My mother was/is this way. She parented me and my sister and loves us now, loved us then. We are in our 50s. She even loves her grandchildren.

But. she is not a person who "loves" children, doesn't speak to them in public, isn't going to chat up a child in a store/restaurant/Starbucks and while she enjoyed us, she will tell you she didn't enjoy "being a mother". And we are wonderful, stable, adults who feel and felt loved by both parents.

she did all the right things, and loved us - that she didn't want to have a brood, didn't view herself as "the mother to all" etc - no biggie! She even was a girl scout leader for 4-6 graders for years (like 10 or 12) and was fabulous, those girls LOVED her.

Believe me, OP, you are doing great!

Anonymous wrote:I still feel this way sometimes and DS is 7. I think it does get better when they get older. I genuinely love watching him play his favorite sport and cheering for his team. So many things I love doing *with* him. And I think that makes it better for me. When he was a baby and toddler it was a lot harder. But I still am sticking with one and DH only wants one as well where he wanted more before we had one. I think it rocked our world more than we could prepare for and we had to take a minute to readjust.

Are you me?! Oh wait, I have a girl, but otherwise almost identical. I never wanted kids, never enjoyed parenthood much during the first few years, and now with a fun 7yo we're done.

Anonymous wrote:No shame in only wanting one. Very few people love parenting in ALL of its stages. Maybe a later one will fit you better. Maybe you'll endure being a parent. That would be sad, but not something you can do much about.

Agree with this poster.
Also, even though in my case I loved my child, I did enjoy being a mother and parenting, I could not fathom having a second child until the child was at least 2.5 years old. Just having the one child was so exhausting for so long. Plus I initially was planning to be a SAHM for the child's entire first year. I made it till Month 10 then started a FT temp job, I was going nuts not having enough adult interaction, adult conversation, and an identity other than being a Mom.

Even if you feel that this doesn't feel "right," I think there would be a lot of people feeling similar. It would be a spectrum, from ones who think they were born to be a mother, everything about it feels natural to them, to the other extreme. Just like people out there with jobs, there's a spectrum of what people feel, some feel so comfortable in their chosen career. I have been a "lawyer" for over 15 years, but it never really felt totally "right" for me or that it was the best fit for me. In the attorney world here in DC (with a super big concentration of attorneys), and having worked in the document review "temp" world for attorneys, I can tell you there are a ton of people who don't feel going to law school or becoming a lawyer was the best fit for them. So each person adapts, changes, accepts, or whatever else they choose to do about it.

For parenthood, the drastic choice would be to give up your child for adoption. But if me simply saying that is turning you off, then I guess you'll have to go the Adapt route. I think it's totally ok not to feel like motherhood is awesome or the best fit ever or something. There is so much variety/range of spectrum/differences among women. I think what you describe falls under the range of Within Average Limits.

Agree with all of the above.

Is there any mom whose favorite part of the day is NOT when their kid(s) go to sleep and they can relax and watch TV? I don’t know any.

Sounds like you are a great mom! You are obsessed with your kid. You love him. You play with him and do projects. But you didn’t lose yourself into motherhood and make yourself a martyr. You have your own activities and interests and have maintained a sense of self separate from your child. I don’t see what’s wrong with what you described.

You don’t have to be a martyr or a hot mess who is “so busy” to be a good mom. You don’t have to want more than 1 kid to be a good mom.

OP, I totally understand what you mean by "locked in" to parenthood and I'm right there with you. I think others are seeing it as like you're seeking some sort of blissful magical state that doesn't exist, but I'm betting that most people who are saying "what do you mean, locked in??" went ahead and had second kids because it seemed like a fairly natural thing to do. But you're talking about a lack of bliss that is a different order of magnitude and affects your interest in more children. I always assumed that I'd find parenthood ... different... than I do. I really thought i'd be into it. My mom talks about how when I was born, everything changed for her, how she couldn't bear to go back to work (so she stayed home), etc. etc. She is likely looking back through rose-colored lenses but also, this has been the story she's told for my whole life and I do believe her. I have never felt any of that. I love my DD, I would do anything for her, but my husband and I regularly acknowledge that maybe parenting is just not our thing. We really struggle with it, and both of us feel great dread at the thought of having a second kid. Part of that dread is probably rooted in the fact that DD was a colicky baby, still doesn't' sleep well, and has a very spirited temperament. But I think a large part is just my DH and I learning that we are not that into parenthood, and we didn't know that before we had DD. We want DD to have a sibling in theory (she's now 3.5) and had planned to try this year, but now that the time has come, we're both like... ehhhhhh we don't know if we can do this. I look back at photos of her as a baby and do feel nostalgic, but then I remember that her babyhood was spent pacing around with a crying, rigid infant. There were very few "baby snuggles" that others like to "soak up" or whatever it is that one does with baby snuggles.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a two year old who I genuinely am obsessed with. He's also a good, easy kid on the whole. I am glad he's in my life. But we've been at this for two years now, and I can't stop thinking that parenthood just isn't really my thing. I mean obviously it is now bc here we are, but it doesn't play to my strengths particularly well. I like it the best when he's sleeping and I can do the things I did before I had him.

