Thanks all.

I do not want to think the worst, but I will take measures (I want to do a postnup, freeze kids' credit and get him to attend therapy or support group).

He is not evil or has intent to jeopardize our future, but he has a weakness that may make him act reckless and that needs to be managed better!

I sincerely appreciate the advice and the support I got here today.

-OP

I also agree he is not a good dad. What is he teaching them about how to be a man?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Yes I will discuss postnup with him tonight and will try to see a lawyer tomorrow.

Divorce... yes I am so hurt AND need to protect myself and the kids, but that decision has to be made with a cool head... esp. when kids are involved. He is a good dad.

To questions on how could I not see red flags, I relied on our regular meetings where we discussed spendings and balances. Because I thought I knew his credit I did not question if he said he bought a guitar at a liquidation sale or got a deal on ebay for a sound amplifier or withdrew cash so he does not use debit card on a trip abroad... I have two young kids and a full time job an thought I have a understanding of our finances...

-OP

He may love his kids and help with getting them dressed and playing with them and reading stories at bedtime. But he's putting their well-being in jeopardy with his reckless spending. He has been putting his needs way ahead of his family's needs. That's not being a good dad. You cannot compartmentalize these things.

Yeah... I have to agreed with PP... You need an iron-clad postnuptial or you need to walk.

And freeze your kids credit - like yesterday!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry this is happening OP. I just wanted to add, if you think this couldn't impact your children, you could be mistaken.

My dad was a compulsive spender - mostly on junk like Time Life Series books and cheapo gadgets from catalogs. When I was in college, he opened a credit card in my name. I caught wind of it quickly and cancelled it before he could charge much - his excuse was that he was trying to establish a credit history for me. Bull. Found out later that during this same period, he was charging stuff like crazy on the cards my mom had in her own name, by forging her name on those checks that used to come in the mail with the credit card statements. He handled the finances so she didn't know for years, and then buried her head in the sand when she discovered it. The only thing that saved her from complete ruin when he passed away was that the state they lived in didn't consider his debt hers. His creditors called and harassed me before he died and well after, even though I wasn't responsible for the debt.

The other thing he did was borrow money from his extended family, with the line that putting me through college was bankrupting him . Again, a total lie. I got a scholarship to a public university which paid my tuition; through work study and other jobs, I was able to pay my own expenses, barely scraping by (ah, the days of four cans of tuna for $1). The only money he sent me was $10 or so in a birthday card every year, when he would lament that it was "all that he could spare", which made me feel worse than if he just sent a card alone. I only found out about his borrowing habits after he died, when a few relatives made comments about how much he sacrificed to put me through school. I did say that wasn't true, but, no, I didn't pay them back (I had no spare money starting out of college), but always wondered if I should have, although I have no idea how many people he borrowed from and in what amounts.

Sorry, that was long, but the part that OP wrote about her DH altering his credit reports sounded exactly like my dad's MO. I loved my dad and have many fond memories, but his dishonesty and poor financial decisions really impacted me through early adulthood and temper the way I feel about him. And P.S. OP, check that he hasn't opened up anything under Larlo/Larla's names!

Thank you for posting.

I actually am afraid my husband may have such tendencies...

-OP

You think he may commit crimes to cover up his spending? Those aren’t “tendencies.” He could go to jail for that. Freeze your kids’ credit

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Yes I will discuss postnup with him tonight and will try to see a lawyer tomorrow.

Divorce... yes I am so hurt AND need to protect myself and the kids, but that decision has to be made with a cool head... esp. when kids are involved. He is a good dad.

To questions on how could I not see red flags, I relied on our regular meetings where we discussed spendings and balances. Because I thought I knew his credit I did not question if he said he bought a guitar at a liquidation sale or got a deal on ebay for a sound amplifier or withdrew cash so he does not use debit card on a trip abroad... I have two young kids and a full time job an thought I have a understanding of our finances...

-OP

He may love his kids and help with getting them dressed and playing with them and reading stories at bedtime. But he's putting their well-being in jeopardy with his reckless spending. He has been putting his needs way ahead of his family's needs. That's not being a good dad. You cannot compartmentalize these things.

Thank you. Yes I will discuss postnup with him tonight and will try to see a lawyer tomorrow.

Divorce... yes I am so hurt AND need to protect myself and the kids, but that decision has to be made with a cool head... esp. when kids are involved. He is a good dad.

To questions on how could I not see red flags, I relied on our regular meetings where we discussed spendings and balances. Because I thought I knew his credit I did not question if he said he bought a guitar at a liquidation sale or got a deal on ebay for a sound amplifier or withdrew cash so he does not use debit card on a trip abroad... I have two young kids and a full time job an thought I have a understanding of our finances...

-OP

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. We are a dual income family and have a joint checking and savings accounts and pay for family expenses from our joint checking.

