Anonymous
Post 03/01/2019 12:02     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:When someone says they want to take us on a trip, what does that mean to you? DH and I have a preschooler, toddler and a baby and plan out our trips in detail and look forward to them. We try to do them cheaply, but everything is planned and we go great places. We can't afford more vacations right now than what we take (which is one big trip and a couple of small side trips here in the US). DH gets free plane tickets from work so most of our trips are international, but relatively inexpensive.

DH's family always want to take us on a trip. They don't want to come on our trips, however, because we've invited them. They're trips are planned horribly bad locations with no activities, the hotels are extremely expensive ($370 for a 3 star last time!) and they like bland restaurants. They constantly say they took us on such and such trip- except we paid! That $370 a night hotel trip for a week really blew our budget and resulted in credit card debt. We had thought they were paying for us and then at the end when we got the bill we were shocked at how unbelievably expensive the hotel was. We felt scammed because if they had gone online they could have paid 1/4 that. (They had checked us in, so we didn't know). This wasn't the first time that we thought they were paying and they weren't, but this was the worst we got burned.

They're begging for Disney but no way can we afford Disney right now (3 in daycare). They keep telling everyone about how they're going to take us to Disney. Thing is, if they wanted to pay, we'd go. But if we're paying, we don't want to go with them. They're not helpful with kids and everything would take forever. We'd also need a budget hotel and not the Polynesian for instance. If we're going someplace special like Disney I'd want it to be by ourselves so I could enjoy myself too versus being their babysitter while everyone else has fun. I feel like if they visited us occasionally here in DC or if they started helping more with the kids I could do more trips with them. Besides, if we're going to Disney with anyone, I feel like it should be with my parents since I grew up in Orlando and my dad worked at Disney. It's WAY more special to my parents.

DH isn't really on my side. He'd rather cut back retirement or our own vacations to appease his parents. Is there anything I can say to his parents since DH won't?


OP, what did you and your husband say to your ILs when you got the bill when the ILs had previously said they were paying?

Most people would have called them out on it and if even then they refused to pay for what they agreed to, then it would be transparent that they didn't pay for what they agreed to. It would serve as clear grounds for never traveling with them again. Instead you're helping them to cover up for their story they like to believe that they take you on trips because you let this slide and instead privately stewed. You and your DH have issues that you don't even see. Please seek counseling to get understand how you're enabling this and to get your DH's priorities straight so you're both on the same page. I mean this in a kind way because you deserve more support from your DH.

OP, what do you say to "everyone" when you hear that your ILs told them they're taking you to Disney?

Most people would be honest and say that the last time the ILs "took you on a trip" they stuck you with a huge bill at the end. Again, you're helping them cover for their story so they get the benefit of looking like the magnanimous grandparents when they're not, and instead you're getting stuck with the bill and privately stewing again. Please see that you're enabling this because right now only you and DH are paying the price and you're actually helping them to keep up this charade. Your ILs are controlling and manipulative. You're not calling them out for not really "taking you on a trip" so they're continuing with this insanity that benefits them because you and DH thus far have continued supporting this crazy game too. So they keep bragging to relatives that they're treating you.

People have been visiting their grown children and grandkids for centuries. There's nothing old school about expecting you visit them but not the other way. The issue is that they're jerks; not that they're old school.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2019 11:54     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
OMG - I can't believe they say that they "take you on trips" and expect you to pay for everything and pay for their meals. The next time they say the "took" you to Atlantic City, your DH needs to say, "No, mom, you didn't take us there. We all met there for a vacation."

Your DH needs to grow a spine and have a real grown-up conversation with his parents. "Mom, Dad, we've tried over the years to go along on your vacations but with three small kids, limited vacation time and a limited budget, that just isn't going to work for us for a while. We plan nice trips that work with our timing and our budget and we'd like you to consider joining us for one of those next year. We'd also like you to come visit us as it's too difficult for us to always come to you. We've gotten a new bed in our guest room it has it's own bathroom and it's a great opportunity to get to know your grandkids where they are comfortable in their own home."

And there is NO way you should consider a Disney trip in the next few years with your ILs and your DH should shut that down so their incessant talk about it doesn't continue to stress you out, "Mom, Dad, we know you want to go to Disney with us, but that's just not going to work for us right now. You know that Larla's dad worked there and it's a very special place for their family. Our first Disney trip will be with them when the kids are a little older. We can revisit the idea of another trip with you guys in a few years when the kids are older. But we've got a great trip to the beach in the summer and we'd love for you to come and spend time with the kids then."

