Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 14:59     Subject: Re:husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
Let's take a step back for a quick minute.

Can we all agree that this isn't about the one night feeding? No one calls the cops about a single night feeding. There is an underlying issue here, probably multiple. Yes, DH was a jerk and pulled an insane move to call the cops. No doubt about that. But what has been happening in the months/years prior to this incident?

Call me whatever name you want but an unprovoked call to the cops doesn't sound like it's all one sided where DH is at fault for everything under the sun. I don't want to victim blame and I'm not doing that but I just want to know more about what the underlying relationship was all about and how it was going before this incident.

Isn't anyone else curious about the length of the relationship, how DH has treated DW before they had kids, how old both parties are, what cultures they come from, etc? How is it that DCUM automatically jumps to, this marriage can't be save, counseling doesn't work for DH, and get a divorce?

Sounds like both parties are somewhat at fault in the relationship but in this specific incident, DH went way too far in calling the cops.


Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 14:58     Subject: husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
Anonymous wrote:No counseling will fix this. Go to your parents with the kids. Get a lawyer. If you think he would physically go after you at their house or at work go to a shelter until a restraining order is in place. OMG women get murdered by this type.


Restraining orders don't work. Don't go to your parents. Don't do anything right now before you have a plan and document like PP said. You need to be completely cold in this.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 14:55     Subject: Re:husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He sounds psychotic. Leave him.


He's not psychotic. He knows what he's doing. He's a pretty classic abuser.


Exactly. Not sure why is everyone jumping to conclusion that this man is unstable. He was calm and dedicated to hurt OP and did some clean execution.
Another disturbing fact is that he's been thinking in legal terms for a while. My gut feeling is that he wants out and he knows this is the most delicate time in everyone's eyes, so it's in his best interest to present OP as unstable.
OP, is there a possibility he's cheating?


Completely agree with everything except that he wants out. He wants OP there. A man like this will purposefully drive a woman crazy with his crazy-making actions so he can claim that HE is the victim and that SHE is the problem. My gut is, in addition to the child rearing, OP is doing everything else in the house and bringing home the bacon as well (remember, she WOH). Why would he ever want this perfect situation to end?
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 14:53     Subject: Re:husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Please, any lawyer recommendations would be helpful now.

I would love for my baby to be sleeping through the night. He doesn't usually wake up so many times, but he does usually wake twice. (I'm not sure what was going on the other night.) However, he is gaining weight very slowly and the pediatrician has advised us not to night wean him yet. He is sleep trained in that he goes to sleep fine, but is still waking to eat. He gets 3+ meals of solid food a day, and gets a bottle or nurses 5-6 days during the day time.


Please, please ignore this. This falls into the line of - you've done something to provoke him. With the corollary of - if you'd just stop provoking him, things would be ok. They would not be ok. You have done nothing wrong. Husband is trying to control you. There will always be something else. Period.

The baby discussion is relevant to a discussion on babies, but it is completely irrelevant here in the context of your husband. This time, he was using the baby to control you. (There is nothing more terrifying to a mother than endangering her child.) Next time, it may be the same thing, or something else. You have done nothing wrong. The problem is with him.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 14:50     Subject: husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
Anonymous wrote:Set up a private email. Clear your phone regularly. Go see a lawyer and pay the lawyer in a way that he won't be able to see. In other words - run this operation like it's matter of life and death. Gather information - the lawyer will tell you what you need. You're going to need to photocopy (or print out) things like bank records etc if you think he will try to hide assets. Rent a place and start furnishing it and making it a home, and do all the prep work involved to leave, so when it happens you can cleanly leave and move into a safe space.

Document, document, document. Meanwhile, do not provoke. Calmly and rationally send me emails (and print them out) that state the specifics of what happened, but leave details/emotions out. Suggest in writing counseling. In other words, on paper (and in real life!) be the reasonable one.

But most importantly see a lawyer (or two) and know your rights. Take no action until you know what your plan will be.

There is a yahoo group in this area called GoMomGo - it's a support group for women in divorce. Many. have bene in domestic violence situations. Apply to join and you will learn a lot from the other members.


This. Do not bother with counseling. You are me 5 years ago and I wasted time and money with counseling. This person will not change.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 14:49     Subject: husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
Anonymous wrote:Long story short: My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive and has threatened physical violence. I've been trying to make it work because we have 2 small kids.

I've been waking up every time with our baby (now 10 months). Sunday night, i was up with him 5 times and was exhausted (I WOH). So the following morning (yesterday) I told my husband I needed help and that I expected him to feed the baby a bottle overnight. He's never fed the baby. He didn't say anything to that.

I asked him to do this once previously, about a month ago when I was very sick, and he threatened violence. I told him that was unacceptable but... he still didn't feed the baby. I was too sick to fight with him over it. I fed the baby.

Last night I left the formula and a bottle on the counter and I left the monitor on next to his bed (I sleep in a room with the baby, he sleeps downstairs so the baby doesn't bother him). I texted him that I was going to sleep and I thanked him in advance for helping me get a better night's sleep.

He turned off the monitor and went to sleep.

When the baby woke up, I brought him downstairs, woke up my husband and put the baby on the bed with him. I told him the baby needed a bottle. I went back upstairs.

He brought baby back upstairs without feeding him, put him back in his crib. I brought baby back to him, said he needed to be fed.

