Anonymous wrote:How is it that some kids just naturally seem to be “cool” and popular? How much of parenting/social grooming is involved? How much is natural?

Bad news.

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Encourage your child to be comfortable in her own skin without trying to be “popular”. Let her pursue her own hobbies and interests without caring about what other kids are doing. The truly cool kids don’t give a flip about popularity. It just happens. Everyone avoids the kids who try too hard to be popular and who care too much about social status.

I actually don't think this is true in a middle school or high school setting. Maybe it is in urban high schools where conventional ideas of popularity really don't apply. But in a standard middle school/high school setting, popularity is very much achieved by people who care about social status. (I agree that it's gross, but that's the way it seems to be)

Hmmmmm....define what you mean by "standard middle/high school"? What do you mean by "urban"?

i guess I mean suburban middle/high schools. And urban, I mean schools in cities!!!

Yep. My DD is in an urban area (not DC) at a public high school, and she listens to mostly 60's and 70's rock and has shirts from bands of that time. She got annoyed at a girl on the periphery of her group who got an AC/DC shirt from Urban Outfitters, but couldn't name any of their songs. She and her group dislike posers. They value originality and creativity (to a certain degree - to me, they all dress the same).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Encourage your child to be comfortable in her own skin without trying to be “popular”. Let her pursue her own hobbies and interests without caring about what other kids are doing. The truly cool kids don’t give a flip about popularity. It just happens. Everyone avoids the kids who try too hard to be popular and who care too much about social status.

I actually don't think this is true in a middle school or high school setting. Maybe it is in urban high schools where conventional ideas of popularity really don't apply. But in a standard middle school/high school setting, popularity is very much achieved by people who care about social status. (I agree that it's gross, but that's the way it seems to be)

Hmmmmm....define what you mean by "standard middle/high school"? What do you mean by "urban"?

i guess I mean suburban middle/high schools. And urban, I mean schools in cities!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Encourage your child to be comfortable in her own skin without trying to be “popular”. Let her pursue her own hobbies and interests without caring about what other kids are doing. The truly cool kids don’t give a flip about popularity. It just happens. Everyone avoids the kids who try too hard to be popular and who care too much about social status.

I actually don't think this is true in a middle school or high school setting. Maybe it is in urban high schools where conventional ideas of popularity really don't apply. But in a standard middle school/high school setting, popularity is very much achieved by people who care about social status. (I agree that it's gross, but that's the way it seems to be)

Hmmmmm....define what you mean by "standard middle/high school"? What do you mean by "urban"?

Avocado and orange smoothies, followed by lavender and petunia essential oils. But if you really want to seal the deal??? Only vaccinate every third year but only if you burn sage as the shot is given

Anonymous wrote:Are there ever weird looking popular kids?

No. Weirdly styled, yes. Fat, yes. But not weird-looking.

Anonymous wrote:So apparently no parent wants to admit that their popular kid is somewhat exclusive and socially manipulative - their child is popular because they are so nice.

My child is popular in preschool. She is a natural extrovert, and she is socially manipulative - like saying "you can't be my best friend if you don't...[something she wants]." Her teachers tell me she is not displaying more of this behavior than the other kids.

Who knows if my child will continue to be popular or not, and we are working on stopping the manipulative behavior, but the parents who aren't willing to admit their popular child may be manipulative are really the problem.

In kinder, I caught DD saying "No boys allowed!" and pushing a boy who was her friend away from her and a group of girls. They all chanted it. I came down hard on her and she learned about discrimination that day.

In upper elementary school, on a field trip, she and her friend were on a public bus and they said, "Nice shoes" to some adult wearing weird shoes and then laughed about it. She told me about this almost bragging. I came down hard on her for that too, and refused to accept when she claimed they were complimenting him on his shoes.

I really did not want her to be a mean girl. And I'm really proud that she's not. She's very good at diffusing a situation, or turning the conversation when her friends are bullying someone so it stops.

Are there ever weird looking popular kids?

So apparently no parent wants to admit that their popular kid is somewhat exclusive and socially manipulative - their child is popular because they are so nice.

My child is popular in preschool. She is a natural extrovert, and she is socially manipulative - like saying "you can't be my best friend if you don't...[something she wants]." Her teachers tell me she is not displaying more of this behavior than the other kids.

Who knows if my child will continue to be popular or not, and we are working on stopping the manipulative behavior, but the parents who aren't willing to admit their popular child may be manipulative are really the problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Encourage your child to be comfortable in her own skin without trying to be “popular”. Let her pursue her own hobbies and interests without caring about what other kids are doing. The truly cool kids don’t give a flip about popularity. It just happens. Everyone avoids the kids who try too hard to be popular and who care too much about social status.

I actually don't think this is true in a middle school or high school setting. Maybe it is in urban high schools where conventional ideas of popularity really don't apply. But in a standard middle school/high school setting, popularity is very much achieved by people who care about social status. (I agree that it's gross, but that's the way it seems to be)

I disagree. Just like men can sense desperation in a woman whose biological clock is ticking, the cool kids can sense desperation from those trying too hard to be popular.

Christ, why would I want to do this? Not interested in being Brett Kavanaugh’s mom.

I think its a combination of personality and other factors. DD has always been extremely popular without being in an exclusive popular group. She is very out going and was always the kid who invited other kids to play. She played with the boys, the girls, older kids, younger kids and anyone really. She was always focused on what she wanted to play. If others did not want to that she wouldn't get upset or try to force them she would just go off on her on and some other kids would join her. We'd go on vacation and she would make friends with kids in the lobby. She would happily include the shy kids who no one played with and they loved her. I had parents thank me. When kids started to form cliques in upper elementary school she had very good friends in several groups. One thing that I noticed is that she never got upset if another kid tried to so something snarky to her. She would just say "well you're having a bad day, see you later. She really didn't care and had plenty of friends so just walked away and let them deal with their issues. I think she was late in developing the girl drama and it went over her head. This seemed to make her cooler in the eyes of the snarky one or they didn't get the reaction they wanted so they stopped.

In MS, most of the kids stayed with their ES friends but she made more friends from other schools Her circle is really big and the only group that she avoids is a small group of girls that have designated themselves as the popular kids. She is aloof to them because she doesn't like it when people are mean to others. They try to get her to join but she declines.

For DD its a combination of extroversion, wanting to do your own thing more than caring what others think and genuinely liking lots of different types of people.

In my home country, the "top dog" is the one with the best grades, if you can't perform academically people don't want to do much with you, regardless of looks, sports, money etc. I am still learning to navigate the waters here in the U.S, both my kids (elementary) are good students, keen to learn, have a solid group of friends. I have no idea if they are popular or not (both are much loved by their teachers), I don't care if they are popular. I guess the goal is to raise healthy, well adjusted kids not entitled douche bags. YMMV.

Anonymous wrote:Encourage your child to be comfortable in her own skin without trying to be “popular”. Let her pursue her own hobbies and interests without caring about what other kids are doing. The truly cool kids don’t give a flip about popularity. It just happens. Everyone avoids the kids who try too hard to be popular and who care too much about social status.

I actually don't think this is true in a middle school or high school setting. Maybe it is in urban high schools where conventional ideas of popularity really don't apply. But in a standard middle school/high school setting, popularity is very much achieved by people who care about social status. (I agree that it's gross, but that's the way it seems to be)

If by popular you mean well-liked by everyone, then teach your children to be compassionate, kind, and tolerant. The kind of person who looks out for others and invites the whole class to their birthday party (nothing wrong with a small party of close friends, I'm only referring to the people who leave one or two kids out of the big group). If by popular you mean Regina George, then watch Mean Girls.