If your Dh can't have these very basic conversations, then you have to get into counseling as this issue will NEVER be solved unless he is willing to stand up for your nuclear family.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 20:25     Subject: Re:"Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:
Just offering some solidarity since you have some great advice here. My mom “buys us presents”, which actually means that she raises a huge fuss about online shopping being hard and sends me links and asks me to buy things for my daughter for her. And wrap them. And send thank you notes for them. She purchases tons of stuff online for herself, so this isn’t a capability issue. It’s very strange but the cost is so low I just let it go because it’s been going on for years. She still tells me that she’s going to give me something special for my 16th birthday. I’m 42 and she’s been promising since I was 14.

I’m sure there’s a long German word for people who imagine themselves to be giving gifts but make others pay for them.


OMG my MIL does the exact same thing! It drives me nuts. I have let her know that the kids don't expect gifts from anyone but DH, myself and Santa so not to worry. I have let her know that neither DH or I need a gift. We really do not mind at all. She insists on and on about putting her name on one of the presents that I have gotten for DH and the kids and she'll pay me back -which in 16 years she has never once done. She makes a big that wrap it. very nicely and expects a TY card from the kids. When she calls she makes a big deal about the present she got them and did they like it. Its a ridiculous charade.


You should stick the receipt in the mailand withhold the TY catd until you get a check. Just for fun.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 20:00     Subject: Re:"Take us on a trip"
Just offering some solidarity since you have some great advice here. My mom “buys us presents”, which actually means that she raises a huge fuss about online shopping being hard and sends me links and asks me to buy things for my daughter for her. And wrap them. And send thank you notes for them. She purchases tons of stuff online for herself, so this isn’t a capability issue. It’s very strange but the cost is so low I just let it go because it’s been going on for years. She still tells me that she’s going to give me something special for my 16th birthday. I’m 42 and she’s been promising since I was 14.

I’m sure there’s a long German word for people who imagine themselves to be giving gifts but make others pay for them.


OMG my MIL does the exact same thing! It drives me nuts. I have let her know that the kids don't expect gifts from anyone but DH, myself and Santa so not to worry. I have let her know that neither DH or I need a gift. We really do not mind at all. She insists on and on about putting her name on one of the presents that I have gotten for DH and the kids and she'll pay me back -which in 16 years she has never once done. She makes a big that wrap it. very nicely and expects a TY card from the kids. When she calls she makes a big deal about the present she got them and did they like it. Its a ridiculous charade.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 14:53     Subject: Re:"Take us on a trip"
OP here. Any solutions for family going with us to Disney world? DH's family is very, very vocal about wanting to take us to Disney (say it monthly at least). Except I really want to go with my parents since my dad worked there and we went constantly as a kid. My parents are so helpful with the kids too. Right now I just feel like we can't go to Disney because everyone wants to go and we'd be disappointing someone. My older DD would LOVE to go. It's extremely stressful to travel with my ILs and I think it's rude of them to keep demanding Disney when it's obviously something my parents are obsessed with.


OP - your in laws are rude, over bearing and opportunists. They want to brag to their friends that they took you on whatever vacation. They want to travel in a particular way and are not very adept about planning things. This is fine for their own vacations but there is no reason for you to be held hostage by this. It may even be fueled by talking with their friends who brag about taking their kids places. Its crazy that you would let them make arrangements and just pick up the bill.

On Disney -just say no. Its more important to your parents and sounds like it would be far more doable and enjoyable for all. It sounds like your in laws just want bragging rights and to win the competition in their minds with your parents. One thing about Disney is that if you really like it they start sending you promotions and discounts to get you back. Do the first trip with your parents and then if your in laws start behaving more rationally about vacations you can always go again when the younger kids are older. If they care about actually having a nice vacation with your family they'll be fine with this. If they insist on being first -well just more proof that they are in it for themselves only.

You also need to stop worry about whether you are disappointing someone who is already being rude and taking advantage of your family. People like this are enabled by others who feel bad if someone else is not happy. They will sense this and milk it for everything they can get.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 08:52     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any solutions for family going with us to Disney world? DH's family is very, very vocal about wanting to take us to Disney (say it monthly at least). Except I really want to go with my parents since my dad worked there and we went constantly as a kid. My parents are so helpful with the kids too. Right now I just feel like we can't go to Disney because everyone wants to go and we'd be disappointing someone. My older DD would LOVE to go. It's extremely stressful to travel with my ILs and I think it's rude of them to keep demanding Disney when it's obviously something my parents are obsessed with.