Husband again threatened violence, then called the cops, accused me of provoking him to violence and of trying to make him do something that would work against him in a custody battle (I wasn't - I just wanted him to feed baby so I could sleep). Cops came. It was crazy. I can't believe he would do something that would possibly get our kids taken away from us.

He has been accusing me of manipulating him into doing something that would get him in trouble. He was very clear to the cops that he was the one to contact them, as if I were the wrongdoer in the situation, and very sure that he was extremely well-behaved in front of them. I have not yet contacted a lawyer. As I said, I've been trying to make this work. I just wanted him to feed baby a bottle so I could get a couple hours of sleep. But I think I'd better contact a lawyer now.

Any lawyer recommendations?
What else should I be doing? I'm in therapy. I've got some money. I have parents who can help.


I would think, even if the cops just took statements while they were there, would do a report to CPS.

Did they ask you if you had ever been threatened? Were the cops ever told that handing him his own baby was what your husband regarded as provocation? Did they ask if you felt safe? Did he tell the cops he might end up hitting you or injuring the baby if you kept "provoking" him? Did they encourage you to stay somewhere else at least for the night?

I agree about the hot potato act with the baby--this is not a situation where you should be trying to make it work. He is actively refusing to care for his child. Thanking him in advance is not going to fix that, he does not care, he sounds pathological.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 14:44     Subject: husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
Anonymous wrote:In addition to the lawyer, you have got to get sleep or you won't be level headed enough to move forward. You need to be clear headed while going through this. Driving while this sleep deprived is another danger. Can your parents help you get a couple of nights of sleep? Could you ask your mom or dad to move in for a few nights to help with the evening bottles, and also to ensure you aren't alone in the house?


Agree, in addition can you get some help to get the baby to sleep better and night wean? Has the baby been sick - waking 5 times at 10 months is pretty rough on all of you. Sleep deprivation really messes with our heads.

https://www.nanit.com/blog/night-weaning-101/
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 14:41     Subject: husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
Anonymous wrote:I'm thinking he called the cops on you because he was afraid you were going to call the cops on him.


Agree - all these people making excuses for the husband are driving me crazy. He refuses to take care of the kid at night - AT ALL - but somehow she's at fault for pushing the issue.

He's an abusive jerk.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 14:34     Subject: husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
I'm trying to image the officers' conversation after they left: Dude, did we just respond to a call from a father because his wife asked him to give his baby a bottle?

Holy mackerel. So sorry, OP.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 14:24     Subject: husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
In addition to the lawyer, you have got to get sleep or you won't be level headed enough to move forward. You need to be clear headed while going through this. Driving while this sleep deprived is another danger. Can your parents help you get a couple of nights of sleep? Could you ask your mom or dad to move in for a few nights to help with the evening bottles, and also to ensure you aren't alone in the house?
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 14:23     Subject: husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
I'm thinking he called the cops on you because he was afraid you were going to call the cops on him.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 14:18     Subject: husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
Anonymous wrote:Might you both just be sleep deprived new parents? Sleep deprivation can make a typically sane person crazy


Seriously?

There is a pretty clear cut line between abuse and just quarreling new parents.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 13:52     Subject: husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
Op, I would recommend going to this clinic tomorrow to get some advice- it's free: https://www.dcvlp.org/dvclinic/

Also call this number for general domestic violence advice (even if it is just a threat, he is showing he can commit violence):
1-800-799-7233

Here's a list of nonprofit lawyers:
https://www.womenslaw.org/find-help/dc/finding-lawyer/legal-assistance
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 13:51     Subject: husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:May I gently ask something that people will surely jump all over me for and say it’s not relevant? Why is your 10 month old baby waking up so many times during the night? I mean yes he sounds psychotic and like a flight risk - BUT. Is it possible that he is having a hard time understanding why a 10 month old still needs to be fed during the night and is taking it out on you?


Good point. The baby should be sleeping through the night without a bottle feeding.


Honestly, I really hesitated before I wrote that because I don’t want to sound insensitive. But it jumped out at me. Maybe it’s just a lot of built up frustration all around. His behavior is not okay and he needs help, though.


Not everyone is blessed with good sleepers. And clearly there is a lot of stress in the home. I don't think this should be the primary issue the OP is concerned with. She needs to get herself and get children into a safe and stable environment. Them deal with the more mundane sleep issues.


It’s the example she gave for his erratic behavior so I thought it might be a long-standing disagreement. Clearly it is contributing to the stress in the home. I was not trying to lecture you about it, OP.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 13:49     Subject: husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:May I gently ask something that people will surely jump all over me for and say it’s not relevant? Why is your 10 month old baby waking up so many times during the night? I mean yes he sounds psychotic and like a flight risk - BUT. Is it possible that he is having a hard time understanding why a 10 month old still needs to be fed during the night and is taking it out on you?


Good point. The baby should be sleeping through the night without a bottle feeding.


Honestly, I really hesitated before I wrote that because I don’t want to sound insensitive. But it jumped out at me. Maybe it’s just a lot of built up frustration all around. His behavior is not okay and he needs help, though.


She said in the original post that her husband has never fed the baby. It was a little unclear if that was at night or ever, but he's not been stepping up.

She said he sleeps downstairs so he's not bothered by the baby.

Please stop making excuses.


I’m not making excuses. I said his behavior is not okay. I feel that was important context to know. Once again, his behavior is NOT okay, but I thought this could possibly be a case of two frustrated people who disagree on whether a 10 month old baby needs to be fed multiple times during the night. I know it’s fashionable here to see the man at fault for everything, so I just thought to ask the background.