Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 09:04     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I see why it’s annoying.

But if this is a garden-variety practice, eh, he can miss. If he’s Michael Phelps on the rise, fine. If not, it’s one practice for a family event.

Does she play second fiddle to sports schedules a lot?


This. Put it into perspective. She is his grandma, this team will be over in a few months. At the very least, inform the coach that your son has an important family event so he will be leaving 30 minutes early.


But can’t Grandma put it perspective and have dinner the night before or on the weekend?


NP here who has been a direct witness to the decline of several elderly relatives, and who has studied and written about matters related to gerentology.

To answer your question: Maybe she can, but maybe she can't.

Perhaps OP can share more about her age and overall state, but honestly, elderly people face isolation and feelings of being unimportant and invisible--even when they are otherwise healthy. And health issues like dementia might well also be in play.

The point is, when dealing with the elderly, you can't just assume that they are an adult the way we think of a healthy 45-year-old with a full life. There can be a lot of factors here. If something seems "off" about Grandma's response, don't jump to the conclusion that she's choosing to be selfish or dramatic. Really think about what could be going on.

As for sports, yes, it's important to honor that commitment to your team. But isn't your family, first and foremost, your team? If 30 Tuesday evenings out of the school year are dedicated to soccer, can't one of those Tuesday evenings be wholly or partially dedicated to family?


Ok I’ll play. I guess I am an expert too having seen elderly relatives in decline. Also RN for 25 years. Maybe grandma is being an entitled control freak because she always was. Spare me the drama.

OP here. I’ll bite. MIL is married to an enabling husband. She’s 66 and of sound mind. I don’t want to sound lime *that* DIL, but yes, she has always been a control freak.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 08:29     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I see why it’s annoying.

But if this is a garden-variety practice, eh, he can miss. If he’s Michael Phelps on the rise, fine. If not, it’s one practice for a family event.

Does she play second fiddle to sports schedules a lot?


This. Put it into perspective. She is his grandma, this team will be over in a few months. At the very least, inform the coach that your son has an important family event so he will be leaving 30 minutes early.


But can’t Grandma put it perspective and have dinner the night before or on the weekend?


NP here who has been a direct witness to the decline of several elderly relatives, and who has studied and written about matters related to gerentology.

To answer your question: Maybe she can, but maybe she can't.

Perhaps OP can share more about her age and overall state, but honestly, elderly people face isolation and feelings of being unimportant and invisible--even when they are otherwise healthy. And health issues like dementia might well also be in play.

The point is, when dealing with the elderly, you can't just assume that they are an adult the way we think of a healthy 45-year-old with a full life. There can be a lot of factors here. If something seems "off" about Grandma's response, don't jump to the conclusion that she's choosing to be selfish or dramatic. Really think about what could be going on.

As for sports, yes, it's important to honor that commitment to your team. But isn't your family, first and foremost, your team? If 30 Tuesday evenings out of the school year are dedicated to soccer, can't one of those Tuesday evenings be wholly or partially dedicated to family?


Ok I’ll play. I guess I am an expert too having seen elderly relatives in decline. Also RN for 25 years. Maybe grandma is being an entitled control freak because she always was. Spare me the drama.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 08:22     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:It's so annoying when adults make a fuss about their own birthdays. You have presented perfectly good options. MIL needs to grow up.


This. He made a commitment to the team to show up. He needs to honor that as much as possible.

MIL's birthday celebration does not NEED to start at 6pm. If she really wants DS there, she'll help plan around his previous commitment. If she doesn't care about having him there, she can proceed with her 6pm dinner by her house. UP TO HER.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 08:19     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
I think you’ve presented three reasonable alternatives. Let dh handle it.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 23:23     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
can he leave practice 15 min early?
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 22:14     Subject: Re:Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Have your DH take Grandma to the restaurant for 6 and indulge Grandma in a pre-dinner cocktail and appetizer. Go to the team practice, but let the coach know your DS will have to leave early at 5:30. Join the party at the restaurant at 6:30. If your DS brings a handmade card for her and you hand her some flowers, she’ll likely forget that you arrived a little late.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 22:11     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:Tell her to grow up and start acting her age.


+1. Do it n a night everyone can attend easily, or send his regrets.

Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 22:07     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Did Op say how old DS is? Because there is a difference between pre-K rec league vs later ES vs older in terms of expectations on the kid to participate. If we have a 9 or 10 year old who is interested in the sport , etc, that’s one thing. A 4 year olds soccer practice is another.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 21:56     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
OP, you could have just said, "turns out we can't make it by 6, it'll have to be 7" and not told her the reason. In the future don't involve her in the reason. She has shown that she will judge the reason, which is really none of her business. Don't add this extra layer of discussion.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 21:56     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
If she'd lived her whole life celebrating her birthday on the actual day, then that's amazing, but that sh!t ends on this birthday. She needs to grow up, ironically.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 21:51     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
OP, it's fine that you just want to vent. That is an understandable vent.

