Anonymous
Post 02/20/2019 19:29     Subject: Re:If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
The bullies in my middle school were outcasts from rough backgrounds, not the popular kids. They hated anyone who was “preppy” by any stretch of the definition. The two popular kids I can think of who were mean only targeted other high-status kids who were their “friends”.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 21:55     Subject: Re:If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was also a nice kid and, thankfully, didn't experience bullying myself, but I believe bullying is a power trip of sorts; you want to show that other person that you're higher on the food chain than they are and thus establish your domination. And I don't think it is directly correlated to a kid's situation at home, it is more correlated to the kid's personality. The more competitive ones (also known as 'natural leaders') will strive to be the king of the hill, the less competitive ones will just find their niche/tribe and be satisfied with that.
Just my 2 cents.

I disagree with this. Kids in a peaceful, supportive home generally don't bully unless they have mental health issues that are unrelated to home stress. I am competitive and a leader but I would never pick on someone.


I disagree as well. The top jocks and academic stars and natural leaders (e.g. class president types) we know are usually respectful kids (mostly, not all). The ones who have bullied at least the ones I have known are usually not that successful- OK athlete who will never be a star or the kid who struggles academically or feels insecure socially. They don't stand out for their achievements and they seem to need to feel better than someone.



The class president kid in my son's grade is a sneaky, underhanded bully.

Teachers and adults think he is great, especially his own mom.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 21:50     Subject: If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
Foreign students who've recently immigrated, mostly due to foreign service or graduate school parents, are appalled at the way U.S. students act towards each other. It's apparently not not normal in other countries.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 20:32     Subject: Re:If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
I went to a mean middle school - it was the culture. "Nice Hair", "Nice Outfit", "Nice Boyfriend" were daily quips that were exchanged by friends as well as enemies. Maybe it was a Jersey thing, but the thick skinned could manage and those that couldn't felt like targets, or excluded. Even thought I did not think of myself as mean, in college a very nice girl I hardly knew came up to me and a friend at a bar and went off about our treatment to her and others in HS. I didn't even remember her, and I knew I never teased her. But I can see how she thought my group was mean. It had a huge impact on me as an adult and how I have raised my kids. Live and learn - your actions cast a wide net. Be kind!
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 20:13     Subject: Re:If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
Anonymous wrote:I was horrible. I don’t know why, but I got almost a high out of excluding and making certain kids feel bad. My friends were the same, and we were specially vicious if we felt “wronged” in some way, even if it wasn’t the other person’s fault. If a boy my friend liked happened to like another girl, that other girl would become the victim of our torment. We were so subtle about it so we wouldn’t get caught. Since I was an excelling student plus played two sports I was popular and most people thought I was nice and teachers really liked me. Once a girl told on us (we had been harassing her for a while) and we all banded together and said it was the other way, that the girl was obsessed with us. I think the principal believed me, she really liked me. A million years later I still feel horrible about how I was. I really changed in college because I befriended some seriously great girls with good hearts. I am a super friendly adult and always inclusive, and I teach my kids kindness. It is hard to know why I was the way I was. I was smart, pretty, very popular, athletic and had supporting parents. I should have been a great teen, but I just had a mean streak.


My group was like this and my BFF was like you. I was stressed every single day because she was merciless with those she didn't like. It made me sick to my stomach, but I was too chicken to say anything. She grew up toward the end of HS. We are still very close and she is an amazing mom and person. I think she goes the extra mile to make up for her behavior in MS and HS.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 20:05     Subject: Re:If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
Anonymous wrote:My sister was sooooo mean ??. She was outgoing and popular and would say the nastiest things to girls she disliked. I was quiet and wouldn’t even think the things she said. We had tons of friends in common, but her core group was loud, mean and obnoxious. We have wonderful parents and are close to them. I love my sister but she is still cut throat. I think her personality has helped make her very successful in her field, but I wouldn’t want to work under her.