I feel like I am two faced about this. On one hand, I am a happy, smiling mom who reads the books and sets boundaries and has a schedule for him and plays cars and sets up paint projects...but then I hear about my peers having number two and I can not even begin to fathom why anyone would like this so much they'd do it again. I'm afraid I will never truly lock in to parenthood or something, but instead just love this kid and have the good sense to be a responsible adult about bringing him up in a reasonable manner. I feel really guilty about this. Like I should have a deeper connection to this role in my life. My husband seems to have it for fatherhood and I'm scared to say something to my friends who are having kid number two and just seem so locked in. Should I go see a therapist and unpack this? Is this a symptom of having baby/toddler? Or is it ok that being a mom doesn't feel "right" for me?

That sounds fine to me. Being a parent isn't about feeling like a parent, it's about acting like a parent. I don't know what it means to "lock into parenthood." I love my kid, I make sure she's fed and clothed, I work to teach her manners and social skills, I play with her and read with her and tend her boo-boos, and to me, that's being a parent. It's not some mystical thing or the core of my identity. I love her more than my life, but sometimes I don't love the day-to-day of parenting. I think that's fine.

this is great.

Anonymous wrote:I have a two year old who I genuinely am obsessed with. He's also a good, easy kid on the whole. I am glad he's in my life. But we've been at this for two years now, and I can't stop thinking that parenthood just isn't really my thing. I mean obviously it is now bc here we are, but it doesn't play to my strengths particularly well. I like it the best when he's sleeping and I can do the things I did before I had him.

I feel like I am two faced about this. On one hand, I am a happy, smiling mom who reads the books and sets boundaries and has a schedule for him and plays cars and sets up paint projects...but then I hear about my peers having number two and I can not even begin to fathom why anyone would like this so much they'd do it again. I'm afraid I will never truly lock in to parenthood or something, but instead just love this kid and have the good sense to be a responsible adult about bringing him up in a reasonable manner. I feel really guilty about this. Like I should have a deeper connection to this role in my life. My husband seems to have it for fatherhood and I'm scared to say something to my friends who are having kid number two and just seem so locked in. Should I go see a therapist and unpack this? Is this a symptom of having baby/toddler? Or is it ok that being a mom doesn't feel "right" for me?

That sounds fine to me. Being a parent isn't about feeling like a parent, it's about acting like a parent. I don't know what it means to "lock into parenthood." I love my kid, I make sure she's fed and clothed, I work to teach her manners and social skills, I play with her and read with her and tend her boo-boos, and to me, that's being a parent. It's not some mystical thing or the core of my identity. I love her more than my life, but sometimes I don't love the day-to-day of parenting. I think that's fine.

*hit fifth or sixth grade*

The early years are intense and time feels like it moves incredibly slowly. I remember a relative telling me how some days felt 72 hours long when their kids were two.

Things get easier, and time begins speeding up once kids hit five or sixth grade. The 6-11 age range is fun. I have tweens and teens, and I choose to enjoy watching who my kids become. College looms, and time is moving very fast. How did my two year old become a 15-year-old? It really does feel like yesterday.

It doesn't seem possible from your current vantage point, OP. But time will begin to move faster. And faster. You will be amazed.

it sounds horrible but with both of my kids, i didn't really start enjoying them until they were 3. don't get me wrong -- I thought they were cute and i loved them before 2, but around 3 it got more fun.

It'll get easier and feel more natural as he gets older.

Well, before reading this thread I thought I was an awesome mom who loved my children, but I guess now I realize I’m not!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally feel this way. I am not naturally a nurturer at all. I don’t go out of my way to talk to people’s kids or hold babies throughout the day. I prefer being around adults. I love my kids, and I do all the responsible, caring things they need, but I do think certain personalities are just more naturally suited to parenting.

Who are these people who are going out of their way to talk to children or hold babies throughout the day...? What person seriously prefers hanging out with children to hanging out with adults? I think you guys have invented some kind of mother figure that doesn’t exist.

My mom loves babies and children. She voluntarily worked at a daycare because she loves taking car of children and now volunteers at a hospital with the babies. She just loves being around kids. When I had my kids, she would happily get up at 3 am when they would wake.

I am a very different type of mother. I love my kids but my love does not extend to kids generally. Just my kids. I am a good mother. I take care of them, I do lots for and with them, I teach them things and I am doing my best to raise good, healthy, productive people. Motherhood comes in many different forms. You do not need to be a super mom to be a good mom.