It is rude. If you are willing to go, can you plan the trip to go with your parents and then, when the kids are older and more independent, go with ILs but only have them there for part of it? Like, if you went for a week they would only be there 2-3 days? If they want to "take" you, perhaps you can pre-arrange who covers what-like they cover special event tickets for the kids.


I'd say plan the trip with your parents. Invite your in-laws to join you. Either they accept, or they decline the way they always do. Either way, you decide on the dates, the hotel, etc.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 05:56     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:When someone says they want to take us on a trip, what does that mean to you? DH and I have a preschooler, toddler and a baby and plan out our trips in detail and look forward to them. We try to do them cheaply, but everything is planned and we go great places. We can't afford more vacations right now than what we take (which is one big trip and a couple of small side trips here in the US). DH gets free plane tickets from work so most of our trips are international, but relatively inexpensive.

DH's family always want to take us on a trip. They don't want to come on our trips, however, because we've invited them. They're trips are planned horribly bad locations with no activities, the hotels are extremely expensive ($370 for a 3 star last time!) and they like bland restaurants. They constantly say they took us on such and such trip- except we paid! That $370 a night hotel trip for a week really blew our budget and resulted in credit card debt. We had thought they were paying for us and then at the end when we got the bill we were shocked at how unbelievably expensive the hotel was. We felt scammed because if they had gone online they could have paid 1/4 that. (They had checked us in, so we didn't know). This wasn't the first time that we thought they were paying and they weren't, but this was the worst we got burned.

They're begging for Disney but no way can we afford Disney right now (3 in daycare). They keep telling everyone about how they're going to take us to Disney. Thing is, if they wanted to pay, we'd go. But if we're paying, we don't want to go with them. They're not helpful with kids and everything would take forever. We'd also need a budget hotel and not the Polynesian for instance. If we're going someplace special like Disney I'd want it to be by ourselves so I could enjoy myself too versus being their babysitter while everyone else has fun. I feel like if they visited us occasionally here in DC or if they started helping more with the kids I could do more trips with them. Besides, if we're going to Disney with anyone, I feel like it should be with my parents since I grew up in Orlando and my dad worked at Disney. It's WAY more special to my parents.

DH isn't really on my side. He'd rather cut back retirement or our own vacations to appease his parents. Is there anything I can say to his parents since DH won't?


Wow...that's quite the rant. You clearly hate your inlaws. Put your foot down and say no.

Simple.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 22:48     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:OP here. So far our compromise is that we invite inlaws on all of our trips, but they decline every single time. I just can't spend 2k to go to Atlantic City again to eat at Olive Gardens. My time and money are so limited right now.


There's your answer! Take a page out of the ILs book and start declining when they invite you.

Bonus points if you can use their same excuses and justifications.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 22:42     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Ok, sounds like they are not taking you in a trip it will be Pay Your Own Way.
Therefore if it is unaffordable or you can’t control your hotel or meal expenses or activities you need to say No Thanks, Can’t Do It.

Your DH needs to grow up and get his priorities straight. People pleasers are the worst.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 12:12     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any solutions for family going with us to Disney world? DH's family is very, very vocal about wanting to take us to Disney (say it monthly at least). Except I really want to go with my parents since my dad worked there and we went constantly as a kid. My parents are so helpful with the kids too. Right now I just feel like we can't go to Disney because everyone wants to go and we'd be disappointing someone. My older DD would LOVE to go. It's extremely stressful to travel with my ILs and I think it's rude of them to keep demanding Disney when it's obviously something my parents are obsessed with.


It is rude. If you are willing to go, can you plan the trip to go with your parents and then, when the kids are older and more independent, go with ILs but only have them there for part of it? Like, if you went for a week they would only be there 2-3 days? If they want to "take" you, perhaps you can pre-arrange who covers what-like they cover special event tickets for the kids.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 12:05     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:I don’t deal with my ILs directly. I just tell DH “no, I’m not going, you can if you want”. He won’t, because he doesn’t want to deal with kids and parents alone, but if he did I’d take my own vacation during that time.

For Disney, can both sets of parents go?


No. OP's IL's want to plan the trips themselves. They don't want to join on to OP's trips. Their taking a back seat to OP's parents sounds extremely unlikely.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2019 11:56     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
To me it’s simple, if I’m paying, I’m choosing the destination, the dates and just about everything else. If someone else is paying, I’m willing to be somewhat flexible.

My inlaws want to go Dutch. No thanks.