I think this is the answer for middle school and beyond: People act that way because they can and it often gets them ahead in life. Unfortunately, it's rewarded.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 20:02     Subject: If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
From my experience, people bully because they can and for them it is fun.
I was the new kid in school and didn't really fit in. That was enough for them.
I have stayed far away from that town and leaving it was the best thing I ever did.
I also had a horrible home life, so maybe they picked up on that too
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 19:51     Subject: Re:If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
My sister was sooooo mean ??. She was outgoing and popular and would say the nastiest things to girls she disliked. I was quiet and wouldn’t even think the things she said. We had tons of friends in common, but her core group was loud, mean and obnoxious. We have wonderful parents and are close to them. I love my sister but she is still cut throat. I think her personality has helped make her very successful in her field, but I wouldn’t want to work under her.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 19:34     Subject: Re:If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
I was horrible. I don’t know why, but I got almost a high out of excluding and making certain kids feel bad. My friends were the same, and we were specially vicious if we felt “wronged” in some way, even if it wasn’t the other person’s fault. If a boy my friend liked happened to like another girl, that other girl would become the victim of our torment. We were so subtle about it so we wouldn’t get caught. Since I was an excelling student plus played two sports I was popular and most people thought I was nice and teachers really liked me. Once a girl told on us (we had been harassing her for a while) and we all banded together and said it was the other way, that the girl was obsessed with us. I think the principal believed me, she really liked me. A million years later I still feel horrible about how I was. I really changed in college because I befriended some seriously great girls with good hearts. I am a super friendly adult and always inclusive, and I teach my kids kindness. It is hard to know why I was the way I was. I was smart, pretty, very popular, athletic and had supporting parents. I should have been a great teen, but I just had a mean streak.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 16:46     Subject: Re:If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was also a nice kid and, thankfully, didn't experience bullying myself, but I believe bullying is a power trip of sorts; you want to show that other person that you're higher on the food chain than they are and thus establish your domination. And I don't think it is directly correlated to a kid's situation at home, it is more correlated to the kid's personality. The more competitive ones (also known as 'natural leaders') will strive to be the king of the hill, the less competitive ones will just find their niche/tribe and be satisfied with that.
Just my 2 cents.

I disagree with this. Kids in a peaceful, supportive home generally don't bully unless they have mental health issues that are unrelated to home stress. I am competitive and a leader but I would never pick on someone.


I disagree as well. The top jocks and academic stars and natural leaders (e.g. class president types) we know are usually respectful kids (mostly, not all). The ones who have bullied at least the ones I have known are usually not that successful- OK athlete who will never be a star or the kid who struggles academically or feels insecure socially. They don't stand out for their achievements and they seem to need to feel better than someone.



No, sorry. All kinds of kids bully for all kinds of reasons. The ones I am most familiar with at the moment - who are bullying my child - are from “good homes” and are generally popular. One had the lead in the school play. The other is a good enough athlete to be on a competitive school team. I am not saying they don’t have their own issues but so do a lot of kids who are not bullies. Currently, it’s the geeks who are kindest IME.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2019 11:58     Subject: If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
I was a polite, studious girl who was always being paired with sower or badly behaved students for the teachers' convenience. I would like to think I wasn't mean, but my annoyance and boredom probably showed through a lot of the time. I didn't have the courage to speak up about it or to actually be mean enough to get them to leave me alone.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2019 09:40     Subject: Re:If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was also a nice kid and, thankfully, didn't experience bullying myself, but I believe bullying is a power trip of sorts; you want to show that other person that you're higher on the food chain than they are and thus establish your domination. And I don't think it is directly correlated to a kid's situation at home, it is more correlated to the kid's personality. The more competitive ones (also known as 'natural leaders') will strive to be the king of the hill, the less competitive ones will just find their niche/tribe and be satisfied with that.
Just my 2 cents.

I disagree with this. Kids in a peaceful, supportive home generally don't bully unless they have mental health issues that are unrelated to home stress. I am competitive and a leader but I would never pick on someone.