I can't diagnose my husband's issue, but in a nutshell he can't resist buying something "cool" even if he ends up never using it/ using it once.

How did you think he was paying for this stuff? Isn’t this a massive red flag along the way?

Truthfully I would divorce over this. Having to worry about a spouse ruining me from retiring is not worth it.

Check this out OP:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/camilomaldonado/2018/09/26/3-reasons-to-freeze-your-childs-credit/#25183d4d36a5

At a minimum you can freeze your children’s credit until they are 18. (This is good advice for anyone)

However, it could be worthwhile to talk to your husband about freezing his credit as well - you would have the password and you would be the one notified if anyone applied for credit in his name.

One more thing OP. You need to act on the postnuptial NOW.

This is similar to cheating in that he will be most remorseful after the first time he’s caught. Think about what you need to protect your children, and put it into a legally binding contract NOW.

Also, definitely contact the credit score companies about your children. Your DH has their Social security numbers. He could seriously mess up their lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry this is happening OP. I just wanted to add, if you think this couldn't impact your children, you could be mistaken.

My dad was a compulsive spender - mostly on junk like Time Life Series books and cheapo gadgets from catalogs. When I was in college, he opened a credit card in my name. I caught wind of it quickly and cancelled it before he could charge much - his excuse was that he was trying to establish a credit history for me. Bull. Found out later that during this same period, he was charging stuff like crazy on the cards my mom had in her own name, by forging her name on those checks that used to come in the mail with the credit card statements. He handled the finances so she didn't know for years, and then buried her head in the sand when she discovered it. The only thing that saved her from complete ruin when he passed away was that the state they lived in didn't consider his debt hers. His creditors called and harassed me before he died and well after, even though I wasn't responsible for the debt.

The other thing he did was borrow money from his extended family, with the line that putting me through college was bankrupting him . Again, a total lie. I got a scholarship to a public university which paid my tuition; through work study and other jobs, I was able to pay my own expenses, barely scraping by (ah, the days of four cans of tuna for $1). The only money he sent me was $10 or so in a birthday card every year, when he would lament that it was "all that he could spare", which made me feel worse than if he just sent a card alone. I only found out about his borrowing habits after he died, when a few relatives made comments about how much he sacrificed to put me through school. I did say that wasn't true, but, no, I didn't pay them back (I had no spare money starting out of college), but always wondered if I should have, although I have no idea how many people he borrowed from and in what amounts.

Sorry, that was long, but the part that OP wrote about her DH altering his credit reports sounded exactly like my dad's MO. I loved my dad and have many fond memories, but his dishonesty and poor financial decisions really impacted me through early adulthood and temper the way I feel about him. And P.S. OP, check that he hasn't opened up anything under Larlo/Larla's names!

Thank you for posting.

I actually am afraid my husband may have such tendencies...

-OP

You can block any credit cards being issued to your minor children with all the major credit score companies. We did this for our kids just a precaution for identity theft. I first learned about this when we had to do it for an elderly grandmother with dementia. Any credit application is immediately flagged as fraud. The block for your children ends when they turn 18.

Maybe I’m cynical, but I would do this without involving your DH. I would want to know if that’s a line he would cross...

Messing with my kids would be a dealbreaker for me. Trash my finances, I might forgive, but if you go after my kids, I will go nuclear!

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry this is happening OP. I just wanted to add, if you think this couldn't impact your children, you could be mistaken.

My dad was a compulsive spender - mostly on junk like Time Life Series books and cheapo gadgets from catalogs. When I was in college, he opened a credit card in my name. I caught wind of it quickly and cancelled it before he could charge much - his excuse was that he was trying to establish a credit history for me. Bull. Found out later that during this same period, he was charging stuff like crazy on the cards my mom had in her own name, by forging her name on those checks that used to come in the mail with the credit card statements. He handled the finances so she didn't know for years, and then buried her head in the sand when she discovered it. The only thing that saved her from complete ruin when he passed away was that the state they lived in didn't consider his debt hers. His creditors called and harassed me before he died and well after, even though I wasn't responsible for the debt.

The other thing he did was borrow money from his extended family, with the line that putting me through college was bankrupting him . Again, a total lie. I got a scholarship to a public university which paid my tuition; through work study and other jobs, I was able to pay my own expenses, barely scraping by (ah, the days of four cans of tuna for $1). The only money he sent me was $10 or so in a birthday card every year, when he would lament that it was "all that he could spare", which made me feel worse than if he just sent a card alone. I only found out about his borrowing habits after he died, when a few relatives made comments about how much he sacrificed to put me through school. I did say that wasn't true, but, no, I didn't pay them back (I had no spare money starting out of college), but always wondered if I should have, although I have no idea how many people he borrowed from and in what amounts.

Sorry, that was long, but the part that OP wrote about her DH altering his credit reports sounded exactly like my dad's MO. I loved my dad and have many fond memories, but his dishonesty and poor financial decisions really impacted me through early adulthood and temper the way I feel about him. And P.S. OP, check that he hasn't opened up anything under Larlo/Larla's names!

