

OP, get some help. And be kind.
Anonymous
Post 03/03/2019 08:40     Subject: RSVP cancellation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Going to see your grieving grandma after losing your uncle is not about using people as an emotional crutch. People support each other, that is a good thing. Families bond together during times of grief.


Exactly!

OP sounds like a selfish person.

It’s actually the opposite of being selfish. I’m worried about the welfare of children.
1. There’s no goody bags – it doesn’t impact goody bag count.
2. We are over the package amount of attendees, so them not coming saves me money. If I was selfish I would be happy they’re not coming.
3. I am close to my family. And I’ve lost many people in my family. Three of my cousins died in their early 20s – 2 in car accidents and 1 to cancer. I have seen the grieving of a parent when they loose a child. And I’ve seen healthy examples of grieving as well as unhealthy coping.
4. There should be a balance between grieving and allowing your children to have fun. Their grandmother lives 10 minutes away from them, they could go over there before or after the party. This would allow the children to still have some normalcy in their lives.
5. Happiness needs to come from within. Using other people for happiness is only a short term solution, and should not be a coping mechanism.


You are way too involved.


OP, I say this without judgement but you remind me a person I know who essentially learned how to be emotional by applying logical rules to situations and then reacting to those rules appropriately. This family violates your rules for proper grieving, bonding, childhood exposure to grief or death and therefore you are mad at them. You sound like someone who can't fathom that emotions and reactions exist organically and differently in others.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 16:28     Subject: Re:RSVP cancellation
Have you lost anyone close, OP? If so, think of the first time you socialized afterward and now imagine a friend texting beforehand to tell you they thought you were setting a bad example for your children by not grieving linger. What you propose is as hurtful and inappropriate as that would be.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 16:15     Subject: RSVP cancellation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You can't be serious? If so, this is one of the most self absorbed, cold posts I have read on here.

It’s not self-absorbed. I don’t think it’s healthy to spend the afternoon with a depressed grandparent as an emotional crutch. The kids do not need to be exposed to this level of depression and morbidity.


Say what?
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 16:14     Subject: RSVP cancellation
Anonymous wrote:My son’s birthday party is this afternoon. I just got a text from one of the families invited ( Family friends, our kids are the same age) that they aren’t coming... because they decided to visit grandma (local) because she’s depressed - her son, the kids’ uncle - died suddenly last month in her home. Seeing her grandkids makes her happy, so they’re skipping the party today.
I don’t think it’s healthy for the grandchildren to be used as emotional crutches, especially skipping a party where they would see friends they don’t get to see very often. I’m tempted to text back something to that effect but I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship.
Would you say anything?
We’ve got a lot of children coming to the party, so it’s not about the party itself. I just feel bad for the kids that they’re going to miss out on fun and instead have to cheer up grandma, in the house when their uncle died.


Really OP? Really?

Who are you to decide what is right for this grieving family?

They sound lovely and kind. Do you not have a close extended family? I cannot believe that you are even asking this question, and even worse, entertaining the idea of saying this to this family.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 15:37     Subject: RSVP cancellation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You can't be serious? If so, this is one of the most self absorbed, cold posts I have read on here.

It’s not self-absorbed. I don’t think it’s healthy to spend the afternoon with a depressed grandparent as an emotional crutch. The kids do not need to be exposed to this level of depression and morbidity.


It's not your business if you feel it's healthy or not. You aren't a part of their family dynamic. It sucks that your kid will miss his friends being there, but it's not a snub agaisnt you so I would really, really not treat it as such. They are going to support their grieving (possibly in crisis) mother (or MIL) and bringing their kids along. That's it.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 15:19     Subject: RSVP cancellation
OP--I would recommend you ask that this stream be deleted so that the friend doesn't see the posting. It contains too much information and will be readily identifiable to the friend.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 13:58     Subject: Re:RSVP cancellation
Your friend confided in you not to be judged but to be understood. Her family is different than yours - it's not your right to understand - just respect and support her decision.

Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 13:48     Subject: RSVP cancellation
You are selfish and judgemental. You should text something so that your friend knows what you are really like and can choose to be friends with you or not.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 13:37     Subject: RSVP cancellation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the OP has some pretty hefty emotional baggage and is projecting on a different situation. Op, I suggest you let this one go, it’s not your business and you don’t know what’s happening in that family. Please just try and not take this personally.


Agree. OP, the wording of the text triggered bad childhood memories of your mother's depression. Take this as a red flag telling you that you may still have some emotional work to do.

The family whose early mourning situation triggered that in you is facing a totally different situation. Being in mourning a month after a traumatic death is not the same as suffering from lifelong untreated depression. Take a deep breath, step back from it, send your condolences, and offer to bring them some cake the next day.


agree
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 13:37     Subject: RSVP cancellation
Wow, you didn't issue a court summons, you issued an invitation. All they owe you is accept or decline. They are now declining.

The reason doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be justified to you. Wow, I'm really glad I don't know you.