You can keep saying this, but it doesn't make you correct.

Again, how old are your kids? Certainly not middle school aged.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2019 09:39     Subject: Re:If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's a quite normal developmental phase. Read untangled.


It's not normal. It may be common, but there it is always a signal something is wrong whether it is an empathy deficit, a problem at home, depression, narcissism or just experimenting with cruelty it is not normal. Normal implies healthy and it is not healthy for anyone involved. Check out the research as opposed to a clinician/author's views based on her or his opinion.


No. Normal implies “typical.” It’s a developmental phase in a typical kid. I see lots of good kids who occasionally do mean things. It happens to the best of them. Maybe even your kid.



Bullying behavior is not a typical developmental phase. Being mean now and then sure OK kids experiment a bit. It is not normal to bully. The majority of kids have developed enough empathy or morality not to be a downright bully and those who haven't' need help.


You are talking in theories, not from real life.

Wait until your little ones hit middle school.


Sorry, but if your snowflake is bullying right now you can tell yourself this is normal all you want, but it is not. It means the young person is at risk just as much as kids are "at risk" when they have other issues. It doesn't mean your child is destined to struggle with mental illness such as personality disorders, depression, etc or your child is destined to have interpersonal problems and job issues, but it does mean your child is more at risk than those kids able to navigate middle school, have friends, show empathy and get along. I strongly urge you to get your child help now if your child is bullying and don't rationalize it as normal. See is as a signal that your child needs help and can help your child develop into a well-functioning teen and adult and if you get the right mental health help.


How old are your kids? Early elementary?

Middle schoolers (in general) often bully each other, even formerly nice kids from nice families.

Just wait and see what happens when your kids get older.



My kids didn't. If they had there would have been serious consequences. I do think we were fortunate, but I would not have just written it off.

My niece was a pretty nasty bully in middle school and part of highschool. She has been in dialectical behavior therapy since sophomore year of highschool for borderline personality disorder and is doing much better. It is really beautiful to see her develope empathy and turn into a kind young woman.


Maybe your kids did.

Maybe your kids didn't.

You weren't at middle school with them so you don't know if they were mean to other kids or a minion of the queen bee.

A lot of parents say "never my kid" but they are incorrect.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2019 09:32     Subject: Re:If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was also a nice kid and, thankfully, didn't experience bullying myself, but I believe bullying is a power trip of sorts; you want to show that other person that you're higher on the food chain than they are and thus establish your domination. And I don't think it is directly correlated to a kid's situation at home, it is more correlated to the kid's personality. The more competitive ones (also known as 'natural leaders') will strive to be the king of the hill, the less competitive ones will just find their niche/tribe and be satisfied with that.
Just my 2 cents.

I disagree with this. Kids in a peaceful, supportive home generally don't bully unless they have mental health issues that are unrelated to home stress. I am competitive and a leader but I would never pick on someone.


I disagree as well. The top jocks and academic stars and natural leaders (e.g. class president types) we know are usually respectful kids (mostly, not all). The ones who have bullied at least the ones I have known are usually not that successful- OK athlete who will never be a star or the kid who struggles academically or feels insecure socially. They don't stand out for their achievements and they seem to need to feel better than someone.

Anonymous
Post 02/17/2019 20:45     Subject: Re:If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?
Anonymous wrote:I was also a nice kid and, thankfully, didn't experience bullying myself, but I believe bullying is a power trip of sorts; you want to show that other person that you're higher on the food chain than they are and thus establish your domination. And I don't think it is directly correlated to a kid's situation at home, it is more correlated to the kid's personality. The more competitive ones (also known as 'natural leaders') will strive to be the king of the hill, the less competitive ones will just find their niche/tribe and be satisfied with that.
Just my 2 cents.

I disagree with this. Kids in a peaceful, supportive home generally don't bully unless they have mental health issues that are unrelated to home stress. I am competitive and a leader but I would never pick on someone.