Anonymous wrote:Not sure I have anything helpful: but this was my parents. My mom's parents were very bigoted; my dad's open and accepting. Although at first my parents lived close to both, later they moved very far away, and when I was a kid, we visited dad's parents much more. In fact I stayed a month with my dad's parents when I was three, and no mention of why not with my Mom's. My mom visited her parents solo. Mom's parents were clearly racist and it was shocking. I don't know if there was any talk before the wedding (doubtful) but I do know that my dad always limited his and my contact with my mom's parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, the one thing that I noticed about the way that you talk is that you tend to stereotype people. "Right wing" people in your mind are gun toting racists. "Law enforcement types" hate minorities and go out of their way to target them unfairly.

In stereotyping people like that, you have raised your daughter to believe that it's o.k. to be intolerant of specific groups of people. She has just substituted your disdain towards conservatives for a disdain towards minorities. In her mind it's o.k. to use a broad brush against groups, just like her future FIL does, just like you do. Instead of holding individuals accountable, this view taints an entire group.

I think you need to understand where this ugly intelorance may be coming from in your daughter.

Um, yea, no. OP is reporting what has come out of the mouths of the bigoted future in laws and it is a demonstrable fact that such views are consistent with those of people who style themselves “conservative” and pro-law enforcement. If you don’t like being known for the views your political bedfellows espouse, then deal with the bigots on your end of things.

Bull. You just labeled a group that you don't like "bigoted". Your the one with the label maker.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, the one thing that I noticed about the way that you talk is that you tend to stereotype people. "Right wing" people in your mind are gun toting racists. "Law enforcement types" hate minorities and go out of their way to target them unfairly.

In stereotyping people like that, you have raised your daughter to believe that it's o.k. to be intolerant of specific groups of people. She has just substituted your disdain towards conservatives for a disdain towards minorities. In her mind it's o.k. to use a broad brush against groups, just like her future FIL does, just like you do. Instead of holding individuals accountable, this view taints an entire group.

I think you need to understand where this ugly intelorance may be coming from in your daughter.

Um, yea, no. OP is reporting what has come out of the mouths of the bigoted future in laws and it is a demonstrable fact that such views are consistent with those of people who style themselves “conservative” and pro-law enforcement. If you don’t like being known for the views your political bedfellows espouse, then deal with the bigots on your end of things.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, this will be a life long issue, and my experience tells me, after seeing this with my own daughter's inlaws, that their son really isn't probably too far off from his parents. It will surface eventually.

Anonymous wrote:OP. How do you know DD loves them? Are you sure this isn’t your interpretation of DD keeping the peace with her in laws? I married into a close knit family of idiotic bigots and I despise most of them. I am tolerant in a distant, polite way and we see a lot of them at DH’s insistence. My parents have convinced themselves that I prefer DH’s family. Apparently, I’m supposed to refuse to see DH’s family or see them only very occasionally, or else I prefer them to my parents. Instead of making the same efforts to see us that DH’s family did (his parents used to drive three hours each weekend), my parents withdrew more and more while insisting they were being displaced. I found the dynamic they were creating very exhausting and controlling, and let them distance themselves. The result is that I still do not like DH’s family, but I am a lot less close to mine.

Anonymous wrote:OP here—thanks for weighing in, PP. Did you always feel that way about your DH’s family? Because my DD adores her fiance’s family—which, in a vacuum, would be a positive thing. In this case, it raises more fears/doubts for me.

Anonymous wrote:Op, the one thing that I noticed about the way that you talk is that you tend to stereotype people. "Right wing" people in your mind are gun toting racists. "Law enforcement types" hate minorities and go out of their way to target them unfairly.

In stereotyping people like that, you have raised your daughter to believe that it's o.k. to be intolerant of specific groups of people. She has just substituted your disdain towards conservatives for a disdain towards minorities. In her mind it's o.k. to use a broad brush against groups, just like her future FIL does, just like you do. Instead of holding individuals accountable, this view taints an entire group.

I think you need to understand where this ugly intelorance may be coming from in your daughter.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good points. Yes, of course I wonder what might have happened to cause her to want to be with someone with parents like this. We are maybe overly liberal, I don’t know. Most of our family members are gay, and DD has at times seemed uncomfortable with that and also with our lack of religion. She’s an only child with lots of cousins.

I think I do need to talk to her, but it’s going to be tough to have this conversation and not risk our relationship. She is deeply sensitive and reactive. If I tell her the stories her future FIL tells us, she’ll tell her fiancé, and he’ll return that information to his parents...and that will impact everything going forward. That might be cowardice, wanting to avoid that reaction, and I accept it.

My DH is horrified when future FIL espouses cynical and abusive law enforcement views, and he and I have both countered the talk with a negative reaction, but it all becomes a bit of “that’s what it’s like out in the field ha ha ha” sort of exchange.

DD spends at least one night a week with her fiance’s parents, though thankfully she lives a bit closer to us. Because she is in a field that interacts with the criminal element, I believe she is constantly surrounded by law enforcement personnel who hammer a narrative that is less than sensitive to minorities.

I’m scared I’ll lose her, and I’m scared I’ll upset her fiancé, who is genuinely sweet. He’s never given me any reason to doubt his character. I think his mom has the potential to be kind, except she lives in the shadow of her overbearing DH and tends to kowtow to his views.

This is not DD’s first serious boyfriend. She’s had 2 past long-term relationships, both of which were with liberal-minded guys with similar families.

I’m all about openness to those with different views, but I’m appalled and tearful about bigotry. I’ve always spoken out against injustice, up to and including taking her to human rights marches and gun control rallies. Perhaps she’s having a kneejerk reaction to my liberalism. Hell, I don’t know. I’d say this seems out of character for her, but maybe it’s who she is now.