But don't pretend like you need to crowd source your own damn feelings. You know what your feelings and preferences are. You know you are entitled to them. Why does this need to be a thread pretending like you care what others think of the scenario, besides "+1" what you already think?
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 21:42     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:Our DS has sports practice weekly. He had to miss last week because of some logistical issues which were out of his control. His next practice falls on MIL’s birthday. We’d rather him not miss another practice, because his team and coaches expect his participation. His practice is until 6:00ish. MIL is making a huge deal over this and being a little rigid. She wants to have dinner and wants it at a favorite restaurant near her home AT 6pm, and she wants DS there more than anything. DH presented three options:

Dinner later, so DS can still make practice

Dinner closer to us at 6 (DS and I would be only a little late)

DH attends her dinner without DS and I, and we celebrate at a later date.

She’s currently pouting and giving DH a hard time, telling him everything comes before her birthday. Are we actually the ones being rigid? Do we have DS miss his second practice so he can go? And no, this is not a milestone BD. Just a mid-week actual BD being celebrated on the actual day.



I am going to assume that Grandma must live alone. If she lived with a spouse or someone else, there would be a person "built in" who would be available to look her in the eye and say happy birthday to her. And therefore Grandma wouldn't be whining about how her grandson needs to look her in the eye at precisely 6 p.m. at her favorite restaurant that is a one hour drive from Grandson's home.

My vote is that your DH eats dinner with Grandma at 6 p.m. at this restaurant Grandma has in mind. Grandson and DIL do a facetime thing with her on her birthday, right after soccer practice. Sing happy birthday to her over the phone. Then all of you get together on the weekend. Yay! Now she gets two birthday celebrations!
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 21:32     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I see why it’s annoying.

But if this is a garden-variety practice, eh, he can miss. If he’s Michael Phelps on the rise, fine. If not, it’s one practice for a family event.

Does she play second fiddle to sports schedules a lot?


This. Put it into perspective. She is his grandma, this team will be over in a few months. At the very least, inform the coach that your son has an important family event so he will be leaving 30 minutes early.


But can’t Grandma put it perspective and have dinner the night before or on the weekend?


NP here who has been a direct witness to the decline of several elderly relatives, and who has studied and written about matters related to gerentology.

To answer your question: Maybe she can, but maybe she can't.

Perhaps OP can share more about her age and overall state, but honestly, elderly people face isolation and feelings of being unimportant and invisible--even when they are otherwise healthy. And health issues like dementia might well also be in play.

The point is, when dealing with the elderly, you can't just assume that they are an adult the way we think of a healthy 45-year-old with a full life. There can be a lot of factors here. If something seems "off" about Grandma's response, don't jump to the conclusion that she's choosing to be selfish or dramatic. Really think about what could be going on.

As for sports, yes, it's important to honor that commitment to your team. But isn't your family, first and foremost, your team? If 30 Tuesday evenings out of the school year are dedicated to soccer, can't one of those Tuesday evenings be wholly or partially dedicated to family?
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 21:22     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I see why it’s annoying.

But if this is a garden-variety practice, eh, he can miss. If he’s Michael Phelps on the rise, fine. If not, it’s one practice for a family event.

Does she play second fiddle to sports schedules a lot?


This. Put it into perspective. She is his grandma, this team will be over in a few months. At the very least, inform the coach that your son has an important family event so he will be leaving 30 minutes early.


But can’t Grandma put it perspective and have dinner the night before or on the weekend?


When it is your birthday, we'll do it your way. This day is Grandma's so part of our gift will be to do it her way.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2019 21:21     Subject: Re:Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How old is your DS?

In general, in this area I think we cater too much to our kids’ activity schedule and 5 years from now it’s not going to make a difference if he made this practice or not, and grandma could have passed on or have dementia. I’m also guilty of putting our kids’ schedule before everything else and I try to check myself because it’s ridiculous.


In general I agree with you, but we’re talking about having dinner at 6:30 instead of 6:00 - Come on!


I’m the pp. DS also could leave practice 30 minutes early.

I agree with you, neither option is a big deal but I would personally err on the side of making an old lady happy. Life’s short.

I would change my option if OP is Katie Ledeky’s mom or someone else who has her level of skill in their respective sports. My kids are definitely not at that level ?


This. If OP's child is a superstar then honestly the coach would be even more inclined to be accommodating. It is the fringe kids where the anxious coaches get sticky. Either way, if it is important to Grandma then it should be important to the kid. Leave practice a bit early. Try to find a restaurant close by.