Thank you for posting.

I actually am afraid my husband may have such tendencies...

-OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the responses. I am keeping my emotions out of this thread.

I think he does have a problem. He is stressed at work, so he buys things. He wants everything to be the best quality, but really he cannot afford it as all his money should be going to min. family expenses and to service his debt.

[…]

What else? Certainly, the above requires his cooperation. If he is not willing to do that, I see no way forward. M

None of the above.

First you see an attorney to draft a postnuptial agreement that his debts will not be your responsibility in case of divorce. Your full retirement account will not be shared, and the house remains in your name only. Savings accounts in your name are not marital property, etc. Agree on an amount that he will contribute to kids college funds, etc. Ask specifically how to protect yourself if he goes bankrupt.

Then you completely separate finances while married. YOU pay all the family bills from your checking account. He direct deposits whatever portion of his income is needed for family expenses - and I mean everything including vacation, birthday parties, eating out, etc. He only keeps control of the discretionary income that you both budget for yourselves - this should be a similar amount for both you btw. While this checking account is in your name only, you show him the statements any time he asks.

Your ideas of monitoring him will both drive you insane and will not work. Stay with him with the expectation that he will figure out some way to get into more debt and ruin his credit, because he will.

Thank you! That is the kind of practical advice I need.

-OP

I'm sorry this is happening OP. I just wanted to add, if you think this couldn't impact your children, you could be mistaken.

My dad was a compulsive spender - mostly on junk like Time Life Series books and cheapo gadgets from catalogs. When I was in college, he opened a credit card in my name. I caught wind of it quickly and cancelled it before he could charge much - his excuse was that he was trying to establish a credit history for me. Bull. Found out later that during this same period, he was charging stuff like crazy on the cards my mom had in her own name, by forging her name on those checks that used to come in the mail with the credit card statements. He handled the finances so she didn't know for years, and then buried her head in the sand when she discovered it. The only thing that saved her from complete ruin when he passed away was that the state they lived in didn't consider his debt hers. His creditors called and harassed me before he died and well after, even though I wasn't responsible for the debt.

The other thing he did was borrow money from his extended family, with the line that putting me through college was bankrupting him . Again, a total lie. I got a scholarship to a public university which paid my tuition; through work study and other jobs, I was able to pay my own expenses, barely scraping by (ah, the days of four cans of tuna for $1). The only money he sent me was $10 or so in a birthday card every year, when he would lament that it was "all that he could spare", which made me feel worse than if he just sent a card alone. I only found out about his borrowing habits after he died, when a few relatives made comments about how much he sacrificed to put me through school. I did say that wasn't true, but, no, I didn't pay them back (I had no spare money starting out of college), but always wondered if I should have, although I have no idea how many people he borrowed from and in what amounts.

Sorry, that was long, but the part that OP wrote about her DH altering his credit reports sounded exactly like my dad's MO. I loved my dad and have many fond memories, but his dishonesty and poor financial decisions really impacted me through early adulthood and temper the way I feel about him. And P.S. OP, check that he hasn't opened up anything under Larlo/Larla's names!

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the responses. I am keeping my emotions out of this thread.

I think he does have a problem. He is stressed at work, so he buys things. He wants everything to be the best quality, but really he cannot afford it as all his money should be going to min. family expenses and to service his debt.

No matter what happens (I will consult a divorce atty), I want complete transparency going forward:

ability to monitor his debts with agencies directly
in addition to cutting up his credit cards, what is the best way to ensure they cannot be reissued - have access to all of his accounts, have him call and "cancel" them, so he can only pay them down?
no cash withdrawals - is there a way to ensure that?
talk to his friends and relatives to ensure they cannot help him get a card by adding him as an authorized user to their cards, so that he cannot borrow cash?
support group for him - is there something like "recovering credit card debtors anon" (and a group for me?)

What else? Certainly, the above requires his cooperation. If he is not willing to do that, I see no way forward. M

None of the above.

First you see an attorney to draft a postnuptial agreement that his debts will not be your responsibility in case of divorce. Your full retirement account will not be shared, and the house remains in your name only. Savings accounts in your name are not marital property, etc. Agree on an amount that he will contribute to kids college funds, etc. Ask specifically how to protect yourself if he goes bankrupt.

Then you completely separate finances while married. YOU pay all the family bills from your checking account. He direct deposits whatever portion of his income is needed for family expenses - and I mean everything including vacation, birthday parties, eating out, etc. He only keeps control of the discretionary income that you both budget for yourselves - this should be a similar amount for both you btw. While this checking account is in your name only, you show him the statements any time he asks.

Your ideas of monitoring him will both drive you insane and will not work. Stay with him with the expectation that he will figure out some way to get into more debt and ruin his credit, because he will.